Significant others who don't get it.

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  • Correction

    ...acceptable, because they are her own. No matter how irrational and hurtful her REACTIONS are...

  • edited November 2020

    These haves been some great insight here. I’m married. Due to nerve issues my wife is unable to cuddle and has limited physical ability. However, I’m able to give her light massages and caresses, so I do.
    Cuddling here gives me the touch I crave. But allows me to remain faithful. I do however get the judgement comments. “You should cuddle with your wife!” Even from A couple of Pros. I get it. And people can certainly have their values. I respect them. It’s just a little hurtful to be criticized and misunderstood for my needs.

  • @unclebuck good point. I can totally see your position. Cuddle Comfort is not a dating site. However, perception makes it a site for singles.

  • edited November 2020

    There are varying beliefs about this for sure, and it seems there are varying beliefs about what people consider to be cheating. It seems to me some people think cuddling is a fairy intimate way to show affection that you should share with your significant other, so someone might see it as cheating if their significant other cuddles with someone else. I've also heard some people talk about "adultery of the heart", which seems somewhat related.

    Kissing is another form of affection that can be non-sexual. There are some cultures where people kiss on both cheeks when greeting people, and it's not considered sexual at all. What about a peck on the lips? I don't think that's necessarily sexual, but many people would consider it a type of cheating if their significant other did that with someone else. Where does the line get drawn?

    Also, if you flip it around, how would you feel about your significant other cuddling with other people?

  • Touché @FlyingToaster. However it’s difficult to imagine my wife wanting to cuddle someone else when she’s not big on touch. Then again I can be naive and say that about sex. I can’t imaging my wife wanting sex from someone else, and it happens every day. If she said she wanted a cuddle from some dude, I would try to be understanding I guess, but I would be wondering why she wouldn’t want that from me when I’m so willing anytime to give that to her. It doesn’t work the other way around because she seldom gives that to me. I suppose if I let her, than I would expect her to let me as well. Maybe that would be a gateway to an open marriage? I think I’m going down a rabbit hole.

  • I'm going through a terrible time with this...and the situation I'm in is largely my own doing. I've been married for over 20 years now. My wife is not the affectionate time and I very much am. She NEVER comes up to me, kisses or hugs me for any reason or no reason at all. She will somewhat reciprocate if I hug or kiss her, but I feel no real intimacy.

    About 4 years ago, I reconnected with a female friend from many years ago. There was never anything between us before except friendship, but this time there was a spark. Pretty soon it turned into an affair...not something I'm proud of, but there was something very different in this relationship. She gives me everything my wife doesn't...I'm mainly talking about emotional as well as the physical. I didn't realize how starved I was for just basic affection.

    Fast forward to today. I can't bring myself to leave my wife. We have two sons (one is grown, one about to be grown), and all the other trappings of life. We don't make a lot of money, but we are ok. I guess I'm afraid of hurting my family, becoming financially troubled and disappointing my family and friends. The thing that has me devastated is 10 days ago the friend I was seeing said she had to move on with her life. She couldn't wait any longer for me, even though we are each other's soulmates.

    I am so broken right now. She's right to move on...I don't blame her. I realize there is no way out without hurting someone. I break down and sob bitter tears every day by myself. I can't even cry on someone else's shoulder...who would I go see? There are so few on this website around me. I can't even get a so-called professional cuddler to respond.

    I certainly can see why someone's partner might seek someone on this site. Honestly, I think in that situation it's a band-aid. The real key to more happiness is to improve things with your partner. I know from experience that it takes two. My wife doesn't know why, but she does know I'm profoundly depressed. Maybe she'll start giving me the love and affection I've been needing for so long. Maybe the affection between us has been gone for so long that it's too late. Maybe I'll leave and actually try with my friend. Or maybe I'll just settle with the status quo and just exist and not truly live.

  • @Riverside77 It does seem like a bit of a rabbit hole when I start to think about it. I think I feel more comfortable doing this as a single person, even if it's platonic.

    @tjalex I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you can find some happiness.

  • @nurturingman ~ OMG!!! Maybe I'm "affectionately polyamorous"!

    Not really being interested in the "big xxeXchange" with someone (other than myself) I think this might be a fitting label.

    Also, I think it's kind of funny that I'm looking for the opposite of what some of you have mentioned having/wanting to hold on to.

    ⚠️ Probably Tmi...

    I think it's unrealistic that my partner(s) and I would have the same levels of interest/disinterest in all things, and sex just makes things more complicated and weird. If you can find your perfect someone, go you! But at this point, I'd be overjoyed to have an intimate soul mate.

    Assuming nothing changes for me as it relates to "the nasty", if they can find others to go and "flex their libido with", but still come home and curl up with me and we get to do all the other meaningful relationship stuffs together (like working on projects together, laughing, sharing space and sometimes we make out a bunch), that'd be an ideal relationship!

    I've been 'of service' to others all my life, and at times it has brought me some happiness. But for the most part, it's become exhausting and has suppressed my wants and needs for far too long.

    I think more than anything now, I just want a partner who thinks who knows I'm a weirdo and loves me more because of it, is my best friend and my primary cuddle buddy. Someone who motivates me and supports me doing the things that bring me joy, and has their own things going on that I can support and celebrate too.


    I've only got one foot out the door at this point, but I'm glad I'm thinking about what it is I'm missing in my life and what I'd like to find, so I can make intentional choices that will serve me well moving forward.

    Like being here, where I can meet others who want me to hug on them and they want to hug on me in return. Where there are boundaries and we don't have to stress about all of the above.
    How lovely!!



    PS ~ @tjalex

    What a hard mess to sort through. But as someone who has been miserable for years, I can tell you that not being honest about this will continue to gnaw at you, causing more and more damage the longer you wait. It's already hurting you and those you love and you're the only one who can sit them down and say, "It's not you, it's me", explain what's been going on, and give them the space to grieve the loss of what they thought was, and come to terms with what is. It'll all hurt no matter what. But one way forward offers the resumption of life, and the other the slow all consuming death of it.

  • @unclebuck we are all individuals and all couples have there own way of doing their relationship. If you are open and honest and it works for you guys, who cares about what other people think. (I know, easier said than done).
    I do wish that people understood, and that we would not have to fight just to have our needs acknowledge (even more to have them met)

  • edited November 2020

    Just FYI, this discussion reminds me of how Toni Tennille left The Captain because he would have sex with her but wouldn’t give her affection.

  • @Riverside77 maybe what we married people need is an education forum for our spouses to learn what, why, and how we need what we need. Or maybe all us gragarious, tactile people should all live in a community together. Just think, a neighborhood where people greet with hugs, back pats,etc. Who talk to you with hands on shoulders or arms doing around you. Walk hand in hand. Snuggle in puddles of limbs when watching movies. (All with consent, respect, and platonic if course)
    I am being facetious but perhaps I want and should be serious.

  • edited November 2020

    @Ennea2HugU sign me up for that community. All about that. It’s funny, before this COVID crap I loved to get my hair cut cause I got to be touched. They would wash my hair and I would feel her fingernails on my scalp. Ahhhhh. So nice. Other times while waiting in line for something, someone would accidentally bump into me or touch my shoulder or wherever. They would be so apologetic. And I think to myself, “don’t apologize, the pleasure was all mine. Do it again!” Is that weird? I understand other people are the opposite. They may feel their personal space is being violated. Maybe that’s the reason for the profuse apologies. But for selfish reasons I wish we lived in a world where we were not so afraid of each other and touched one another more.

  • @Ennea2HugU great forum topic! Thank you for all who shared. That community sounds awesome 😎 (I am single but would like to be apart of the community too lol) @Riverside77 I completely get what you are saying. If feels great to get haircuts and scalp massages as they wash it. Being a tall, big and broad shouldered guy people run into me all the times (especially on planes) but the contact may be fun for me as well too. Human contact comes in many forms and can be very enjoyable!😁🤗

  • @Riverside77 totally agree. I love haircuts, massages, pedicures, etc. for the same reason. (Though I do have a phobia of large crowds) however, my own sister is in the total opposite side of the spectrum. She has a very large personal space bubble.

  • @FishCuddles the more the merrier! 🤗

  • Now we can only hug trees......or your dog.

  • @tjalex I'm so sorry. I wish I could be a shoulder for you. That is an awful situation. I do agree with quixotic_life and you need to be honest, it will hurt, but it will only get worse if you don't. I am so sorry.

  • @Mike403 (sigh) I know. Freaking COVID-19!

    Though animals are great. I remember them being a huge comfort to me growing up. My family is not touchy. My sister hates it, my dad and brother find it very uncomfortable, and my mom just doesn't think about it (she is very task oriented). I had a giant flop eared rabbit that let me hold her like a doll, always had cats and dogs, (my current dog was a rescue and I choose him because as soon as I sat down on the sidewalk he crawled into my lap and put his paws on my shoulders, in a Aussie hug) rats, and (for a short time) wond up with a parrot that claimed me as a mate and therefore snuggled, preened, and regurgitated food on me 😝.

  • Your community of cuddly people sounds nice

  • I'm very new to the "cuddling community" and cannot believe I never even imagined such a thing. What a wonderful newfound part of life. Me and my wife are very open and understanding. She's never been a touchy feely type of person and I'm the complete opposite. My mom raised us to always be very loving and comforting (to the chagrin of my dad, although he eventually came around). So I've felt I've always needed the "feeling of reassurance, comfort and or grounding". My wife would do as best as she could, but recently she was the one that told me I should look into something like this. She gave me "permission", if you will to explore my needs as I do all I can to fulfill hers. We're at a point in our relationship where we understand each other and know we would not do anything to disrespect the other. Communication is crucial!

  • edited November 2020

    My partner was not open to the idea of platonic cuddling when once they were and it all comes down to trust.

    Whereas we had great compatibility intellectually, spiritually and on so many other levels physically (in particular touch) not so much, especially after the chemotherapy.

    We had a mutual friend who was a big hugger and that was all fine and well. It worked for all parties and generated a warm and v touch positive environmental not just between the 3 of us but our social circle in general.

    Sadly the friend relocated but the culture remained to a lesser extent which was fine until a new friend came into our circle an did not want to understand what platonic was. Short story they made a pass at me. I refused and told my partner all. I was forgiven but her trust in platonic touch was forever broken, not just for her but for our entire social circle...

  • @FWCuddles what a horrible thing to have happen to a wonderful little community. I'm sorry. I hope that perhaps you can find that trust and cuddle community again.

  • @FWCuddles thank you for sharing real life experiences about how to communicate outside platonic touch, benefits and risks to your partner.

  • edited November 2020

    Well it's not everyone on here who is married is actually 'married' so to speak. There are many of us who are still married on paper but are actually physically or legally separated. As far as cc protocol goes this separation does not count. And as such we are all lumped in the same category of being married and living together.

    I've been physically separated for several years. Legal extenuating circumstances keep the marriage on paper. Even as we have lived separately and conducted our lives independently all these many years.

    Yet on here out of respect for the legal paperwork that still keeps my status as 'married' I get all kinds of judgement and critical questioning. I take it all in stride. I suck it up and live. It goes with the territory.

    Had we still been together there's no way in hell could I have even joined this site. Even a conversation about cuddling another man might have got my head tumbling down the stairs or my teeth knocked out. Seriously. And when it came to physical affection it was not one of his love languages. Acts of service is his main language. Cuddling for him was always a precursor to sex. Always. Still, it's not why our marriage failed. And it really wasn't a factor either. Because I was already on a multi decade path to self love and self physical affection. I certainly taught myself to not need that from him.

    So cuddling with a stranger via a platform such as this would definitely be a total no for him. And like so many SOs he never acknowledged that need as a valid one for me even in the years that I sought it from him. Once I understood his love language I checked out. I checked into my inner being and found ways to give myself that when I needed it. Hence I ultimately over time with child birth and body changes discovered that my need for human touch was really not physical after all. It was emotional and spiritual. Something he could not give me. Something I resolved to create in myself over the next twenty years. And I did.

    And man am I ever grateful to myself for doing that. It's what is keeping me through this protracted separation. It's what keeps me balanced and comforted through the many many alone moments. Moments of solitude and loneliness that tests every resolve in my being. Yes indeed. Nothing has been more freeing and soothing perhaps even frustrating at times just knowing that I can wrap myself in my arms and caress my arms and back and reassure myself that life is good. No matter what I'm feeling. Life is good.

    No cuddle partner can do that. No connection no matter how meaningful can do that. No matter how well intentioned. Only I can do that for myself. That's on me.

    Yet not everyone has that resolve.

    Some people need that physical affection from others to get them through their journeys. And for people like me in that no man's land between being single and married the whole experience can be very painfully lonely.

    I'm living in that zone. I've been through it for years. So I'm coming from a place of having to rely on me and my inner being through it all. And it strengthens my resolve ever deeper to grow and self actualize. To sustain my happy space and create room for more and greater self love and self compassion. Especially in a time with social restrictions. Especially with personality traits such as mine that automatically discredit and disqualify me from the loop of ' normal' human interaction. It's much more critical for me to rely on and love myself deeper. Even as I continue to meet and accept people where they are as they are.

  • Thanks to those who contacted me when I poured my heart out on this thread. I'm actually doing a fair amount better then I was. I learned so much about myself over the past few days. It will take awhile to get back to "normal", but I think I will be a much better person when I get to the other side of this hurdle in my life. I've got a long way to go, but I think I now have a direction to follow.

  • It's so odd to know there are men who aren't getting affection they need. I've always been the more affectionate person in all my relationships. I once visited a boyfriend when he had to work in Florida. He had all these elaborate plans for sightseeing, but we never left the hotel room. He finally had to beg me to go out of the room for dinner at least.

    I've experienced men who stop being affectionate, which is usually a red flag they're getting it from someone else.

  • My husband seems to be understanding my need for affection more. Last night he held my hand for a half-hour walk around the neighborhood! I'm not sure he understands my wanting to get snuggly with others yet, but I'm hoping a good cuddle class/workshop/party might turn him around. Anyone know of any online ones?

  • @nurturingman I'm so glad to here that!

  • @DrDeb i definitely have not stopped being affectionate in my marriage. I was raised in a home where you were hugged, kissed and told I love you.
    My wife's family while not bad was nkt raised that way.
    So i have a CONSTANT craving to touch and be touched.
    So yes I have cuddle sessions with other people, but it's not because I was the one who stopped being affectionate.

    I hope that makes sense DrDeb.

    @quixotic_life ... sorry to hear about what you are going through. We had talked before about cuddling, but at that time you said you had to decline because of your SO. I'm sorry you are having a hard time rn. :anguished:

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