Married Cuddlers

[Deleted User]cozycuddlepuddl (deleted user)
in General

Hi there, I am a married Pro cuddler who just began this month and am baffled by the trolling I have recieved for cuddling while married. I'm sure this is in part rooted in personal traumas but I'm wondering what the general consensus is. Do I have a lot of other married cuddler community out here who feel the ways these sessions can bring us deeper into our authenticity as opposed to the perception that there is something shady about cuddling anyone but your spouse? I feel like a lot of the judgement is rooted in the false perception that cuddling is not able to be platonic which is disappointing.

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Comments

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited January 2023

    There are loads of cuddlers who are married or in long term relationships, including professionals. We've had a couple of good threads on this.

    Some of the trolls may be seriously creepy people. The look at a soldier holding his dying buddy and think, 'yep, that's sexual all right'. Or a mother with her newborn baby. Or sportspeople who just scored.

  • HoosCuddlingHoosCuddling

    I think a lot of people (myself included) are in or have been in relationships/marriages where cuddling other people would be seen as out of bounds, or a form of infidelity. That is certainly how my ex-wife would have seen it; cuddling with someone else (gender irrelevant) would have been absolutely not permitted.

    So I think people lash out at least partly out of jealousy, that your marriage can permit such luxuries. I think (but just guessing) that's fairly rare. I would guess that most married people finding cuddles on this site are doing so without their spouse's knowledge or approval.

  • Sheena123Sheena123
    edited January 2023

    Myself being a married pro cuddler, I usually just get a lot of cuddlers during a session say,” wow, that’s so cool that your husband ..let’s.. you do this”. Or I would get,”if you were my wife, there’s no way I would let you do this”. But that’s about all I get. Sometimes someone asking how much extra for my hubby to join lol 😆 which I politely decline.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles
    edited January 2023

    Many people including pros on this site are in relationships/marriages (the majority of my cuddle buddies are). I am also in a relationship. My girlfriend knows about it, is accepting, supportive and cuddles too. I accept and support her as well. A few people have asked or discussed it with me. They ask me why I cuddle others, with a girlfriend. I just calmly share my views and respect that their views are different. Not everyone will understand platonic cuddling (especially in a relationship) but to each thier own.

  • mettamsomettamso

    Married, dating or single, there are issues of trust and consent that always need affirmed.

    I personally will not cuddle someone if I know that they have a significant other that doesn't consent. Whether it's insecure attachment or values, that s.o. has a right to say no, just like anyone participating in the cuddles.

    That said, most of the people I cuddle do have romantic interests of some kind. I think cuddling goes very well with healthy secure attachment.

    I think people have a right to do whatever they want with their bodies, but we have a responsibility to communicate how we want to use our bodies and to reach consensus with our s.o.'s. If a s.o. has attachment issues, I think it's our job to help them heal and grow before we do things that make it harder to trust.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972
    edited January 2023

    Years ago I used to be more judgmental… until I came to the realization that nobody knows the full dynamics of someone else’s relationships except the people in that relationship.

    If you are not a part of the relationship in question, it is extremely unlikely you will ever know both sides of the history, discussions, efforts, and agreements of someone else’s relationship.

    If you ask someone about their relationship, AT BEST you will get one side of the story and it is likely to be a heavily edited version of that story. I have cuddled with pros I knew were married because they put it in their “about me” section (the marital status field is not visible in a pro’s profile). I have cuddled with other pros not knowing if they were married or not and I did not ask as I did not consider it to be any of my business and I didn’t want it to sound like I was hitting on them.

    Everyone has the right to form and hold whatever opinion they want about someone else’s relationship(s). However, because such opinions are at best based on incomplete information, and viewed through the lens of ones own life experience, those opinions are worth about as much as last month’s Sushi left overs. A person can keep those opinions as long as they want but I really don’t want anyone to share them with me.

  • WKplatonicWKplatonic
    edited January 2023

    Stress platonic but make it about the client; communicate your boundaries; if they violate your boundaries, leave but make sure you have "your" money.

    I want the best for my professional cuddlers, but I have a tough time with my professionals bringing up their relationships or stuff from the outside world into her and my platonic cuddling space and our time.

    Some people are lonely through no fault of their own for many different reasons.

  • nycuddlernynycuddlerny

    If someone does not trust you, you are with the wrong person. You have to find someone normal before you get married :)

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I agree with @JohnR1972. I would add that you really have nothing to gain from dissecting and forming opinions about other people’s relationships. Who cares? Managing one’s own life is challenging enough, so why add something that is none of your business?

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @JohnR1972

    until I came to the realization that nobody knows the full dynamics of someone else’s relationships except the people in that relationship.

    Yes .... except that quite often even the people in the relationship don't know.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972
    edited January 2023

    @FunCartel 100% agree with your addition!

    @CuddleDuncan 100% agree. I almost said that in my initial post but I was trying to keep the post brief.

    My mind goes to the NFL (American Football) and how referees throw a flag for “unsportsmanlike conduct” when one player gratuitously hits another player. The referee “calls them as they see them” but the commentators sitting at a desk with recordings of 30+ cameras at their fingertips sometimes go back and show interactions between the players in question prior to the action that resulted in the penalty.

    Frequently there were smaller, acts of unsportsmanlike conduct, from both players, that preceded the act observed and flagged by the referee. Referees do not watch hours of replay video to determine “who started it”, they simply respond to what they personally observed.

    This is done to keep the game moving and it is the polar opposite of a family law court where judges listen to hours, sometimes days, of testimony to determine who is at fault in family matters.

    Lawyers are involved, motions are made over the admissibility of documents into evidence, witnesses are called, the credibility of certain witnesses is challenged, etc. And even then, courts sometimes still make serious errors in their decisions.

    I guess my point is, regarding cuddling, trying to get to the truth about someone else’s relationship (does their SO really know and approve) is a futile endeavor considering none of the parties involved are answering questions under oath. It may make someone feel better to be told the person in their arms either doesn’t have a SO or that their SO knows and is OK with it but I simply don’t ask because I don’t consider it any of my business.

  • homeboyhomeboy

    If I were in a relationship and considering becoming a pro cuddler, I'd discuss it with my partner and I would expect that he would do the same if the situation was reversed. As a customer, I don't think it's any of my business to ask, and if I was a pro cuddler and someone asked me about the situation between me and my partner, I'd have to consider if that customer and I were a match. That said, if a customer feels strongly about it -- or about anything -- I would hope it would be discussed during pre-cuddle negotiations.

  • bekah_cuddlesbekah_cuddles

    @Sheena123

    Myself being a married pro cuddler, I usually just get a lot of cuddlers during a session say,” wow, that’s so cool that your husband ..let’s.. you do this”. Or I would get,”if you were my wife, there’s no way I would let you do this”.

    I am also a married pro cuddler and I often have cuddlers making these exact same comments. I'm usually surprised by this. Would my husband be suspicious if I was a massage therapist giving men massages? Of course not. The relationship I have with my husband is very strong and we trust each other immensely. Why else would we have gotten married otherwise? He understands that it's a job and that it's completely platonic.

    Sometimes someone asking how much extra for my hubby to join lol 😆 which I politely decline.

    If they offered extra, I actually know for a fact that my husband would be down for it. He is an amazing cuddler. The only reason he hasn't created a profile on here yet is because he doesn't think there's much of a demand for male cuddlers, especially up in Maine where cuddlers are scarce to begin with.

    Honestly, the most difficult issue I've come across as a married pro cuddler is scheduling sessions where I'm hosting. In general, I try to schedule my sessions while my husband is either at school or at work. But when a potential client's availability doesn't fall in those timeframes and they're not available to host themselves (or don't want to book a hotel), I'll ask if they're comfortable with my husband being in the other room. While he sometimes can find excuses to leave our apartment for an hour or two, I still feel guilty kicking him out of our home for a session, especially when the sessions are longer or the weather isn't that great. He has expressed many times that he doesn't mind at all just chilling in another room while I have a session, but so far I've only had one client who was comfortable with it.

    Ultimately, though, I don't feel the need to mention my or my client's relationship status unless it gets brought up naturally because this is a platonic service. In my opinion, it's nothing anyone should feel they need to hide from their partner(s), just like you wouldn't hide whether you were going to see your massage therapist, physical therapist, psychotherapist, or any other professional. It's a form of therapy and should be treated as such.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    People are so judgemental sometimes, it sucks. @Sheena123 I would be so annoyed at someone saying that to me...like thanks for your opinion but keep it to yourself is what I'd say lol

  • Soft_Hug84Soft_Hug84

    Many married folks are deprived of touch/cuddles in their relationship. (Speaking for myself primarily)

    If you have a sore throat you go to a Doctor, married or not. This is where i come to adress the "ills" in my relationship. While consent of the SO is important, some failing marriages involve the "I won't touch you, but nobody else can either." (I know...get out!)

    Married people need cuddles too...probably more than Singles!

  • dave31415dave31415

    If you're a pro cuddler, unless you believe the service you are providing is some kind of marriage counseling, then you shouldn't be concerned about whether they are married or whether their spouse knows or approves or whatever. You are providing a service for the individual and their relationship situation shouldn't be any of your business.

  • [Deleted User]Zaxsis (deleted user)

    I will not meet with a married / committed relationship woman. This is a personal boundary for me on my side. I don't want to deal with the drama nor phone calls during the middle of a cuddle session.

  • hifigeorgehifigeorge

    I like to think that people are just wired differently, What's okay with one may not be okay with another. I'm not a pro cuddler, but I have cuddled a pro who was in a relationship. My wife and I have a strong supportive relationship. However, her first love language is words, not touch. She doesn't look uppon this as a failing, but merely a difference. I like her to be nurtured with worrds, as she likes me to be nurtured with touch. Whether we're talking about pro or not, I believe that if everything's been discussed, and agreed to, platonic cuddling shouldn't be a problem.

  • JasonCuddlesJasonCuddles

    As long as you are not causing harm to others then what you do is up to you. If other people feel the need to control you or be mean to you then they are the problem, not you.

  • xandriarainxandriarain

    I remember when I first started cuddling, there was a lot more stigma. I had one client who wasn't comfortable cuddling the first time we met (we just went on a hike and talked). He said he would like to meet again, and somehow, it came up that I had a new boyfriend, and he refused to even go on another hike with me because I was in a relationship, even though I made it clear that my partner was aware of my profession and ok with it.

    As someone with three-plus years of experience, I attract better-quality clients than I did at the beginning of my career. And no one seems to have a problem with it. I think they get that being a cuddle therapist is my career and not just a phase or a side hustle, so of course, I will have a personal life. Some clients are curious and ask if my boyfriend is ok with what I do or how he feels about it, but they usually trust that he supports me when I explain that he painted and built custom furniture in both of my offices.

  • AngelPendavezAngelPendavez

    I don't think your personal life is anyone's business, honestly.
    You are there to hold space for your clients by following the guidelines, which stress consent and platonic intension. This wouldn't change if you were single or any other status.

    I can understand wanting to confirm that your spouse is onboard for my own safety and peace of mind, but that's where the conversation would end.

    Even if someone personally wouldn't want their spouse doing what you, they have no right to force that idea onto you. I think the anonymity and distance gives trolls courage to things that they wouldn't otherwise. To all the professionals, I'm sorry you've had to put up with that ~

    I've come to realize that a lot of relationships are pretty unhealthy. Lots of possessiveness, jealousy and entitlement going on. So I think when someone sees a married professional, there's this automatic assumption that something shady 'must' be going on.

    I think anyone who feels uncomfortable is probably projecting. It could benefit them to take some time to figure out why they that way and stop making it your problem. ✌️😙

    Here's a related topic with a poll, if anyone's interested ~
    https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/9763/cuddling-married-people/p1

  • bekah_cuddlesbekah_cuddles

    @Zaxsis

    I don't want to deal with the drama nor phone calls during the middle of a cuddle session.

    I don't understand how being a married woman somehow brings about drama. Also, unless it's a safety call (usually used with new clients and longer sessions), a pro should not be answering their phone during a session. That's just unprofessional, but that literally has nothing to do with their relationship status.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @bekah_cuddles lol! Honestly, I wish my hubby would join in! He’s just a very shy, private person. 😫😅

    @Melancholy I’m inclined to agree lol 😆 unfortunately some ppl are still back in the past where women needed permission to do anything lol 😆 I think most of them are curious about my situation 🤷🏻‍♀️

  • Lisa123Lisa123

    One said he needed to know my relationshipstatus because, "I don't want some guy coming after me for cuddling with his woman"

    Umm, okay. I'm not hiding anything from anyone, are you?

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    I have cuddled a married professional with her husband in the house at the time. I am happy to confirm that he hardly punched me in the face at all. 🙄

    Actually, I didn't even meet him although I would have been happy to.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @hifigeorge And I have a feeling that you don't see your wife as having a failing cause her love language is not touch. That's nice :)

  • hifigeorgehifigeorge

    I agree, it is nice. Challenging at times, but I think that if we choose to learn and grow, working with and learning about each other's differences can only make us both better people.

  • Lisa123Lisa123

    @CuddleDuncan I'm interested in learning how to hardly punch someone! Might come in handy in the future.

    No officer, I hardly punched him! 👮 🤜 😳

  • scottrileytxscottrileytx

    So, disclaimer: I’m still pretty fresh, I have a whopping TWO cuddles under my belt, both with amazing professionals. I’m happily married to a spouse whose love languages don’t include physical touch, but is supportive and trusting once I showed her the world of cuddling and what it did, or rather didn’t, consist of.

    During conversation in both cuddle sessions, our relationships came up. One had a boyfriend, one was single. That status had absolutely no bearing on the direction of that cuddle, I’d say that if it did, I’d question myself as to whether I was there looking for a platonic cuddle encounter or subconsciously seeking an extramarital relationship.

    But there can be a thin line between keeping personal stuff away during a cuddle session. I’m here for the opportunity to express my vulnerability to people that aren’t necessarily part of my everyday life, and without feedback from my cuddle partner that at least implies reciprocation to a degree of that vulnerability, I feel like that session would be less than fulfilling.

    Now I’m not asking, nor ever would, for specific things, mothers maiden name, ssn, things of that nature, but part of this temporary connection that is satisfying to me is for someone to draw comparisons with their own lives to empathize and connect to my own life. I’m lucky thus far that my sessions have been everything I’ve expected!

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    You are lucky and what you mentioned in the last paragraph is the best thing to me about cuddling @scottrileytx .

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