Women cuddlers, what makes you feel safe?

cricket26

Hello everyone! First time poster here, so please forgive any oddness/breaches in forum etiquette

So I’ve been on the site for years ((lurking)), in between relationships. I finally had my first cuddle the other day and it was fantastic! Gave me so much hope for future wonderful cuddles.

But since then, i’m finding myself too anxious to pull the trigger on meeting anyone else. I don’t feel safe. Seems like most guys I talk to give off bad vibes. And the female cuddler I was interested in, actually closed her account before we met because she was assaulted by a male cuddler.

So, women of CuddleComfort, what makes you feel safe to meet with someone? Is this just part of the cuddle process, learning to feel comfortable with strangers? Was there an initial fearful period or did it come naturally to you? Any advice is welcome!

sweetsnugglesaz

Hi love! First of all, welcome to the forums and so happy to hear you had your first cuddle. It’s the best!!!

I personally pay attention to undercurrents of a conversation before a session as the telling factor on how comfortable I can feel with this person. I.e. if I keep getting called nicknames when I’ve literally never seen or met said person before, I am automatically assuming I could be dealing with someone who will cross boundaries during a session or after, so I am less comfortable and more on guard. I hate to be on guard with anyone but it is what it is.

I am an open cuddler though so I keep my mind open to a new experience each time. I am meeting strangers really, but I assume the best of everyone unless I am proven otherwise. Over time I feel I have been able to pick up on subtle things that could signal just general incompatibility as well. It comes with experience, as I’m sure much more experienced cuddlers will say after me 😄

littermate

When I first signed up I was pretty skittish. I didn't realize I could take my time, screen, etc. I was fortunate in that my first cuddle experience was divine and that gave me confidence. He also watched out for me on here for a while, before he left the site for a relationship, which made me feel less alone.

Here are a few things I do to ensure safety:

1) I trust my gut. If it feels funky, it's not worth proceeding. Even if it feels a tad funky and I can't figure out how to put it into words. For me, if I'm going to hold someone close, I want to feel 100% trust that it's going to be a positive experience. So I err on the side of totally letting myself follow my whims.
2) I chat someone up for a while. If someone doesn't want to relate with me some before cuddling, then they aren't my sort, and I bless them on their way. I can tell a lot from how someone expresses themselves.
3) Any sign that they are gaslighting me, pushing me, ignoring boundaries I set, not listening or retaining info I give them that matters, I'm done.
4) Any sign of anything sexualized or hubba hubba, I'm done.
5) Once I've chatted them up, then I'm open to having tea with them in a public place to do the in-person-grok. I can tell even more from in-person. Again, if anything feels funny, I don't let my head override it. I just trust it and that's it. Done. But I have to have a pretty good idea before I meet someone in person that I already jive with them.

Once I met each of the three men for tea, I had a sense that I could trust them. And it bore out. All three were up for relating quite a bit - getting to know me, and me them. I'm in this for the platonic relating as much as the cuddling and I know many aren't, and that's cool. Whatever floats your boat. I like being friends with my cuddle pals.

I felt super awkward two out of the three times. That wore off as we learned how to relate to each other. I imagine if I cuddle a lot more with various people, it will get less and less awkward as I get my legs under me, so to speak. But with all three, I could talk about how awkward I felt. So I actually need men with relational skills who can yuck it up with me and share how it's going on the way, both of us.

So my advice - trust yourself. Trust yourself more than feels reasonable, polite or socially acceptable. Learn 100 ways to say no thank you, but do say no thank you. I find that a lot of the trouble we get in as women is feeling like we have to be "nice" and in service to that, ignore information we're picking up or go along with things that really aren't in our best interest. Learning to set boundaries and setting them, even if that means just going away without any words at first, I think is vital in keeping yourself safe. Having a zero tolerance policy around the hubba hubba stuff or any handsy-ness. We are the minority on here and can afford to, and deserve to, have it work for us no matter what any fellow may say to the contrary.

BoomerSpooner

A shotgun or a well placed pair of pliers.

quixotic_life

Yay! @littermate ~ Exactly right & well put!
Ditto, ditto, ditto & same, same, same!

The only difference, is with the men I've met up with, I felt safe enough to give my number after messaging a bit. Then felt safe to meet/cuddle after talking on the phone. I haven't felt I needed the cafe meet first - but I think it's a really good option if only at 99%. You just get a kind of "feeling" or "read on people", and if there's any hesitation, at all, at any point - bail/postpone until you're ready! Could be something about the guy or could be the universe keeping you out of a car accident later. Whatever the reason ~ be 100% sure and listen to your instinct's.

bekah_cuddles

For me, the first few messages back and forth tell me a lot. I list my expectations and boundaries clearly on my profile. For example, I state that I prefer to keep communication with new cuddlers on the site for safety purposes, so if they try to push their phone number on me before we've had a session, I know that they either didn't care enough to read my profile or they're trying to push a boundary - both red flags.

Staying firm to that specific boundary actually ended up saving me from a dangerous person, and I'd like to share my experience with him. This man gave me his phone number and insisted that I call him an hour before our session. When I refused, he blocked me. I reached out to wish him well, and this was the exchange:

Me: "I'm sorry tonight didn't work out and you felt the need to block me. I prefer to keep communication on the site for safety purposes, and for the fact that people have tried to violate the rules via private message. I wish you the happiest of holidays."

Him: "You could have given me the benefit of the doubt and spoken to me like I asked to just finalize plans. It was disrespectful and foolish. What person is going to just have someone come to their house without even hearing their voice? That's crazy"

Me: "I have finalized several cuddle sessions with people on the site. I believe it is the safest way, and I have found myself in dangerous situations from giving people I do not know the benefit of the doubt in the past. I offer professional platonic services through a professional site. Too much off-site communication has led to people trying to cross boundaries. I am sorry that makes you uncomfortable, and I wish you the best in your search for cuddles."

Him: "That's you putting your bad experiences and judgements about people on me. That's unfair. Why dont you grow up and act professional, then maybe people will treat you like one."

Me: "No. This is me learning from past experiences and creating boundaries to protect myself. The fact that you do not respect boundaries makes me believe that you are a dangerous person, and I do not appreciate your hostility."

Him: "Everyone else I have ever cuddles never had an issue with a brief phone call first. Not one. So you obviously are a scammer of some kind. And how idiotic, instead of calling me like I said, you text me this son story about all the bad experiences you had. Like I care or it's my problem. You are a retard and I will be sure to let everyone in the community know so you get blacklisted. You obviously are a prostitute. You harass me with complaint texts crying about me cancelling? Who is the dangerous psycho? You are lol. Learn how to handle rejection"

He was banned from this site, but 9 months later, he tried to book a 4-hour session with me through a different cuddle site. I didn't recognize him at first and I was skeptical of the idea of someone booking 4 hours for a first session almost immediately. He claimed he didn't feel comfortable posting his address on the site and wanted to text it to me instead, which I also found suspicious. When he gave me his number, I recognized it was the same. When I called him on it, he insisted he had never talked to me before in his life.

I told him to cancel the booking and he said, "They already took my money so you are gonna have to come I guess. If I just texted my address here you would have come and it would have been fine."

I contacted customer service to refund him and then suggested they ban him. He knew exactly who I was and I fear what would have happened in those four hours if I had followed through with the session.

What I hope people learn from my story is to always trust your gut and always stay firm to your boundaries. Always have a buddy call and share your location with a trusted friend when meeting new cuddlers.

You’re always taking a leap if the guy has no karma, but I think you should be able to trust the guys with good karma ratings.

HoneyB94

Wow ! That’s crazy ! I am so glad you listened to your gut ! Personally it took a lot for me to start doing this , because I was scared because you hear about crazy stories all the time on the news of girls getting killed or raped , and because I can’t host I go to there place a lot which makes it even more scary , so for me I like to talk on the phone with them get a feel , but I will say that someone I I gave my number too which sucks because I only gave it to a few , keeps texting me weird things on different text app numbers . But I will also meet them in Public first too get a feel , and I’m trying to look for Mase but it’s hard to find right now . And I ALWAYS send in a group chat to my family were I’m going , and a picture and the name of the person and how long it is supposed to be , and I always make sure I answer them in front of the guy I’m cuddling and tell him that they are expecting me to call them as soon as I’m done .

HoneyB94

And even with all that , it still gets kind of sketchy believe me I’ve had some amazing cuddles and I wish I could just see those clients, but I’ve had some horrible experiences on here as well .

Mike403

@bekah_cuddles - Get a disposable number (Google Voice) then you can call them without them knowing your real number.

bekah_cuddles

@Mike403 I have one, but that's not the point. It's not them having my number that's the problem, it's that once communication is taken off the site, they often try to abuse and push boundaries. If it's kept on the site, there's proof. I don't have to send the site screenshots or anything if they harass me. And with a phone call, there's even less proof.

Also, for me, a phone call takes time out of my day and time is money. As a pro, if people want to "chat" with me, they can book a phone session. I don't personally feel the need to "chat" much with a client before the session other than to discuss logistics. Once our session has started, then we can chat about anything. In my opinion, it keeps things professional and prevents unrealistic expectations.

Mike403

@bekah_cuddles - This is just my opinion, but if they happen to be a boundary pusher, I'd rather know ahead of time via a phone call so I can get out of there rather than waiting until I'm with him in person.

@bekah_cuddles
I think you did all the right things in the case you described. Once someone starts making demands and accusations it is time to move on. Some guys believe that because they are paying for a service they have the right to make demands. My guess is that guy was looking for more than a platonic cuddle anyway. And communicating offsite prior to the first cuddle session? No.

Cuddlestogo64

I chat with them first on this site. Then I asked to meet in person for coffee, so I can get to know them. If they do not want to meet in person, then I am done. Also if they have Karma, that helps also. I trust my intuition. Some of the people do not want to meet for coffee, so I will not be cuddling with them. If I asked for a picture, and they say no, for whatever reason, I will not meet up with them. I do not know who I am meeting up with. If I am going to be cuddling with someone up close, I want to be able to relax and have a good good experience.

sillysassy

OMGOSH @whitehurst58 you are so spot on. SPOT ON!!!! Listen to this lady girls..... She has been here for a minute! Talk about one of the original CC! Learning to trust your instinct (if you haven't ever done that before) is challenging sometimes. I also believe that there is a crew of ladies on here that will help you spot things that may seem odd or a little shady. To add to @whitehurst58 I never even promise a cuddle upon meeting. If it doesn't feel right when we get together in person I get to say "thank you for coffee" and continue to trust my instinct.

**Is this just part of the cuddle process, learning to feel comfortable with strangers? ** No. I think by the time I've messaged on here a bit they feel less like strangers so I trust that process. I still feel a little anxious sometimes which is why I always choose a public place first. Take all the input from the forums and the necessary precautions for meeting internet strangers.

There are a TON of lovely guys on here and anyone of any gender that doesn't respect your requests can move on. Thank you.... Next. WE all have different needs and comfort levels. You have to do what's right in your heart.

@Mmart good advice from ANY perspective.... Pro or enthusiast!

@FunCartel hahahhahahaha A shotgun..... or well placed pair of pliers hahahhaha You make me giggle!!!! 🤣

I am a person that is generally comfortable around strangers but as a new pro I’m being more proactive in my safety measures. For me I always feel more comfortable hosting as I get to be in charge of my surroundings and also do not host at my home. Additionally a taser/mace that (you are proficient with) discreetly available to you will give you peace of mind.
I don’t meet in public beforehand but I do echo everyone who said trust your gut! Take as much as you want beforehand, there is absolutely no rush and you aren’t obligated to talk to/meet/ cuddle anyone you don’t genuinely want to.

Designergirl

For myself feeling safe I read everything the requester posts, finding it the most efficient way to sort the wheat from the chaff.
@bekah_cuddles That man was intimidated by you (youth, beauty, discernment) Please don't forget that when a keyboard warrior man starts insulting ---that is the reason. IRL outside of CC in a social setting he wouldn't even be able to say hello to you.

@Designergirl I am known to be hypersensitive to verbal abuse. I’ve been reading VerbalAbuse.com since 2011. The owner/author of the site defines verbal abuse quite broadly. I support and even defend her definition.

@bekah_cuddles Sorry to hear that dude treated you so bad both here and elsewhere 😐 Reading your posted dialogue with him, he’s clearly verbally abusive and not worth meeting in person!

@Mike403 Being the victim of a Social Security scam earlier this year inspired me to Google “burner phone”. I found a disposable phone number service actually called Burner. I spent like two hours reading their website and blog about to whom not to give one’s real phone number. It’s a very informative read. Their service would be the first one I’d recommend. Blocking unwanted contacts on Google Voice is also super-easy & simple.

littermate

@whitehurst58 So great to see you on here! You sound like a veteran now. I'm super enjoying hearing from all of you wise women.

Mike403

@bekah_cuddles - I just read the entirety of the exchange with him... Now I'm going with what @FunCartel suggested. Bring a shotgun to every cuddle. Just wow.. Calling you a retard and prostitute for not calling him? I get why some guys would like to hear your voice first, but if you're not comfortable with that, they should understand or move on. I'm sorry you had to deal with a psycho.

littermate

So many psychos, so little time.

FlyingToaster

@bekah_cuddles I'm sorry to hear you were treated that way. He wasn't respecting you at all, and as you said, he seems hostile. He's definitely someone I'd stay away from.

cricket26

Thank you all so much!! Seeing a lot of wisdom and women supporting women in here, and I love it! Looking forward to getting to know all of you in this great community.

@littermate you are exactly right, we're conditioned as women to be "nice" and it makes it hard to get out of a chat with someone, even if I don't feel a connection with them.

@bekah_cuddles I am so sorry that happened to you, but happy to hear you were able to avoid him later on. That's terrifying.

@quixotic_life Thank you for the validation. I guess I was concerned my gut instinct might be off or hypersensitive? But you and all the other ladies here seem to have the same advice: trust my gut!

And yes, I am taking precautions like @HoneyB94 suggested: only meeting in public, chatting for a long time first, and some more intense self-protection measures a la @FunCartel

@whitehurst58 @APV @Designergirl @Allerdale @simone825 @sillysassy Thank you for your responses, it helps to know I'm not the only woman trying to have good cuddles but still be safe!

littermate

When we've been told everything from you're too sensitive, to it's your imagination, to don't be judgmental to give a guy a chance to you're crazy, trusting our intuition is a radical act and IMO, a necessary ingredient of maturity. Carl Jung said as much -- that the defining moment of maturing for a woman is when she trusts what she feels/senses in the face of contrary male authority.

Goodbye Dad and man as boss and arbiter of reality. Hello sovereignty.

pmvines

I am not a woman. One thing I think that more men could and should do to help a woman to feel more safe is not arguing or criticizing her when she says she needs certain things in order to feel safe . Just because you might feel you are different than the rest and would never do Xyz doesnt mean that there is not a valid reason for concern about Xyz. It helps to check your ego and listen

hugonehugall

I know one thing that a lot of women do is have a safety check in who they communicate with before and after the session. I’m assuming they tell this person the time and location of the session and presumably how long it’s supposed to last.

Mike403

@pmvines - For some reason, guys think that calling women a nasty name is gonna make them want to jump into their arms. I don't understand it.

pmvines

@Mike403 it is the mentality of well I wouldn't do that so you should treat me different even though you dont know me from a bar of soap .

Sheena123

Did you just call me a whore?!?? Come here and give me a hug!! 😒🙄

Mike403

@Sheena123 - lol. Typical "nice guy" behavior. They act sweet until rejected then their true colors come out.

hugonehugall

@Sheena123 I called you a Beatles fan now book me !!! 😛