Feeling Conflicted

Hey all, I'm new here, excited to meet all of you and learn more!

In my house growing up, there was a lot of pressure not to be too friendly with people of the opposite gender. But I found that what I really wanted was a platonic friendship with girls that I knew. The other boys were hard to talk to, and often casually cruel or mean. The adult men I knew usually had these stereotypes of what a "real man" ought to be. I just ... never could meet those expectations and didn't want to. I'm typically more sensitive than other guys that I meet, and I find it easier to talk to women in general. I've often felt a deep shame about it all, feeling broken or not enough at times.

Do any of you feel that inner conflict as well? How do you all manage that pressure to conform when your deepest needs for connection with all types of people feels at odds with it? There's this part of me that wonders if I'll ever be free of that nagging sensation. What are your experiences?

TheFunCartel

@diegosensible You are not different for being sensitive, you are just more open and honest about your feelings. All guys are capable of sensitivity, but societal structures over centuries have conditioned men that it is a negative trait, something to sublimate and is a root cause of why men quietly loathe themselves because they are embarrassed by their own feelings.

You should be celebrating yourself that you can speak about who you are so honestly. Sensitivity is love and a skill at the same time. You are a person to be admired. And you are definitely not defective in any way.

Krisha

Surround yourself with like minded people and stay true to yourself.

Maybe therapy can help you cope with your inner conflict too.

Remember that many women wish for a sensitive partner 😉

@TheFunCartel thanks for the affirmation, really appreciate it. It's a strange thing how powerful it is just being accepted by others can be.

@Krisha great advice! I've been going to a local group of people who have similar experiences, and it's helped a lot. Sometimes it seems counterintuitive, but just saying these hard things, even without an immediate fix for it, can be therapeutic.

CuddlesInJax

I feel your pain! I find women more pleasant to talk to than men generally. Once you’re older and everyone’s paired up, you’re basically locked out of a lot of possible friendships because, well, men would be understandably suspicious of their wives’ male friends.
Ultimately, I have two very good male friends with whom I can speak to about everything and I content myself with the knowledge that many people don’t even have that many deep friends they can speak to.
But unfortunately most of my other friends want to talk about football or text one word answers.

CuddleDuncan

Having friends of the opposite sex is normal. I did not even encounter the concept that they couldn't/shouldn't in the modern world until I was about 19.

The 'real men' trope is risible. It is aggressively propagated by the inadequate as a defence mechanism. The prime example of 'real men' are special forces soldiers, and they spend a surprising amount of their time hugging each other and talking about emotions.

The pressure to conform arises both internally and externally. The internal form, often the stronger, you just have to train out of yourself. The feelings may never go away, but your response to them is, in the end, up to you. The external form can be tricky to deal with in the moment. Sometimes it's easiest just to agree politely in that moment, but then simply to ignore it in what you actually do. For several unrelated reasons that external pressure tends to diminish as you get older.

Anecdotally, I happen to have heard that Colorado is a particularly difficult place for men and women to be friends, and I wonder if you might thrive more heartily somewhere where it's a little bit easier to be yourself.

Huggycatbear

@diegosensible I grew up in the same environment. My brother was all about being the macho man. I'm the sensitive type. I'm also am empath so I register other people's emotions and energy without social cues.

I get blamed for being the nice guy still to this day. But I've learned my way out of nice guy syndrome and stick to my values of living up to being a good guy.

I'm a gen Xer and we are called the loser generation because of many factors outside of our control. Our predispositions. We are sandwiched between two other generations that we have to understand and take care of.

But we are resillient. Be proud that you are a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. Those are the ones I feel most comfortable with.

@CuddlesInJax It's a good point, I'm feeling like as I get older I wish I had been able to understand and articulate my thoughts better a long time ago, develop those deep friendships, typical "if I could tell my younger self what I know now" 😄 But your post reminds me that there's no time like the present! I'm happy to have found this community, it gives me hope that I can build those relationships now. Thanks!

sillysassy

Welcome to the community @diegosensible I appreciate your share and also filling out your profile.
This was my favorite part.

Whoever you are, I'd like to meet you and know what makes you unique!

There are so many things that bring people to this cuddle world. I am grateful that you are willing to share them out loud because it seems like a lot of people can relate to these feelings but have a fear of expressing them. Or like @TheFunCartel said its a skill that hasn't been fostered. I agree... saying things out loud helps me process.

Sometimes it seems counterintuitive, but just saying these hard things, even without an immediate fix for it, can be therapeutic.

I have noticed a trend that is beginning to move away from traditional norms and stereotypes of gender roles. There are a lot of different threads and conversations that speak to this.

You asked

How do you all manage that pressure to conform when your deepest needs for connection with all types of people feels at odds with it?

I also grew up in a household that gave a similar message of "not to be too friendly with people of the opposite gender." for different reasons than you possibly. Changing the story that you've been trained to act out is tricky. (Especially after 20 years of marriage.) The beautiful thing about this community for me is finding people who have a desire to push past their narrative. Be open to a new perspective. So for me... the pressure to conform isn't the same as it was in my earlier life. I am unwilling to continue to let someone else write my story. Finding people who respect and align with that way of thinking has changed my life forever.

There are people who hold space for that transformation. Not everyone has capacity for that of course... but there are pockets of beauty.

I realized you are in COLORADO!!! (aka the Cuddle Capital of the World if you ask @OhioMike 😊) We are having a Meet & Greet in February that starts off a weekend event full of fun relationship building things. "Realms of Connection" is the theme and it might be of interest for you.
https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/24030/meet-greet-fri-feb-13-2026-denver-co/p1

Hugs out to you and Congratulations of starting the journey of the new you. I can relate to making big changes. Its not an easy road, but I feel its been a rewarding one.

TheFunCartel

Anecdotally, I happen to have heard that Colorado is a particularly difficult place for men and women to be friends, and I wonder if you might thrive more heartily somewhere where it's a little bit easier to be yourself.

This is so antithetical to reality. This is why passing off anecdotal bits as wisdom is not to be trusted.

@CuddleDuncan I've visited Ethiopia a few times, and men there will hold hands in public, it's just normal! So yes, other places and people's are not as hung up on these things as my prudish American brethren often are.

I like your contrast of the internal vs external - it's freeing to realize what I can control (my thoughts and reactions) and what I can't (how others feel and behave). Live and let live.

Yeah, Colorado is interesting, I feel like it's much more liberal than other places at times (especially in Denver) and yet also very conservative and religious too (more so in the Springs). It's an interesting mix. But I have friends and coworkers in San Jose CA and in NYC, and they tend to be even more open minded and accepting, I'm regularly surprised by how normal it is for them. I just love the mountains so much, it'd be hard to leave it behind!

TheFunCartel

@diegosensible There is a meet and greet in Denver in February. I highly recommend attending it as there will be like-minded people there. And it’s free. I have been a 2-3 times and it was wonderful.

@sillysassy Thanks for the warm welcome! I saw that there was a Denver get together happening and was both excited and apprehensive about stepping out into this new arena. I really want to see if I can make it, hopefully! Your kind words really mean so much, thanks for sharing!

@Huggycatbear thanks for the affirmation and camaraderie! It's hearing from people like you who understand and appreciate these things that really makes a difference in my day.

@TheFunCartel okay! That's two meet-and-greet recommendations now, I'm excited to come and see what happens 😄 Thanks for the plug!

sillysassy

@CuddleDuncan

Anecdotally, I happen to have heard that Colorado is a particularly difficult place for men and women to be friends, and I wonder if you might thrive more heartily somewhere where it's a little bit easier to be yourself.

I'm so curious as to your experience. Living all the way over in England and hearing about my beautiful state. I would love to know more about this.... (It IS called Manver instead of Denver sometimes because after Covid there are a million men who moved to CO so they could work remotely and be close enough to nature to do all of their sporty things... but its a pretty open and inviting state as well.) The "manly" stereotype might make sense because of sports and hunting etc. but the "Colorado is a particularly difficult place for men and women to be friends" makes me intrigued as to your perspective.

Maybe we should put it in spoilers so we don't derail OP's thread. @diegosensible sorry if its a tangent but YOU live here and like you said, you live in a fairly coservative part of the state. It IS hard to think about leaving the mountains behind isn't it?

sillysassy

@diegosensible We have a snow day today. I'm sorry that we're all kind of tripping over peoples comments today. Its not always like this on a Monday Morning in the CC thread. Lots of times its a post and then..... CRICKETS

The people I have surrounded myself with are the ones that say "I want you to do what is in your best interests. I want you to do what aligns for you." So when we create an event like a Meet & Greet.... it is absolutely a no pressure environment and 100% based on consent in all areas. It feels weird in the beginning... people asking you "would you like a hug?" or "you don't have to participate" or "Would you like a name tag?" or "How does that land for you? No pressure." Learning how to A. listen to your body's response. B. SPEAK THAT out loud and C. Be appreciated for bringing clarity, was a new experience for me. Now it feels weird when someone tells me I SHOULD do something. 🤣🤣🤣

So.... no pressure but, Meet & Greets have been a great experience for a lot of different personalities. And some great cuddle peeps like @AlyLauren and others are coming from the Springs!

@sillysassy Ha, no problem 😀 Yeah, no work for me today either, otherwise I'd be slower to respond too!

Yeah, the meet and greet sounds like fun and a safe way to get connected, thanks for sharing your experience! I posted on the other thread to RSVP, looking forward to it (and oh boy do I need things to look forward to these days)!

CuddleDuncan

@sillysassy

Ask me about most US states and I'll not know a thing, but by sheer chance I have had a couple of conversations with people in Colorado about cuddling and platonic touch. And in particular I was for a while quite close internet friends with a woman there who I met on CC. We talked at great length about her difficulties in finding .... well just a properly safe man. She had no trouble at all in finding temporary romantic connections, but in spite of exhaustive searching she couldn't find a man you'd want to be friends with, never mind one that knew how. We've since drifted apart, as you do. Last time we spoke she was very lonely and miserable, and had given up any hope of that kind of connection. She would leave but can't because she has elderly parents to look after. From what I could gather, including secondhand conversations with her parents, the notion of men and women being friends just seemed alien to the local culture.

I love the mountains myself - I'd love to visit Colorado - so I do get the attraction.

OhioMike

@diegosensible welcome to CC!

I don't know why a member would say something to the effect that "Colorado is a particularly difficult place for men and women to be friends ..."

My goodness! if a person spends any time at all perusing through these forum pages, you would immediately read about how our Colorado peeps are the friendliest, caring, folks around. I am pretty sure my involvement on CC and the Cuddle verse would be disappointing if not for all my Colorado friends I have made here. Couldn't see someone bashing our fine folk in Colorado without saying something ! 🤣

@OhioMike Thanks! Everyone's been super welcoming.

I agree that I've found Colorado people pretty friendly in general, but we all have different lived experiences. I hope @CuddleDuncan 's friend gets back on CC and finds a good male friend, I feel like I or many others could be that for her (seriously, would she want to chat and get to know me or others, maybe there's still hope?). It feels like maybe people put a lot of effort in at one time or another, don't see many results for it, then don't feel like they have the energy for another try. Especially while caring for aging parents 😞

TheFunCartel

Couldn't see someone bashing our fine folk in Colorado without saying something ! 🤣

Yes it was a lame assessment from someone who has never been to Colorado and basing it off one discontented person. The fact is, every state, county, city and town has a bitter person that tears down the place where they live even if it is a place where everyone is moving to. One disgruntled soul does not a general assessment make.

consciousseeker

@diegosensible - Welcome to this space.

I come from a rural south part of India. Very conservative, men dominant, women confined to kitchen/household kinda society. Comforting physical touch, hugs especially in a public setting/outdoors was (probably still is) not a thing.
'Real men' syndrome, shaming for being vulnerable has been an integral expression of that culture.

And personally, my first sexual (forced) encounter was with a much older man when I was in teens.
Most part of my life, I looked at men as bad people. So was never close with them and the other societal barrier of forbidding touch from the opposite gender. Therapy was non-existential. This was until I pushed myself to a cuddle meet up in LA and it was a life changing moment.

You are different, I am different and we all respond uniquely to situations. I really hope this platform transforms your conflict into a blessing that you will cherish for a very long time.

Cheers & Good luck!

@consciousseeker thanks for sharing something so personal and vulnerable. I'm amazed at all the people here with unique, but similar, experiences, that have led each of us to seek out and find comfort in basic touch and human connection. I'm excited to see where it takes me!

ShaneSchrute

Hi @diegosensible I also am really sensitive and I’ve always found it difficult to connect with dudes and their causal cruelty. I love art in all its forms and don’t find that I have a lot of things in common with men. My friends are mostly women. I don’t have a problem with myself anymore. I’ve accepted who I am and I feel good about it. Being able to talk about emotions is a key part of understanding yourself and others. My vulnerability builds trust, invites honesty, and creates real connection; helping me love fully and giving others permission to be real around me too. It’s a gift to be sensitive.

OhioMike

@diegosensible welcome to CC and thank you for this post

I grew up in probably a similar situation to many with the stereotypical roles of gender played out.

It’s maybe not talked about a lot here but I think CC is also a great way for men to meet other men in maybe not necessarily in a cuddle way but also in a friendship way . I have been fortunate to meet some really cool Men here over the years
I was channel surfing recently and remember the old movie “Wayne’s World “? There’s a scene in there I totally forgot about that I think resonates here …

And the scene …

@ShaneSchrute @OhioMike Thank you both for sharing and being so welcoming! It's refreshing to meet other people who understand and have been through the same experience.

I agree - it's good for us guys to also find friendship together and break the toxic cycle. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability and being so kind and accepting 🙂