Question for male cuddle enthusiasts

2

Comments

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @soloforever: I have found a non-pro cuddle enthusiast who'd just love to cuddle on a regular basis and who doesn't seem likely to drop her buddy even if she happens to pick up a romantic relationship with somebody else.

    Thing is, since you've blocked me I dunno if the two of you'd be close enough to get something good started. She and I live a little too far apart and have a little too much transportational trouble for things to be simple (and I don't need the intensity of a cuddle a week anyway). Not sure whether I'd do better to link you to her profile, or to just leave you with the glowing hope provided by the fact that yes, there are non-pro female cuddlers on here who'll stick with you.

  • @soloforever
    I agree it is normal to be sad when someone who was part of your life is no longer there.

    Begin with the end in mind. Know that everything is transient. Enjoy the present moment, and the memories. Be grateful for having the opportunity to know the person and spend time together. Every painful experience is an opportunity to learn and grow.

  • @littermate I think you nailed the tone of @herby357 's second post. I hope I'm never loved the same way.

    @soloforever deactivated

  • @littermate, thanks for taking the time respond to my posts. I'm an old soul literally and figuratively and try not to let my ego/emotions play into things.

    The most powerful thing any of us can do is "change our mind" in order to shift our perception of something negative to a positive. Sometimes it takes a little tough love to help someone grow or contemplate the various mental tools at their disposal. Mind over matter is an ole saying for a reason.

  • Interesting that the OP came seeking advice and then resorted to name calling when another poster respectfully offered an assessment that OP disagreed with (“nonsensical”, “psychopath”, really??). Think we’re starting to see the real problem.

  • @Riverside77 fwiw, there actually are friend making sites/apps. For instance Bumble has an option to meet just friends. Not for cuddles specifically of course.

    Also, maybe try a pro despite your reservations? You probably won’t really become friends with them of course, but you might find it’s not quite what you expect. Some of them actually do care. Maybe not exactly the ideal kind of caring one might hope for, but it’s something.

  • @mbo thank you for the Bumble suggestion. Tried it. Same results as this site. But I really do appreciate the time you spent to write me a suggestion.

  • @herby357 - You have obviously developed healthy relationship expectations from years (or lifetimes… I love talking about stuff nobody can prove) of experience and self-improvement. Your interpersonal communication skills are stellar. I am assuming the headphones and mic infer broad/pod-casting in some capacity? I would like to subscribe. I admire and look up to you. I am now a huge Herby fan!!

  • If you find a pro, then finding an enthusiast is looking for a way to save money. From that perspective, there is no emotional down-side to a pro. I've likened it to taking taxis where you want to go, but hoping to hitch a lift.

    Anyone with whom we have an emotional connection on any level, would be missed if they go. Think of war situations, where people are being lost all the time, and no-one can risk the hurt of loss. It is dehumanising.

  • edited January 2020

    According to the other posts around here you should consider yourself lucky to even find women non-pro cuddles

  • edited January 2020

    @Groucho thanks. I saw that too. Probably one too many lectures for his sweet heart.

    @Lucas_ That's right where you AND @herby357 got it wrong. @soloforever wasn't asking for advice--he was expressing feeling and asking for people's experience. He wasn't asking about his own emotional reaction, he was asking about people's experience of the site and other cuddlers. @herby357 pathologized his sadness. When you advise and pathologize someone, you step up above them, closer to Mount Olympus, instead of staying on the ground as a fellow human. That's insulting.

    This "benevolent" top-dogging--offering diagnosis, treatment and "wisdom" for something that is natural--is a big reason why women are exasperated by men in the emotional arena. It's also a huge way men keep each other from feeling. It is shaming to topdog someone in the name of helping when they've showed their belly because you are tweaked by that level of vulnerability.

    @herby357 Mind over matter is the result of many an abuse. IMO you're hiding your vulnerability behind an elevated spiritual identity. Don't you dare get smugly lectury with me. I can smell you 2438 miles away.

  • edited January 2020

    Regarding emotional attachment, I logically understand the theoretical benefit of not being attached to a platonic cuddle buddy, but the reality is that if I do not "fall in love" with her during a cuddling session, I have no motivation to see her again. And no, that doesn't mean that I am interested in a real relationship. It just means that I am getting that which motivated me to seek her as a cuddle partner. There are several who I still think of with fond memories and affection as a result of the feeling that was elicited by our cuddling together.

  • edited January 2020

    @peoplelikeus thanks for the kind words. I'm in the process of producing my first 10 podcasts in support of a book I wrote on caregiving. Cuddling has been a path in my discovering a new "emotional" normal as it were. I'm sincerely grateful that I came across the phenomenon of "platonic cuddling" to simply be able to relate on an intimate level again. The non-sexual aspect/platonic construct has been key in allowing me to be truly vulnerable with my cuddle partners.

    Cuddling has been much more effective than massage therapy, yoga, mediation, or any of the other holistic avenues I've pursued on my road to healing. I detest modern psychology's pill for every problem approach to healing.

    @littermate my contribution here is not to elevate myself, but to hopefully provide cuddlers (particularly males) with ideas to help elevate their thought processes. Elevating my thought process or "mind over matter" is what allowed me to endure the emotional hell that accompanies 12 years of being the primary caregiver for an elderly parent with slowly progressing dementia. Mental gymnastics fugitively and literally saved me -- so I'm coming for a place of empathy and healing. Not hubris, which is how I'm taking you see it (given your replies aimed in my direction).

    As I said to @soloforeever I love my fellow human beings, and sometimes that requires "reading between the lines" or what you gauged as "pathologizing." I'm not interested in hiding or insulting, but learning and growing. That's my single motivation for participating in the discussion. To be a better person.

  • @littermate i think you described one of the biggest issues we have in the forums. Sometimes we all tend to give advice when none was asked for. Sometimes people share ideas on the forum and some times they ask questions just to get perspective. Advice, Direction, Coaching is not that; and when given when it’s not necessary or requested it’s offensive.

    I do it sometimes too I’m sure. But that is for pointing it out

  • @littermate
    I'm reminded of the man who was asked why his wife left him.
    "She said I didn't listen and pay attention to what she was saying, and blah blah blah something or other."

  • @herby357 it says a lot that's good about you that you didn't attack me, thank you. I still stand by my sniffer in regard to something in there, take it or leave it.

    And thanks @BashfulLoner for seeing what I'm pointing to. I'm sure I do it too sometimes.

    @geoff1000 Always with the humorous anecdote, you are. :)

  • @soloforever I’d be the happiest member on this website if I was in your predicament. You don’t have a photo, yet you’re still finding non-pro females to cuddle with. That’s amazing considering how difficult it is to find a female cuddle buddy in the Northeast. On this side of the country, they only meet to cuddle after an engagement ring is given. It’s a shame because it defeats the whole premise of why this site exists.

    The Beach Boys knew what they were talking about when they said “I wish they all could be California girls.”

  • @littermate
    I don't know the technical term, but I feel like the second hitter on a volleyball team ; you or someone else taps the incoming ball to just the right height above me, and I find it easy to return it over the net. Sure, the point is awarded to me ; but I'm just finishing the job you or someone else started.

  • @Riverside77 have you heard of https://meetup.com/? You can find all sorts of fun activities to meet new friends in your area.

  • @geoff1000 I think that is called a slam.

  • The only time I have developed a state of friendship with a cuddle buddy was on one 16 hour cuddle about 892 miles away from where I live. All my other cuddle buddies fall more into the companion category. I guess because I expect things to change when they do it's no big deal to me. This is something I have grown into and I wish I could somehow hand off to anyone experiencing sadness as a result of these built-in change of circumstances. If anything, I try to get through to my cuddle buddies that they are free to leave at any time for any reason and that they don't have to explain, ever. This may be in part why they feel free to stay.

  • @PeopleLikeUs

    Is there something wrong with feeling sad? Is it something we need to apply a new perspective to in order to eradicate?

    Give me sad any day over "no big deal" if someone who we've bonded to suddenly wanders off.

    What if sad is also something that we can just expect to show up from time to time and that can also be no big deal? Like the weather?

    Sad is delicious. Sad is sweet. Sad is the heart. Sad is human.

    I'm very curious about all this detachment here. Sounds like spiritual evolution but I'm betting it's often just plain ol' coping dissociation. Trying to help people who have a bonafide sweethearted feeling out of it with new mental perspectives to me is fishy fishy fishy and sounds a lot like soldier training.

  • Very true about sadness @littermate. If I am going to feel anything, I have to feel everything. I don't have the ability to feel happy without feeling sadness as well when the time comes. I have a profound association with what I believe to be oxytocin. So for me, the primary activity is cuddling. I don't bond until what my cuddle buddy is feeling becomes primary and the cuddle becomes secondary. This is in part to having done cuddle workshops in which everyone walks away afterward. It's also in part because I don't expect to feel sad. Probably one more advantage I have is having been single for 34 years. So yeah, there is a certain amount of emotional control at my disposal as the result of being a veteran at this. Feeling sad after losing a cuddle buddy is an option. But I find sadless cuddling to be sublime.

  • One of the first enthusiasts I've cuddled with is a relationship anarchist and is aromantic; so yeah I've been lucky enough to find someone who won't find someone and not cuddle again. Even if she did...I'd be a little sad for a little bit but she's not the only cuddler out there!

    I think many cuddlers feel the way you do, @soloforever and that's normal. The very first enthusiast I cuddled with was a one-off thing. They were the best cuddler I'd had up (before meeting one of my new cuddle partners) as their style was similar to mine. I wasn't "sad" after they dropped offline but I would love to cuddle with them again should the opportunity arise.

    I think it's pretty normal for people to stop wanting to cuddle after finding someone. While it's only platonic I'm sure many, many people wouldn't want their partner cuddling with someone else, and I'm sure the other partner would be fine with just cuddling their parnter as they've found someone that fits their style. Why go looking when it's right in front of you, you know? It does speak volumes however to our mindset on affection.

    It can suck but it's normal.

  • I think it’s probably even harder on the soul when an enthusiast male meets an enthusiast female to cuddle, a bond is created and then for some reason or another, the companionship ends, because it’s so difficult to find a female enthusiast to begin with.

  • In medieval times, one technique to break the will of a prisoner was to let them think they had escaped then throw them back in the dungeon. As Hawkeye complains in "Avengers Endgame", "Don't give me hope".

    However, I'll say it again :
    1) Anyone who wants an exclusive arrangement, is looking for a "relationship", even if it omits some of the standard activities ; and
    2) Anyone who wants an enthusiast instead of a pro, is just looking to save money.

    A true platonic arrangement, would not care if each party is also enjoying a platonic arrangement with others. An exclusive arrangement creates too much dependancy.

  • "Anyone who wants an enthusiast instead of a pro, is just looking to save money."

    I think this might be the first time I've disagreed with you @geoff1000 but you are so pleasant to disagree with.

    Some of us like relating with our cuddling and find that connecting with an enthusiast instead of a pro creates a different kind of playing field relationally. (And I'm seldom talking about the cultural template of relationship when I say relate, relating, relational.) A long-term cuddle partner is likely a different animal than a long-term pro relationship, even though depending on the pro and the client, they can look or even be very similar.

    I find the variety of needs and interests among the peeps on this site fascinating.

  • @geoff1000 - "2) Anyone who wants an enthusiast instead of a pro, is just looking to save money."

    Hiring a pro could momentarily lower one's self-esteem.

  • Shelley once said that every year he read Paradise Lost by Milton which was more about Satan and the attractiveness of evil than it was Adam and Eve so he could feel evil and it’s seduction. Ironically, Shelley was an atheist and kicked out of school for being one. But he understood you could not have one thing without its opposite. So despite all the modern psychobabble, the idea of feeling all opposite emotions at once is centuries old. No one is unique in that unless you have difficulty feeling one emotion or the other, in which case you probably fall on the spectrum.

Sign In or Register to comment.