How to explain to family

oof

Hello,

I'm kind of new to the idea of platonic cuddling. I've thought about the idea of it for a long time and wished it were appropriate. Only recently have I done some research and realized that it can be appropriate provided that you find someone else who understands it the same way you do.

I have since cuddled platonically with a friend of mine a few times. We basically just slept next to each other and cuddled all night. We were both fully clothed, and there was nothing sexual about it at all. He is a guy, and I am a girl, but we are honestly just friends and we are both on the same page about the fact that there is nothing else going on there.

Anyway, him, my sister, and I are going on a trip soon, and the two of us would like to cuddle at night the way we had those other times. The only thing is, my sister doesn't know that we've cuddled before, and I don't think she'll understand the idea of platonic cuddling. I don't want to not say anything beforehand and freak her out or make things awkward when my friend and I go to bed together, but I don't know how to explain it to her. I'm also scared she won't be able to understand that it's not inappropriate even though we're only friends and nothing more. It took me a long time to understand that it was okay to cuddle platonically, so I really don't want to just spring this on her and freak her out.

I hate the idea of having this conversation with her because I really don't think she'll understand and accept it, but I really want to cuddle with my friend on our trip. In order for that to happen without things being weird, I need to let her know beforehand.

How can I explain it to her in a way that she'll understand? And like, how can I ease her into the idea of platonic cuddling if it's something she's never even heard of before? And what if she won't accept that it's okay and appropriate and completely non-sexual?

Sheena123

I guess it would depend on her age and how close you two are. When I told my sister that this is my job, I was worried she would freak out, but instead she said besides worrying about my safety she thought it was a great fit for me. Now, for you, this isn’t a job. This is something you’re doing with one person to feel comfort.
If you feel you want to open up to your sister about cuddling your friend, ease her into it. I might start with saying “I have something I want to tell you and I really hope you understand. My friend and I like to cuddle. It isn’t sexual. We just like to comfort each other. I wanted to tell you so it didn’t weird you out. I trust you and I don’t want to hide anything from you. Does that make sense?”

You don’t have to say it word for word but I hope some of it helps. Honestly, when I confided in my sister, it felt so good. I care about her opinion and I always tell her everything so maybe you feel the same way.

Good luck!

UKGuy

If the three of you are going on a trip, have you discussed the accomodation arrangements? Normally if 2 girls and a guy are going on a trip, the 2 girls would have a room and the guy would have a separate room. That is unless its pre- arranged there will be only one room and then I would think you'd need to discuss sleeping arrangements. I would think apart from the issue of her acceptance of platonic cuddling, wouldn't she feel like a lose end being a lone girl with a couple cuddling together all night? You could try what @Sheena123 suggested but would you be prepared to forego cuddling your friend on this trip if your sister is not happy with it?

oof

@Sheena123 Thank you, I think I will try something along the lines of that. I'm just really nervous to bring it up. My sister and I are really close, and I feel comfortable talking to her about almost anything. This is the first time I've really encountered something I wasn't comfortable sharing with her.

@UKGuy The three of us haven't really discussed sleeping arrangements together. My sister and I did a little and decided it would be most practical to bring the one larger tent (we are going camping) which has plenty of room for the three of us, and all three of us are comfortable sleeping in the same tent together. My friend and I have talked separately about wanting to cuddle together at night during the trip, which would obviously mean sleeping in the same tent.
To clarify, my friend lives far away, and I can only really contact him through text, so my sister isn't directly involved in any conversations my friend and I are having and vice versa, other than what I tell them in relation to the planning of the trip.
Just knowing my sister, I don't think it would bother her in terms of feeling left out. I'm most worried that she'll think what we are doing is wrong and won't be accepting of it. That being said, if for whatever reason she were to tell me that she wasn't comfortable with us cuddling during this trip, I would absolutely forego it. Maybe after attempting to convince her otherwise, but ultimately, all three of us enjoying the trip is more important to me than getting to cuddle.
All that being said, I realize that more communication definitely needs to happen between all three of us as best we can before the trip. I'm just nervous to bring this up with her.

respectful

@oof One idea: maybe showing her what you wrote up there in the first post could help her understand how you are feeling about this?

You wrote: "I'm most worried that she'll think what we are doing is wrong". Can I ask why she might think that?

oof

@respectful Up until recently, I have always known cuddling to be something that is only acceptable between romantic partners or between parents/family and small children. I know that she views it that way as well. I just think that it's likely that based on what she has always thought to be acceptable, she'll find it inappropriate for a guy and a girl who have no romantic intentions to be cuddling with each other. I'm pretty sure it's not a concept she has ever encountered, and I'm worried she won't understand. I don't know if that really answered your question, not sure if I explained that well.

oof

Maybe she might think that my guy friend has ulterior motives and that I am being naive because she can't grasp the concept of platonic cuddling. Or something like that.

Dante_S

Depending on how long it is between the trip and now... What if you brought it up in casual conversation...
Having nothing to do with you, him...
Just maybe find a news article or something about it... and say "hey, have you heard about this platonic cuddling thing?" show article and gauge reaction?

And then if the reaction is decent... "Sooo, what if I told you I found someone like that?? I can just cuddle with, and that's all it is!"

StoryDoctor1138

Another thing to consider... if all three of you are going to be sleeping in the same tent, but only you and your friend cuddle, your sister is going to feel completely left out, which may foster more suspicions about the "platonic" nature of the arrangement. I'm not sure how you can overcome that unless you choose to INCLUDE your sister in the cuddling... and then you will likely have the difficulty of explaining how it's not a "threesome" in the normal scheme of things.

Ultimately... it seems unfair that you want to have a cuddle with just one other person on the trip when there will be two other people going... especially if you're going to sleep in the same space. I'm not sure there's any way around it without sharing the cuddle. Otherwise, it might seem unfair, exclusionary, and maybe a little bit selfish. From an objective standpoint, anyway. I know how I'd feel if I was the odd man out... having actually been a third wheel on more than one occasion.

respectful

@oof "Up until recently, I have always known cuddling to be something that is only acceptable between romantic partners or between parents/family and small children. I know that she views it that way as well."

That's where I started out too, and it's pretty understandable / common. You explained it just fine.

Part of my initial hesitation was because of my values as a Christian; here is a post about the process I went through.

And here's an old post about "friends and family reactions".

geoff1000

@oof
Is there a reason why you and your friend would be judged, for having a "traditional" romantic / sexual relationship ?
It may be easier to pretend that you are, even though you both know you aren't. Best guess is that you will struggle to be convincing anyway, it is impossible to "prove a negative".

I have sometimes cuddled platonically behind a closed bedroom door, and kind of enjoyed the idea that people in the house thought we were "getting it on". That was as much fun as "getting it on", after my partner and I had made a very loud show of her showing me out, before I snuck upstairs to wait for her.

MrPaul

@oof
An honest conversation is best. You don’t need to provide a reason to cuddle, you can do it just because you want to. You are not responsible for the opinions of others, and you shouldn’t let those opinions change your life. You don’t need anyone’s permission to live as you wish and do what you want. There is no benefit to worrying about anyone’s reaction to what you do.

I suggest you have a friendly conversation and disclose everything in an honest way. Your sister will either agree or not with your opinions, and you should each accept the other’s view without trying to change it.

hugonehugall

@oof Is this the 1st time your sister has met said friend ?

geoff1000

@oof
"my guy friend has ulterior motives and that I am being naive"

His motives are only bad if they translate into actions, and most such people aren't that patient. My guess is that even if he wanted to "change gear" he'd be too scared of losing what he now has.

If you enjoy what you do together, that makes you vulnerable to the risk of losing it, which might be an issue if he lays his cards on the table and you don't like them.
Having said that, we can all have ulterior motives that we aren't aware of, so no amount of honest denial on his part will help. Like I said, you can't prove a negative, and neither can he.

sailorguy

I think the comment from the UK guy are the best. I agree 100%, talk to your sister about it but expect that you have forgo cuddling. Or just forgo cuddling for the trip and keep the "secret."

WKplatonic

@oof Spend some time with your sister before you go on this trip. Make some time for just you and her. Share your thoughts and feelings with her as to what is going on. Talk about the trip. Answer her questions as best you can. Be open and honest with her. Remember, she is your sister. It sounds like she loves and cares and only wants the best for you. If nothing else gets the conversation started before the trip and try to get at a fair place. Going on trips and vacations provides great opportunities for bonding and drawing closer together. Communicating effectively is so important.

geoff1000

Platonic cuddling is like : decaffeinated coffee, alcohol-free beer, and vegetarian sausages. They are all bit like the "standard" version, but different ; so some people "don't get it", and some people think one "may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb".

It is very hard to predict what someone will think about it.

littermate

I'd send her an article and say, this is something I've been dabbling in with my friend who's coming with us on the trip. Just wanted to give you a heads up! If you have any questions or concerns, let me know.

BoomerSpooner

Tell your sister to build a bridge and get over it. You can’t live your life according to the judgement of others.

hugonehugall

@oof Like a couple others have suggested maybe you don't cuddle this go around ??
I see a few issues that could arise from doing so on this particular trip. As others have stated you don't want to run the risk of your sister feeling like a 3rd wheel and isolating her. Even as much as you try to tell her it's all platonic if she doesn't understand the idea of platonic cuddling or doesn't believe it she won't be able help feeling like an add on. She may already be having these feelings beforehand knowing you're bringing a male counterpart with you as it is.
Also as much as you tell her you and your friend are 100% platonic if you two are cuddling up every night she may feel your being contradictory to everything you're telling her. If she doesn't say anything to you directly she may go home after the trip and tell your family " She said he was just a friend and nothing more but the way they were every night in the tent Im sure that's not the case " that's even more explaining with the rest of your family you may not be ready for. If it all possible is there a way for you to arrange time for the 3 of you to spend time together before the trip ? Just for her to get to him better and understand your dynamic is truly platonic ?

pmvines

Cant make someone else see things from your perspective. If she wont understand you have two choices. Either dont in her presence, or do and realize it will be a bit weird.

HealingHeart111

I don't understand why you think platonic cuddling is more edgy than cuddling between sexual partners? Wouldn't it be MORE shocking for her if you were going to the room to be sexual with him? It sounds like you still have some issues about it yourself, or you wouldn't be obsessing so much. You would just brightly and casually share this happy situation with her. If you frame it as a significant and controversial thing by your own tone, she is more likely to be weirded out. It really doesn't have to be a big deal. Cuddling within friendships is quite normal, regardless of gender. In fact, I can't maintain a friendship if there is no cuddling involved. It's impossible for me... I just don't understand what the main foundation and payoff of the friendship is otherwise. I have let people fade out of my life because they don't meet my needs in that regard. And my best friend and cuddliest is a straight man.

Has she met your friend before? If not, tell her how excited you are for them to meet because this person has made such a difference in your life. Or if they have met, say how excited you are for you all to spend time together, for the same reason. Mention cuddling in the context of how much you love and enjoy your friend. Make it a hyper positive thing, not a weird thing. And maybe not even the main focus of conversation. Again, this mostly comes down to your own perceptions and unconscious shame, whether you are able to do this smoothly. If she wants to ask more questions, she will. Maybe just say "He and I have even fallen asleep cuddling together. It's really soothing for both of us 😊"

Why don't you three watch a movie together under some blankets and cuddle and lean into eachother, and then she'll see and feel how casual and normal it is. I mean what do people normally do when they watch movies together? Sit a foot apart with no touching? Not in my experience. And don't all friends hug each other? At least when saying hello? Isn't a cuddle just a long, horizontal hug?

I think it would also really help you to update the words you use towards yourself. I assume you are over 18, so for you there is no such thing as "appropriate" or "inappropriate." Whatever you choose for yourself with another consenting adult is "appropriate." As long as it is physically safe. That terminology of "inappropriate" seems really hateful and arbitrarily judgey, and I would never direct it towards myself. You're still trying to justify that your actions are within the realm of "appropriate," but as long as you dwell within that dichotomy, you will always have the fear and shame of appearing "inappropriate." Step outside of that framing. It's OK to do the things you like ❤ Trust yourself. You probably got some brainwashing as a kid, and your sister got the same. So imagine how liberating it could be for your sister in the long term, to see you openly embracing the things that feel good for you, without shame.

geoff1000

@HealingHeart111
I like that advice.

It's hard to laugh at someone in a funny costume, when you are the only one NOT in fancy dress. Maybe the OPs sister will find someone similar.

oof

Everyone,

Thank you for everything you have all said and the advice you have given. The trip is cancelled due to the coronavirus situation, but I talked to my sister anyway, and it actually led to a very positive and beneficial conversation for both of us. I think she was a little weirded out, but I tried not to make it a big deal, and ultimately, she seemed open to the idea although it was pretty foreign to her.

Please feel free to keep adding to the discussion about how to talk to family and friends about it because y'all had great things to say. Reading through everything has given me a lot more confidence surrounding this topic and helped me further validate myself as well, so thank you again.