To Bully or Not To Bully in the Forum: That is the Question.

Those of you who frequent the forums may have noticed a little more "peaceful" feeling here the past month or so. I discovered that is because a few of the more insidiously "vocal" contributors were given a "time out" for a bit for being overly aggressive.

Personally, I will admit that I am not a fan of the people who were given a time out. I basically equate them to bullies because I feel their comments were often, at best, baiting and, at worst, mean-spirited. My observations were they had to "hijack" almost every post, chiming in with their sarcastic barbs thinly disguised as "wit", often at the emotional expense of the OP and/or another member.

I took them on a time or two and have had other members reach out to me privately that they used to chime in on the forum but didn't anymore because of these members. Or they had thought about posting but did not want to possibly endure the heat of ridicule and scorn.

Since the time out, I've been encouraged and happy to see quite a few new "posters" on to the forum and many really thoughtful and wonderful posts with lots of positive engagement from members. THANK YOU to those that have stepped out in vulnerability to post! I also have actually gotten to "know" some members a little better and have enjoyed participating in discussions.

I don't know what will happen when those members are allowed to return to posting but I am asking those of you who have enjoyed the atmosphere the past month+ to continue to support an open, inclusive, positive forum experience and, if shenanigans ensue, to stand on the side of not allowing a few people to cast a pall over the forum community.

Thank you for your time and attention. This ends my TED Talk.

Kense

Can you name who you're talking about?

@Kense I would prefer not to "name names." Instead, I will say that there is always a "risk" in a public forum to have some folks who try to "show out" so maybe the ask is that if people see "bullying" behavior, we agree to "call it out," respectfully, in support of the OP and other members.

Kense

I don't spend a lot of time here so I don't know who you're talking about but it's always better to just come out and say it. Especially since they are returning to give everyone a heads up.

Sheena123

@2dogmom I know who you are referring to. I’m definitely against bullying. Sometimes I enjoyed some comments they said. Some sarcasm can be funny but I do agree with you that the bulk of their sarcasm was void of caring and more just to get a laugh at the expense of the poster. There were times where they came to my rescue when there were some posters that were incredibly cruel to professional cuddlers, so I thank them for that, but it doesn’t excuse the attitude they imbued in almost every thread. They will continue when they come back. It will never stop unfortunately so it kind of boils down to ignoring the hateful or cruelly sarcastic comments and focus on the comments that stay on topic. ☺️

ukcuddler

@2dogmom I didn't realise there had been a time out, thought those individuals had gone onto new pastures, but I would agree that there has been more peace in the forum. We can only see what happens now.

"They will continue when they come back. It will never stop unfortunately so it kind of boils down to ignoring the hateful or cruelly sarcastic comments and focus on the comments that stay on topic."

@Sheena123 I agree that they are supportive of pro cuddlers but that was pretty much their only saving grace IMO. To your comment above, it CAN stop if people here stand up and say "This is unacceptable and you need to stop" and report them as needed. I don't agree with ignoring constant cruelty and bullying. That is called enabling and accepting, and I am to a point in my life where I will not abide that kind of behavior.

littermate

When I came on this site I noticed a culture of "be sarcastically clever at any cost." People who asked innocent questions were seen as "straight men" whose vulnerability was ignored in favor of clever wise-ass-ness. There also seemed to be a level of "fight-to- the- death" especially when someone felt defensive. (I don't mind a good back and forth iif it's headed toward mutual understanding.)

I appreciate dark clever humor and I found it often funny unless and until it was kicking the crap out of someone. I stood up to that a few times and at least once was called a name and fought with. I also noticed that sometimes it was just dark and funny and was construed as mean when it wasn't, probably because of someone's past pain at the hands of these fellows.

I experienced the same folks that might be meanly derisive to also be insightful, kind and protective.

I like to spill love and welcome. I also like to laugh, but not at anyone's expense. I wil continue toi interrupt meanness when I see it. I like that it's gotten safer for people. I also miss the humor of at least one fellow who has now left the site.

We all have shadow. I think I like to see all humans as grey, not black and white, and to stand up to harm but not to forget any heart, however obscured in their thrashing about.

MonkeyNeedsAHug

I’m here for kindness- to give it and to get it.

Thanks for the reminder that people need to feel safe in order to put themselves out there.

When I came on this site I noticed a culture of "be sarcastically clever at any cost." People who asked innocent questions were seen as "straight men" whose vulnerability was ignored in favor of clever wise-ass-ness. There also seemed to be a level of "fight-to- the- death" especially when someone felt defensive. I appreciate dark clever humor and I found it often funny unless and until it was kicking the crap out of someone.

@littermate I 110% agree with ALL of this. I, too, thought some of the comments were funny at first, but then when I started to look at more posts, I realized that the mean outweighed the clever IMO. And, speaking from my personal experience, when confronted about their less than desirable behaviors, the bullies then came for me. I actually had a moderator shut down one of my own posts just to stop the "fight-to-the-death" mentality.

You mention culture... just like a workplace, the members of this site dictate the culture of this site by what we CREATE and what we ALLOW. I, for one, am for creating a space where people can, as my buddy @HoldenCaulfield says, "put themselves out there" and to not allow narcissistic bullying. I am NOT a delicate flower and I can take a jab of sarcasm--even welcome it!--but I think we all understand the difference between clever and cruel.

pmvines

All personalities are welcome with me . Sometimes meanness is clearly such and other times it is the perception of the individual . I dont feel most people are on here to be mean or to bully. Some personalities certainly come across that way . I know I can come across certain ways sometimes , and certainly have a few folks who simply don't like me at all because of it . Even those who are deemed argumentative and over the top usually do add something of worth and value to this community . We aren't all the same nor should we be and we can't please everyone. Unless you are a blatant troll for the sake of trolling , I welcome you and appreciate your presence

@pmvines you know I love you, and you also know you and I have had this discussion in person and we have agreed to disagree on this one thing. Sorry boo. Still love ya tho.

pmvines

@2dogmom i am a hard person to agree with everything on lol

hugonehugall

Unfortunately we live in the torch and pitchfork age. Where we pile on people with a differing opinion especially when it doesn't coincide with the " woke " movement. But those people have valuable input , intelligent opinions & also feelings along with everyone else.

@hugonehugall I am not sure if you are directing that comment at ME or the folks who come here to ridicule others... bottom line, I have ZERO problem with anyone engaging in a respectful way even if it is sarcastic (as noted above) or a little dark. It's when it becomes a personal attack, or has that feel, that I take umbrage.

hugonehugall

@2dogmom I'm not directing it at any 1 specific person. Just a general statement about todays internet culture 😊

@hugonehugall thanks for the clarification... I agree. People can sit behind a keyboard and spill all kinds of vitriol they would never say to someone's face. I work in animal welfare--which is FULL of crazy-ass advocates--and I have been slandered more online than I have time to tell. It hurt at first, now I'm just like "listen armchair warrior, when you come do the tough "boots on the ground work," you can come for me. Until then STFU."

WKplatonic

My heart hurt for all who suffer, but bullying has no place, especially on a platonic cuddling website, in my opinion. It is hypocritical. The majority of us don't have the knowledge or the experience to handle those who suffer from brain disorders. This website should be all about fostering healthy platonic relationships. We all need and deserve to feel valued, safe, and secure without fear or judgment. In the end, we all here on the same journey as to how best get our touch needs met.

UKGuy

Bullying is not acceptable anywhere. But I don't think disagreeing with someone else's opinion is bullying.

BashfulLoner

I think bullying is always uncalled for and unnecessary. I also think society tends to have a need to want to be right.

(Even when there is no conflict people tend to repeat or say what’s already been said in their own way. I think this is done to people can ensure they said something that’s right.)

Now i am one who desires to never be wrong, and hopefully say things i believe to be correct every time i speak. The one thing i try to remember, it’s ok to be wrong, just learn. In hopes I’m not wrong again. I also remember it’s also ok for someone else to be wrong. Therefore, just because i don’t agree, there is no need for me to prove them wrong. If we are polar opposites on a subject, i can let them be and walk a way.

Sometimes the need to defend yourself or your belief is fruitless. Let the bully talk to themselves.

@UKGuy respectful dissent is one thing. Purposefully lobbed barbs to ridicule or dimish someone is another. I am referring to the latter.

@BashfulLoner god knows I hate to be wrong! lol But, again, I will stand up to folks who feel the need to elevate themselves through deriding and disrespecting others. Period. Full stop.

cuddlerforu24

There were some good discussions that unfortunately had to be shut down , if the individuals had been more frequently “ moderated” by the forum moderators , perhaps they would not have got hit so hard with the ban .

I will say the two described ( put together )are nothing , nothing compared to the pro cuddler bully we had here a couple years ago . She had a partner in crime , a guy , she would PM, to back her up on the forum , and it was rumored that she had another profile , that she used to even further back up her comments . One Saturday morning , she launched an attack on someone ( lol using the guy to start the thread ) who usually was very opinionated on pro cuddling prices , it got ugly real fast , resulting in the discussion stricken from the archives . She eventually quit the site after not being able to stand being given a warning .

Melancholy

I do remember those bullies. They were so rude and just loved to be sarcastic and made me regret posting anything.
I hope they never come back.

Sideon

Sarcasm is one thing, but constant belittling, trolling, and jerking the forums around is and should be reportable. It is sad that it's necessary. It is on all of us to call out the transgressions and behaviors and report the offenders. The last month the forum content and contributions have been stellar and I'd love to see the spirit and enthusiasm continue.

I'm curious from the admins.. what is the punishment for repeat offenders? Second question, do the returning offenders have a chance for a mea culpa/apology before they're perma-banned?

PeopleLikeUs

It's really okay to say men instead of people.

adorable48

I wouldn’t dare say something to someone online that I wasn’t brave enough to say to their face.

Groucho

I found Funcartel tolerable about 60% of the time. The other 40% got me skipping over his posts.

Hogboblin was closer to a total waste of bandwidth. His account is deleted

DeathbyChocolat

It the people who have been on the forums for a long time and like to argue with you for not having the same opinion just read old forum post it the same ppl

geoff1000

There is only one safe and acceptable target for sarcastic humour, and that is oneself.

pmvines

Has anybody considered that talking about what you dont like about specific forum users and singling them out when they are not able to speak on their own behalf is not much better? I may be playing devils advocate cus lord knows i like me some devils but just sayin...

Kense

@pmvines I agree and not even using names at that. Thanks to Groucho for at least mentioning the people who all the hoopla is about. If you're going to talk about somebody at least say their name.