@OutdoorsGuy503 ~ Thank you. I've actually looked (a few times now) to try and message you again, but I'm blocked so I couldn't.
I hope all is going well for you and that maybe one day we can try a do-over.
My husband is divorcing me, so that intimacy/comfort I used to get from just snuggling up to him/cuddling is now gone and has been replaced with abuse. I have so many days when I am so close to losing my mind and could use a REAL hug.
@Malachite1976 I'm sorry to hear. That's a tough situation. I recently went through a divorce myself. No abuse involved, but divorce itself is hard.
I saw many examples of couples where the women were being neglected by their husbands growing up. I could never understand that & vowed that my wife would never want for naught. Never thought she’d be the one not seeking affection and even crazier of an idea for her to tell me I should seek it somewhere else. I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone.
Why do we hurt each other so much? It makes me so sad 🥺.
I'm pretty sure my SO wouldn't understand the whole cuddle thing, but then she doesn't have to. She left me about 7 years ago and lives 1300 miles away now, so she doesn't have any idea. I selected "married" in my profile, because that's true. "separated" would be more accurate, except it's not a selectable option.
I have very recently gone through a divorce that has made me feel good and healthy. Not only did I suffer emotional abuse but physical abuse as well in multiple ways...makes me want to cry writing about it... @nurturingman thankfully mentioned about a hug being ‘enough’ ... that is so true for me also, but I have never found a partner who could understand that... @nurturingman I think it is innate compassion that becomes the strength, for dinosaurs like me, remaining patient and trying our best is the strongest possible response.
@HUGGGGGG sorry you went through that bro. But the 1st & greatest step has already been taken & that is that it seems you realize you deserve better. And you do. Funny you say dinosaurs like you, but I think sites like this show that its not so uncommon. I just wish I would've discovered this sooner.
Many thanks @arghdaddy. Perhaps lonely dinosaur stepped in to a bar of dinosaurs as @quixotic_life put it
Reading all these posts does sort of help, knowing that others are having the same experience. Thanks all
I could say so much about this. I've developed so much empathy for people in this situation as a pro, and in retrospect realize that the loneliest I've ever been was in a consuming and restrictive romantic relationship. It was an emotional gulag. But I had to arrive at that conclusion after
reclaiming myself, holding space for many people, and allowing them to teach me. If someone told me back then I would be cuddling with unappreciated dad's and neglected husbands, and consider it a privilege, I would have been aghast.
I think what is important to realize, is that this situation is a confluence of toxic cultural norms, and not necessarily anyone's "fault". We're all humans, and we're all victims of the culture we're swimming in, and our own psychological prisons.
It's a recipe for loneliness and turning on one self.
Anyone who's going through this, you have my sympathy. I would like to suggest looking into the contemporary philosopher Allain De Botton, and his lectures on romanticism, particularly "how romanticism ruined love"
It's an eye opener, and delivered in a tender, comforting, and humorous way.
A big part of cuddle culture is consent, and that is something my spouse doesn't get. I try compromising for the sake of peace in our marriage, and more often than I would like I consent to touch that I don't want. When I tell him I don't feel good about this and I want to set boundaries and have them respected, he gets angry and doesn't want to talk about it.
@biancalovecraft you are the first pro I have ever communicated with and you have raised the bar so high for me, and continue to do so. To others who may not know this special woman; I have never spent in-person time with her. But if I ever were to, she’d be the one for me. Thank you Bianca for you tender compassion, understanding and sympathy for men who struggle with this issue. You are amazing , eloquent and beautiful beyond words. ((((HUG))))
@nurturingman I'd like to recommend looking up Betty Matin's Wheel of Consent video series (a pending cuddle buddy and I were talking about consent language, and he directed me to these) linked below. I think it might be a really good thing for a certain someone in your life to "accidentally" overhear you listening to.
Betty Martin | Wheel of Consent
Watch the "Intro" then scroll down to, "The Wheel of Consent and the 4 quadrants"
~ I really learned a lot from them and it might help your partner to better conceptualize the importance this can have for both of you in the relationship.
Thanks, @quixotic_life !
@nurturingman One thing I actually like about cuddling is learning what your partner likes and doesn't like. It also lets you practice communicating with your partner about what you yourself like and don't like. I think communication and learning about someone are very important in developing a connection with someone. So consent is definitely important.
I’m pretty sure that if my wife liked to cuddle I wouldn’t be on here. I’ve tried about everything for the last 17 years and decided it’s not worth trying to get something that she doesn’t want to give. This site had really helped me not resent my wife so much. Now my touch tank can get filled up and I can enjoy the other things in married life without feeling like I’m missing something.
@naturaldan1978 touch tank 😂😂 love it