When your cuddle partner becomes attracted to you

[Deleted User]Lareese53 (deleted user)
edited October 2017 in General

My cuddle partner admitted they find it challenging to cuddle me without becoming aroused. Which seems to have scared them off from wanting to cuddle with me again. Is it possible to be aroused without a sexual attraction? Is it appropriate to cuddle again if the possibility of sexual attraction presents itself? Thanks for your feedback.



  • My only recommendation would be to take the time to get to know your cuddle partners. I am sure you are getting plenty of messages from potential cuddle partners so you should keep a conversation going for a while via private message and see what they reveal about their personalities over time. After that and once you've picked somebody you think would be compatible to cuddle with you chat with them over the phone for some time as well and then you can do a public cuddle.
    The reason I suggest this process is because people that want to jump into a cuddle right away might not be people that are suited for a platonic cuddle.
    Take the time and I am sure you should be able to find somebody that wants to cuddle with you and respect your boundaries.
    Good luck

  • Its all mindset, if your finding yourself in that position your possibly looking for something other than platomic cuddling, maybe check out dating sites and find a fwb or a boyfriend who can give you cuddles and moreeeee lol.
    But I wouldnt offer that here since its supposed to be all about emotional love and physical platonic touch like head scratches and arm tickles and nice conversations

  • [Deleted User]Lareese53 (deleted user)

    Thank you, Mellow. Great advice! I'll try that.

  • [Deleted User]Lareese53 (deleted user)

    Brandi, not me. I'm not the one becoming aroused. The guys I'm cuddling with are. I only want a friend, a companion to cuddle with. I'm not looking for anything more than cuddles.

  • This sounds like a real life honest question, I personally feel like it's more about how you respond to the arousal. There are normal situations in life where you can experience arousal but you definantly Aren't in a place or circumstance that is appropriate to act on it. So with platonic cuddling, touch can be very relaxing with no arousal felt at all but then a trigger is activated by a certain feeling or even unrelated conversation and you feel aroused. It doesn't automatically mean either party was intending for it to happen. If we can accept the fact that arousal is part of normal humanness we can discuss the fact and come to a mutual understanding of what we are here for, platonic cuddling in this case, and agree to not pursue the arousal personally or make things difficult for the other. Touching is a healthy sensual and sensational experience and there is no need to run from our senses but we can choose to embrace every experience in an appropriate way as an act of being fully alive.

    From my personal experiences there have been numerous times where one of us experienced arousal. For me I cleared the air some thing like this, right now I'm aroused and you may be aware of it, I am not wanting sex with you and will try to keep it from being a problem. And received a ,not to worry or no problem and kept right on cuddling as before. If you however are someone who has found it very difficult to keep it platonic when arousal hits then you need to be honest with your self and the situations you engage in.
    If you can experience a cuddle partner with out acting on the arousal then you may find that there is a whole realm of experiences to take in and benefit from. And can actual help each other accept normal human interaction beyond the limiting beliefs and actions of our cultural sexual immaturity.
    Best wishes expanding the human expereinces!

  • To be honest, I would say there is quite a difference between feeling aroused whilst cuddling up and feeling sexually attracted to the person you're cuddling, becoming aroused whilst cuddling up is actually quite normal, not saying it happens to everyone but by itself it doesn't necessarily imply anything; I myself have felt aroused while cuddling up on multiple occasions, but at those times I didn't feel any sexual desires as such, I just wanted to stay in the position I was in. Don't forget that cuddling is very intimate and as such, especially with some positions some of us decide to get into, it's actually quite natural to feel as such.

    At the end of the day it's not if whoever you're cuddling get aroused you should be worrying about, it's how much self-control the person you're cuddling has you should be thinking about. To put things into context, I'm a straight guy who has so far met with 4 female cuddle buddies from this site and the two of those I've met most recently I think are quite attractive women, and with both of those at some point we've ended up cuddling up while she's sat on my lap (I clear up with each person I meet if they're okay with this in case anyone thinks this isn't exactly keeping things entirely platonic). Trust me, for a lot of guys, myself included, this is very arousing, but I joined this site for cuddle buddies which I stay entirely platonic with and that's exactly what I've got.

    Long story short, don't rule someone out just because cuddling them makes them aroused, if they go on to say they fancy you then yes that's cause for concern, but in any case people getting aroused while cuddling is a very common occurrence and it's best to set up ground rules in advance so that you both stay in your comfort zones regardless of that happening.

  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)
    edited October 2017

    My experience is that the majority of cishet men can't cuddle women without feeling some attraction or arousal. Of course, they may not act on it, but it's almost always there. It's very unusual for a guy to want to cuddle someone he has no sexual attraction to.

    Personally I prefer cuddling with women for this reason. I've also had some positive experiences cuddling non-cis people including a trans woman and an agender person. I feel more comfortable cuddling men in a dating context because then it's not so awkward.

    I'd also suggest cuddling with ethically polyamorous men, because they often get their sexual needs met from other people and are going to have an easier time respecting boundaries in my experience.

  • [Deleted User]Frankincense (deleted user)

    Would it be appropriate and helpful for people who have trouble with arousal while cuddling, to masturbate just prior to meeting someone for a cuddle? Perhaps there would be less sexual tension within the person, and they're more in that after-glow phase where they can relax into the cuddle without arousal.

  • [Deleted User]Lareese53 (deleted user)

    I appreciate the feedback and insight. I'm new to this, but really intrigued. Thank you!

  • edited October 2017

    In the years I was with my girlfriend there were times when I'd become so incredibly aroused by my love and attraction to her that I found it incredibly difficult to control myself even when we weren't cuddling; in some cases it caused so much internal conflict that I'd start shaking and have difficulty speaking. In those times I either had to leave (if I was at her place) or ask her to leave (if she was at my place). I was (and still am) deeply in love with her, though, so that intensified both my desire for her and my will to hold back to avoid pushing her too far. Then again there were also times when I had a simply physical response to her that made no difference to either of us beyond a slight pleasure/discomfort for me.

    I don't know if your cuddler is in the same situation or if he's just embarrassed of his physical response. If he's just embarrassed, you may be able to let him know that it's not something shameful and work out something between you to take breaks during sessions to let him relax, or something along those lines. Otherwise it may be the best thing for him to just stay away if he feels like he can't handle the temptation that comes with being in such close contact with you. It is very honorable of him to know his own limitations and take care of both of you by avoiding situations that he knows he can't handle. I'd recommend a conversation with him to find out what his situation is and go from there.

  • [Deleted User]Lareese53 (deleted user)

    So much great insight!

  • @Frankincense : Masturbating before... but while thinking about someone else than the cuddler we're about to meet, imperatively.
    Otherwise the cuddle relationship still would be not sane / not really platonic (like if we masturbate after the cuddle session while thinking right about the cuddler, as some user said before in another topic).
    @Mailleweaver : I simply share your opinion , especially about how to handle irreversible/definitive arousal.

  • I think @caring touch said it best, I am in total agreement.
    <3 jim

  • Honestly, I find this to be a fairly common occurrence. Both the arousal part and the attraction part. Cuddle is an extremely intimate situation. It's one where you are physically and mentally and emotionally comfortable with your cuddler. My cuddlers will typically talk to me about things they can't talk about with other people and I am patient and I listen. I'm also a great cuddle! With all that being said, I think the attraction isn't so much a sexual attraction as it is an intense bond. I almost find that the relationships that I have established with my regular cuddles are almost of a best friend/sibling nature. We share an intimate bond and they have grown used to having me in their lives. So, there is definitely an attraction but not sexual. As far as the masturbating goes... I have no idea what to say about that. : )

  • [Deleted User]FlowerofLife (deleted user)

    Plenty of my clients get "aroused"! I take this as a great opportunity to share the differences between "sensual" and "sexual." If they have a boner, I ask that they just move it off to the side:-) Keep Calm and Cuddle On!

  • I read some of this thread but I got to a point where I didn't want to read any more. I still would like to post my thoughts though.

    You can be attracted to someone and not have it effect(affect?) your relationship. People are in control of their actions and if you're aware and accept your feelings you can deal with them however you wish.

    For example I was hanging out with someone for a number of months and I came to really like her. Eventually I asked her out and she turned me down but we were both comfortable with that and nothing changed......minus her getting a little more touchy with me I guess. Maybe because she knew it was fine if she had physical contact with me after? Not sure. Anyways point is we were both accepting of the fact that I had feelings for her and that made it a non-issue.

    The question I would ask you is are you able to be comfortable with that situation. If yes then it can work as long as the other person is(which honestly it doesn't sound like they are) as well. If not then I guess it's time to move on.

  • @JasonCuddles Well said! Feelings don't have to be translated into actions.
    <3 jim

  • This topic is the exact reason I am hesitant to participate in the community. I am very concerned that I will have an embarrassing physical reaction with my cuddle partner. I'm so concerned about becoming physically aroused that I may never actually experience a cuddle session. Just to be clear, my concern is in no way sexually related, I just know my body and how I react. The last thing I would want to do would be to make the session uncomfortable for my partner and embarrassing for me.

    Thanks for posting the question.

  • edited January 2018

    @Triggs It might be easiest for you to see a professional cuddler, at least at first. Professionals often have to deal with men who push the boundaries; you are doing the opposite by not wanting them to feel uncomfortable. That's an attitude they would greatly appreciate. They don't want you to feel uncomfortable either!

    It's not getting aroused that's the issue, it's the guy's attitude and how they act on it. And your attitude is obviously fine.

    I wouldn't want you to miss out on something awesome (and innocent) because of fear of embarrassment.

  • @respectful.... I completely agree

  • @Respectful, Thanks for your reply and advice.

  • [Deleted User]Alternis (deleted user)

    I've gotten boners with pros before but just don't let it become the center of attention. Theres a difference between getting an erection and ignoring it or changing positions and getting and erection and humping the person you're spooning or singing the Taylor Swift song and going oooh look what you made me do.

  • [Deleted User]Lar7 (deleted user)

    I am just beginning to get into the art of platonic cuddling and I really appreciate this post! I am nervous about the possibility of arousal and I just needed to know how to handle it if it happens, thanks everyone!

  • Yippee, and like Jesus rising from the tomb, we have the resurrection of yet another thread on erections....

  • @pmvines the last comment in this thread about erections til your comment was January 4th. I think you were the one who resurrected it lol

  • I'd think it'd be fairly common where a cuddler is attracted to a pro. But that's not why we cuddle.

    Because sessions I've had were mutually arranged, strictly platonic, and expectations were 100% clear, attraction was something I could observe and feel but not need to act on. I can LIKE the person, but I am not going to ask them out for coffee. They can LIKE me, but no, we're not getting married. The space we create during the cuddle session is about being present, about nurturing, and sharing. If I wasn't present, I'd be planning ahead, weighing date activities and options, and being self-critical and wondering if I was good enough for them.

    Am I perfect? Hell no. During last night's session, I had the very vivid thought of "what have I done to deserve this incredible moment?" and immediately shushed myself. Then I opened my big fat mouth and told my cuddler about what I had just thought to myself and this incredibly attractive man said to me:

    "I've struggled my whole life with various health issues and have never felt enough. We all struggle, we are all critical, and we don't need to be. I'm me. You're you. Thank you for being here and sharing with me."

    Easier said than done, but while attraction can be appreciated, it's not the focus nor what's important to me at all. To me, what remains and stays after a session is my gratitude and appreciation for a future session.

  • edited March 2018

    I haven't got to read the responses yet. Though I know this community has such thoughtful and supportive people. :)

    Simply put I would say:

    • No + yes = No.
    • ‎No + no = No.
    • Communicate and decide.
    • Learn each other's goals.
    • Revisit goals as they can be subject to change. Communicate the changes.
    • ‎Make decisions from there.
    • ‎Each seeing at least one other person is also something I would recommend.

    When you both know why you are seeking this type of connection in the first place and keep that in mind each time, there will be less room for temporary feelings and thoughts getting in the way.

    Maybe they need time to take a break and deal with how they feel. Maybe their goals were either clouded in the first place. Or they have changed and thus, they need to seek their new goal elsewhere, given that your answer is no.

    This I think is important:

    • Take the time to build connections and know that you two can talk openly and comfortably. If it doesn't come naturally, don't force it and meet someone you can work together with. It can be hard to understand ourselves sometimes let alone another so it is really important to communicate and give each other time to figure ourselves.

  • I have a basic rule: "it's ok to have a boner, it's not ok to rub it against me!"

    Firstly: a lot of people simply don't "get" what this cuddling thing is all about, and are secretly hoping for more (especially males). I am quite curt to those I suspect, and if my attempts to educate them aren't working, I won't meet up... simple.

    However, if they do know what it's about and have come into it with good intentions... relax! :-) Reinforce the platonic thing, try to avoid areas of arousal, realise they can't help it and it's just blood flow, and keep them talking if possible as arousal is all in their head and you want to stop the feedback loop before it gets worse (which happens with certain individuals).

    If someone is touch deprived, every aspect of touch is super heightened, arousal is normal. The more touch they get with more people, the less it affects them in that way, and the more they can enjoy the chemical rush of serotonin and endorphins and just relax into it instead of getting aroused by it. :-) Have sympathy, not concern... unless of course they start to "like" you, in which case have plenty of concern and cut it off until they've cuddled with someone else and can give you a selfie or text to prove it - they can't get addicted to you as their only source of important feel good chemicals, thinking they're in love!

  • [Deleted User]navyman35 (deleted user)

    I had a PRO become attracted to me, I didnt realize it until she kept texting me thoughout the day to hangout or just to chat, I eventually blocked her on my phone and told her I wasnt interested like that

    -Dont judge me for my opinion-

  • [Deleted User]snughugs (deleted user)

    I think it depends on what attraction means. Physical arousal happens, it's just a fact of life - as long as it stays platonic it doesn't matter to me! I think realistically most people want to cuddle with someone they find physically attractive even though they don't want anything more and that's fine by me too. I think the real issue would probably be if somebody started to develop feelings from cuddling alone because as @Colourful said it's likely to just be all of the hormones kicking around and not a genuine romantic connection. Personally, I'm in a relationship (ish) so I'd likely run for the hills if someone expressed feelings of that nature right now.

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