How to handle accidental arousal at the first sight ?

[Deleted User]Unknown (deleted user)
in General

Hi everyone.

As a newcomer, and still unexperienced, despite not being here by accident (I'm seriously looking for cuddling ; if I want pure sex, I already know the right places where to go) and thoroughly reading the rules & ethics (and abiding them) and the forum's topics dealing with accidental arousal, I've still a few questions in order to stay compliant at all times and avoid even unintentional failures which could be unpleasant to others.

In principle, when trying to meet cuddle buddies, if my mood becomes sexual during a few days, I would choose to postpone the appointments. And I would choose people I feel not / not too much sexually attracted by : for me, sexual and emotional attractiveness rely on separate and sometimes opposite criteria, so that most of the people I'd like to cuddle with are not the same as the ones I'd like to have sex with. In other terms, only few people gather both.

But I wonder about how to handle the worst case of meeting (for the first time, in real life) a person I suddenly unexpectedly feel sexually attracted by : even if I would immediately "press the emergency stop button" = telling him that I rather should do nothing at all with him, and politely taking my leave of him, wouldn't I, despite that, get a bad reputation, be subject of a bad behavior complaint ?

Thanks in advance for your advices.

Comments

  • [Deleted User]MichaelFJudd (deleted user)

    I wouldn't worry about it. It's a natural response to someone being in physical contact with another.

    I was cuddling with a really cute girl (a professional_ when I was using this service. I'm straight. I know this is TMI, but even though I had an erection, the thought of sex never actually crossed my mind. Additionally, she didn't seem too put-off by it. I'm not sure if she even really noticed.

    So, basically, I wasn't necessarily "sexually aroused", but if you start to feel that way, just let that thought flow through you, but don't act on it.

  • [Deleted User]Vickie (deleted user)

    This has happened to me. I have had some clients just grab me and hold me (which I'm totally fine with), and all of the sudden I feel something! lol. We talk through it and we gather our thoughts and we refocus. That's all one can really do.
    You will be fine. Happy Cuddling!

  • [Deleted User]AntoineD (deleted user)
    edited October 2017

    A body's natural reaction.
    Shaming oneself or feeling guilt, sad or angry on the matter only reinforces the situation.
    What you resist, persists.
    Letting emotions flow, and perhaps telling how you feel, while asking the other how s.he feels about it might build up trust.
    I mean : being vulnerable is really touching and moving to anyone really sensitive.
    Showing that is what makes us alive, expressing creatively and spontaneuously whatever comes up, rather than repressing.
    Rather than to qualify "arousal" as an "accident", I'd offer to consider arousal as a lack of competence in a discipline I sometimes am too far from being quite ease with : that of self-love.
    If you simple are turned on, well, that can be seen as moving by the other person, who might be somewhat amused.
    Isn't it moving to see someone falling for you ?
    What really matters to me, in such circumstances is to be able to smile and accept as part of life and to be able to say "well, I am really embarassed/ashamed and regret if you don't see yourself as respected or something, I am simply turned on and would like to keep on cuddling but for you to know that I want this to be taken into consideration, for us both to keep on being comfortable around cuddling."
    No one's a roboter, and that wouldn't offer nearly as much peace, happiness, warmth and meaning to cuddling if we were.
    Maybe the challenge is a bit too high for the actual skill level, so I would try another position or something and maybe ask for the other person's views on the matter.
    Maybe s.he is more comfortable with the situation than you are, in which case s.he can tell you what they would do in this situation, which can be allowing for even more trust.

  • [Deleted User]AntoineD (deleted user)
    edited October 2017

    https://armidarhea.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/optimal-experience.jpg

    On this picture, there is some views on "arousal" that might be of some support.

    If "flow" is the state one aims for, according to Mihály Csikszentmihalyi who came up with this picture, arousal is a state of high challenge with some skills, but not enough.

  • [Deleted User]OzVisitor (deleted user)
    edited October 2017

    That picture is talking about mental states! For example, if the challenge is low and your skill is low, then you don't really care about it. If the challenge is high and your skill is low you experience anxiety. The 'arousal' to which it refers is mental arousal!

    As to some of the comments on this thread, OMG, what is wrong with some people's self control? What is it with the 99% of men ruining it for the rest of us??

  • [Deleted User]AntoineD (deleted user)

    I know what it refers to, thank you very much.
    I know I am referring to mental arousal, but I believe it to be linked - too much challenge for too little skills, to what one goes through physically as well.

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    What people forget is that you ultimately have the control -- some cuddlers probably don't understand how anatomy works but there's always ways around the body's natural reaction. Most of my folks always manage to ignore it; otherwise, we would try another activity or if so inclined to keep cuddling, i would hug them in a different position.

  • ThierryC2017ThierryC2017

    (I was the creator of this topic but the link got broken, following a repair on my account)
    @AntoineD : Instructive chart : I didn't know it !
    @AntoineD, @stellarossass : I'm aware of the right ways of how to react you suggest, and about the positions which would be fine or "dangerous" for me.
    In fact, the only thing I felt concerned with is the case of unexpected and irreversible/definitive feeling of sexual attraction : in this case I would have to stay away and to tell the person that something went wrong in my mind. But wouldn't I be still subject to being reported as a misbehaving user ?

  • [Deleted User]AntoineD (deleted user)
    edited October 2017

    I don't get how "staying away" would be something worth reporting in any case ?

  • BrandiBrandi

    Ignore it. Usually, If it gets brought up, i get uncomfortable and it leads to awkward silences on both sides. Not because I dont understand how the body works but because Im their to cuddle and have a good time with platonic company..

    It typically only happens when spooning, or if im on top. Ive gotten around it by simply not pressing my rump or crotch against theirs while cuddling. If we face eachother, it may also be more apparent so I slightly pivot myself outward and have my legs tangled with theirs and my chest against their chest so it give them room to breath lol.
    It may be natural, however its not okay (to me) to bring it up over and over, or to point it out constantly no matter ehat your intentions are, please dont message pros asking a million "what if" questions about your boner or what to do with it and then ask what we wear and etc. It comes off really bad..
    It is a natural thing, but its also very important to be considerate of the pros and being sure they are comfortable, and its a very easy fix by changing positions. :)

  • ThierryC2017ThierryC2017

    I apologize if making the subject appear again and again (here by "dissecting" it too much) made you feel uncomfortable.
    My question was perhaps in a personal will to anticipate all possible cases in order to secure everything (as having Asperger's, a way to try to protect oneself against getting into troubles in all-day life).
    I'll also tell nothing more, except that I'm aware, for myself (with my own sensitivity), of how to avoid or fix the vast majority of problematic situations.

  • MailleweaverMailleweaver
    edited October 2017

    Doing what is right always comes with the possibility of negative consequences. Doing anything, really, comes with the possibility of negative consequences. The best you can do is to do what you believe is right and accept the repercussions. Just be sure to explain the reasons behind your actions so there's no misunderstanding. Communication is always important no matter what is happening. The more clearly you communicate, the less likely are those negative possibilities to become reality.

    If you feel too much attraction towards someone to be able to comfortably or safely cuddle with them, then don't cuddle. Tell them that you have to decline cuddling for the benefit of protecting both of you because your attraction to them is too great. Most people will appreciate your honesty and concern.

    This is exactly the flip-side of the situation that @Lareese53 asked about in her post. She was left a bit befuddled by lack of communication but was not judgemental of her cuddle partner's choice to stop cuddling due to his arousal. And again, the way to resolve it was further communication between them to simply clarify reasons and intentions.

    Don't worry about judgement. Just do the right thing.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited October 2017

    @ThierryC2017, I agree with @Brandi in that, as an adult, if you are feeling the need to dissect questions about basic anatomy, then perhaps you might be seeking a reason to talk about your erections. Is it something that honestly enlists so much time and attention?

  • MailleweaverMailleweaver
    edited October 2017

    He was asking about how others might react to him cancelling appointments because of strong attraction, not arousal. He has not put any emphasis on arousal or anatomy; he's not talking about erections. He's a non-native English speaker trying to communicate with a bunch of people who assume everyone is fluent in English, and he wants to be sure he's understood when people keep misunderstanding him. Sexual attraction was only mentioned to indicate that the reason for cancellation was a good reason, and the main concern was that he would be getting a bad reputation for doing something good.

  • pmvinespmvines

    The what if I get excited thing has been discussed in multiple threads. My point is does it really need to be so disseminated? If you are an adult and have sense, it shouldn't be something that requires so much attention. I think a good deal of the time people are wanting to gauge reactions to see how much push back there will be.

  • MailleweaverMailleweaver
    edited October 2017

    He is obviously not trying to find out how far he can push boundaries, though. It was everyone else that automatically latched on to the mention of attraction and assumed that was the main focus of the thread. It is not. It is only background information to frame the real question, which was (and I'll paraphrase for clarity): "Is it okay to cancel an appointment for a very good reason, or will someone give me bad karma for it?"
    He does not give any indication of pushing boundaries even the slightest bit. By cancelling cuddling before it ever even begins, he is the one wanting to avoid situations where boundaries would be challenged; that's the whole reason the question was posed in the first place.

  • pmvinespmvines

    There are actually several threads in this forum whose entire premise is to talk about erections. I can understand why some of the women grow weary of it. We don't really need paragraph upon paragraph about our penises and acceptance of it being a natural response to yada yada yada. We aren't 12.

  • MailleweaverMailleweaver

    I understand that. That's part of why I answered the OP's question the way I did to bring things back to the topic that was intended. You won't let that happen, though.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @Mailleweaver there is no need for us to have so much back and forth about this. I realize you feel you are coming to a persons aide, however I am only partially referring to the specific poster. It is more about the premise. You as well as others are free to post what you like. I am sure there are plenty of women on here who would love to see more threads about erections.

  • ThierryC2017ThierryC2017

    @Mailleweaver is totally right and has perfectly understood the reasons for my question, unlike you, totally mistaken. I'm neither trying to push people's boundaries, nor trying to talk about sex, nor insidiously harassing women. Otherwise why would I have looked for the cuddling community which almost doesn't exist in my country, and made a such detailed personal description on my profile (and telling that I'm 100% gay --therefore not harming women at all, but being not enough aware of all bad bahaviours they encounter) ? @pmvines, please stop bashing me.
    I'd like to stop the damages now and to close the discussion. I did already read @Lareese53 's topic.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @ThierryC2017 point taken. I have no issue with you. Once you have been on here long enough you see a trend with certain topics and erections in one of them. I am sensitive to it because i am friends with a lot of the women cuddlers on here and it seems to be something every guy wants to talk about with them, and it can be a means to justify pushing the boundaries, so it is their interest that i take into account. If you meant nothing by it then I take you at your word.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited October 2017

    .

  • ThierryC2017ThierryC2017
    edited October 2017

    It's OK now : I've seen your apologies and I feel reassured.
    On my side, as I said (perhaps because I'm gay), I'm still not enough aware of how much women still get harassed on this site by the means of sneaky words/topics intentionally made in order to dodge moderation for a time.
    And that's all to your credit that you defend women (and the site's image and "attraction" at the same time).
    I'm just too naive in general, not thinking about what bad things people (here, harassers against women) can do .

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