How do spouses feel about cuddle buddies?

CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995
edited March 2018 in General

How do your spouses/partners feel about you cuddling and being affectionate with someone else, even if it's platonic? Did you ask them first? If they don't know, why won't you tell them? Is it because it's not something they'd be okay with? If so, why do you do it anyway, as they may feel emotionally/physically cheated on?

Just curious as to others' experiences when in a relationship or married, particularly if your relationship/marriage is still loving and affectionate, but you still seek it with others and are not in an open/poly relationship.

Thank you to anyone who shares!

(Doesn't include when you're a pro-cuddler, as it's just a job, unless you haven't told your spouse/partner.)

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Comments

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    I’m currently separated but I would never hide my cuddling from a spouse or SO . I do however only do public cuddles in certain areas because my inlaws and my own family wouldn’t understand and I try to not deal with them if possible .

    I don’t judge other who cuddle in secret . I don’t know their situation maybe they stay with a person because of kids or financial issues . It’s not my place to judge . I don’t ask my clients relationship status anymore than a masssuer would , I’m providing a platonic cuddle . That’s it !

    Me cuddling as a pro had less to do with fulfilling my cuddle needs and more to do with doing something I love as a buisness . I’ve always been a nurturer my husband knew this and understood my companion caregiving job as just that ,Nurturing . But we are naturist so I’ve been nude around total strangers so when you understand non sexual nudity it’s easier to understand platonic cuddeling I think .

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    Also I wouldn’t ask a SO I would tell them. I’ve never had an SO ask me what I thought about their job they just took the job that fit their skills and needs . I would do the same . If they don’t like what I do as a job they can either learn more to hopefully get passed their issues with it or they can decide that we are not a good match .

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)

    @CuddleBug1995 - I love that you started this thread!

    This is a question that has been in the back of my mind for some time. I often get contacted by married men who are not open and honest with their spouses about their cuddle 'hobby'. I tell them that, while I do not judge, that I do not feel comfortable with pursuing a cuddle friendship with them. I am an enthusiast, not a pro cuddler, so this may have something to do with my personal preference.

    I am going to sit back and wait for people's responses. Thanks for starting this conversation!

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995
    edited March 2018

    I'm not so much thinking about when it's a job because it's just a job, but when it's "stepping out" to get cuddles, particularly when in a relationship where cuddles and affection are still a frequent part of it.

    All I think is important is honesty, so someone can choose whether they're comfortable with their partner cuddling someone else.

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM
    edited March 2018

    I had a potential client tell me he was hiding his cuddeling . I did ask him how he would feel if his wife did the same . His response “ I would kick her ass!”
    I didn’t take him on as a client .

    Most of my clients are touch starved they have SO who are workaholics or don’t care to be touched outside of sex . They love their SO but they need to fulfill touch needs elsewhere . Maybe one day they will be able to get their SO to understand .

    I wish more people in relationship understood one person really can’t meet your every need . This is why we have friends and create communities .

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995

    I'm glad you didn't take him on. Hypocrisy is a bad sign, as is dishonesty, when it takes away someone's choice.

    Some people do find a partner who fulfills all of their relationship needs and have friends for friendship needs. Others don't. Both are okay, as long as everyone knows what's going on, so they have a choice.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited March 2018

    I have had several cuddle pals in relationships or separated. They all felt like it was something they had to hide which admittedly made me a little uncomfortable. I just always feel honesty is best. I do hear what people like @cuddlebugTM are saying re it not being a factor for them. I can imagine there are varying degrees of thoughts on this if you are a paid cuddler or not, and also possibly gender as I am a guy with female cuddle pals? I can see why someone might become jealous due to the intimate and sometimes sensual nature of cuddling even if platonic. It is different than eating lunch with a coworker.

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    I think cuddling is not only a relationship need . I got plenty of cuddles from my husband and enjoyed cuddles with friends and family . I never judged friends who at times chose to keep things to themselves they were navigating their life the way they need to . I think it’s very easy to judge . People in relationships with children have a hard time just leaving a relationship that isn’t fully healthy . When asked for advise I will share with them my thoughts , otherwise it’s not my buisness .

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    Would I be in a relationship with friends I see hiding things , probably not . But then I wouldn’t give them a reason to need to hide . I’m very accepting . But otherwise I’ll still be friends with them . I prob wouldn’t date them .

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995

    Thing is, I'm not judging someone for needing more cuddles or anything - just taking away the choice of their partner makes me uncomfortable, as I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that.

    @pmvines : "I am a guy with female cuddle pals? I can see why someone might become jealous due to the intimate and sometimes sensual nature of cuddling even if platonic. It is different than eating lunch with a coworker."

    That's my thing on it too. For me, I'd have cuddle buddies while I'm single, but not when I'm in a relationship and I'd want my partner to feel the same, for compatibility. I think it's because, whilst I can cuddle people platonically, it's still fairly intimate/sensual, which (as a monogamous person) I wouldn't feel comfortable doing outside of a relationship I was in and would want the same back.

    That's where I'm all for hello/goodbye hugs with anyone, but not cuddles, if in a monogamous relationship with me.

    To each their own on monogamy or polyamory and where platonic cuddling fits in, but I don't like people's choice being taken away because things are hidden from them.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @CuddleBug1995 I will def cuddle most people who want to cuddle me, however I can see that changing if I were in a relationship. I think most people want to be able to get the attention and touch they need from a SO. The people I have known who look for it outside of their relationship have not been in stable relationships.

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    I also look at the other side the one who needs cuddles having their choice taken away because of a controlling partner . It really depends on dynamic of the relationships . I’ve know couples where one does what they want while the other one needs permission for everything . It’s not healthy and I would hope eventually they resolve the situation with counseling or get out . Until then not my place to judge how they navigate their life . Some people get into unhealthy relationships and struggle to get out because of kids , finances etc . Peoples lives can be complicated .

    In my life I’ve chosen honesty and openness even in monogamy . Clearly talk about personal boundaries and what are deal breakers for me In a relationship . Then decide if we are a good match But many years ago I’ve was in unhealthy relationships and navigated them in unhealthy ways . That’s just where I was in my life at the time .

  • willmott2k10willmott2k10

    I'm not currently with anyone but I can honestly say that I wouldn't hide something like this from them if I was, call me old-fashioned but I deeply believe in honesty and trust if you're serious about being together with someone. Saying that, I don't tell my family about this as I don't feel they would understand that well and there would be a lot of awkward questions but my close friends know I'm a massive hugger/cuddler, some know about the site too and are very supportive of me meeting people which is nice :)

    It's interesting to think actually about the amount of difference it might make to what your spouse (or partner or whatever you like to refer to them) might think about you being on here if you compare a scenario where you'd been together with someone for a long time and then joined the site for whatever reason to a scenario where you joined the site first then meet someone, I mean if it's the latter like it would be with me it just seems like it would be yet another interesting thing to tell about yourself to me whereas the former I can imagine them maybe wondering why you joined and whatnot if you're not entirely honest and forthcoming about the details and what impact that would have.

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995

    I'm not talking about unhealthy relationships, though. In cases where their partner is cheating or not at all affectionate and they've tried to improve it, I understand reaching out for a cuddle buddy. I'm thinking of the majority who aren't controlling and would want to work on the relationship together, rather than secretly seeking things outside of the relationship.

    I'm not one to judge needs, which is why I agree with you that some people need cuddles and their relationship isn't offering it, despite trying, and not being able to leave immediately. It's keeping things from good people, not controlling ones, that bothers me - as it can destroy them.

    It's each individual's choice as to whether or not they want a cuddle buddy and each should also have the choice to stay or not to stay with someone who has one.

    To me, it's like looking for sex outside of a relationship. If it's out in the open (preferably before it starts), each person can decide if they want to stay. The only exceptions for me are abusive situations, like controlling/manipulative partners, or when your partner is terminally ill (or similar) and can't give you what you need emotionally, nor are they mentally aware anymore. Those are the only situations that make sense to me as keeping it a secret, as you can get what you need without hurting good people - if that makes sense?

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    If it was healthy they prob wouldn’t be lying . Don’t you think ?

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    To me healthy means honesty and respecting each others boundaries and caring about each others needs . I think most dishonesty is about fear of rejection .

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995
    edited March 2018

    Healthy means the same to me too, but I guess I'm saying that not all of the people wanting outside cuddles are "good" people (when it comes to a relationship)? The same way that not all people who cheat are in horrible/neglected marriages - or at least not cheating because their partner isn't a good partner, just doing it because they can/want to?

    Sometimes it's selfishness or wandering and not owning up? It may be platonic, but it's still intimate and sensual, which doesn't generally mesh well with monogamous couples, unless it's a job or agreed upon by both people.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited March 2018

    .

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    For me I’m not here to judge other people’s morality or relationships . I’m here to platonically cuddle . As long as they respect my boundaries during cuddle sessions then I’m good .

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995

    Your job is to cuddle. I want to cuddle people who wouldn't hurt someone they love (as that's a sign of their character and how comfortable/safe I would feel with them), so morality comes into it for me. Some couples are happy to cuddle others and that's great. Others aren't and that's great too. It's the choice that matters and knowing things that allow you to make that choice. Perhaps you'd feel differently if you weren't paid to cuddle and saw them solely as cuddle buddies you chose, instead of customers who chose you? Either way, it's an interesting topic.

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    I think it’s totally ok for you to have those boundaries but even as a enthusiast their relationships aren’t really on my mind . Just like I go dancing and dance with different people . I don’t ask them about their relationships I’m just there to dance . It’s on them to handle the boundaries of their relationship . Now if I’m trying to make out or have sex then I’m asking questions .

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995

    I guess it's just an overall trust thing for me. I like to know I can trust who I hang out with :) Going out dancing is cool!

  • pmvinespmvines

    @CuddleBug1995 Many of the paid cuddlers on here do cuddle with friends as well and don't see it as just a side hustle or paying gig. I have friends who do the paid cuddle thing and though I don't myself pay to cuddle I have on occasion been their go to person when they need to recharge and be pampered themselves.

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995
    edited March 2018

    I know it's not just a job for many of them - the same way photographers often do photography as a hobby too and journalists often write for themselves as well, etc. :) All I'm saying is that interest in customers' moral compasses may be different than interest in those who you choose solely for your comfort and mutual cuddle buddy friendship.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited March 2018

    I agree @CuddleBug1995 that's a fair eval. I know it is going to be different when cuddling a friend as opposed to a client. Biggest difference is getting to not be "on" and feeling like you are in performance mode and having to focus solely and the needs of the other person. I would imagine you are able to relax more and just be yourself, so it stands to reason that one would more selective than when cuddling a client because there is more of a personal dynamic and you are cuddling for your own needs and fulfillment.

  • CuddleBug1995CuddleBug1995

    Exactly, @pmvines . When dealing with customers, you can't really "discriminate" (based on personality) unless they make you uncomfortable - whereas you can choose cuddle buddies who are platonically compatible with you - which often includes moral compass :) There will always be some people who don't care if they're cuddling with someone who keeps secrets from their partner, but it would make me uncomfortable, personally.

  • pmvinespmvines

    Even though I am no saint and have done cuddling and much more with people who were keeping it to themselves for some reason or another, the place I'm in with my life now if I were to have a long term platonic cuddle pal situation I would want there to be openness and honesty so I don't get caught up in the middle of something I don't want to be in the middle of.

  • [Deleted User]roamer1999 (deleted user)

    If this type of behind my partner's back secrecy is revealed, then the cuddler has an ethical obligation (even if it's not written in the pro cuddler handbook) to refer the client to individual or couples therapy. The absence of cuddling in a relationship is symptomatic of other problem(s) in the relationship, that even daily pro cuddles will not solve. It's a kind of "emotional cheating," a way of feeling good with someone other than your SO. More destructive actually than just physical cheating. In fact, outside cuddling, even in secret is likely to make matters worse. You have to ask when did the person figure out their partner wasn't so cuddle-friendly - today, after 10 years, 8 months and 3 days of marriage? Please pro cuddler, don't be an accessory to the crime!

  • JRoseJRose
    edited March 2018

    Here's my two cents on the matter:

    Good subject to bring up!

    Most clients, by far, are cuddling in secret - if not ALL of them (us) - to some extent at least. I'm not even fully public about what I do, yet... We are all very aware of the potential for judgment or disapproval from others, not to mention the many ways cuddling can be misunderstood - especially by spouses or significant others. I think it's so important to understand this, be sensitive to this reality and be very thoughtful on how we navigate this wonderful, but still developing form of therapy. While I always encourage openness, honesty and unapologetic, enthusiastic sharing about cuddling, I fiercely guard each client's privacy, anonimity and their right to choose what is best for their situation. I admit, any form of dishonesty (especially with those we love) does make me feel uncomfortable personally, but it is not my place to judge others or pressure them into doing anything. Nobody knows their situation better than they do. Our business is to cuddle these people with an open heart and mind and to protect the unfolding of their journey. Love is the point of this work at the end of the day. Eventually, more and more folks will be screaming about the benefits of cuddling from the rooftops, but we'll need to get there gently and with patience! <3

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    I can only speak from past experience, I think my ex-wife would have divorced me even earlier if I had cuddled with another woman. She didn't even like me speaking to other women on the phone. I wanted to keep in touch with one or two past girlfriends that I had had purely platonic friendships with and she did not like it.

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