For you, why cuddling, and not the other thing?

[Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)
edited March 2023 in General

I thought perhaps it might be good to re-iterate why we choose cuddling.

As a younger man I appreciated cuddling, or intimacy as I would have described it then. But as a younger man I was also biologically pushed towards... the other thing. This might certainly be different for different men. But today, if I had to choose between all the intimacy I wanted, with none of the other thing, or the inverse choice. I would easily choose the intimacy. It includes the need for human touch, while excluding the jealousy, drama, and many of the dangers inherent in... the other thing. When I first discovered that a site such as this existed, I thought, hey ladies are always saying they don't get enough affection. They are always saying that guys just want... the other thing. So this should be easy, because we want the same things... well, I wasn't factoring in the trust issue. Or rather, the lack of trust issue.

Perhaps if I, and other guys here can talk about why cuddling is a preferred mode in our own lives, we can address some of the trust issues. It may be naive, but it is my hope.

For those participating in this discussion, please keep the conversation on topic about why you’d choose platonic cuddling. Discussing non-platonic desires usually results in these kind of threads being shut down since they go off the rails pretty quick. Thank you. [Charlie_Bear]

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Comments

  • _marC_marC

    Is the other thing sex?

  • BlackKalelBlackKalel

    For me. I'm here for being better with touch in general. Cuddling is such a nice feeling. I like touch and find it relaxing and I really separate the two. It took my partner a long time to realize when she asked for a massage or I requested to give her one that's all I was doing. She often thought something was wrong because I didn't push the line during. Like a massage is a massage. So I even invested in a massage table to get the act off the bed.

    I think I really went away from the OP question sorry. So for me cuddling is a break from problems and life allows me to just relax I have noticed my heart rate slowing and tension leave my body which isn't really true with the other thing.

  • HoosCuddlingHoosCuddling

    For me, I wouldn't say it's a "one or the other thing" between cuddling and sex (we're allowed to say that word!). I like both, and both have their place in my life and in the lives of most adults, I would guess.

    Cuddling provides a lot of the intimacy and connection with another person without the expectations or risks of sexual activity. (Risks being physical -- disease or pregnancy -- emotional, legal (in terms of disagreements about consent), etc.). But sex provides the intimacy along with a powerful physical reaction.

    If I had to pick? I guess maybe I'd pick cuddling too, given that masturbation is always an option to meet the base sexual needs. But also, please don't make me pick. :lol:

  • [Deleted User]MrAdmirer (deleted user)

    I don't want a relationship, nor am I the hookup type. Platonic cuddling to me is the perfect solution.

  • OhioMikeOhioMike

    Is the other thing competitive food eating? 🧐

  • john5555john5555

    The other thing. 😂 Now sing it… “I would do anything for cuddles, but I won’t do the other thing.”

    Ever cuddle with a friend? I have. We fell asleep together and it was so lovely. Although we didn’t explicitly state it, we knew there would be no peccadillo-ish “other thing”. We were camping, comfy,
    love each other, and she grabbed my arm and threw it over her so that we could be close and cuddle and it was great!

    Now, try explaining why that feeling is so wonderful. I’m trying now, and there’s no chance my words will sufficiently explain the richness or beauty of that experience. I also can’t explain in a straightforward way why “the other thing” wasn’t on the table for us. It just wasn’t. That’s not how we roll. We’re happiest as we are.

    Ever been out alone and have someone approach you that is attractive to you? Maybe you’re sitting at a bar and they buy you a drink or you buy them a drink and have an amazing conversation. I’ve had that happen to me. The positioning of choosing cuddling over “the other thing” sounds a lot like choosing having an amazing chat with someone in that social context over having sex with that same person in that same setting. There are so many factors including social context, where you are, and a ton more for the sake of brevity that we probably don’t need to list. Having that amazing chat is awesome, though. I still remember one I had at Reykjavik airport. Or at a random bar in Edmonton. And yet another at an Inidianapolis restaurant. I don’t want to diminish those interactions by positioning them as me and the other person choosing those interactions over sex. Those interactions had intrinsic value to both parties. Sex was never on the table, and neither party suppressed some sort of overwhelming urge to rip the others’ clothes off.

    Cuddling is beautiful and important and amazing and intrinsically fulfilling - especially when there is an inexplicable connection between 2 (or more) humans. Why we sometimes want it to stay there is so difficult to explain. That doesn’t make it less real, though. Why we want that other thing and with whom and when is also incredibly challenging to explain sensibly.

    Cuddling can be amazing. The other thing can be amazing. Going to a baseball game can be amazing (especially when the Blue Jays win). Cooking a delicious dinner can be amazing. How about regarding cuddling as related to sex (let’s state the precise word for goodness sake) as cuddling is to going to a baseball game. I guess the two could go together (now that I’ve stated it I LOVE the idea - so hit me up for cuddles at a baseball game). There is no implied or mandatory connection between the two, though.

    For me, that’s the best way of positioning this.

    Lastly, the less we can feel shameful about natural human things (like wanting intimacy, deep connection with another human, or (AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!) sex, the better. These are all diverse feelings, and they don’t need to be related and can definitely be openly discussed and referenced with precise language.

    Thanks for attending my TED Talk. ❤️

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    @OhioMike , ummm sure. We won't mention it because of those who might be on the wagon food wise, ok?

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    Well said Tedx @john5555

  • [Deleted User]Calibrate715 (deleted user)

    @john5555 enthusiastic snapsnapsnsps to your Ted talk - especially you using the phrase "pecadillo-ish" lol. I agree, I love connecting with people even if it never becomes physical in any capacity. It holds extreme value for me.

    @OhioMike Allllll the bacon!!!😆

  • [Deleted User]Ltkit (deleted user)

    Personal touch therapy that is not sexual is much more valuable to me.

    To be able to be held and hold someone while having a conversation, nap, or good cry is probably the most therapeutic thing I've ever experienced.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
    edited March 2023

    @OhioMike

    Is the other thing competitive food eating? 🧐

    I was going to ask if it was underwater basket weaving 😂

    But more seriously, my platonic cuddling convos usually touch on video games, so if I am lucky enough to be cuddling a fellow gamer, there is a strong possibility that things might escalate to some competitive Mario Kart action. This has happened to me before and it was glorious. And for anyone wondering, it was Mario Kart 64.

  • CuddleButtLOLCuddleButtLOL

    I’m a male, close to 60 years old. I have enjoyed partner dancing for 24 years now, mostly swing and salsa; holding hands and physical touch, plus my dance partners smiling and happy, makes me happy.

    Cuddling is even more satisfying and became more important for me after both of my parents died in the last three years, plus me moving to another state, plus the social isolation due to COVID.

    I get an emotional high from cuddling. I also got a “runner’s high” back when I was a runner. Some people don’t believe these natural highs exist, but I’ve experienced both of them.

    As I get older, I don’t perform as well at “the other thing” so cuddling is nice because I don’t have to worry about performance, and I can be an overthinker. With cuddling, I can just go right to “the fun part” as one of my cuddlers used to say. I don’t get turned on by cuddling, so I can enjoy being on top, or have my cuddler on top of me like a heated weighted blanket. A disadvantage in one context can be an advantage in another.

    I’m not a thrill seeker; for example, I don’t like roller coasters. I find them stressful, not exciting. Call me boring, but I would prefer a relaxing bath to a roller coaster ride. Younger men might prefer the opposite. I’ve definitely become more boring over the years, lol!

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    @CuddleButtLOL Thank you for that post. I get the feeling we are kindred spirits at this point.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    As in, 2 types of Cuddling:
    1. As foreplay to the other thing
    2. As Touch therapy / relaxation
    They can each appeal to different senses and must separate in your mind.
    I’m trying to simplify the idea of directing focus.

  • [Deleted User]RarestFind89 (deleted user)

    For me cuddling is an intimate activity that doesn’t require much of an attachment to the other person if any and doesn’t leave the other person with mixed signals or emotions. It’s very straightforward. The “other thing” can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, one person interpreting it differently, getting attached, etc. Not to mention all the other things that come along with that other thing.

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    @carrieanne That's very interesting. In the past, in my romantic relationship I was fine with starting with cuddling, and if she responded with a desire for the other thing, then great, if not, that was ok too. But she would often ask me which one I was after at the start. The question puzzled me at the time. You seem to have a similar take on it.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    It’s a female (some at least) thing that cuddling really needs to be a part of intimacy. There are men who have no understanding of that. They get what they want, then fall asleep, or yawn and say, I need to get home now. Later. Never occurs that his partner needs other expressions of being valued and cared for. It’s shocking to me how few men get this. It’s also the reason relationships fail. The women grows cold after a while. The more he complains about not getting what he wants, the angrier inside she will feel. And this is why some men aren’t getting cuddled either. There’s way more to all this of course but I’m writing a simple explanation. Communication about what we each want and need has to be there from day.

  • warm_embracewarm_embrace

    I like all the things, at the right time and place!

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    @carrieanne , so what are some things both men AND women can do to bridge that widening divide?

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    Communication, open talking with each other. I think it has to start pretty early in a relationship even before moving forward, it’s having chemistry and natural rapport and trust and be personal about everything that’s important to you at what you want from each other. Even talking about how to disagree and then resolve.
    I think if it’s there from beginning it can make a big difference. It won’t always be perfect but if you can read each other….
    These are things I’ve learned by talking to people, men women and why they resent each other over time. I don’t know how effective but I do know that not open communication that feels natural, will only get worse. Oh and having fun together also? You know, how perfect couples act on tv! Lol

  • john5555john5555

    Thanks @Calibrate715!

    @Charlie_Bear Nintendo 64 is the best Mario Kart ever! 💪

  • BearBear

    They are not mutually exclusive. Platonic touch such as cuddling, or hugging can be a daily need to some of us. I can’t remember when I first got into getting my Cuddle tanks filled. Coca-Cola had a hugging machine in another country. To get a can of Coke. You would have to hug the machine.

    This is why I look for cuddling. I sometimes have skin hunger.

  • OhioMikeOhioMike
    edited March 2023

    @Bear

    i forgot all about that coke machine lol

  • jaswbrownjaswbrown

    @Charlie_Bear Things escalated to competitive Mario Kart action? So, you're saying, is that things got racy? LOL. It's wonderful when you can cuddle while bonding over mutual interests... I once got to trade stories, with a cuddler, about Dungeons & Dragons games we played, while cuddling, eating candy, and listening to each others' favorite songs. I LOVED it. :3

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    @carrieanne I am interested in your response, but I don't feel comfortable asking my follow up question here. Do you mind if I DM you?

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @1_teddybear Love your manners and I bet I'm not the only one.

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    :3

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    Thanks @1_teddybear and yes, definitely. I’d love to hear from you! I agree with @achetocuddle also. Your profile and posts show the kind of person you are.

  • MrKinderMrKinder

    The other thing is more readily available.
    You'd have to be a complete weirdo to cuddle with a random stranger :p
    Cuddling = peace, acceptance, trust
    The stuff I want/need every so often.

  • LionsFanLionsFan

    @carrieanne

    If a guy rushes off after the deed, he wasn't interested in anything beyond a warm body and is likely married or living with a GF. If this happens frequently, a woman needs to sharpen her selection process, after all, women are the ones who decide if there is to be "the other thing".

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