Why do we talk about the paraphernalia so much?

CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
edited April 2023 in General

One of the things I've always found curious about the Cuddle Comfort forums is the obsession with not paying attention either to yourself or the person you are cuddling. Or even trying to avoid the fact that you are cuddling at all.

We have endless threads about the circumstances of cuddling. Do you prefer films, music or silence? Choice of snacks or intravenous Irn Bru? Desert island or luxury hotel?

Obviously the more serious of these questions have their place in planning a session with somebody, and it can be amusing to chat about any of them on the forum. But the overall theme is one of avoidance: avoid the cuddle, avoid the cuddle partner, avoid talking about what is really happening. It's all about the distractions, not about the cuddle.

Why?

Comments

  • xandriarainxandriarain

    @CuddleDuncan I don’t see it that way. I think ambience is important and has an impact on ones ability to feel comfortable and connect with the person they are cuddling. My intention behind setting up my cuddle space is to help my clients feel at ease and feel more comfortable opening up to me not to distract them from the fact that they are cuddling. Its hard to talk about what happens in sessions in great detail on the forums because of confidentiality.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @xandriarain yeah .... while I was writing I was thinking of you as the exact opposite of the thing I'm talking about, and indeed it was that thought of you that led me to write, "Obviously the more serious of these questions have their place in planning a session"

  • [Deleted User]MrAdmirer (deleted user)

    Maybe people get bored and just want to make topics for discussion

  • [Deleted User]CharlesInWI (deleted user)

    Western “culture”, and far more specifically European monotheistic culture, has a deeply ingrained embarrassment, shame, and loathing of being human in a human body.

    A lot of our focus on the minutiae is a more or less direct result of that.

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    @CuddleDuncan the way I see it the cuddle session is the hamburger so the hamburger by itself it’s not bad but it could be better. I think of the distractions kind of like the condiments you can add cheese to the burger and depending on your preferences, maybe some lettuce some tomatoes some pickles maybe some mayo or ketchup or mustard whatever you like but then see you take the original burger or cuddle session and you just elevated it. Lol 😂

  • Matt462Matt462

    Ambiance is important in feeling comfortable, who wants to cuddle in a silent empty room?

  • Cinephile77Cinephile77

    I appreciate the topic because the connection between cuddlers is key. But it’s also very personal. Everyone comes to this as the product of their own life experiences. Everyone has their own boundaries and comfort levels.

    I think what we’re going for during a cuddle is finding the common ground between cuddlers in a comfortable and nurturing setting. There should be conversations before a cuddle to build an initial level of comfort. And you can discuss the setting, personal boundaries, etc. If that comfort level is not there? Don’t cuddle with that person. The conversation should continue during the cuddle about how it’s proceeding. Everyone is different, and connections can vary. Beyond that I don’t know how we can analyze the situation because of the individual circumstances.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    Every thread I made about actual cuddling sank to the bottom of the forums so quick. I think talking about cuddling is just too personal for most on a public forum. That’s ok to me. I’d rather find fellow cuddlers that have a shared interest by talking about something like Pokémon anyway 😅

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Charlie_Bear You are correct about sinking to the bottom because threads about cuddling are actually pretty common and mundane—I can’t count how many “What do you love about cuddling” threads I have seen. Quite frankly, if all there was was threads strictly about cuddling others it would be an unmitigated bore. I would rather threads about Pokémon because I know nothing about Pokémon, but I might learn something. With that being said…

    Is this one of those threads that complains about other threads?

  • sillysassysillysassy

    @Charlie_Bear 😂😂😂 thank you for your perspective!!

    @CuddleDuncan this is so intriguing!!! I know that speaking for myself “as an ENTHUSIAST” I speak about the specificity of the cuddle in that person’s karma but the specifics don’t make it to the forums because of the feeling of the connection being such a powerful bond between most people. It also requires their mutual consent to post details etc. and honoring that connection is kind of delicate.

    I think sharing some of those peripheral details feels publicly unreasonable not because of shame or confidentially but because I don’t necessarily want to let everyone be a part of that special moment.

    I have at different time for different reasons added snippets of cuddle experiences publicly for enjoyment and expressiveness, but in general it’s a fun little treasure/memory that is just ours. 😊

    (In fact I will add the link of something FUN that a few of us started a long time ago 😂😂😂)

    https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/9023/cuddle-shenanigans/p1

    Now that I’m thinking of it…. I also don’t have a desire for the other community members to be saddened or discouraged that they haven’t found someone for snuggles AND I also don’t want people to pick apart what we did or didn’t do based on their own specific preferences or boundaries.

    I think that’s why I don’t share specifics all the time….. hmmmmmm so interesting and thought provoking!!! 😊

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @sillysassy 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

    Echoing what @sillysassy said so sincerely since speaking solely on singular threads about cuddling (yes worked in a tongue twister)…I would be mortified to have details of a session openly dissected on a forum. Other than the info provided on karma, I view sessions between two people as a sacred event that everyone does not need to know particulars other than maybe there goes another one FunCartel drove into therapy. Furthermore, like she said, there are some people out here struggling to even find a hug and to glorify your cuddling conquests in multiple threads does not help and could even aggravate the feelings of isolation.

  • OriginalirishOriginalirish

    This is a very interesting thread. I've met some people that were insistent on having the TV or music on, Some that outright said that silence creeps them out, and others that just enjoy the cuddle. I don't mind other things going on, the TV was a bit much, but only so long as they don't take away from the cuddle. I once paid a lady $300 for a two hour cuddle...and she didn't cuddle at all. We sat on opposite sides of the bed and talked for two hours. It was a great time, but I also really needed a cuddle and was disappointed, but too afraid to ask to be closer for fear of being misunderstood. I have noticed that it seems as if its mostly pro's who are tethered to said need for paraphernalia...I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

  • cde123cde123

    I don't feel like the details of cuddling itself are missing on the forums - in fact the forums have been incredibly helpful in helping me frame my attitude towards cuddling and what others understand it is. Come for the cuddles, leave with a mental health education, basically.

    There are tons of stories and details which pros are willing to share once you've built trust, but of course part of that is not running to the forums and posting it all here. And likewise, I know there are facts about me out there that nobody knows but cuddle partners.

  • BearBear

    I have never been interested in outside activities with somebody new I’m cuddling. I’d rather get to know them and just focus on cuddling and what they’re comfortable with.

    A friend of mine I haven’t seen in a very long time came in town to visit with me for my birthday. My birthday request was cuddles, lol. So far it’s been a very nice week.

    We just finished going to the theater and concentrate more on watching the movie then anything else while were there. I don’t think I could get comfortable, cuddling and watching a movie in public and such.

    Yeah that’s just me.

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