Me.
Me
Aaand Meee 🙂 I think .. I mean, I am 99% sure .. I can’t remember the last time I was sexually attracted to someone else and felt aroused. Sex is literally the last thing on my mind.
I am asexual : )
Me! And I'm finally comfortable with it.
For sure. I am a proud hetero-romantic asexual for sure because I enjoy the platonic intimacy, companionship of the opposite sex (women) without the need for sex.
I'm not ace myself, but I have a handful of ace friends and I'm always happy to see more visibility for the ace & aro communities
Heteroromantic asexual here. I always felt like a bit of an oddball before discovering (only a couple years ago) there are, in fact, other people who don’t experience sexual attraction. It’s so nice to find you! Now emotional, intellectual, tactile, aesthetic, etc attraction, well...that’s quite another story. Nothing is so intense, sweet, and fulfilling to me as that, a soul connection with a kindred spirit
Just to help me understand, does asexual mean no sexual attraction, or simply it being not so much that it can't be managed ? I quit drinking over 25 years ago, and am not drinkingly-attracted to alcohol ; but a struggling-to-reform alcoholic might have the same duration of abstention, while still being attracted to it.
Heterosexual people aren't sexually attracted to people of the same gender ;are asexual people effectively the same, but with both genders ? If so, are your friendships different with people of different genders ?
I have never smoked, and am not smokingly-attracted to cigarettes ; but if I did smoke one, I might become so. Is it perhaps that having no experience, I don't seek what I might enjoy ?
I can understand there are some benefits to being asexual, but I enjoy ( platonic ) female company in a way that I don't think I would if I were asexual ; and that makes me feel a bit guilty. It is similar to me enjoying movies ; in a way that deaf and blind people cannot.
@geoff1000: My asexuality is a total lack of sexual attraction. Some people on the asexual spectrum can feel sexual attraction for others, but only after they've gotten to know them—they're gray-aces (or "graces")—but yes: asexuality is the orientation of no sexual attraction.
In the same way, heterosexuality is a matter of only being attracted to people of the traditionally opposite sex... but in practice many straight people are a little bit heteroflexible, and experience a small amount of sexual attraction to those of other sexes than the one they're mostly drawn to.
Sexual orientation is probably not a matter of exposure. If you had the experience of gay sex, would you become sexually attracted to men in the future?
Many asexuals have had plenty of sexual experience: one can't accurately say that we don't seek what we might enjoy because we just don't have enough experience.
@DarrenWalker Follow-up question, if I may. "Many asexuals have had plenty of sexual experience" Why, if there is no desire ? Was it forced, or coerced, or emotionally blackmailed ? Does a person become ace ( as with giving up alcohol or smoking ), or is it something you are from the outset ?
@DarrenWalker P.S. I'm confused by your description of your sexual attraction being obvious, in the "I'm Not a Pro. . ." thread.
@geoff1000: There are a number of reasons to have sex with someone you're not sexually attracted to. Maybe you love them and want to make them happy. Maybe you have a high sex drive, and so it doesn't matter that you're not attracted. Maybe you're curious as to what all the fuss is about.
Does a person become heterosexual (thus giving up sex with people who have the same body parts as them), or is it something you are from the outset?
P.S. I don't experience sexual attraction. What I describe in the "I'm not a pro" thread is a different type of attraction.
@DarrenWalker In that thread you say : "my specific flavor of inappropriate attraction gets noticed even though I never act on it" What is your inappropriate but not sexual attraction ? Cannibalism ? 😀
@DarrenWalker I'm asking about the term, because I'm wondering if that's how I should describe myself. My guess is that it is another of those "spectrum" terms, where the distinction is somewhat arbitrary.
@geoff1000 asks, "What is your inappropriate but not sexual attraction ? Cannibalism ?"
As a certain Xellos once said to a guess that wasn't quite accurate: 「惜しい！」 More importantly (and in response to your latest comment), thinking of asexuality as a spectrum term is accurate insofar as every sexual orientation is a spectrum.
If you think of sexuality as a web, there are points along that web labeled strictly: "sexual attraction only to the female-bodied" here, "to only the male-bodied" here, "only to the intersexed" over there, "to no one at all" over there. You pick your label based on what point you think you're closest to on the web.
I'm lucky in labels here—I happen to be sitting right on one of the dots. Most people aren't.
@geoff1000 As @DarrenWalker said, the absence of attraction can’t be attributed to inexperience. (Non-ace) virgins feel sexual attraction. Having sex doesn’t trigger the desire, the desire was already there.
@TheRoseGarden @DarrenWalker I thought that asexual meant not wanting to have sex, as in : asymmetric, atypical.
Now I'm being told : "Maybe you have a high sex drive, and so it doesn't matter that you're not attracted." That sounds more like bisexuality with a low standard.
If I didn't eat meat, I'd be a vegetarian. If I wasn't "attracted to" meat, but was just endlessly hungry for it, and ate it all the time ; I think people would want a different term to "vegetarian".
Most people want to know a person's sexual orientation, to know the possibility ( or risk ) of having sex with them. If the same term is used for someone who doesn't want sex with anyone, as for someone who wants sex with everyone ; that would be very confusing.
@geoff1000: Just as heterosexuality is the sexual orientation of "sexually attracted to the opposite sex" and homosexuality is the sexual orientation of "sexually attracted to the same sex," asexuality is the sexual orientation of "not sexually attracted to anyone." None of this says anything about how high your sex drive is, though.
There's a relationship between sex drive and sexual orientation, but they're two different things.
For instance, if a bunch of straight, cis men with high sex drives are stuck together for years, nobody they're sexually attracted to around... well. They might have sex with people they're not sexually attracted to, just to satisfy their drive.
Asexuals don't find anybody sexually attractive, but some of us still have sex drives.
You say most people want to know a person's sexual orientation in order to figure out how likely it is they'll end up having sex with them? They'd do well to realize that how powerful a person's sex drive is has way more to do with how likely having sex with them is.
To put it your way, if you can only cook one thing and you're hoping to feed somebody, it matters what foods they like and what they don't... but most important of all is how hungry they are.
Just a question, does impotent fit in this conversation?
@BashfulLoner: People can be impotent for lots of different reasons. It doesn't generally have anything to do with sexual orientation (except insofar as someone might find themselves impotent when trying to have sex with someone they're not sexually attracted to). Unless I'm mistaken, impotence can usually be turned potent via medication (even if you don't want it to be).
It's not really my area, though.
@DarrenWalker I don't understand the practical difference between : a) A bisexual person with a low standard, who will have sex even with people they aren't very attracted to ; and b) An asexual person with a high sex drive, who will have sex with anybody even though they don't find them attractive at all.
It seems that the term "asexual" isn't particularly useful, and could be seriously misleading.
If a woman wanted to platonically cuddle with a person, she might prefer a straight woman, or a gay man ; believing that there would be no sexual attraction to drive inappropriate behaviour. That person would meet their own sexual needs in private and by hand.
An asexual person wouldn't find them sexually attractive, but might have such a high sex drive, that they are uncontrollably motivated to have sex with them. A bunch of straight cis-men on a desert island might wait months, years, or forever before having sex together ; but a bunch of asexual men might start, if the charter boat is a just a few minutes late collecting them.
@geoff1000: Does it help to consider the difference between A a person who likes both meat and vegetables, and is hungry all the time, and B someone who dislikes both meat and vegetables, but is hungry all the time?
A bunch of straight, cis men on a desert island might wait forever before having sex with people they weren't sexually attracted to—if they had low sex drives, or were fully satisfied by masturbation. A bunch of asexual men might start almost immediately—if they had immensely powerful sex drives and couldn't be entirely satisfied by masturbation.
It's about drive, not orientation.
You guys just tripped my whole thought of asexual. I thought it just meant a person was just not sexually driven by anything conventional; or actually anything at all. I’ve at one time thought i was asexual, but i lent it to me not interested in putting in th necessary effort to be sexual. So o know need to reevaluate my whole idea of it...... i really do Lear a lot here
@BashfulLoner: Always glad to trip someone up.
...More seriously, learning new things is cool. "Orientation and drive are two different things?" Yep. It's good to know!
A new prison inmate is paired up with a huge cell mate. Just before lights out, one of the warders puts his head through the door, and asks if they want any condoms, which are given out free by the state to reduce infections. "No thanks", says the new inmate. "I'm not gay. " "I'll have one", says the huge man, then smiles at the new inmate and says, "It's OK, I'm not gay either".
What we are, matters to us ; what we do, matters to others.
@geoff1000 And your post is why pound cake is not on most prison dessert menus.
@geoff1000: [nods] Yes, quite. In your story we can see plainly who's hungriest—preference doesn't enter into it. Obviously the new inmate hasn't figured that out yet....
Who a person is hints at what they'll do, but it really is only a hint. If you want to know for sure, ask.
@FunCartel: Actually I think it is; just not, you know, literally.
Although the concept of being asexual is foreign to me, I thank you @DarrenWalker for providing useful insight into it, and @geoff1000 for asking the questions.
It remains difficult for me to comprehend the separation of drive and attraction, as I only consume food I enjoy when hungry. I understand the words and meanings, I have difficulty with the concept. Similar to my strong grasp of physics, yet difficulty understanding the simultaneous particle and wave behavior of fundamental particles and the nature of quantum entanglement.
I think, if someone is here to cuddle, that’s fine with me. I don’t need to contemplate too much about what else is going on in your mind to respect you and have fun interacting.
So, just because I cannot relate to an asexual perspective, or fully understand the nuances of it, that’s ok, I can accept it - and be happy that you are here and get to be who you are.
Another Ace here! Homoromantic to be a little more specific. Glad to know I’m in good company!