Becoming attached to a cuddle partner

pmalloypmalloy
in General

I recently had my first session and it was amazing. The problem is I never, ever get that kind of intimacy with anyone, neither is a chick totally interested in everything I say in that kind of scenario.

I now find myself thinking about her all the time and missing the interaction.

I'm grateful overall for the situation but the withdrawal sucks.

Anybody else?

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]justwanthugs (deleted user)

    Yes I know exactly what you mean. I have the same feelings. One way I’m addressing that is to have sessions with other pro cuddlers. I think it’s likely not the person, but the overall experience. I’ll see if my feelings change after sessions with others before I see her again.

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    I think that’s kind of a natural reaction especially after a first time it’s an intimate experience. Your oxytocin levels are going to build and you’re gonna wanna experience it again however, it’s best to take time between cuddles. Let the oxytocin go back down relax and you’ll feel better.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    First—“chick” is a cringey word that many women do not care for in this day and age.

    Second—Everyone has experienced a withdrawal after cuddling before regardless of gender but that is chemical and has nothing to do with the other person. If you are having attachment issues then find a different cuddler to distract you from those feelings. There are too many “stalkerish” stories told on the forums that you do not want to be the lead in one of them even if that was not your intent.

  • teddybear888teddybear888
    edited January 2023

    This is an intriguing topic and I think a necessary discussion. How to approach the issue of attachment by a service offered intended as detached but professional? But, by its very nature could be is received completely otherwise?

    Let’s be real, folks, how can we balance the intimate & very personal with the detached professionalism? There is an inherent fracturing or dissociative risk I see here. To be fair, it’s got to be an issue for all involved. I can’t believe nor would I ever consider it as a cuddler versus the cuddlist. That’s unfair.

    Note: no doubt there’s likely a hundred forums on this already. Still, completely valid.

  • jplemmonjplemmon

    See as many different ones as you can. It will make you focus less on a specific one.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    See as many different ones as you can. It will make you focus less on a specific one.

    @jplemmon This ^^^^! If you sit there and dwell on one cuddler you become dependent on that person and while it is a much better situation than no touch, you are still attached to a fragile string of false expectations and unfairly putting all your emotional needs on one person. Spread the wealth to others and you will find yourself becoming more confident in the long run.

    And if you do not believe any of the jive I am giving you, then tell the person you cuddled how you feel. At best it will be uncomfortable and at worst you will never see the person again.

  • WKplatonicWKplatonic
    edited January 2023

    @pmalloy, a person's first consensual platonic cuddling session is always the most challenging; lookup " Oxytocin': Facts about the 'cuddle hormone. Focus on the cuddling experience and not so much on your partner

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg
    edited January 2023

    I agree, see more than one cuddler. This is their profession and I remind myself that while good at their job, thats as far as it goes.

    Sometimes there are cuddlers you connect with where both agree a friendship is possible. I only offer friendship if there is no future cuddling, that leads to power imbalances and hurt feelings.

    Basically STRONG BOUNDARIES. You have paid for a certain amount of their time/company, I dont message past that time to avoid breaking either persons boundaries.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    Waiting on @CuddleDuncan ‘s assessment of all of this.

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    I would suggest seeing different cuddle pros! You may find that a lot of pros can provide good intimacy that you will find is accessible with different people. Some pros may not provide the same experience but you learn a lot of what you like and don't like in sessions and cuddlers with that experience.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @cuddles_ndream Lol.
    @pmalloy Just do like me and choose people that work long hours and/or go to school. That way if I start feeling attached it doesn't matter cause they stop having time for me anyway, at least that's what they let me think:) Seriously tho, I think I have felt what you feel, so just don't see a fave cuddler exclusively. And even tho the word chick is out of style and politically incorrect, you can call me a chick if you want. I'm from that time and I like it. I wish you the very best in your cuddle quest and hope for your sake that you don't get too attached.

  • wilderdudewilderdude

    Can happen but just remember not to get weird and do not cross personal boundaries/get clingy. Have heard some horror stories from some cuddlers that wanted to initiate a romantic relationship.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs
    edited January 2023

    Self-care.

    I make it a point to spend hours or a full day readying myself to cuddle. Yoga, nature, hiking, the spa, the gym, eating outrageously healthy, etc. I try to engage my mind, body, and spirit during this time as much as possible. Mindful breathing, mindful walking, mindful eating, meditation, massage.

    This way, when the cuddle is over, any self-care that I do throughout the week brings back the attributes of the cuddle and cuddling in general, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin... happiness, relaxation, improved mood, and lower levels of depression, etc.

    Cuddling, although external has extraordinary internal effects. With practice, a person can generate and re-generate these effects while being alone. I find these added practices enable me to bring more to the cuddle as well.

  • ManOutdoorsManOutdoors

    Get a second and third job. Work 16 hours every day every day so that you can afford all the professional cuddling you want. Or you could meet someone who really enjoys cuddling with you and you could cuddle for free together.

  • [Deleted User]natickben (deleted user)

    I mean, this experience is normal, but the obsession is not. Also, please, please don’t be a man who calls women “chicks.” You can be better in both lanes here.

  • Mike403Mike403
    edited January 2023

    This is a chick.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited January 2023

    @natickben 💯

    @Mike403 Accurate pic but apparently one woman likes to be called a farm animal.

    even tho the word chick is out of style and politically incorrect, you can call me a chick if you want.

  • [Deleted User]justwanthugs (deleted user)

    Children are also quite often referred to as ‘kids’. A kid is a baby goat.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @justwanthugs Children have been referred to as kids since the 1500s. The term chick is from the mid-20th century as a form of sexualized slang for young women. I think there is a distinction one can make using common sense and social awareness.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    My face when fellow cuddlers are referred to as chicks

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Charlie_Bear I know right? The saying “a woman’s place is in the home” was common once too. But it was never right even back in the day. It was demeaning at best.

    @pmalloy Curious, you have been on the site for three years and you just had your first session? Were you inactive or did you have an approach that failed repeatedly to get a response until now? Just curious.

  • [Deleted User]justwanthugs (deleted user)

    @FunCartel i don’t believe the 1500s is accurate. In any event, just because others have used incorrect terminology for centuries doesn’t make it correct or acceptable.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @pmalloy I'm sorry if I caused the thread to go off-topic. I meant to sound lighthearted. Have a good evening.

  • NobodiesheroNobodieshero

    Why not try to find a girlfriend then? It's normal to feel those things and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Being safe around someone and vulnerable is a really good feeling. Have you tried dating sites at all? That way you wouldn't have to avoid feelings, it would be encouraged and a really good thing.

    I kinda assumed most people had a reason for not wanting to be in a relationship to be on this site (like myself)

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @justwanthugs I do stand corrected the 1600s is the first time in print it was used to refer to human children. But I agree, you shouldn’t call your children kids—and I never have. They are my son and my daughter or my children. The word kids always sounded dismissive or like they were an unwanted attachment. And as a single father I try and be very cautious about my wording as a lot of people are waiting for a single dad to screw up.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @pmalloy first of all, congratulations on your first cuddle session! Excellent news! :)

    This circumstance is extremely common, and exists in many fields besides cuddling. Cuddling is particularly susceptible to it because of the high level of intimacy.

    It's called transference. I'm not an expert, so treat the following with caution. The idea is that the things you are feeling are not really attached to the person you cuddled. You're not really feeling great affection for them, you are feeling great affection for the person you happened to cuddle. If you had cuddled somebody else you'd probably be feeling much the same.

    It's called transference because your real feelings, of lack of connection and intimacy, have been 'transferred' onto the object of those feelings i.e. the professional cuddler. The burst of affection is a natural, common and understandable over-response to the previous deprivation. Many of us here have experienced it. I certainly have.

    Dealing with transference in clients can be an extremely demanding and difficult experience for professional cuddlers. It's one of the toughest parts of the job. (The same-but-opposite circumstance is called counter-transference, and dealing with that can also be very difficult.) Clients who struggle with emotional response and emotional regulation in general can be overwhelmed by transference, and this in turn can lead to various forms of problematic behaviour.

    You are behaving appropriately in expressing those feelings in a suitable environment, which is good. This thread will hopefully help you understand and manage these feelings. The good news is that it does tend to wear off after a while.

    Quite separately, you may also be suffering from the chemical reactions in your body. Oxytocin is lovely, but when the surge runs out you can be left with something of an 'oxytocin hangover'. This is not your imagination, it's a real thing. Again, it passes.

    There are four things you can do to prevent this early over-attachment from becoming a problem.

    Firstly, recognise and understand what's going on. This is all perfectly normal.

    Secondly, as has already been mentioned, do not depend on one cuddler. You don't have a vast choice of professionals in your area, but there are a few. Keep your horizons broad.

    Thirdly, recognise the importance of boundaries. As @teddybear888 mentioned, maintaining distance is difficult when you are being so intimate, and the way you do it is by being fierce about boundaries. Sessions start and finish precisely on time. Don't ask unneccessarily personal questions of your professional. Contact them only by the recognised method, and only to discuss sessions. (It's fine to talk about a session afterwards, particularly if it's brought up difficult emotions.) All of this keeps the relationship with its professional limits, and makes it look unlike any other type of relationship. And that helps, a lot.

    Fourthly, fill the gap between intimate human connection and no human connection. I don't know about your circumstances, but many people on this site lack all kinds of social and physical connection. Going from nothing at all to cuddling is quite a shock. Fortunately there are a million things you can do to fill that gap. My favourite staple suggestions are: volunteer with a charity; join a club, society or evening class; or be a regular attender at a religious event (they are good at looking after people, and no you don't have to believe in their stuff).

    I know this is a bit painful at the moment, and you have my sympathies. But it's part of the process, and it's temporary. As you gain experience as a cuddler, the joy and happiness that cuddling brings you will not decline. However, the feelings of pain and loss are worst after the first session, and get easier - a lot easier - with experience and practice. Don't let this put you off.

    Good luck. I'm very keen to hear about your second session, as and when it happens!

    @justwanthugs
    @cuddles_ndream

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    @CuddleDuncan Nice assessment… always looking forward to your expert opinions on these types of matters.

  • [Deleted User]therapycuddles1 (deleted user)

    Having a cuddle session with someone is a very soul connecting experience so totally understandable that you develop feelings for your cuddler.
    I am a professional cuddler and I have had many clients develop feelings for me. I suggested to them that they mix it up and book other cuddle professionals, I generally have a good relationship with a lot of other professionals in my area so I recommend to my client whom would be the best fit for them.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    This is one of the most helpful discussion threads I’ve read here. Maybe could be stickied or recommended to new and first time cuddlers on the site!

  • CozyWolfyCozyWolfy

    I agree about seeing more than one cuddler and will add adjusting your expectations.. cause that's where a lot of heartache comes from.. and keep searching .. I found a cuddler who has time to chat here an there in between cuddles an that has been great.. also honesty.. if your feeling certain feelings it can be helpful to communicate them.. so you can work through them an there not left to there own devices.

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