That is why I have so many stuffed toys. I also have social anxiety. will cuddling allay the fears or make it worst?
@Windchime it does help a lot of people with anxiety and social difficulties. You just have to find the right cuddler that will treat you with respect. Make sure you chat with them for a while and really get to know them. If you have any questions, you can message me ☺️
Cuddlers are very good at helping you feel comfortable at every stage of the process, and they can meet you wherever you are in your touch journey. You can even ask the cuddler not to touch you at all until your ready. Cuddling happens on your terms, and it's all about making you feel comfortable in the space.
I would like to reiterate what @Sheena123 said—find the RIGHT cuddler. Some people on this site have an agenda. But there are diamonds amongst the refuse.
@Sheena123 I have chatted with many people (outside of this site) over the years and had lots of communication with them. Texts, calls etc. And some STILL turn out to be just looking for a lay makes things worst.
@sagelight I'm not averse to touch at all. It's intimacy and vulnerability which scares me. I'm a very touchy-feely sort of person once I get comfortable with people.. However I just cannot do intimacy.
@FunCartel I see that there's so many diamonds; but all these diamonds are so far away!
@Windchime you might have a better chance on the site maybe. I’ve found more guys in here as opposed to the real world that follow the platonic rule. Just keep trying and talking it out. Or start with finding a female. That might make it a bit more comfortable to start with. You just have to keep at it.
are you looking for someone that will go slowly enough for you or just for someone who just wants to cuddle and leave it at that? Or both? Or something else?
There's good cuddlers for both genders just gotta know how to screen them. I agree that since the SESTA Bill was passed that this site had an influx of cuddlers with an agenda so I deleted my acc then but I kinda regret it now. Best of luck.
@JasonCuddles just cuddles. And a friend out of it would be great too.
@sausalito what is the SESTA Bill and why did it cause the influx of 'cuddlers' with agendas? I'm not a regular on here so I don't know what is going on.
@Windchime I don't think I'm the first to suggest that "virtual" cuddling should always be an option, until you are comfortable with physical cuddling. I think that anyone who would respect boundaries while cuddling you, would also respect a boundary of no contract at all. That may be a good way to filter out what we on this site refer to as boundary pushers ( whether physically or emotionally ).
@geoff1000 how do 'virtual' cuddles work?
Fear can prevent a lot of wonderful things from happening in life.
@Windchime I mean forum chat, private message chat ; or even just being together, but with no physical contact at all. I get an emotional "reward", when I and someone else, are the closest physically to each other, compared to anyone else ( think of the winner in a game of bowls ) ; such as being in the same house. I similarly feel I am "in a relationship" with someone, when we are the closest emotionally/romantically/sexually to each other, than we both are to anyone else ; however close or far that is. I feel that if we all agree that cuddling a person is better than cuddling a hot water bottle, then it is the interaction of minds, that we value ; and the physical contact is just the means to an end. A pair of laptops with hands, could physically type on each others keyboards ; but do quite well over a cable, broadband, or even satellite WiFi. Perhaps physical contact is more "pure", because it doesn't get filtered and corrupted by the conscious minds.
A pair of lorry drivers passing on a deserted road at might, might flash their headlights as a greeting ; or a semi-comatose patient, might squeeze their spouse's hand a little in return. When stuck in a desert of human connection, sometimes the tiniest oasis can feel like a lake.
I agree with what I hear as the emotion behind your post, @Windchime. Maybe my understanding is colored by personal experience, but allowing another person access to my body, even platonically, is very difficult for me due to past trauma. I don't trust easily and I have a very sensitive fight-or-flight response to touch, two factors that really complicate cuddling, but I also deeply crave it.
Perhaps more than anything else, what has helped is participating in a couple of local cuddle parties with a trained facilitator. Cuddle parties are facilitated, group events with rules and an hour-long discussion on consent prior to each session. I messaged the facilitator in my area and told her the highlights of my story, so she knows some of my triggers, and she has been really good about checking in with me at the events. Not in a way that draws attention, but in a way I know she's cognizant of me at the events I've attended, and while she didn't share any specifics, she did say enough to know that I'm not the only one with a story like mine that she's helped. Learning about consent was very empowering for me, and having everyone in a room together made me feel safe enough to try cuddling for the first time. Mostly positive experiences have followed, and it's been really good.
How about starting by holding hands, while wearing ski gloves ; or even each holding one end of a rolled-up newspaper ? I have sometimes found the touch of another human being, even in a good way, to be like an electric shock.
@geoff1000 Wow, your words are beautiful!
"A pair of lorry drivers passing on a deserted road at might, might flash their headlights as a greeting ; or a semi-comatose patient, might squeeze their spouse's hand a little in return. When stuck in a desert of human connection, sometimes the tiniest oasis can feel like a lake."
This is what drew me to cuddling in the first place.
@sausalito @Windchime The ban referred to, I think, was the shutting down of sites like Backpage and Craigslist personals, which brought a lot of sex workers to this site and has made it trickier to make sure that everyone involved understands and respects its platonic nature. @Windchime, there are some wonderful people here (as you can see from these replies). I think you will be able to find someone who is patient and kind, able to build trust prior to meeting (if you decide you want to meet anyone, at all) or to just share your thoughts and feelings with. I have found that the people here, by and large, understand and share those feelings and we are all looking for the same thing–a way to connect. Thank you for offering your vulnerability in this way, and good luck
@warmlyhelena If you think my words are beautiful, you should meet me in real life ; that would soon put you straight. 😀 (but thanks anyway)
There's a line from the movie, The Next Three Days, where a man trying to spring his wife from prison is warned, "You want this too bad, you are going to F-word it up". The greater our need for something, often the harder it is to achieve. "The severity with which a man nicks himself with a razor, is proportional to the importance of the event for which he is shaving."
@Windchime have you not cuddled with anyone from this site since you joined in 2016? I have spoken with others who desire to cuddle but for whom taking that first step must require an extra level of patience, courage, and perhaps understanding from the person with whom you do eventually cuddle.
Take your time. I just had my first cuddling experience. I was nervous and scared before the cuddle. I was gonna back out . Glad I didn’t. Communication is key. Tell each other as much as you can of any worries you might have and see how the person responds. Like for me she have psoriasis and told me about it, so I wouldn’t freak out if I didn’t know what it is. And I get cold hives, but I don’t get it much now that I know what it is and how to deal, but still it would get crazy if I should get them and she doesn’t know what it is. Which is stressful for me. Tell each other of your expectations and such. Exchange current pics with face and body as I see you don’t have them too. No one likes being conned and if you use a deceiving pic , it makes the other person think what else you are not telling the truth on. We have our reason to not have our pic up but just be honest and tell the person when they ask. Good luck 🍀!
@knight88 I'm no expert, but I think that the ailments you ( bravely ) mentioned you and your cuddle partner having, are stress-related. I don't think any illness is actually "caused" by stress, it is just that stress prevents us fighting them, like when we stop running up a down escalator. My completely unqualified diagnosis therefore, is that your mutual cuddling is very likely to at least relieve your collective symptoms. Even if I'm probably wrong, self-medicating with cuddling doesn't have many adverse side-effects, so it's worth trying. 😀
That was very brave of you to post this, @Windchime! I'm in the same boat as you. I've been lurking here for years, but I just can't take the plunge.
I just messaged someone that "I really do love the IDEA of cuddling (pro or non-pro), but I'm still not ready to try. Even with a pro."
That said, poking around the site always makes me feel hopeful. Just the POSSIBILITY makes me happy. It's so nice to think that people who may not normally experience cuddling have an opportunity to do so. That's really cool.
I hope you're braver than me and you do give this a try. I think, with the right person, it could be very healing.
Also be realistic. We all like to cuddle beautiful things. If you’re a 6, don’t be thinking of cuddling with a 9. I know this ain’t no dating site but still people have somewhat of an expectation. If you give that 5 a chance, you will see that the cuddling is really great. Just saying. For people that says looks don’t matter, then why do we need to have photos or see each other before cuddling. Again just be realistic about it and open minded.
Yes. Like anything, where there's fear there's ignorance. After you cuddle once, twice or more your fears will disapate. You also do not have to start with cuddling but rather, hand holding, or star gazing. If there is a workshop in Singapore that would be a very easy place to start. If you experiece something related to trama maybe it can help you to deal with that as well however you see fit. I have faith in you Windchime. I know you can do it.
@knight88 I rate myself a solid 10.
Edit. On a scale of 1 to 100.
A truly good good cuddler, experience or pro, should start by asking what u like & keep it conservative- like a head or foot rub, just sitting side by side, etc. If they detect u like what your doing, they won't rush you into something else. In time they might ask if you'd like to stay like this way or try something else- be honest & if you know something you might like, suggest it. Or say u love what they're doing & just relax. One of the nicest things an experienced snuggler or good pro experiences is a feeling that they're actually helping a person relax. On this site, look for positive comments from others, stars & good karma. You might not find one in your area, so expand your search & don't hesitate to think about traveling a bit if you find somebody. It's a lot easier than taking your chances time after time with the multitude of people here that either are new also or have other agendas in mind. You need a positive experience to start
@eddie2sweaty very true eddie. Unfortunately this has held me back A LOT.
@geoff1000 ah. Mutual friendliness and respect. I'm from Singapore, and we don't seem to give it out. Strangers on the street do not smile or say hi to each other. Neighbours do not know each other (in general). We are quite a cold society, but if you were to walk up to a stranger and ask for help (directions, for example), some would willingly help and even Google-Map the location for you. (like me - unless I'm rushing somewhere) Some will just give the cold shoulder or a monosyllabic response.
Ski gloves and newspaper.. I don't think I am at that level? I don't know, since these kinds of things such as hand holding (except greeting hugs from friends - which i response with a bear hug of my own) don't really happen for me.
Our society doesn't really do physical contact. Even verbal communication/expressing is hard for us Singaporeans so even the 'screening' would not really work. I think it is Asian society? I don't know. Singaporeans are not easy to get to know, and then they will have another agenda (especially between the opposite sexes).
"When stuck in a desert of human connection, sometimes the tiniest oasis can feel like a lake." I get overly attached to things and places because of this
@Biblioromantic we're in the same boat. Do you have social anxiety in general or just with cuddling? Mine is the former, so even meeting people in person is really hard for me.
@warmlyhelena thank you Helena!
@calineur nope. I'm not even active (until recently, because of the forum). I mostly get messages asking "are you free tonight?" / "i need a cuddle." One liners. And since my experience with a creepy guy years ago... (we met as internet buddies, he tried to hold hands, barrier passed do more step-by-step and eventually tried to end with...you know. I only let past the first barrier and he went too far. It was not even a date/hand holding but more of a meet-to-get-to-know-in-person thing. I did chat via whatsapp, verbal calls for a couple months prior to the meetup) I don't trust easily
@knight88 I'm glad your cuddle experience worked out fine!! Definitely would be good to be honest and upfront. Back then I was perhaps a 6 that met a 4, so in a way, realistic expectations. But he still tried to be funny, so.. It's more a person than how he/she looks or presents themselves. I could not tell from his photo that he was that sort. He sort of (?) had the clean cut look or I was just an idiot
@MikeinDavis "poking around the site always makes me feel hopeful. Just the POSSIBILITY makes me happy. It's so nice to think that people who may not normally experience cuddling have an opportunity to do so." I feel you. The exact thoughts I have with myself too!! Keep me updated if you do go for one experience yourself!
@PeopleLikeUs I ran from one previously He was respectful of my boundaries too. But did some things I did not like. (and I could not express it to him, but instead, ran away)
@cuddleaddict Definitely!
@Windchime That's good. If he did some things you did not like you should get away. If you do something that does not involve cuddling like stargazing you have time to discuss exactly how you would like to proceed before cuddling at all. Be specific about what you like and don't like without cuddling. You can also practice saying "yes" and 'no" to each other before you ever cuddle. You should not be afraid to say no. I know it sounds silly but sometimes going through a ficticious routine can alleviate the tension before cuddling ever begins. One thing I did with someone who was scared was to simply place the bottoms of our feet together while sitting on the floor. The act itself made us both laugh because it was a funny cuddle we made up. As we talked we laughed even more and pretty soon we held hands and then moved our hands up each others arms, all while asking and checking with the other person if it was okay. It took getting together 3 times before we ever touched. We talked in detail about how to handle ever time we moved by asking first if it was okay.
Imagine a society where the only time you are allowed to eat, is at an all-you-can-eat buffet, where you are expected to stuff your face until you are almost sick. It would be very hard for customers who want only a light snack, or for a restaurant owner who only wanted to provide that. This site is trying to be a place where those who are happy to merely snack, can meet up. There will be the occasional customer who wants to barge into the kitchen and gorge themselves, but there are other places where they can do that without upsetting anybody.
@geoff1000 that's a wonderful metaphor.
@Windchime Thanks. 😀
will cuddling allay the fears or make it worst?