Questions that you dislike.

YourFavoriteSir

I had an interesting interaction recently while setting up a booking, and it got me to thinking a little bit…I typically have some standard questions that I ask cuddlers when arranging our first session, which I think are generally pretty thoughtful and set a good baseline for communication of our preferences, etc..

1) What are you preferred pronouns?
2) Do you have any fabric / texture likes/dislikes?
3) Do you have any sensitivities to scents/smells?

Recently, while setting up a session with a professional cuddler, I stated I had some basic questions I ask everyone, and listed off those three. They immediately responded defensively and asked if I asked the first question because of their choice of hairstyle. I responded that (as mentioned prior to asking) these are standard questions for me so that I can ensure I’m doing my best to bring a positive experience to the table. They explained that the question really rubbed them the wrong way and hurt their feelings and thought it would be best to cancel the booking. I re-iterated that the question was not directed at them specifically for any reason, and apologized that it hurt their feelings or made them feel a way, but that I understood and certainly didn’t want to proceed if they were uncomfortable doing so.

This got me to thinking about whether or not my standard questions are too personal, or somehow out of line, and lead me to wonder…..

What are some questions that you dislike getting when setting up (or in) a session?

IronicMaiden

imo, if someone gets offended by "what are your pronouns" that's a red flag. It indicates (among other things) they don't think about other people. You dodged a bullet.

pmalloy

Yeah, asking for someone's pronouns is a perfectly fine question. They got offended, and they need to figure that out.

Jubal

Honest answer here - when an interaction is in person, I do get offended by someone asking me about pronouns.

With online interactions, theres far less context to evaluate the person you're dealing with, but perhaps "How do you prefer to be addressed?" might work if this is a concern.

DaveLaughs

It's best to be tactful.

The pronouns question certainly still throws me off, in any context (but doesn't offend me).

You can also trust the person to correct you if you accidentally misgender them the first time, that's probably better than asking the question upfront and as the first one (if you don't want to risk offending them) if you must have a standard set of questions to ask.

Either way, people will be offended no matter what you do or say, and that doesn't necessarily reflect on you as a person, provided you continuously do your best to have discernment and good judgment.

Cuddlingforlife

It's odd to me if im being honest. . I personally never cared to ask and it's something I've never been asked about, Like ever. So, I would be put off by it. Since it's verbage I'm never really exposed too. I don't think I'd be offended. But I can see how certain religious ppl might react. Maybe, it's a generational thing, and I'm just old. lol it sounds like, the person is highly sensitive. Good information to know early on.

SunsetSnuggles

"1) What are you preferred pronouns?"

I can see why someone could be offended by this question, because it could indicate that you "can't tell if they're a guy or a girl". While your intent is pure and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the question, it has the prospect of triggering self-esteem issues or touching on old wounds. (Think someone who was teased as a boy for "having long hair like a girl" or a female who has always been ashamed of having "man hands".) If a person with that history gets asked about pronouns, they may mistakenly assume it's because you are misgendering them. However, again, you are asking the question from a good place, and there's nothing you can do if someone is sensitive to this. You did everything right by starting off with the fact that you ask everyone this, and reiterating it.

That said, most profiles I come across choose either the "man" or "woman" option, so for those it seems a bit unnecessary to ask. There are also all these options though, in which case it makes much more sense to seek clarity:

"2) Do you have any fabric / texture likes/dislikes?
3) Do you have any sensitivities to scents/smells?"

For these two, if they had any dislikes, it should already be in their profile.

As for questions I dislike... Nothing springs to mind, other than kink-related stuff. 🙄 Don't ask me to wear boots to the meet-up. 😆

But yeah, I love questions and getting to know people. The only wrong questions are non-platonic questions.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🫂 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Junkie 📷 Shutter Bug

WestsideMarc

I can easily see this one getting thrown into The Lounge! That’s all I’ll say.

TxTom

The first question doesn't offend me, it just indicates that 1) the other person didn't bother to look at my profile, and 2) we're not a good match.

Comet85

Re: asking someone’s pronouns, I’ve benefitted from this becoming more common because my first name is very uncommon and I used to get incorrect assumptions about my gender, especially over email and other non-irl interactions. And I’d rather risk offending someone by confirming than risk offending someone else by assuming. I’ve made both of these errors and it’s clear for me which one is preferable.

Also, I’ve met with one cuddler on here that has their gender on their profile as “woman” but while we were getting to know each other shared that they are actually non-binary and use they/them pronouns, which was a reminder for me that there is a lot of nuance in how people disclose and share their identities with others, when they’re first meeting and as they grow more familiar. So I think it’s definitely worth asking.

Re: questions I don’t like to be asked during set up, I was thrown off the first time I was asked “how do you like to cuddle” 😆 but then I figured out some useful info to reply with (low music, medium depth conversation not too deep, okay with long silences, okay if someone falls asleep lol)

SnuggleFroggie

I'm curious why you ask the first question. Why does it matter so much to you that it's the very first question? I can understand some people becoming offended. I am never offended at questions but please don't ask nonplatonic ones.

LilyAnneNova

Pronouns are absolutely ridiculous. WTF can’t people just use names???? Anyone so concerned with pronouns just wants attention in a bad way imo.

Comet85

@HuggableBug I can’t figure out how that question is non-platonic, can you explain?

Edit: rereading your comment, I think maybe the last sentence is not related to the previous ones, my bad

IronicMaiden

As mentioned above, non-binary is usually not something that can be seen at a glance, which is one reason why asking pronouns is polite. And it could be a trans person who can't present as they wish due to fear of losing home or job or being harassed or assaulted. For them, even just being referred to with the right pronouns makes things better.

I just don't see the big deal about respecting someone's identity. I wish I could say I don't understand why they get so offended by people stating their pronouns, but I know it's because they would have to accept that people not like them exist.

pmvines

For some people , pronouns matter. For others it doesn't . I can see it being a useful and respectful question, especially if the person is more gender fluid or transgender. I have friends and family in the rainbow community and I know for some of them it matters. Even if they might present a certain way, it might not be how they prefer to be addressed. Me being a typical looking male presenting dude with a beard, it's not something I am ever asked and if someone.did I would assume they are just used to asking and wouldn't think anything of it.

IronicMaiden

Pronouns can't be bad. The very first word of the US Constitution is a pronoun.

SunsetSnuggles

Those asking why it matters to you are embarrassingly missing the entire point. You're asking in case it matters to them.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🫂 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Junkie 📷 Shutter Bug

LilyAnneNova

A persons pronouns are not used when talking directly to them. So, pronouns don’t matter. They are only used when talking about that person. In which case, a name can still be used instead. Who here is cuddling and telling lol?

IronicMaiden

@LilyAnneNova Why does LilyAnnNova believe that? Does LilyAnneNova not talk to people?

LilyAnneNova

@IronicMaiden lol you know very well when discussing the topic of pronouns people are talking about personal, gender/sex specific pronouns. Did you want a gold star for knowing “you” and “we” are also pronouns? Good job! 👏 ⭐️

SunsetSnuggles

@LilyAnneNova There are plenty of times that knowing someone's pronouns affects how we talk to them directly. "Hey there, missy!", "Sup, dude!", "Do you wanna come to Ladies Night?", "Speaking man to man", etc. etc.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🫂 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Junkie 📷 Shutter Bug

IronicMaiden

@LilyAnneNova When someone says all pronouns are bad, no, I don't know that. How does LilyAnnNova justify being able to use "I" and "you" but not "he", "she", or "they"? Has LilyAnneNova never been a third person in a conversation? Has LilyAnneNova never referred to someone else in a conversation?

Lev136

A word can be taken the wrong way as in this case the person might think you are looking for something whem they are asked abou preference in position.

LilyAnneNova

@IronicMaiden I said pronouns are ridiculous, like this conversation. Again, meaning the personal pronouns conversation not what you’re trying to twist it into.
You would not use he/she/they or any other made up nonsensical pronoun, when talking directly to the person. You would use you, we, etc.

IronicMaiden

@LilyAnneNova

I said pronouns are ridiculous

Yes, you did, and I'm commenting on how ridiculous that is.

meaning the personal pronouns conversation

What is your objection to using "personal pronouns" to refer to people.

Which, btw, "I", "you", and "we" are personal pronouns. "It" usually isn't a personal pronoun, but I've known people who use that, so it can be.

LilyAnneNova

@SunsetSnuggles I feel like those are some pretty poor examples.

LilyAnneNova

@IronicMaiden I’m sorry you need me to be extremely literal with you. Must be really difficult for you to understand people’s conversations.
“I” “you” and “we” do not refer to gender/sex and are therefore not part of the conversation. And you know it.

IronicMaiden

@LilyAnneNova So what are your objections to using gendered pronouns to refer to people?

SunsetSnuggles

@LilyAnneNova
I often refer to my sisters-in-law as "missy", it's a term of endearment. I have to actively ensure I don't do it with a non-binary friend of mine who is female-presenting but uses they/them pronouns.

Have you never given someone advice or shared something personal, preceded by, "Woman to woman..."?

I'm not sure why you want to publicly die on this hill of disrespecting peoples' identities. It contradicts a lot of claims in your profile, such as you providing a "supportive, non-judgmental space where individuals feel truly heard and valued."

~ Sunset Snuggles

🫂 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Junkie 📷 Shutter Bug

DarlingNikkii

@LilyAnneNova that was my point, when he tried to book with me - you're not going to call me she/her between the two of us. I'm the cuddler being discussed here, which is not fun - since OP and I had a discussion about why I felt this way so I wish more details were left out of this post - cause it's weird to be discussed publicly. I only have people ask pronouns who assume I am NB or trans, because I am bald - as most others have mentioned they typically ask when they assume someone is not cis. I don't enjoy people who see me as a possible fetish.

What do you go by may be a better question. It's tough being a straight bald woman in Seattle.

IronicMaiden

I do have to give them credit. Most anti-pronoun people explode when they learn that "I", "we", and "you" are pronouns.