I can't help but to think how many women are creeped out in knowing that there are men paying them to cuddle only cus they are young and pretty . And to say there is nothing pseudo sexual in it for them in wanting to do so
@pmvines: "Pretty" is aesthetic attraction. "Young" is often confused with "pretty" (as though old people can't be nice to look at). And "nice to look at" is often confused with "nice to have sex with" (especially when active, energetic youth is involved).
It's a mess, really.
@DarrenWalker I am speaking in the traditional sense not dissecting what it means to be attractive . I agree there are many degrees of attraction . That's not what I'm referring to here , nor do I believe many men are referring to when they are looking for a young and pretty woman to cuddle with . It's their prerogative and I can't even say I fault them really but it does add a creepy old dude element to things and it does make it more sexualized vs platonic if not in action at least in the mindset.
@pmvines: Yeah, but the different types of attraction are why these guys think they can get away with straight-up saying they want to cuddle somebody "young and attractive." It's obvious that they're talking about sexual attraction! But because aesthetic attraction is a thing, they think they can claim sexual attraction has nothing to do with it—they're just after somebody they like looking at, and only young people are really nice to look at.
...And touch. Which is purely tactile attraction, of course! [/sarcasm]
I would pick people who I find have an interesting story, respect my boundaries and opinion and have a good sense of humor. Someone whom I could have a positive impact on and would enjoy my company would also be nice. Age unimportant to me, although maturity would be.
@DarrenWalker Agreed
@pmvines: [nod, nod] And the reason it's so obvious that they're talking about sexual attraction (not the purely platonic aesthetic and tactile attractions) is this:
Society confuses "pretty" with "sexy"—you can't think someone's nice to look at unless you also think they'd be nice to have sex with—and doubles down whenever youth is added (someone young and nice to look at is definitely sexy). "Attractive" in its traditional sense basically means "sexy" ...even more so if you say "young and attractive."
I know I'm repeating myself, but it really is a tangled mess.
I'm youngish and reasonably attractive. Men want to cuddle me. But with that pseudo sexual element you mention @pmvines , I am wary. I don't feel certain that anyone who has messaged me is interested in me in a purely platonic way - I would have to vet people in person to find out for sure. It's a time burden, and emotional labour. I've had several experiences through my life where men violated the professional/platonic environment. Let's not even get started on rape culture.
I think I would feel more comfortable cuddling a woman, to side step all that. Or a gay man. Or an asexual person.
It is interesting though how the majority of people on here are men, and how straight men don't want to cuddle other men. Affection btwn men should be allowed, and normal - it doesn't make you gay.
@lior - there are a lot of women on this site who describe themselves as bisexual, so I don't think cuddling only women is going to guarantee a lack of sexual interest.
@lior I fully bought into everything you said in that last post until the last paragraph where you passed judgement on straight men that do not want to cuddle other men. You listed the type of people you would be comfortable cuddling and followed that with kind of condemning straight men for not cuddling other men. A bit of the pot calling the kettle black.
In addition, there are straight men who Cuddle other men and they have talked about it in the forum before, so you are working off a stereotype rather than fact.
@lior. It is not good that you judged straight men who only cuddles women. Some women on the site said they only cuddle women or some even has an age preference. People do what suits them here in the USA. Let people be
Woah. I'm sorry if I got it wrong. I've asked men on this site if they would cuddle men, and they wouldn't. I assumed it was the predominant attitude, that was wrong of me. I'm glad to hear that's not the case. I'm surprised at the attacking spirit here, wouldn't a gentle correction suffice?
I am pansexual. I would feel more comfortable cuddling a woman who was also attracted to women in a platonic setting, than a straight man, because of the multitude of experiences I have of men not respecting my boundaries. Sexual trauma changes everything.
I'm assuming that of the men who don't want to cuddle men, most don't feel that way because of sexual trauma from other men. There'd be other reasons, and I'm wondering what they are.
@lior: You’re omitting that it’s SO much easier for a woman to be physically intimate (I’m not necessarily talking about intercourse) with her own gender than it is for a man to do so with his. It’s really not nearly as “acceptable” for a non-gay man to say he’s open to same-sex cuddling (or anything else) as it is for a non-gay woman. And, I’m not referring only to the shaming he would likely receive from other non-gay men, but, from women as well, who might also view him as “suspect” or “on the DL”, as the expression goes. When was the last time anyone EVER said that about a woman? They’re allowed to “experiment” freely without criticism nor shame. Hence, the number of women at this site who identify as bisexual and/or cuddle other women only. But, men? Not so much. Sometimes we’re made to feel we’re predators or anti-gay simply because we have a preference for females and have no interest whatsoever in physical intimacy with other men. I honestly wouldn’t be at all surprised if there actually are non-gay men at this site who would be open to same-sex cuddling. But, I would think that getting beyond the stigma is what holds them back.
@RTL1970 thank you for explaining what I suspected the problem was. (Again, kind of attacking?) The stigma IS homophobic - widely spread homophobia that everyone internalises. Someone who had done a lot of self work on themselves in this area wouldn't be bothered about being accused of being on the DL as gay - they'd know that it's not bad to be gay so it's not an insult.
But being able to do this work is difficult when there's no resources around you to help you do it. I understand. No judgement. I just think it's sad, and I look forward to the day when overall society is less homophobic. I think it's unfair on men that it's taboo to cuddle other men - for those men that feel that way.
From what's been said so far, I'm going to guess that people are going to hate what I've said here and not acknowledge rape culture as a valid reason for women being afraid of cuddling men - afraid for their safety as opposed to being afraid of being accused of being gay. I understand now why there are fewer women on this site - cuddling when there's risk to safety is not worth it.
@lior: Agreed. Affection between men should be both allowed and normal—cuddling somebody the same sex as you doesn't make you gay, and even if it did, so what? If it works one way... just cuddle somebody of the sex you liked to begin with and switch back!
@RTL1970 is right: it's SO much easier for women to be platonically intimate with one another than it is for men. Society's ideas about "gay bad" and "man touch is sex" ruin everything in this area.
Of course, cis men do do most of the raping that happens in this world. And they do mostly pick cis women to do it to. But it isn't entirely fair to imply that men who cuddle men only have to worry about being seen as gay—which is bad enough, given society's history of treating gay men terribly!—it isn't entirely fair, because sometimes men do rape other men.
After all, if you're a guy, your options for touch basically fall under two categories: "sexy touch" or "violent touch." You can combine the two, but you don't really get any other options.
So if you don't want to touch someone violently, then you must be touching them sexily, right? Or at least pseudo-sexily. And cuddling isn't violent. So it must be sexual. Or at least pseudo-sexual. Because "man touch" is either "sex" or "violence" or both, and if it's not violence it's gotta be sex—and if you don't like other men that way you don't want them touching you that way, do you? Not even if it's strictly pseudo! What if they get ideas?
Which they might. Sometimes they do.
It's not great.
Edit: I guess there's also "practical touch." Like for shaking hands and stuff (though that can get kind of warlike too).
Hmm. Women can rape women too. But I have not been raped by a woman and have never been given experiential reason to fear this. Theoretical reason to fear is different from actually having experienced it and not wanting a repeat experience.
This is a big area and I'm not really equipped to do all the explaining.
I really hope that platonic man on man touch gets easier in the generations to come.
Holy mackerel. Sometimes it comes down to just preference—I do not like the way men smell. Simple.
My grandfather was a great cuddler of his grandchildren but I was always trying to get out of his grasp because he smelled funny. I have since discovered that he was not unique in that aspect.
@lior: I was sexually abused as a lad by an older female. Yes, really. While I don’t brag about it, I certainly haven’t let myself be traumatised by it, either. Any insecurities or self-doubt I’ve experienced regarding interacting with females has got Sweet F.A. to do with that. And, whilst no one’s minimising the existence of rape culture, I’m not sure how much sense it makes for a woman with that in mind to advertise her services at a cuddle site dominated by men looking for women.
@RTL1970 Well said. But if she can do it, all the more power to her. But reality and the numbers do not bode well for her,
Hi @lior - just a couple of thoughts on 2 questions in this thread...
How do you pick a cuddle partner? The person I’ve had the best cuddle experience with is someone who didn’t have a profile picture. If there was anything 'attractive' about her, it was they way in which her profile was written. It felt honest and sincere, and there was no room for doubt that she was looking for a platonic experience. She was consistent and genuine in the messages we exchanged too. The first time I knew what she looked like was when we met up, and it was actually really cool meeting up with a cuddle buddy without any knowledge or expectation of how they looked.
How do you stay safe? On a practical level, it sounds like meeting someone in public might be the best option for you? There’s just less of a risk than inviting someone to your home or going to someone else’s house. If you’re based in London, there are loads of nice parks and public spaces where you could meet someone. (I had my first public cuddle a few months ago and I was way less self-conscious than I thought I'd be.)
If you’re recovering from trauma, take things at your own pace. There could be a real benefit in the healing you might get from cuddling someone you trust, but obviously that has to be balanced with you feeling safe. Best of luck :-)
Had someone say they dont feel a connection to my selfie after sending them one. So what does that mean ?? Talk about being shallow. Hahah
@melancholy Yeah, they could have just said they were busy. That is very shallow.
I do this, Yes.
Pretty sure everyone does on some level.
Physically, emotionally, mentally or energy-wise.
There usually is some sort of connection or attraction.
I’m definitely not cuddling with anyone I find unattractive. Just because.. why should I? When there are plenty of options.
If I were inclined to pay for professional cuddling, I would pick someone who is nice looking (in my opinion). I don't need to be attracted to them. They just need to look professional and in person they must have awesome personal hygiene standards.
I'd vet everything else before meeting them. Women can be creepy. And cuddling a creepy woman can be problematic.
You get what you pay for.
I do too.
Personally, I'd rather cuddle pepple I'm not attracted to ensuring absolutely NO chance of anything "more" occurring. I've cuddled with @FunCartel far more than once and he's "legit" (as in, stays within the rules as stated on the homepage). I don't know if I've ever noticed if I'm attracted to him or not, but I know I can trust him to JUST hold me (comfort! THE ONLY purpose for being "here")... And that's ALL I "look for" in a cuddle buddy. Attraction shouldn't be a factor as it defeats the purpose of this site.
Yes I pick people I am attracted to.
Yes.....................