How to approach this site

edited October 2017 in General

This began as a response to another post but turned out to be way too long and goes into far more than the OP of that thread intended, so here it is to stand on its own.

Filling in your profile on a site like this is important for several reasons. It shows that you're willing to put forth the same effort that others have. It tells people something about who you are, not only in what you say, but also in what you don't say. What you share lets them know what you're interested in and what your expectations are, while what you don't share indicates a bit of what you're either insecure about, want to hide, or don't find important.

If your profile is completely empty it doesn't just say that you're too lazy to fill it in. An empty profile says that you aren't willing to make any effort at all. You are just here to take and not give. It also says that if you find nothing important enough to share, then you're not interested in learning anything about what other people think is important. You're just in it for the physical and then you're done. That's not good for any kind of relationship and will drive people away. For a healthy relationship (friendship, romance, cuddle buddy, etc.) you must not only be willing to share and accept what the other person is willing to give, but be happy to do so. It is from this mutual sharing that the benefits of relationships grow. That is what creates connections between people.

Part of what drives people into this kind of mindset of focusing only on the physical with minimal effort elsewhere is, I think, desperation and insecurity. People lose hope of finding meaningful connections and let go of attempts to do so in the idea that settling for less might make it more likely to get at least something of what they need. They've been rejected so many times that they don't want to put effor and hope into yet another. I know from experience that that is a hard place to be in, but giving up on meaning will prevent you from ever being fulfilled. But desperation, loneliness, and insecurity are not necessarily core problems in themselves; they may just be symptoms of a deeper problem.

If you're lonely and desperate, take a look at yourself and find out if there is something that needs to be addressed. Look for things in you or in your life that are begging for attention and need to grow or be let go of. Seeing a professional counselor can help greatly with this. But don't expect them to make things better for you. You have to be the one willing to take guidance and do all of the hard, hard work. It can take months or years to work through things that you don't even know are plaguing you, so don't get in a hurry. Going through the long struggle may be exactly what you need to get better.

I first got on this site about a year ago very lonely after a breakup and feeling very insecure about myself. After months of depression and months of not finding any cuddle partners or even getting any replies to my messages, months of counseling and time in the hospital and getting help of other kinds, I was finally able to think clearly enough to sort through things and figured out that my depression and loneliness stemmed from insecurity, and my insecurity stemmed from a lack of trust that God knows what I am good for. I never could live up to my own expectations of who I thought I should be and always felt like I was not good enough: not good enough for the woman I loved, not good enough to be loved, not good enough as a Christian, not good enough as a student, not good enough as an employee, not good enough as a son and brother, and generally not good enough as a person. I was insecure for my entire life up to that point, and it was that insecurity that caused me so much pain and drove people away. In finally realizing that God knows all of my flaws and weaknesses and still chooses me for his plans in everything about my life, I found the confidence to accept that I am good enough. Nobody is a better judge of character and of worthiness than God, and if he still gives me things to do and people to be with, then I am the best person for those things despite my imperfections (and possibly even because of my imperfections.)

In gaining the confidence that comes from trusting God's judgement of me, I found healing of the insecurities that caused my loneliness and depression. And surprisingly, I began to get replies to messages that I'd sent out months before. Sometimes God puts us through hard things -- even torturously painful things -- because that is what we need to grow. If I'd found a cuddle buddy during my depression it would likely have helped relieve some of the pain I was going through, but I think it would also have been likely to have become an opportunity to become desperately dependent on them to keep that pain away and prevent me from actually healing. Don't use this site as your only source of hope for satisfying your needs since you might not know what you really need. But also don't give up on it as just another failure if you don't get replies or cuddles. Just put in a little effort to make yourself available as a person and let it be an open opportunity for connections.


  • It is also beneficial to change your approach of people to be a giving rather than asking attitude. Offer them a chance for connection for their benefit rather than your own. Helping someone else feels really good and is also much more appealing to people than being needy yourself. In the spirit of this, be genuinely interested in them and show it, but don't bug them.

    Showing genuine interest means putting more in your first message than "hi wanna cddle?" Don't even mention cuddling to begin with. We all know why we're here, so there's no need to push things. Find a connection first. You don't have to write a book, but it is good to put in some effort in extending your hand of opportunity. Indicate that you've read their profile and are interested in learning about them and talking about what they find important. And in response to learning a little about what they find important through reading their profile, offer a little more about yourself in those areas beyond what your own profile says. What people share about themselves is often what they want to learn about others. When you give others what they want without asking for anything in return, you may find that they're happy to give back anyway. Those are the best kinds of people to make friendships with. When both people give because they want to, relationships flourish.

    What I mean by "don't bug them" is send one message and leave it at that until they reply. Some people get floods of messages all the time and don't appreciate someone bombarding them. That's like getting repeated calls from a telemarketer; nobody is going to respond positively to that kind of incessant solicitation. Other people just lead busy lives and don't appreciate someone giving them more things to wade through when they finally find time to get on the site long enough to read a message or two. And yet others have their own insecurities or fears to deal with. Getting pestered by a stranger can be scary, and getting attacked because they're not responding or not interested only adds to those fears. In short, send one initial invitation to conversation and leave it at that. They'll respond (or not) at their own discretion and in their own time.

    You should also put care into writing well when messaging people. At least until you've gotten to know each other well enough to develop your own brand of informality between you, take the time to read back through your own message before sending it and correct misspellings, typos, and things that are unclear. An occasional typo or strangely worded sentence is acceptable; everyone makes mistakes now and then, and not everyone has to be great at writing, but if it's too much bother for you to try to make it clear and legible why should someone else take the bother to wade through reading it?

    There is also a system of silent feedback on the site that I think a lot of people miss. When someone deletes a message, it is also deleted from the sender's inbox/sent box. This can be useful. If you send a message and it gets deleted you know they're not interested--they've either deleted the message or deleted their entire account. Just mark them off as a possibility. Not everyone is a match, and rejection doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. If your message remains in your inbox it can mean a few things: they're busy and will get to it later, they aren't sure yet that they want to respond (because of fears, insecurities, etc.) and might later work up the courage, or they're inactive. Just because someone has been online since you sent your message doesn't mean they've rejected you or that they've even had opportunity to read it or reply. Leave those messages there and they my sprout a surprise reply months down the road. So, as you can see, no immediate reply is not necessarily rejection and not necessarily no feedback.

    Another good thing to do to get the most out of this site is to add to it, and I don't just mean by adding stuff to your profile. Interact with people on the forum. Seeing how you interact with others tells people about who you are and can lead to them sending you messages themselves. Sometimes these are just friendly gestures or requests for advice, but they can also be invitations for beginning a personal conversation that could lead to more. The way that you present yourself with others can be what decides someone one way or another about you when they're unsure based on just your profile or your initial private message to them. Showing a willingness to benefit the community makes you attractive to some people, and showing a tendency to attack or belittle people will turn everyone off.

    And if you stop expecting to find a cuddle buddy or expecting to get lots of messages, you can find a lot more pleasure in whatever does happen to come your way. You don't have to give up hope, but you should drop your expectations. Just live the life you're given, accept every opportunity to grow, give for the sake of giving, and enjoy what others decide to give you.

  • edited October 2017

    @Mailleweaver This is one of the most insightful pieces of writing I've seen on the forum in a long time. Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful post.

  • I would enjoy meeting you just from reading what you wrote. Excellent job. This is world changing perspectives.
    Thanks Mailleweaver

  • Thanks to your advice, I have updated my profile page. It's a big deal to agree to cuddle so best to be honest, and as you say put in the effort.

  • @Mailleweaver I agree with all of this entirely, solid advice for beginners, and likely even veterans. Being able to put all of that out in such a logical and easy to understand manner is pretty impressive.

  • And thank you all for your kind appreciation. It's nice to know my efforts aren't wasted even if I did get just as much out of writing it as anyone else is likely to get from reading it. Sometimes my brain goes into sort-things-out mode and writing helps that process along. It's surprising what can trigger it sometimes. I used to talk things out with my counselor or write letters to my girlfriend every few months when this happens, but I'm not in counseling any more and my girlfriend left me to work on her own personal growth, so now you all get the benefits of my brain sorting.

    Now if only my brain would sort out what it wants me to do for a career... I'm tired of fixing copiers.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    Heck you have a passion and talent for writing. Why not just self-publish on Amazon?

    Shame you don't draw - you could make a killer graphic novel. Or even some sweet zines.

    Keep writing! :)

  • I used to draw but haven't done any in a long time. Now my artistic creativeness gets let out via building stuff in sandbox games. :)

    As for writing books, they'd have to be non-fiction since I'm still very unskilled socially. Lacking social skills means I can't write believable character interactions. And I don't really have enough drive to write something so large as a book, anyway. My spurts of inspiration are quite short.

  • beautiful beautiful post! please take this guys advice! :)

  • [Deleted User]MBlayde (deleted user)

    I'm new to this site (as of today ;) ). This type of thing is very encouraging. Thank you for laying it all out there.

  • [Deleted User]cuddlefan1 (deleted user)

    I agree with chococuddles and so many on here you have Excellent writing skills! It's clear, concise and relatable. Very very rare and impressive! It was a joy to read.

  • edited October 2017


  • Excellent post and advice, particularly:

    You should also put care into writing well when messaging people. At least until you've gotten to know each other well enough to develop your own brand of informality between you, take the time to read back through your own message before sending it and correct misspellings, typos, and things that are unclear. An occasional typo or strangely worded sentence is acceptable; everyone makes mistakes now and then, and not everyone has to be great at writing, but if it's too much bother for you to try to make it clear and legible why should someone else take the bother to wade through reading it?

    I had no idea that deleted messages deleted in the sender's box as well. Thank you for pointing this out.

  • Bravo! This should be required reading for everyone.
    <3 Jim

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