I don’t know how to ask the female cuddle enthusiasts for an appointment. They get upset when I phrase it this way. Help!
Interesting discussion. I suspect there are several things to try, and a few things that would work well. But some of them might require software development to facilitate.
Verification: dating sites have some solutions to draw from. And none of them need be requirements, but as an enthusiast your cred is going to go up for each of these verifications people participate with. An email verification (I don't recall but prob already in place). A text verification - type into a web page a code that was texted. A FB verification (does my pictures match, do I have FB friends and a history on FB, etc). Just a picture alone is going to up a person's credibility.
But no one has to participate in a verification process. But, there's a cost. Same cost as there is now which is that people are NOT sure about that person without a pic, or without a description, etc.
We have Karma now, but whoever fills out something is known - it shows their name. Which is fine if that's what both parties want. And pros might not have a problem - might prefer it that way. Enthusiasts may prefer a different way to leave or get feedback.
What if cuddle bookings could result in a cuddle counter with a plus or a minus. That could be a reasonable rating. If I got 5 pluses, and 1 minus would future people hate me? Might slow somebody down and want to ask me why, or want to email with me a few times to see what's going on with me. But if I had 25 pluses and 1 minus is anyone going to care much? That gets chalked up as someone who somehow just didn't give the other person a chance. Stuff happens, and it's not necessarily a problem.
Now, imagine a person's history with ratings? Enthusiasts could have that to bolster their confidence in each other. Specifically women could more easily trust men without putting us through a month of "getting to know you" emails. And if you're here to be a positive part of this community then who doesn't want some reasonable aspect of their history to be known. But, I get it, some won't. So give us a check box in settings to not show our ratings. In which case moderators would still have access to our ratings to help settle misunderstandings, or expose repeat offensive people (if minuses exceed pluses that person is probably a problem).
And the search filter when viewing cuddlers can be set to only show people with 3 pluses or 5 or more pluses, etc.
It's all an experiment in the social fabric of this community. Building trust & Breaking down barriers.
Just my two cents for whatever it's worth.
And I should add that I'd want to be cautious about unintended consequences. Specifically building up barriers between people. Inclusiveness and availability is key if you're going to create a meeting place like this.
@ChibiShema: Hmm. Well, I can't speak for the women, but if anybody on here asked me for an appointment I'd find myself wondering what services I was inadvertently advertising.
Terrible thing, I'm sure, but I'm actually here for me, not to give anything to anybody else (their enjoyment is a nice bonus, not the goal).
Maybe instead of an appointment you could try asking them what they want out of a cuddle so you can figure out whether you'd be good at giving it? I'd like that. And at least you're not talking like they're a pro. Could be worth a shot.
@DarrenWalker I like that approach. Thank you again.
@ChibiShema: Sure thing! Hope it works for you.
@ChibiShema the difficulty is not so much in the word as in the attitude it represents. Enthusiast cuddling is particularly about giving: what can you give the other person, and is this a person that you want to give something personal too? If you both do that, everybody will get what they need.
In other words, stop thinking 'I wonder if I can persuade this person to give me an appointment' and start thinking 'I wonder if I can make this person's life just a tiny little bit better'.
Start with general getting to know you conversation, like you would when meeting anybody. Then move on to talking about cuddling in general. Once you are at an appropriate level, bring in the subject of meeting for the first time, which may or may not contemplate cuddling.
This process can take anything from two or three messages to six months. Remember that some people are here to help their recovery from difficult touch issues.
@StLJim
Inclusiveness and availability is key if you're going to create a meeting place like this.
I quite agree.
Regarding your thoughts on a 'cuddle counter', do I understand correctly that you are proposing an anonymous rating system?
As for verification, IIRC we do have email verification, and connecting with facebook appears to be an option. Professionals give their credit card details. There are some thoughts on this in the GREEN PAPER thread.
@introvme The reason there is a minimum is because the site takes 15% from the pros.
I don’t like that she uses the word “take” here. She chooses to use this site for marketing to gain clients. This is a service for her and she owes them a fee. It’s like me saying that the restaurant took my $20 after they fed me.
@ChibiShema no, no, no, that's a perfectly normal way of speaking. I do a lot of work through an agency and everybody talks about the agency 'taking' their cut. Come on man, there's no need for comments like that. Particularly in a thread in which you are asking for help! When the poster is helping somebody!
Reply to me on PM if you want, no need to take the thread off topic.
I would probably try making it so men cannot start a conversation with non-pro women. Of course once you get a message from someone you can write as normal.
@JasonCuddles that's enticingly radical! You mean like the dating app Bumble?
@JasonCuddles That is indeed an interesting idea.
One potential problem: Many men prefer not to have a public photo, and just send one with their initial message. That might be an obstacle if women must be the initiators.
Maybe? I've never seen/heard of bumble.
Yes perhaps that would be an issue cuddlemelater. But you can mention photo available upon request or something similar. But you're right. Maybe there is a creative solution.
As someone who has used bumble, that is a terrible change to make.
Oh okay. I just thought lots of women were chased away by the massive pile of messages they got is all.
@BotWithFeelings Can you elaborate? Why is it terrible? I'm aware of Bumble but have barely ever actually used it.
I will say on this topic, I think as dating apps progress they've actually gotten worse for men, despite trying to make things better.
For instance, think of online dating before Tinder: It was frustrating for men, because men have to compose unique and interesting opening messages, only for the vast majority of those messages to be ignored by women. It seemed like Tinder would solve that problem: no messages can be sent until you've both swiped on each other, so when you go to send that opening message to a woman you know she at least has some basic level of interest in you. And yet in practice Tinder seems to be much worse for men than older dating sites/apps. Women are flooded with more attention from men than ever, and so they get even more choosy. Dating forums are filled with complaints by men who basically can't get any matches at all.
In summary, dating apps, which are big tech companies with a lot of smart people and a lot of money, have been trying to fix problems fairly similar to the problems we encounter on this site, and they have completely failed.
That's one reason why I'm a little skeptical of some proposed changes. Things that seem like good ideas can have unintended consequences.
I want JasonCuddles idea. And I want all people of this site to feel the need to market themselves— photos, proper profile, and verification. And please— charge us a fee if need be. That’s what I want.
@CuddleMeLater that is a soapbox i don't feel like standing on.
@ChibiShema why? With all that effort you might as well get on a dating site
@BotWithFeelings becuase I am on the asexual spectrum.
Edit: I like kissing and cuddling fully clothed. I can appreciate some types of massage and I like to have my hair/scalp touched. I don’t want to be nude. I don’t want to have sex. I hate penetration. Does that help you?
@JasonCuddles I've used Bumble. In principle it is very similar to Tinder. The significant difference is that only women (I only know about the heterosexual part) can send the first message.
I'm very cautious about comparisons between cuddling and dating, as regular readers will know. But on a technical level there are similarities.
@CuddleMeLater
I absolutely agree. On some level I'm skeptical of all proposals. Including my own.
Many men prefer not to have a public photo,
Yes. Have we ever truly got to the bottom of why that is?
@BotWithFeelings
With all that effort you might as well get on a dating site
That's an interesting remark. Why should a cuddling site require less effort than a dating site?
And why do you think that switching to a female-first-message model would be a terrible idea?
@ChibiShema ok that helps me understand your position. However, that would definitely hurt my and many others experience on this site.
I would love to switch to a female first messaging system. Or even a matching system like used on some of the dating sites. This is not a comparison to dating, this is a comparison to the way the applications work. I know a lot of women who are willing to make the first contact. Women want to be empowered. Women are sick of being harassed.
I could deal with that switch but then,I rarely send a first message anyways (and it working out when I do is even rarer lol) As long as the forums are still a thing (and hell it might give them a much needed injection of new chat partners) so some kind of communication is possible I don't see it having as big of a negative impact as it does on dating apps.
@CuddleDuncan
Yes. Have we ever truly got to the bottom of why that is? [why men don't use photos]
I believe my work or social acquaintances would find it slightly odd if they knew I was on a cuddle site. However I can guarantee you they would find it outright bizarre if they knew I paid for cuddles - that is well outside most people's regular experience, and would be seen as pathetic by many. Thus I want to stay anonymous. I always assumed many other men felt the same.
So why do most of the women to post photos (generally speaking)? They have the same work and social acquaintances that we have. They are just human like us.
I’d love it if some women could reply to this.
That's a valid point, a lot of men value their "rep" above almost all else.
Some are simply in position's in their careers or fields where the stigma could damage their livelihoods.
Either way I can understand the reluctance to put photos in the open.
@CuddleDuncan @ChibiShema The female-first messaging system has two problems. The first is that it make women even more selective (because they now how to make more effort) and the second is that it makes getting a message less likely (because traditionally women don't make the first move). I would make the problem you're trying to solve worse.
I kinda don't understand the reverse. Why should I place the same effort into to getting a non-committal, non-romantic, purely non-sexual cuddle as I would for getting a more meaningful cuddle with all of the other benefits attached to it for less or even equal effort? If the level is supposed to be that of friendship, why would I put in relationship-like effort. That defeats the purpose of being here. I think that the ideals the site advertises are great. A place to just get physical affection without the hardships of finding and maintaining a romantic relationship. I feel like you should be able to come here if you feel lonely and down on your luck.
@ChibiShema you can definitely say that you're asexual in your bio on dating sites. I have seen profiles that mention it.
EDIT: Also @ChibiShema not all women have pics. I met a person that didn't.
I completely disagree with everything you just wrote:
Women are human just like us. Let’s reverse the norm of men messaging first so that we can try to balance things out a little bit. In time we won’t even need this anymore. We will just communicate as humans if we can change the cultural expectations.
Friendship should be the foundation for all romantic relationships. If you can’t figure out how to keep and maintain friends, then you have no business dating.
Discrimination towards the asexual population of is real. It is especially real against asexual men.