@littermate " I run groups online where there are standards in place and the depth of sharing is amazing because people feel safe"
I love being in that kind of environment, where there is safety to be open and vulnerable. I guess people need to (at least implicitly) agree to the standards for that to happen though.
@respectful Yes, I believe so. Doesn't take much non-agreement for the more tender-petaled to snap shut. Alas. Thanks for saying.
The forum isn't for everyone. It's for those who have a thick enough skin to withstand the nasty bits, and that's probably fewer people than would like to participate if it weren't so Lord of the Flies.
Yeah, that's pretty much the same for every forum I've used. It's a difficult balance between trying to have a forum environment that is conducive to freedom of expression and diversity of opinion versus an outright safe space. I wish they were not mutually exclusive but from what I've seen in practice, typically one comes at the sacrifice of the other.
For this forum, I do believe a balance slightly in favour of a safe space makes sense based on the website's purpose.
@Mark @littermate’s comment above does a much better job than I did of expressing the issue. It is about feeling safe to comment here which, apparently, many people don’t. Another private message I received last night:
I agree that due to the nature of this site, the forum needs to be more “safe” and people need to be more respectful. The forum shouldn’t be only for those with bulletproof skin. Some people are here because of painful situations and kindness is always appreciated.
@Mark I am a member of a golf forum. Their approach is they have folders by topic. It makes it easier to avoid posts which irritate you. The owners also set up a "basement folder" It was no holds barred and required a request to the the Admin for admission.
Another forum I visit has a Motor City Mayhem folder. Only in that folder are members allowed to state opinion and/or attack others.
@VN6056 maybe there needs to be an “Intellectual D**k Measuring Competition” folder... 😉😆
The problem with forums and people in general is that they cannot separate self from ideas and or opinions. Offering ones opinion is looked at by others as a attack on them personally. Case in point...
OP asks why do men cuddle women only and I replied cut they are cute, cuddly, soft skin, better hair to play with, in a word they are... amazing. And I directly had a reply from someone saying Wow thats a slap in the face. I have great hair. my sisters say to too. im cuddly... Etc Etc
Yes, obviously I was talking just about you personally @whoever. cuz the OP asked why are you not cuddling with @whoever. It is amazing that someone I have never interacted with would take a post as a personal attack. And that is the problem, people take things personally and then they will respond personally instead of intellectually (not intellectually passive aggressive.) It not only becomes personal, and or hateful, but often the thread is totally derailed from the op's subject.
Maybe a forced timeout from the forums for the bad actors going forward may be in order to make people think twice,
I was a constant poster in a photography forum that had a lot if Mod interaction. They would pop in and say get back on topic when it was getting sidetracked and kept a lid on personal hateful stuff and people did get blocked and eventually banned. It wasnt a HOA nazi thing but they kept it in reason. I have seen some Mod interaction here but maybe we need more.
@VN6056 The basement idea is actually probably a good idea as it takes away the censorship argument. Having a thunderdome would be good, then everyone would have a "forum" to "debate" in. We could even hand out free yard sticks or micrometers for their measurement needs.
I started a thread called complaints and other grievances for this very purpose
@pmvines An admirable effort on your part, however if the behavior you wished to contain in that thread is allowed throughout the forum then your effort is moot. I am not advocating the forums be controlled to a pg rating. I am a big boy and am completely able to go into the mosh pit and not fall apart by the posts of others. I just believe the current state of the forums here will and does keep many from participating and thus the full breath of opinions are squelched. Maybe the pendulum has swung a bit too far to anarchy, IMHO I have told my daughter to not be afraid to defend and debate her beliefs but to always listen to who you are debating with cuz every once in a while you will realize you may be wrong. But your dad has never experienced this 😉.
Previously there were complaints about this forum being moderated too heavily. But I'm open to the idea that the pendulum might now have swung slightly too far the other side. A poll to gauge this sentiment might be interesting.
FYI i am not for any full censorship by any means. I am aware of the propensity of people to get overzealous in their defense of their posts. If you were here you would see me raise my hand as I am guilty of it as well. I do the best I can to not get to that point but I am as human as anyone and I have apologized for it. If it happens again hold me to account. @pmvines I have seen you as a strong voice in the forums, as well as funny, but not one of the abusive, disruptive voices. Enjoyed your McConaughey limerick.
^^ Everything @snuggleme123 says above including about my boo @pmvines who knows how to poke fun in moderation (read: without stepping over the line into abusive or hijacking a post). I have now had 6 people PM me since I added my comments to this post agreeing with me so all the response to me, plus what I already knew, tells me there are probably many more (plus these folks) who are not participating in the forum because of the shenanigans of a few and that is NOT inclusive or fair.
In retrospect I will apologize to @Bles for part of my early posts. Whereas I dont understand the number of them all at once, the resurrection of this thread looks like it has led to a positive outcome. I may have been wrong. Dont tell my daughter.😎
A few are crying out “be nicer, be more kind”. Well, so long as we’re ignoring how forums operate and wishing for the impossible, I’d ask more people to think before they post.
I’d have a lot less to work with if people did that.
@hogboblin - https://www.today.com/series/one-small-thing/being-kind-good-your-health-how-practice-kindness-every-day-t163335?cid=sm_npd_td_fb_ht&fbclid=IwAR0arq1okJ1t8twLqnnaEbKwGYO2YDGKIxu78VNGLDJXdq3-EgEaZto_VZU
@hogboblin Being kind maybe impossible for some. Thinking often is. That leaves us with silence. Pick any one.
@Mark
It isn't that the forum is moderated too heavily, it's that it's done unevenly.
I've seen threads Edited for language, personal attacks and gross snarkiness. The same two or three members seem to get unlimited opportunities to repeat the behavior.
One site solves its problem with not allowing unmoderated posts during the first six months of membership. Might help here.
Necromancy? Since the MMO I play is releasing a new trainable skill that isn't necromancy (I had hoped it would be), I've just gotta get in on this.
I've also complained in the past about contributions from certain folks, before a pretty simple train of thought hit me one day: Why do I let the antics of other people bug me so much? What is it within me that allows for an opportunity to get so riled up over how someone communicates in front of a screen? A pretty simple station for that train to arrive at: it's my own need for control and my own sense of entitlement creeping up on me. Sure, people should be decent to each other. That's what we're taught when we're growing up. That isn't what we get often times in real life, though...and much less online. It won't change unless humanity overlaps into one throbbing conscience - and being generous, that probably isn't due to happen for another millennia or three before the divine, personified concepts of Love and Hate drive a stake in one or the other and a victor is declared. Working with reality gets better results than pining for what things should be. Don't forget that while love, kindness, acceptance and patience might be pleasant things to experience on a forum, we aren't inherently owed them even if we think we deserve them. My advice to those who are really affected by "the state" of these discussions, as I thought I was: let go of the need for other people to make you feel safe. External validation can feel good when you think you need it, but if you think about it long enough, it isn't a concept that's sustainable. You will never truly feel safe if you aren't safe within yourself first, and it takes work getting there.
In short, other people aren't very reliable in the department of controlling how a certain climate affects you. Once you run into a person who makes you feel disgruntled, you have at best these choices: either shrug and move past it knowing your own truth, try to make the other person see your point of view (with a 50/50 chance that they will come around so you can feel at peace) or run to another person to validate where you stand. I know which ones I'm most comfortable doing, and one of them is not relying on others for my sense of comfort online.
A community is made up of people from all walks of life, all different viewpoints, all different experiences, all different voices, none of which are obligated to be "more" or "less" than what they are. We should all try to remember that, because unless the site administration decides otherwise, it isn't going to change.
I honestly just don't read what im not interested in reading, so it saves on the frustration. Besides, I have been on here long enough to where I recognize an ancient thread lol
@hogboblin it's more than just a few people. And since you are one of the main people participating in the negative behaviors I wouldn't expect less from you than to belittle our "cries." Why don't YOU think before YOU post: Is it relevant to the OP? And, yes, it is kind or at least not mean for the sake of being mean? I have seen you say you don't even cuddle so it seems the only reason you may be here is stir the pot and that's not nice or fair esp. to newbies who I've seen get roasted by you and others for asking an innocent question.
Also @PeopleLikeUs I see you've blocked me (?????? whatever) but I agree.
@VN6056 “The same two or three members seem to get unlimited opportunities to repeat the behavior.” Yes. This.
@2dogmom 😍😍😍 that puppyyyyyyyy!
Oooh and also @PeopleLikeUs only likes a small subset of people ... most of "us" don't make the list lol
@2dogmom
A number of people here enjoy my snark, I’ll have you know; they find it a nice contrast to silliness and vacuity that pops up from time to time.
I’ve been banned from the forum for going too far before, and I assume that’ll happen again—should I cross a line.
You’re being very hurtful, though. And you’ve greatly offended me.
“And, yes, it is kind or at least not mean for the sake of being mean?”
You’re abusing English. That upsets me. My feelings are valid. Please, take me seriously.
Edit: I am wounded.
@hogboblin and, see, even in your retort you had to be an a$$ and insult my grammar. 🙄 I also seriously doubt I am hurting you in any way.
I, too, have enjoyed your snark, as you know. But you become almost relentless with the need to comment on every. single. post. Or so it seems.
Why do you care if people are silly and vacuous? Are you the banality police? As wise people have said if you don’t have anything nice to say, move along.
@hogboblin I am one who has enjoyed some of your "snark" and there is a time and place for it. You definitely color with a different set of crayolas and I dig it but dude. You have to admit you have gone across the line here and there. Many have. A drop of blood hits the water and the frenzy ensues. That propensity is in us all and magnified by the protective screen of the screen. I certainly am not wanting to pile on you or get you banned or as I have said before, have the heavy hand of censorship wield its mighty sword but we also must curtail the keybord ninjas from getting out of hand as their knives can spill even more innocent blood. As I said maybe we need a thunderdome page where no holds are barred and all is good. The main problem is not that someones feelings get hurt but that the forum has little participation because of indiscriminate attacks. Just in the past week a person posted a thread and in less the half of the first page he had been ridiculed to the point of asking how to delete the thread. im not saying you were a part of it. doesnt matter who was. The point is the person asked a honest question and was roasted for it. If someone is posting stupidity for sport then have at them but if they are seeking understanding on a subject or better knowledge then yes, the forum should be a safe place to learn and grow ideas. And you can still spar without shredding people. Eventually the same people will be the only people and that will get boring. And I dont mean that we need to cater to the "tender petaled"as @littermate described. As much as I appreciate her imagery I would not want to have them be the controlling force either (nor do I think she would.) At the moment the community is having a debate as to where the pendulum should rest, opinions welcomed.
Once again @snuggleme123 you have done an exemplary job of speaking my mind. lol
this: “The main problem is not that someones feelings get hurt but that the forum has little participation because of indiscriminate attacks.“
this: “If someone is posting .... seeking understanding on a subject or better knowledge then yes, the forum should be a safe place to learn and grow ideas.”
@Sashamcgee I don't block based on who I like and dislike.
One can’t insult grammar. It’s either correct or it isn’t.
I don’t comment on every single post. Of the forum’s first two pages (which consists of roughly 56 posts), I’ve taken part in 27 discussions. I even took a number of those posts seriously. (This is excluding stickied threads and Cuddle Comfort Radio.) You might say that “seems” was the operative word in describing my involvement in the forum. In which case, I’d say that you seemingly have a tendency to exaggerate.
Why is it wrong to point out silliness and vacuity? Because it might offend someone? I haven’t deliberately tried to offend anyone since the last time I was banned. Given that I’m not currently banned, I’d say that I’m doing all right not worrying overmuch about the hypersensitive. Fortunately for those affected (I offer to them my sincere apologies), nothing happens when one becomes offended, displeased, or otherwise irked. And forum participation isn’t mandatory.
Oh, no, you’re hurting me a great deal. I am voicing my discontent. This means something. I’m pleading with you: believe me and stop.
@PeopleLikeUs I actually truly don't care why you block people. I think it's tedious and ridiculous but has no barring on my life. So have at it.