In my experiences, one married cuddler said her husband was okay with her being a cuddler. Another cuddler was soon to be married and her future husband was okay with it. A cuddler's boyfriend did not approve and wanted her to quit. She left Cuddle Comfort, but has now returned using a different username.
I’ve posted a few posts in various threads about how someone I cuddle being in a relationship is none of my business and how I think it’s unfortunate that society places the entirety of the burden of providing for someone’s social needs on their spouse.
Being everything to one person, even one person you love more than life itself, can get exhausting or even be indisputably impossible in some cases, such as long distance relationships or physically incapacitated partners.
Not everyone understands platonic cuddling and while I think it’s extremely unfortunate that some relationships do not consist of trust and understanding enough for partners to openly discuss the need for this sort of thing... I can only hope that as society continues to evolve, people will become more open-minded.
I get why people hide it in cases where others just don’t understand... the only people I hid being a cuddle client from, back when I was a client, were my parents; being extremely homophobic and me seeking out a female cuddler, they would’ve automatically assumed something far less innocent... and anyway, it was none of their business.
My wife suffers from mental illness, her internal struggles, leave little for anyone else, I see this community as a means of support "to be held". i do things to keep myself healthy ( massages, support groups, spending time with family and friends, volunteering, hobbies, love art and nature, and cuddling:), its meditative. my health allows me to be there for my family. In college, some 25 years ago, I met a women who I liked and was going to ask her out, semester ended and next semester she returned married, I missed my chance, we connected creatively, collaborated on several projects, and remain close friends for all this time and this platonic connection that i allowed to play out has been tremendous, glad I learned something in college, now my wife talks to her more than I do, its all good. All my experiences have been great, the conversations some light, some very deep, everyone creative in their own way, and the cuddling, I'm a big hugger, I get to let go, focus on a few things not everything and hear my breathing; I hear myself panting walking up steps, doing activity, thanks to being overweight, but this has been nurturing and revitalizing. everyone has some type of backstory, GREAT ENVIRONMENT.
Thank you everyone for the opportunity for this great exchange.
Everyone be safe, be yourself, and be held...:)
@JRose I'm starting to notice a pattern that I always love what you add to the conversation
@Lorelei I was equally warmed by your response as well. Our place is not to judge (unless of course, they are disrespecting us or attempting to harm us =P ).
Personally, I haven't fully "come out" about cuddling, so I completely understand. Like it has been said above, this is still a developing market with a lot of misunderstanding and judgment from people who don't know about it. I will always respect my clients' confidentiality and hold no judgment for keeping it a secret.
Please don't read, if you don't want my two-cents on it! No offence or anything intended, just my perspective that may not apply to your situation.
Your ex-wife couldn't guarantee you only had platonic relationships with them - even if she trusted you; most of us aren't wired to feel comfortable with it. It may have also been because she knew the marriage was struggling and felt you talking to exes would have added to it. Would you have been completely comfortable with her talking to exes in private?
Most people can't stay friends with an ex, let alone two, because there's too much romantic/sexual history to truly be platonic, especially if it was a long relationship - unless there are children involved. So talking to anyone of any gender should be okay (and shouldn't be controlled by anyone), but talking to exes is uncomfortable and disrespectful for most partners.
The main result from cuddling is intimacy and sensual comfort, even platonically, which is why it's essentially emotional cheating, unless it's already agreed with your partner that it's something you're both happy to do with other people or are happy for the other to do. Obviously, there are abuse cases where comfort and safety are needed and it's dangerous to tell the partner, but secrets only hurt innocent people, in situations like this.
It's about compatibility and comfort zones. I would love to platonically cuddle when single, but not when I'm a relationship, and I'd need to be with someone who was the same or who didn't platonically cuddle regardless of relationship status. Some have it as their job, so they need to be with someone who accepts that. Anyone who still wants to platonically cuddle, even when I'm a relationship, should be with someone who's comfortable with that, whether they do it themselves or not.
I'm not saying it's completely black or white and it's rarely easy to navigate, but it's just very sad when secrets are kept from innocent people, even if the intent isn't malicious, and it takes away their choice until they find out and likely feel cheated on. We all know how feeling cheated on can destroy our self-esteem or trust, so it gets to me when people cheat (or seek emotional comfort elsewhere without it being out in the open) and refuse to tell their partner, as it takes away their choice. "Our" (general) choice is whether we want to cuddle or not. "Their" choice is whether they're happy staying with someone who snuggles with other people, when in a relationship. "We" all need those choices and shouldn't take someone else's away (unless they're abusive).
Again, the main thing is just not doing it behind your partner's back, so they can either stay or not. Keeping it from family and/or friends is different to keeping it from someone you're in a monogamous, committed relationship with.
I just wanted to know for my own safety, especially if I was cuddling in their home. It wouldn't be good if a husband or boyfriend came home and he did not know that his girlfriend or wife was a professional cuddler or that he was against it.
The dishonest Cuddler. I am going to be bold and tell you why I am a dishonest cuddle seeking person. I hope I don't get backlash from this. You all seem so nice.
I definitely have not spoken to my husband about this site or cuddling. I have not actually chosen to cuddle with someone though I have had many requests.
The moral implications of cuddling with someone have me stopped in my tracks.
My husband has not touched me since June 19, 2017. He loves me and is a good provider but because he does not have sexual desires he does not see a need to put his arms around me, hug me. Etc. I have tried to talk to him about it and have expressed to him the need that I feel to experience some affection from him. I have asked him to go to therapy with me. He is completely opposed. I totally respect his body and what he wants to do with it or not do with it because I love him.
I have talked to him about how he feels about me hugging my co workers and patients more often for that heart to heart hug that increases endorphins etc. He is very much against me hugging other people and cuddling other people would be a complete end to our relationship. We do not have children together, but have children separate from previous relationships and one I have had since birth adopted before we were married (my sister died giving birth to him) that calls him dad.
I am able to touch others as I typically put my hands on all of my patients because I know the healing affects of touch. There is much evidences based research to substantiate the affects of touch and healing. There are physiologic changes in the body, chemical reactions that occur in the brain etc. Evidence to show the mortality rates in babies in orphanages changing with the mere implimentation of physical touch. Adults benefit in the same way that babies do.
I feel like I need that in my life. That is the one thing that I lack. I do not want to sexually cheat on my husband, but I would like my endorphins and dopamine levels increased for better quality of life.
I see that most people commenting maybe judge my motives because I am married and not telling my husband. I probably would too. I just know the evidence based research behind physical touch and the physiological affects that it offers in a nurturing form and believe that everyone deserves that even if my husband does not.
Can't delete this comment? Reworded after.
Mickey, you are one of the cases where it's not black and white. You and your husband love each other, but he isn't compromising to still have your needs satisfied. You've tried to improve it, you've asked to go to therapy and, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to care enough about you being happy in the marriage - whether it's about him cuddling more or you getting cuddles platonically elsewhere.
Nobody here is questioning the evidence behind the benefits of cuddling - we do absolutely deserve it, but that's why I feel it's important to be with people who want us to be loved and cuddled, or accept that we need it elsewhere, if they refuse to compromise. I can understand why he's not happy with you cuddling other people, but then he needs to step up and go to therapy with you to find a compromise your both satisfied with, or you're just not compatible
I honestly, totally understand why you're with your husband, but I couldn't do it. Heck, if he accepted you finding it elsewhere (platonically), staying would make sense. However, I just couldn't be married to a friend, which is what "you" (in general) become when all physical love is removed and you're not "allowed" to find it platonically elsewhere. That's just me, though, as people require different things in a marriage. I would need them to care about my needs being fulfilled as much as I care about theirs.
I'm really sorry you feel so trapped in this situation and I hope you find a resolution, whether that's leaving him or him accepting you need cuddles from somewhere. Your situation doesn't count in the above topic, in the sense that you're not "cheating" yet and he's not innocent either, as he knows how you feel and isn't willing to try to meet your needs.
Thank you for sharing, as it was very brave and your situation is a perfect example of when I've said it's not black and white - i.e a neglected marriage.
@CuddleBug1995 I would do some research on asexuality. It sounds like her husband may be on the spectrum. I consider myself on the asexuality spectrum, and have spent a lot of time with, and in conversation with, asexuals. A person CAN be in a relationship with all physical love removed. That doesn't make them just a friend. That might be the case for you, but not everyone. There are other differences between a friend and something more. It is a very difficult concept for allosexuals to comprehend, but please try, so you are better able to understand people in relationships with asexuals. The problem here is that @MickeyMcVay is touch-positive and it sounds like her husband may be touch-negative (or touch-neutral, but uncompromising), not that they are only friends. Mickey, feel free to message if asexuality is a new or confusing topic for you guys. It may not be applicable, if something else is going on causing his distance, but it is highly suspect if he otherwise seems to really love you :-)
Lol, @CuddleBug1995 , it says you're asexual in your profile. Shocked you made that statement then...
Ubergigglefritz. He is a bit older than me and recently y around last May June is unable to get a complete erection but values his body and does not feel like taking pills is a good choice. On the flip side. He does not understand the importance of just cuddling, hugging, a hand on the shoulder or back every once in awhile because touch in his mind has to do with sex from what I can gather. It wasn't always like that. He is a kind hearted sweet man. He loves me and loves our children. His love language is acts of service.
Scratch that assessment then ;-)
Honestly it’s nobodies buisness and you shouldn’t feel you need to justify your choices .
"married to a friend, which is what "you" (in general) become when all physical love is removed and you're not "allowed" to find it platonically elsewhere" - you are generally married to a friend when you're not compatible (physically/emotionally) and unable to reach a compromise. He doesn't see the need for touching and that's okay, but Mickey does. He doesn't want to find a way for her to be happy too. That has nothing to do with asexuality.
Also, asexual is "lack of sexual attraction", so some asexuals don't want affection/sex and others do.
The trouble here is that, as much as he seems to love Mickey, he isn't meeting her half way (whether that's him cuddling more or her being "allowed" to cuddle with others) to make sure she's happy too. Having different "love languages" is common, but you both deserve to feel loved in your own language too - which is why people often have to find a "middle ground".
I hope it improves somehow soon, Mickey. Thank you for sharing.
As for placing everything on one person, most people only want one person. They have friends for friend things and a partner for intimate/sensual/sexual things (with needs varying per couple). Others want to be open or poly. Both are great, if you're compatible. It's not good to encourage poly people to stick to one person, so it's not good to suggest monogamy is "sad" or should be more open/poly.
As a married man on this site I can only tell you my position. I haven’t told my wife that I’m seeking platonic cuddles with others because I know she would not approve or understand the need. Having said that I can’t see the harm to her or our relationship of something that is platonic. I know many women here are uncomfortable with this situation and I fully respect that. At the end of the day it limits considerably the chances of finding cuddle buddies but better than lying and saying I’m single which would be an easy thing to do. I still hope to meet a cuddle buddy who is comfortable with me and my situation.
Please don't read into any "tone" with my responses (anyone), as I'm genuinely not judging and it's hard to express that when discussing sensitive topics.
Would it not be better to have a wife who was comfortable with your situation? Would you be happy for her to seek long platonic snuggles with other men, that aren't guaranteed to stay platonic (as nothing is)? You haven't told us much, and that's totally okay because it's your private business, but you aren't telling your wife because you know she'd feel betrayed and possibly cheated on - that's the harm to her ("what he/she doesn't know can't hurt him/her" is often used as an excuse for cheating or keeping other secrets that would hurt them). If there's nothing wrong with it because it's platonic, it shouldn't need to be a secret from the person you promised to commit to, forsaking all others (unless you have an open/poly marriage, in which case it wouldn't need to be a secret).
Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging you because it's none of my business and I don't know why you feel you're not getting the cuddles from your wife (it's not always black and white, like Mickey's situation), but I can't seem to get behind doing something you know would hurt the person you chose to marry, who presumably loves you and wouldn't seek intimate/sensual things outside the relationship.
I admire you for not just lying and saying you're single, but you're not affording your wife the same respect, for whatever reason. It just makes me uncomfortable, unless your wife is cruel or adamantly unwilling to compromise to meet your affection needs.
Regardless, thank you for sharing your position!
As a single person now, I find that I am affectionate to the point where I won't consider someone as a potential unless they would be interested affectionate and would cuddle
If I were already married and that were somehow not the case, I would try to talk to my partner about it first, as if I hadn't been cuddling before and discovered I really like/want/need it, I'd want my partner to be the sole / primary cuddle buddy
Jealousy is a fickle beast. Whether or not the cuddling is platonic, in general I find it is difficult for any adult to have a friendship or be affectionate with a person of the opposite sex while in a relationship unless that is something that is already part of their dynamic. So it stands to reason that there would be a likelihood of jealousy. Massage is often compared to a cuddle, however there are differences. Main difference is the clinical nature of massage. Cuddling is more touching on both sides, hugging, nuzzling, rubbing, etc. I am not saying I agree with the jealousy of people over platonic cuddling, I'm just saying that I understand.
Thank you, @andy8502 and @MickeyMcVay for sharing your personal experiences. Also, thank you to all of those who shared their tactful comments.
The opening questions are interesting questions.
The short answer to the questions are it's no one's business, as the questions seem to be both personal and judgmental. But since there are many comments and also since the questions were raised immediately following a visit from the OP to my profile, and due to the fact that I represent the married members on this site, I will offer some perspective on the questions posed.
I don't know that the married members of this site really have "cuddle buddies". Most if not all are paying customers. I myself as a paying customer prior to coming to the CC website came here with the idea of saving some money by getting a cuddle buddy instead. It is apparently an interesting idea but not a practical one, especially for those of us who are married. This comment is mention because - in my opinion - there is a difference between having an Enthusiast cuddle buddy and paying a professional. No, that doesn't address the opening questions, but I will get to that.
The opening questions only seem to include people who are married or in a relationship, and what opinion my wife would have regarding me cuddling someone else. Well, I have to admit that she would not be happy about it at all. (I will also at this time admit that things would be better in our relationship were I to adhere to different behavior.) However, that being said, I think that it is only fair to state how my wife would feel about anyone outside of a marital relationship cuddling each other: She would judge every single individual who practices cuddling as doing something improper, platonic or not, married or single, paid or not. In fact, to her the whole concept of platonic cuddling is a fallacy, merely the response of individuals trying to deal with the failure of human relationships by trying to put a bandage on a problem that they don't know the solution for. Now don't misunderstand what I am saying. She won't actually say or do anything to manifest her point of view to anyone except in the case of close friends, family, or in my case. The results of the decisions others make is of no consequence to her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have an opinion about the behavior that leads to those results. Additionally, her selected friends who are single would not even consider as a potential mate anyone who would cuddle another person, even if the behavior is labeled "platonic". To my wife cuddling only has a place between married individuals, a parent and child, and maybe hired cuddlers of babies or older ones who need love and warmth and where there is no way that it could be misinterpreted as sexual. But after saying all of this, maybe the more surprising comment I will make is this: I can't say that she is wrong. And neither can anyone else. Because it is her opinion.
A little more perspective: A married man looking for platonic cuddles? And not telling his spouse? Shocking, right? Maybe it would be of interest to note where there are even more married men: In the area where I live as well as probably all of the other cities around the world, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of places where anyone - single or married, no one asks - can pay outright for sex. And yes, there are forums where a percentage of these men like to share their reviews, experiences, and knowledge in that world. Examples of threads shared in these forums go like this: "How to hide your expenses and time away from your wife/SO". To be honest is isn't that no one doesn't occasionally post a question similar to the one posed by the OP. But taking a position that telling one's wife about one's activities is the right thing to do would be met with violent words that would include every obscenity that you could think of. And the owners of these forums/websites would back them up. Why do I know all of this? Let's just say that I effectively got the boot for choosing not to pay for sex.
If anyone should choose to judge me for being married and choosing not to tell my wife that I paid for platonic cuddling services, I have one thing left to say: I am in no way, shape or form a physical danger to any cuddling professional or enthusiast alike. I also would never push anyone's boundaries. What can maybe be added here is the fact that not all the cuddling professionals that I've seen have told their families what they do to make money. And no, I don't know whether that includes spouses, but it did include boyfriends.
I missed a lot being off the computer today, lol, but I just wanted to respond to @CuddleBug1995 . I know that asexual means only a lack of sexual attraction and indicates nothing directly on whether they desire sex or physical intimacy or not. But it is often the case that people who exhibit a lack of desire for sex or physical intimacy are on the asexual spectrum somewhere. It's kind of like all granny smith's are apples, but not all apples are granny smith's. I did not mean to imply that was what asexuality meant.
I just signed on to this service in the first place, but I have no problem being fully open about. My wife and I are polyamorous and are free to date, cuddle, or whatever with whosoever we wish freely and without judgement.
One of my employees called me today and said he wasn’t going to make it to work. He was in distress so I asked him what was wrong. He said his ‘side chick’ threatened to tell his wife about them if he didn’t leave her. I was Ike what??? You have a side chick? I asked how long he’s been in this relationship and he said 7 years. I was blown away and talked to him briefly before he had to go. He said he wanted to talk more to me later. I went home and thought to myself, wow what should I say to him. Should I even bother to counsel him or let him lie in the bed that he’s made. He’s my employee and someone I care about so I will counsel him when I finally speak to him again.
My point in telling this story is that everyone has to lie in the beds that they make for themselves. Everyone has to look themselves in the mirror and deal with themselves. My answer to the OPs question is, it’s no ones business other than the person taking the action. The consequences are theirs and theirs only. It’s not up to anyone to pass judgment on them because in the end, in one way or another, everyone pays for what they do.
The consequence isn't only theirs if it hurts their spouse/partner.
I'm not judging or saying it's any of my business - people are choosing to share their situation and comment on others.
I personally can't/won't excuse doing something behind your innocent partner/spouse's back, if you know it would hurt them. Again, it's not all black and white, as some have tried several times to improve the affection level in their relationship and the other person is completely against trying anything and appears happy to leave their loved one's needs unfulfilled. In this context, I wouldn't consider them "innocent", as they know it's an issue and don't want to find a compromise.
It's about compatibility - being with someone who gives you enough affection, will meet you half way or will accept you finding it elsewhere.
It's similar to emotional cheating (doesn't have to be romantic or sexual; it's a sensual/intimate act to cuddle/nuzzle/snuggle/etc., even when done platonically) and shouldn't be excused when on an unsuspecting partner who doesn't even know you'd like more affection and would be devastated if they found out.
You do what you want in your marriage, but I (personally) don't feel there's a valid reason to seek things elsewhere (unless you're divorcing/breaking up) without trying everything to improve what you have with your partner first - unless you're in a poly/open relationship, where seeking things from others is part of the "agreement" when you married or were dating, or where your partner is sadly medically past the point of understanding or being able to give you what you need (like some who are married to those with extremely advanced Huntington's, where they can't cuddle anymore and can't necessarily understand needing it elsewhere).
Some people disagree and truly believe things are okay if you just don't tell them - so I suppose my only response to that would be "what if they did the same?" and to those who would say "I wouldn't care", you know they would, so it comes full circle to doing something you know would hurt them.
It's complicated, but it's why compatibility and willingness (on both sides) to compromise (find a middle ground) is so important for any relationship. Nobody deserves to be starved of affection/cuddles, but nobody deserves to be "cheated" on either, in any sense of the "betrayal". Both deserve to have what they need, without risking hurting the other one.
To each their own.
It’s interesting how people say they are not going to judge and then go into a long judgmental rant ? oh well. In my case I love my wife and have tried over a period of more than 5 years to reenergise the physical side of our relationship. Unfortunately to no avail. Every suggestion is rejected. Whilst we remain good friends and enjoy a fantastic standard and quality life this huge part is missing. I could leave her but that’s not what I want I love her and I love living with her. I can live without sex but it’s the physical deprivation of a hug or a cuddle that is harder to live without. Yes the fact she isn’t willing or able to work with me to recapture what we once had should mean I can be honest with her about my quest for finding this platonic touch elsewhere, but I know she wouldn’t accept it. So people can judge me and why I am here and that’s fine but I hope that those judging never find themselves in this position facing this dilemma. I’m not a bad person.
I’m beginning to see this is probably not the place to find what I’m looking for, occasional platonic cuddling. I will just say that you should remember I’ve been honest about my situation and I’m betting there are a large number of males on this site who are claiming to be single when they aren’t. So beware and take nothing for granted.
@andy8502 I believe you in saying you are not a bad person. I believe the majority of people in this world are merely trying their best, given their situation, and everyone has a unique story to tell. Lying and deceiving is generally bad, of course, but if finding platonic touch elsewhere allows you to sink happily and entirely into your relationship with the woman you love, your wife, there may be a greater good achieved. Just another perspective. I see cuddling as another form of therapy, where regular visits releases tension so you can enjoy your life and relationships without the stress from that unattended need. As seems to be normal, I am nowhere near to someone who needs help. I hope you find an understanding and accepting person to help you find your balance :-)
Thank you for putting my point across much better than I was able to do myself ?.
Happy to be a positive light for you :-)
@CuddleBug1995 you keep saying you aren’t being judgmental but your OP in and of itself is full of judgement. Half the people in this thread are trying to politely tell you that you are being judgmental. Please re-read your words. Also the caps aren’t necessary. We can all hear you.
I can't put anything in bold to break it up and show what I feel is the most important part of my post? None of it is in caps.
It's not about judging at all. It's about my opinion is this, yours is that, someone else's is something else. People have been excusing what would feel like cheating to someone. That's fine and not my opinion. We've all been talking about opinions. If you consider me judging people, perhaps you're judging m saying "I don't think it's okay to hide something you know would hurt the person you love" as judgement.
We're all entitled to our opinions and I don't think wanting platonic cuddles should mean we ignore a moral compass. I'm not saying it's easy at all - I've just said that it's not (in my opinion) fair to do something you know would hurt them, as that's often the excuse for cheating sexually or hiding addictions/gambling/etc.
Who knows, maybe all of the people here "defending" it would be happy for their partner to do the same to them, but even then, they aren't their partner and know they still would feel betrayed if they found out. Like "Angela" would be fine if "Bob" did the same, but that doesn't change the fact that "Bob" wouldn't do the same and would be devastated.
Cuddling is absolutely important and we all deserve it, but is it important enough to risk hurting someone you love (we know the long-term effects being/feeling cheated on can have), when you possibly aren't compatible anymore? That seems to be what it comes down to and to each their own.
You can continue to say "what they don't know won't hurt them" and defending keeping secrets that could really damage someone's trust in people (have any of you been cheated on? ). I'm going to leave this thread to you all now.
Take care. Do whatever you feel is good for you and hopefully your partners find ways to make sure it's working for them too, preferably without doing things they know would hurt you. I hope you all find great cuddle buddies and that things work out for the best without anyone getting hurt.