Significant others who don't get it.

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Comments

  • @OutdoorsGuy503 ~ Thank you. I've actually looked (a few times now) to try and message you again, but I'm blocked so I couldn't.
    I hope all is going well for you and that maybe one day we can try a do-over.

  • My husband is divorcing me, so that intimacy/comfort I used to get from just snuggling up to him/cuddling is now gone and has been replaced with abuse. I have so many days when I am so close to losing my mind and could use a REAL hug.

  • @Malachite1976 I'm sorry to hear. That's a tough situation. I recently went through a divorce myself. No abuse involved, but divorce itself is hard.

  • [Deleted User]arghdaddy (deleted user)

    I saw many examples of couples where the women were being neglected by their husbands growing up. I could never understand that & vowed that my wife would never want for naught. Never thought she’d be the one not seeking affection and even crazier of an idea for her to tell me I should seek it somewhere else. I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone.

  • [Deleted User]Ennea2HugU (deleted user)

    Why do we hurt each other so much? It makes me so sad 🥺.

  • I'm pretty sure my SO wouldn't understand the whole cuddle thing, but then she doesn't have to. She left me about 7 years ago and lives 1300 miles away now, so she doesn't have any idea. I selected "married" in my profile, because that's true. "separated" would be more accurate, except it's not a selectable option.

  • I have very recently gone through a divorce that has made me feel good and healthy. Not only did I suffer emotional abuse but physical abuse as well in multiple ways...makes me want to cry writing about it... @nurturingman thankfully mentioned about a hug being ‘enough’ ... that is so true for me also, but I have never found a partner who could understand that... @nurturingman I think it is innate compassion that becomes the strength, for dinosaurs like me, remaining patient and trying our best is the strongest possible response.

  • [Deleted User]arghdaddy (deleted user)

    @HUGGGGGG sorry you went through that bro. But the 1st & greatest step has already been taken & that is that it seems you realize you deserve better. And you do. Funny you say dinosaurs like you, but I think sites like this show that its not so uncommon. I just wish I would've discovered this sooner.

  • Many thanks @arghdaddy. Perhaps lonely dinosaur stepped in to a bar of dinosaurs :D as @quixotic_life put it

  • [Deleted User]Duryea (deleted user)

    Reading all these posts does sort of help, knowing that others are having the same experience. Thanks all

  • I could say so much about this. I've developed so much empathy for people in this situation as a pro, and in retrospect realize that the loneliest I've ever been was in a consuming and restrictive romantic relationship. It was an emotional gulag. But I had to arrive at that conclusion after
    reclaiming myself, holding space for many people, and allowing them to teach me. If someone told me back then I would be cuddling with unappreciated dad's and neglected husbands, and consider it a privilege, I would have been aghast.

    I think what is important to realize, is that this situation is a confluence of toxic cultural norms, and not necessarily anyone's "fault". We're all humans, and we're all victims of the culture we're swimming in, and our own psychological prisons.
    It's a recipe for loneliness and turning on one self.
    Anyone who's going through this, you have my sympathy. I would like to suggest looking into the contemporary philosopher Allain De Botton, and his lectures on romanticism, particularly "how romanticism ruined love"
    It's an eye opener, and delivered in a tender, comforting, and humorous way.

  • A big part of cuddle culture is consent, and that is something my spouse doesn't get. I try compromising for the sake of peace in our marriage, and more often than I would like I consent to touch that I don't want. When I tell him I don't feel good about this and I want to set boundaries and have them respected, he gets angry and doesn't want to talk about it.

  • @biancalovecraft you are the first pro I have ever communicated with and you have raised the bar so high for me, and continue to do so. To others who may not know this special woman; I have never spent in-person time with her. But if I ever were to, she’d be the one for me. Thank you Bianca for you tender compassion, understanding and sympathy for men who struggle with this issue. You are amazing , eloquent and beautiful beyond words. ((((HUG))))

  • @nurturingman I'd like to recommend looking up Betty Matin's Wheel of Consent video series (a pending cuddle buddy and I were talking about consent language, and he directed me to these) linked below. I think it might be a really good thing for a certain someone in your life to "accidentally" overhear you listening to.

    Betty Martin | Wheel of Consent
    Watch the "Intro" then scroll down to, "The Wheel of Consent and the 4 quadrants"
    ~ I really learned a lot from them and it might help your partner to better conceptualize the importance this can have for both of you in the relationship.
    💗

  • edited November 2020

    @nurturingman One thing I actually like about cuddling is learning what your partner likes and doesn't like. It also lets you practice communicating with your partner about what you yourself like and don't like. I think communication and learning about someone are very important in developing a connection with someone. So consent is definitely important.

  • [Deleted User]naturaldan1978 (deleted user)

    I’m pretty sure that if my wife liked to cuddle I wouldn’t be on here. I’ve tried about everything for the last 17 years and decided it’s not worth trying to get something that she doesn’t want to give. This site had really helped me not resent my wife so much. Now my touch tank can get filled up and I can enjoy the other things in married life without feeling like I’m missing something.

  • @naturaldan1978 touch tank 😂😂 love it

  • My wife really does not get it. Like a lot of marriages, the physical affection part had fizzled away in ours.

    Lately, I started a conversation with her about the possibility of bringing cuddling and hugging back into our marriage. I knew she was tired of trying to accomodate my neediness with respect to physical affection, but I thought I had nothing to lose in asking.

    Her response was "The fact your mother never touched you growing up is not my problem". She said I should find someone else to hug (she sarcastically suggested I find a group of pot smokers, get high, laugh & giggle, join hands and sing kumbayah)... so I started looking for support groups, and discovered these cuddling websites.

    I set up an appointment with a cuddler, and I was prepared to let my wife know about it... I wanted to be honest and not sneaky. But when I brought up the subject, I didn't get very far. She didn't want to hear it.. she just said "do what you need to do".. so I didn't get approval or rejection, but at least I can say I tried to give her the details, and she was now aware of the appointment.

    The day before the appointment, my wife saw the message on my cell phone with the hotel and room # for the appointment, and flew into a rage (I had to leave the house when she started getting violent). We haven't spoken to each other since (that was a week ago), but she posted it on Facebook, so it seems I'm now hated by people I don't even know.

    She is crazy to think I'm supposed to be able to thrive without any kind of physical affection in my life, so now I'm just trying to figure out what my best options are from here.

  • @ lee_the_bowler
    Get a divorce. Therapy won't work.

  • @lee_the_bowler

    "do what you need to do". I don't know how long you've been married, but this is code. Not sure exactly how she feels but she's strongly in the "no" camp on this one.

    "The fact your mother never touched you growing up is not my problem". I don't know your relationship but a comment like this is extremely hurtful, manipulative, and abusive. If that's a direct quote you need to set some serious expectations moving forward, and communicate how that behavior isn't welcome. If this behavior is pervasive, I'm inclined to agree with @Libra0.

    She became violent, and aired your private information publicly to humiliate you. You are being abused. No two ways about it. You should seek help and distance.

    "She is crazy to think I'm supposed to be able to thrive without any kind of physical affection in my life". Yes. Yes, she is. Take care of yourself, seriously. You need some physical safety and emotional support right now.

  • I could never understand why anyone would stay in relationship or marriage without enough affection or cuddles. Whether for the kids or assets. Life is to short to not be least getting that. I rather be broke and happy. Then paid and miserable. Seem like you still be searching for things missing

  • edited July 2021

    @timetocuddle07 when that honeymoon stage is over / or couples lose that spark / or 2 people just kinda grow apart … it still doesn’t make it not worth it, I’m sure many relationships hit a wall at some point, that & also the fact that sometimes one person in a relationship is not much of a lovey dubby person or requires such affection like the other (even from the jump) …. Lucky are the very few relationships never miss a beat despite the years (& even decades)

    Edit: I agree with you though about, “I rather be broke and happy. Than paid and miserable.” If I was miserable in a relationship I wouldn’t be there, & that goes for any type of relationship- romantic/ friendship / family.

  • Update: I just found a book online called "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover... talks about how being the nice guy gets a person into situations like these, and what to do about it.. has anyone else seen this book? What do you think?

  • edited July 2021

    I can certainly emphasize with someone not getting their needs met in a relationship, but I dont agree that one should seek attention from others because of it. If you are in a monogamous relationship then regardless of whether there is sex , seeking affection and attention outside of your relationship without your SO knowledge is to many people a form of cheating. And if you are hiding these things , then you how they will feel if they find out about it . I'm not a big fan of monogamy ,but I dont like liars, so if you are not in an open relationship or open to SO seeking affection and attention from others , you owe it to yourselves to work on these issues internally.

  • edited July 2021

    I would add, that openness also goes for both the partner and the cuddlers. I'd feel so hurt to know that someone lied to me about his relationship status* or really anything significant like whether he smokes or not.

    I'd not want to be in a relationship where both our needs weren't being met. In some of the experiences I read here, I see people pressuring each other into being the way the other wants: the ones who want such affection outside of the relationship want the partner to accept it, even when that acceptance is forced. Or going so far as cheating, yes, it is cheating even if it isn't sex. For some people cuddling is quite intimate and the fact that one feels the need to hide it shows something isn't right. While their partners want them to stay even while not meeting the needs of their partners.

    Hence, both are trying to pressure the other and that's not healthy. In cases like that, it should either be worked through, if possible to fix the reasons your partner isn't able to fulfill your needs. Or leave each other to find someone who meets your needs.

    If you can't understand that and think "it's just cuddling, why are they hurt that I go to people's homes/anywhere and get all cozy with someone" then let's see if you'd feel the same if they said "it's just gigitty gigitty why you so hurt about me doing that with others?" That's just to to help you to* understand it. Though if you still say "I wouldn't care", you still need to be honest, because there are people who would care.

  • edited July 2021

    There are a few states in the US that will allow a spouse to initiate an “ alienation of affection “ lawsuit against the spouses paramour. Perhaps even if these such encounters are platonic in essence an unhappy husband or wives can make an enthusiast cuddler or a pro cuddlers life a little miserable . I can imagine this could occur with a repeat client of a pro cuddler , where the client developed attachment feelings to the pro cuddler . Then there could be suspicions of what exactly is he paying for

  • @cuddlerforu24 no way,! Is this really a law? …. Imagine going to your spouse or significant other & telling them “I will sue you if you don’t show me affection”!! … unless that was a law written in
    The 17/1800’s, what ever happened to breaking up / getting seperated / divorcing ect

  • No , I would say if the husband starts to ignore her , and she finds out he’s spending time with someone else , there it is .

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)
    edited July 2021

    Firstly, I am sorry for those of you with partners that don’t hear you or respect your needs. Communication about needs is tough and takes time and work. And not everyone will be onboard.

    I believe in western society we are hungry for meaningful community connection and one spouse or life partner cannot provide the myriad of socially appropriate touching we need. Sadly changing society is a huge task, but cuddling can fill many of those needs. I have a wonderful husband who enjoys some cuddling, but as @JasonCuddles said, no one person can meet all of our needs. And in my case my partner understands I have high social, emotional and physical connective needs that he is unable to fill completely. That need to feel part of something larger than ourselves…to be part of a hive…it’s something we all have to varying degrees.

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