@TxTom Isn't it possible that the phenomenon CuddleDuncan is describing is simply something you don't experience and can't empathize with? I'm not agoraphobic so it is hard for me to picture being afraid to go outside ... the fact that I haven't experienced it makes it no less legitimate.
@WriterGF I sympathize with anyone possessing any of the numerous and various phobias: bridges, heights, clowns, spiders, etc, even though I do not suffer from any of them myself.
I cannot sympathize with someone who willingly joins a social media site, and then freaks out when contacted by other site members.
let me pick my jaw up off the floor, holy moly ! thought experiments...online attacks...we must take the lowest dominator possible and make that the standard? common sense is taking a brusing.....
@TxTom
I just ask that you double-check our relative proximity to each other first, please.
I agree.
When I have this happen and I point out that I live 1500 miles away from the pro, they usually follow up with, would you like a virtual session, which I don’t partake in.
@TXTom Your inability to sympathize makes the situation no less valid. As CuddleDuncan stated (not sure if it was here or elsewhere) people join this site for numerous reasons. Some will never cuddle anyone at all. Some have social anxiety issues they may be trying to work through by dipping their toe in this water. We can't know.
I know people who don't answer their door if someone knocks or pick up their phone if someone calls. Maybe the people we are talking about here are only comfortable if they initiate communication, not if someone else does. And it's entirely possible they don't use the forums at all, since the majority of members don't.
@Morpheus Would an exception to this be if they are contacting you to say they are traveling to your area in the near future? I have gotten those.
"Willingly" is a strong word in this context. "After months of agonising and trying to build up the courage" is probably more appropriate.
And it's not about being contacted by other members. The point we're discussing is about being individually targetted for a sales pitch when you are not expecting it and therefore are not prepared for it. In a sense all advertising is an attack, and this - being so individual - is worse than most.
And I reiterate: people leave the site without getting the help they need because of stuff like this. Sometimes I'm in correspondance with them before they go. Other times they have managed to make contact with one of the reputable professionals I know well and I hear the story later.
@Jack62 sadly I don't comprehend your point. Could you elaborate?
As a newbie this is confusing and disturbing. How are you to meet a cuddle partner without contacting them.? Is there a way to know that someone doesn't want to be contacted or will be traumatized in some way if you do so?
I think the only caveat to the distance comments is if a cuddler lives in a large city or major travel destination. I live outside of Orlando and people visit from literally around the world. The same would be for folks in NYC, San Francisco, London, etc. As such, I reach out to every single person who visits my profile. That said, the point is valid.
@gem7 if you're an enthusiast contacting other enthusiasts, that's different. (This thread is technically about professionals contacting possible clients.) If somebody doesn't want to be contacted at all they can say so in their profile, and obviously if they do you shouldn't contact them. But in general enthusiasts may contact professionals and other enthusiasts freely.
People who are in any way upset simply by receiving a message are, happily, rare. But it does happen, and that is one of the reasons why professionals are not allowed to solicit business randomly.
(There are three groups of people here: enthusiasts, clients and professionals. Some people belong to more than one group, for example I am an enthusiast and a client.)
You may find these threads helpful:-
I'm a non-pro woman on this site, and here's what I look for in a first message.
Understanding Boundaries & Etiquette
I actually get pro cuddlers reaching out to me fairly often. I have some great cuddles because of it. Unfortunately I have also had some people get to the point of harassing me to cuddle.
It's good so, long as the pro cuddler isn't being pushy or constantly messaging you.
Trauma and trauma responses are not logical. They don't work via logical routes. The response isn't in proportion to the actual threat.
Have you seen A Clockwork Orange? It showcases how trauma works very well. Alex is a violent offender. The state, in hopes of curing him, give him a medication that makes him sick while he's watching violent acts on a movie screen. This is called overcoupling. Acts of violence are layed over top of feeling violently ill. And when violence is encountered again, Alexis crippled by feeling violently ill again. Seeing violence on screen is not a threat to him, but his body acts as if it is.
Anything can trigger the anxiety. There was an experiment where they paired, I think it was a shock, with the smell of cherry blossoms. They'd shock the mouse and introduce the scent. Soon, just introducing the scent made the mice panic. The interesting thing is that they had the mice breed. The 2nd generation was never introduced to the smell or the shock. Then the 3rd generation was introduced to the smell and they reacted with significant anxiety. They think the way this happens is through DNA methylation. Ie, there is no causal or logical link between the scent and the fear.
Point being, anything can trigger anxiety. Maybe house repairs are easy for a person, but hugging someone is hard. I know a woman who gets along great in the world. But she hates hugging people. Yet she would like to one day get over this so she exposes herself to the idea of hugging, to acclimate to it slowly. She can deal with all sorts of issues well, but not this one.
This isn't the only way trauma works, but it is one of them.
I'm happy to have pros contact me if I've viewed them. I have had better experiences with people who were interested enough in cuddling me, even if for a fee, than with people I had to write first.
Y'all can count me in the "baffled" group regarding a private message being traumatic. I've seen some profiles in which the individual stated something like "I'm not here to meet anyone, please don't send me messages". One in particular said that she was only on here to participate in the forums. Without some statement like that, how would the average pro on here know whether or not a given person was easily triggered by messages?
Perhaps the owners/admins could add a field to profiles along the lines of "don't send me unsolicited messages" for such people?
@WriterGF
Would an exception to this be if they are contacting you to say they are traveling to your area in the near future? I have gotten those.
Absolutely, I love out of town pros.
@Jubal As CuddleDuncan said, it may be less about just getting a message and more about getting a sales pitch.
An interesting point is, until you have actually created an account, would you be likely to know there even are pros here? Because I have seen a lot of people express surprise at it. I'm sure there are people who didn't bargain on anyone trying to sell them a cuddle when they signed up.
I absolutely LOVE pros to reach out to me via a CC message IF it is personal, and is acknowledging something about me they like and feel connected to. The "How's your day going" inane message is terrible, and reminiscent of the scam text messaging. But one that acknowledges something in your profile that appeals is exactly what I look for before scheduling with someone new.
@Bripic for the record, anytime you can fit uncouth, solicite and a poll into a thread. Its an all-pro move!
As a new Pro, I don't attempt contacting cuddlers. In the beginning I viewed cuddlers near me, only to get a sense of what local cuddlers may be seeking. Comfort, security, privacy, and cuddles (of course) are important to just about everyone, but on this platform privacy is vital. While I agree with @TxTom that being traumatized over a peek at a profile appears a bit exaggerated, I can certainly understand why so many wouldn't want a pro's solicitation. I wouldn't want many people viewing me and I'd, personally, be concerned they'd inform my employer, distant friends, or close family. Idc what people think of me, but I do care how a potential employer may feel about my cuddling strangers in general, especially in Oklahoma. Oklahoma has a large religious background which impacts everything from education to employment, and if you dont believe that, you can see our most recent struggles in the education system lol. Bless our hearts, lol. There's a genuine and valid concern to be had for many cuddlers that they'll be made public once "found out".
There's so much more than social anxiety and angst which could be affected here, and it wouldn't hurt for us to remember it costs nothing to be kind.