Opinions?

nookmyles

Hello! I'm new to the platform and I just wanted some insight to some things that have been on my mind a lot.
I'm in a relationship and I love my partner very much, but they are asexual and touch averse, meaning they don't really touch me at all, in almost any capacity. I don't blame them, I'm not mad at them, it isn't their fault, but it leaves me touch starved. In our specific relationship, platonic cuddling does not count as cheating, so I'm not worried about that (and tbh I'm not sure I'm even brave enough to follow through meeting someone to cuddle), but I feel guilty about being so needy in the first place. Am I too selfish? Can anyone else relate?

stormydaycuddle

You're not selfish. Have a talk with your partner and discuss it.

xandriarain

@nookmyles it’s perfectly normal to need touch. As a species, we need touch for our well-being. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about needing touch anymore than you would feel guilty for needing food or a shelter. What really concerns me is people who are touch adverse because I do seriously think there is something wrong with them. If you think about it when we lived in caves, people would sleep together in pile. Having personal space and keeping your distance is a pretty new idea as far as human history goes.

nookmyles

@xandriarain we have pets and they prefer cuddling them over cuddling with people because of sensory issues so it isn't like they avoid it altogether, it's just a bit unconventional for them. Thank you though, and thank you @stormydaycuddle for validating that I'm not crazy here lmao

Shake

The fact you're feeling this guilty & modest about your own needs speak volumes how much you care about your partner. Like stormy said, talk to them. Give them a chance to be as supportive of you as you are of them. 🙂

w8ed_blanket

Hey @nookmyles. Touch is a basic human need for most people.

It's not selfish knowing what you need and trying to fulfill it. It's not being "needy." It takes self-awareness and courage to speak your truth.

On physical touch, you and your partner are fundamentally incompatible. It makes me happy to see your dynamic is secure enough where your partner is fine with you cuddling others to fulfill this need they can't do.

I would disagree with @xandriarain regarding people who are touch averse are wrong. Humanity exists on a spectrum. Most people on CC are touch gluttons though. So of course the bias is heavily on this side haha.

stormydaycuddle

@xandriarain In ways I'm touch adverse. I had trauma in my past and hated even hugging people. There are people who have plenty of reasons good and bad. People who simply don't like it. We've evolved as a people and we no longer need to sleep in piles for survival. Our ability to care for our needs has evolved. For some people their need is not to be touched. Touch adverse does not mean there is something wrong with you.

If you think about it that was an incredibly narrow minded mean statement. I don't believe that's you as a person but I did kinda expected better from someone I hold in such high regard.

Further considerations: We evolve for a reason. This is where evolution has led us. The modern world allows for more comforts for many. One of them is personal space. Relatively new concept or not... which it isn't...my threshold for new is after 1000+ years and its an established concept.

Invading someone's personal space is wrong. So what's the difference between someone who doesn't want one person in their personal space and someone who wants everyone to give them breathing room?

I'm sure you know how it feels to have someone you don't like in your space. Most people do. Now multiply that. Include everyone. And there's nothing wrong with it just like there's nothing wrong with you weeding out the people you don't want in your space. And a person can not want people they love in their space too.

I think you're a good person and am hoping you can consider another perspective. People are people. Unless you're a sociopath or harmful to someone else there is nothing wrong with anyone. There is nothing wrong with having boundaries even if other people may not be able to relate or understand them.

HUGGGGGG

Opinion: Leave them and find a relationship that satisfies your needs. Have a relationship with them for what it is, and love them unconditionally in that realm without negating yourself … your love is not finite, find a relationship that gives you peace while loving them too

Unscented_Lemon

Leaving them is absolutely not required. Talk to them, they'll most likely understand. But you do need agreement and to not hide anything. If you feel guilty about anything, it will make its way into your relationship, so best to keep everything out in the open.

This site exists because people need physical affection.

cuddlefaery

@HUGGGGGG Not every relationship has to fill every need. We don't require all our friends to like all our hobbies, usually have separate friend circles for different areas of our lives (work friends, gym buddies, gaming friends, night out friends, etc.).

So why on earth have we as a society built up so much pressure on our significant others/spouses to be our best friends + romantic partners + sexual partners + therapists + hobby partners + and often parents, all into one?!? It's no wonder so many marriages end in divorce despite both parties fully meaning "til death do us part" - that level of codependency and enmeshment is not healthy nor sustainable.

If OP is otherwise happy with their relationship and is able to ethically get their needs met outside of the relationship, why on earth should they have to end it?

---

@nookmyles as long as you actually discuss the boundaries of the agreement beforehand to make sure everything is above board, there is absolutely no reason to feel to feel guilty. Almost every human trait exists on a spectrum - you are not being "needy", you are just you. It is far better for your relationship to take care of yourself and your needs ethically so that you can give to your partner from a full cup than it is for you to suffer in silence and let things eventually devolve into resentment or worsening guilt.

cuddlefaery

@xandriarain I have to agree what others have said about your comment regarding being touch adverse - as I said in my last comment, pretty much every human trait exists on a spectrum, and there are so many reasons someone might be uninterested or repulsed by typical tactile affection with other humans. Saying they have something "wrong" with them is incredibly judgemental, especially for someone working in this field where a lot of people with touch trauma and the shame surrounding it come looking for help.

Not only do touch needs exist on a spectrum, but becoming touch adverse as a result of trauma is also a normal reaction and coping mechanism - it is not "wrong". Are neurodivergent people also wrong, then, for getting overstimulated easily? Are people with low touch needs who express their affection other ways wrong? Just because people don't fall in the center of the bell curve doesn't mean they are somehow abnormal or malfunctioning.

xandriarain

For everyone complaining about my statement “there is something wrong with people who are touch adverse”, trauma is something wrong, trauma is not a good thing. I do not judge others who are touch adverse, I just think that there is probably some issue that they have that causes this aversion. I have plenty of things wrong with me, none of us are perfect. This was meant as an observation rather than a judgement.

Bear

@nookmyles
I agree with what @cuddlefaery said, at the end of her first reply. Talk it through with your partner.

PeopleLikeUs

Touch Starved: Seeking Affection

User
I'm in a relationship and I love my partner very much, but they are asexual and touch averse, meaning they don't really touch me at all, in almost any capacity. I don't blame them, I'm not mad at them, it isn't their fault, but it leaves me touch starved. In our specific relationship, platonic cuddling does not count as cheating, so I'm not worried about that (and tbh I'm not sure I'm even brave enough to follow through meeting someone to cuddle), but I feel guilty about being so needy in the first place. Am I too selfish?

ChatGPT
It's understandable that you may be feeling touch starved and seeking physical affection in your relationship. It's important to recognize that your needs and desires are valid and normal. Feeling the need for physical touch doesn't make you selfish.

Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial in situations like this. Let them know how you're feeling and the importance of physical touch for you. It's possible that together you can find a compromise or alternative ways to meet your need for physical affection while respecting your partner's boundaries.

In addition, it might be helpful to explore other avenues of fulfilling your need for touch, such as platonic cuddling with friends or seeking support from a therapist who can provide guidance and help you navigate these feelings in a healthy way.

Remember that relationships require effort and compromise from both partners. It's essential to find a balance that respects both your needs and your partner's boundaries.

stormydaycuddle

@xandriarain I mentioned there are other things than trauma. I cannot believe you doubled down on that on that. Mind absolutely blown. Just wow! We aren’t talking about a flawed personality trait. This is a boundary. A valid boundary. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with someone.

The “observation” was hurtful and narrow minded, Once again I’m going to politely ask you to consider that your ‘observation’ is limited by your own preferences and beliefs about personal space. Your ‘observation’ was also judgement. You can say otherwise but you categorized a large group of people there.

The ‘people complaining’ don’t want themselves or loved ones labeled in such a way.

My platonic partner is touch adverse. He has no trauma to make him that way.

MrPaul

You are entitled to seek out ways to have your needs met in this lifetime. Don’t feel guilty for that. Since you accept your partner’s touch limitations, they should accept that you need touch for fulfillment. You have come to the right place for this. I recommend discussing the topic with your partner, then see what works for you both.

TxTom

All generalizations have exceptions. It is useful to examine the causation of these exceptions.

Describing the causation as "wrong" is common parlance, it is not passing judgement on the exception itself, and should not be interpreted as a personal insult.

stormydaycuddle

It wasn’t presented as an exception. And it is insulting if @txtom that’s what you’re getting at. I apologize if I’m misunderstanding you here. But being described as ‘wrong’ is insulting and not only to me. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me. No, I’m not perfect. I struggle with things but there is nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with the touch adverse.

I’m a little sad I shared the source of my adversity being trauma.. since it was weaponized. There are so many human beings who simply are touch adverse.

This wasn’t what this thread was about. It didn’t start with bigotry. Let’s get it back on track.

ScroogeMcducky

Are you a quaker Bot?

“Different people are different people.”

• Willis Beard

Not sure there is “an answer”, but in my experience the best we can do is be honest, and be kind.

HUGGGGGG

@cuddlefaery we can talk about the things you are saying verbally (and I mostly agree with in any case - verbally it will be quicker and easier to respond) …. Nevertheless, the OP wanted an opinion, publicly, so of course it will not cater to everyone, and my opinion is that if there is a touch starved relationship it should be done away with - that is it, no guilt should be involved there, touch is a right (if the act of leaving can happen or not practically will vary person to person). The OP did not say that they are happy, they said that they love their partner. So the OP can still love their partner and find a relationship where they do not feel touch starved. Think of the act of ‘leaving’ positively, it will help their current partner, it will help them and also their future partner … without going into much detail it will help the OPs current partner in the sense that they may not want to be pressured by OP to touch them when they don’t want it - but they still love each other so they can come up with better possibilities for the future such as an open relationship. … and their is a list of counter arguments but all this is for OP to weigh in …. Lastly for whatever it is worth I have been into philosophy and interestingly this is nothing new there is one way of thought or religion (I don’t want to name it because of the rules) that allows a partner to file for a divorce if the other does not fulfill their sexual requirements (all this varies person to person) … I believe the OP has no reason to feel guilty even if they take the extreme step to leave their partner only on this basis.

Unscented_Lemon

@HUGGGGGG Ditching a relationship because of differing touch needs is throwing out the baby with the bathwater. I realize that it's probably the only option in a traditional relationship where the two people own each other, but there's a lot of good non-traditional relationships out there. Being what you can and letting someone else be what you can't is perfectly valid. If there is genuine feeling between them, it's worth trying to keep in whatever form suits them.

If they talk things through and decide they're better off without a formal relationship between them, that's valid too. But assuming without talking is where things go bad.

HUGGGGGG

@Unscented_Lemon clear and respectful communication is key, sorry if that was not clear already … I alluded to ‘non-traditional’ options …further, poly and open relationships amongst others are traditionally practiced in few societies with small communities on other continents, so it is nothing new and they offer a lot to learn from

Unscented_Lemon

@HUGGGGGG Yup, I know a fairly large number of people in good poly relationships, so there's obviously something to that. The science fiction community seems to tend towards poly, so my sample may be a bit skewed. I think if my last relationship had worked out, we would eventually have been poly.

AllAboutSoul

@HUGGGGGG "touch is a right". Can you please explain what you meant by that? It's a huge generalization and dismissing consent by ALL parties involved, which could be abusive.

CozyWolfy

Maybe look into polyamory. My partners ace also and polyamory really works for us. It's good to work on accepting your partner and yourself as perfect the way you are.
Couples therapy is also great. I like polyamory because it gets me out of that co dependent mindset that all your needs need to be fulfilled by one person.
Even without polyamory having a big network of friends and cuddlers feels pretty Awesome and healthy

CozyWolfy

Owe.. well looks like I was late to the party. The OP deleted his account and ya.. smh

cuddlefaery

@HUGGGGGG just putting it out there since I don't believe we've interacted before - I am openly polyamorous and practice ENM and have mentioned as such multiple times in the forums, so you can search my posts to back this up. I will be the first to agree that when traditional monogamous relationships aren't working for someone they may want to consider alternatives or finding more compatible partners....but considering OP only mentioned one aspect of their relationship was at issue here, as @Unscented_Lemon mentioned to leap immediately to leaving is proverbial throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It smacks of the toxic relationship advice chats where everyone immediately screams "LEAVE HIM/HER" the moment someone mentions the slightest issue in their relationship.

I have no idea why you feel the need to explain to me over phone what you're getting at - you've conveyed it quite well here.

cuddlefaery

@CozyWolfy it was most likely a throw away account trying to test the waters so to speak while deciding what to do. We'd see it often in the polyam reddit subs when people knew they needed to talk to their partners about wanting to be open, but just needed an outside nudge. In this case, I hope OP will talk with their partner and they come to an agreement so cuddles can be had!

cuddlefaery

@stormydaycuddle I agree... Just because you and I mentioned our personal touch trauma it's like the entirety of everything else we and everyone else mentioned about touch needs being a spectrum was ignored by @xandriarain - especially in doubling down.

What really concerns me is people who are touch adverse because I do seriously think there is something wrong with them.

Xandriarain, respectively I have to disagree that this was "just an observation". You said it concerns you - that is a value judgement. Further more, with your background in psychology you should very well know the social stigma attached to terms like "crazy", "abnormal", and "wrong" when talking about human traits.

Perhaps you meant no ill by it, but at the least it was poor word choice that feeds into the stigma that asexual people (and others) face already, and like it or not because you are so present in the forums, have the karma you do, and proudly state your credentials (as you should) that kind of statement carries more weight than if some faceless random were to say it. Impact is more important than intent in circumstances like this, and you have multiple people telling you, "hey, that's judgemental AND not correct"...and instead of doing a mea culpa you chose to double down. We all eff up sometimes, but accountability is important, especially where minority communities are negatively impacted. So it might be a good idea to sit with this for awhile, and perhaps go read some accounts from touch-adverse asexuals given it's Pride Month.