The psychology of an apology

starrynitecudsstarrynitecuds
in General

Does an apology really need to say, "I'm sorry" or "I apologize"?

Are these apologies:
I'm sorry if I hurt/offended you.
I'm sorry but in my defense, you hurt/offended me.
Forgive me for my delay.
I'm sorry but I didn't mean to hurt/offend you.

I know several people who purposely avoid apologizing and when caught, claim it's more important to be gracious ("Thank you for being so patient") than give a hollow "I'm sorry for being late".

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    I’m not sure if there’s a standardized message of apology for anyone I think it’s always gonna be a little bit different but when you’re hearing the apology from the other person, you can usually tell whether it’s sincere or not can’t really tell that from a text

  • TxTomTxTom

    "I'm sorry" seems necessary for something to be correctly categorized as an apology.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I agree with @lonelytauros. Are we talking a text message? A face-to-face apology?

    I think it is fairly easy to discern the sincerity of a face-to-face apology because all the contextual clues exist—body languages, eyes, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.

    On the other hand, you can never be certain of a text apology’s sincerity. I think an apology tied to being gracious is the closest you will get to sincerity confirmation via text.

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)

    "Thank you for being patient" is not an apology. It assumes the recipient is ok with it and no real responsibility is taken. "I am sorry for being late" is more appropriate IMO.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    All of these [very common] examples are weasel words. Apologies are either wholly meant, or a deliberate insult.

    "I'm sorry."

    "I've inconvenienced or upset you but I either I refuse to take responsibilty for my bad behaviour, or I don't care. Either way, I've decided to treat you as an object, not a person."

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I was in counseling with my ex back in 2015 and the counselor wanted her to apologize to me. She started, "I'm sorry if you felt ..." and he stopped her. He said, "No, it's not about what he felt, it's about what you did. Try again."

  • Darkeyed_maleDarkeyed_male
    edited October 2024

    Remember, accepting an apology does not require the act of apologizing.

    People are in their moment.

    Don't hold onto others actions. They will haunt you forever.

    Anyone asking for forgiveness is reaching out. A loss will never ask for your trust, they are too proud.

    If you are weeding through your feelings, to decide if an apology is sincere, the moment is gone.

    These are my opinions

  • UREverythingUREverything

    Situational

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart
    edited October 2024

    I believe that an apology needs to include an admission of responsibility for missing the mark, whether it was intentional or intentional. If it is sincere, it will be motivated by a desire to modify one's own future behavior.

    In regard to forgiveness, I see it as the offended person's decision not to require repayment from the offender. In my experience, my decision to forgive has released me from the bitterness that would have caused me continued harm.

    Forgiveness can be given with or without an apology, and forgiveness also does not mean that the offended person is required to extend trust to the offender at any time in the future. I see authentic apology as being connected to future trust, rather than to forgiveness.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
    edited October 2024

    I try not to group it with an explanation or justification after because then I feel like it seems I am not actually sorry. If I am apologizing for something, I want them to know that I mean it.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @CharlieBear I like your explanation because people do tend to dissect every word for what you should have said. No matter what you add to the apology there will always be someone who says it falls short. Apologize and move on.

  • [Deleted User]Ripley54566 (deleted user)
    edited October 2024

    There's a bit of an art to a well constructed apology.

    You generally should be honest and open about why your behavior was inappropriate, and acknowledge any hurt feelings the other person may have. Maybe give them an idea of what you were feeling or going through at the time you did the bad thing, but also clarify that this doesn't justify or excuse the behavior.

    This should generally be done free from any expectations of forgiveness. Because your goal here is should be to show remorse and claim some level of personal accountability, not make the other person forgive you.

    The rest is completely up to them.

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)

    @Ripley54566 Agreed. I don't often give as much thought to an apology as I should. Need to get better.

  • SoosonSooson

    "Thank you for being patient" or anything similar in a business/customer service setting is nothing but a tactical move and a lip service. I don't think either side of the statement values it, it became almost automatic.

    Customer service agents are trained not to say forced to use such phereses after a certain amount of hold/wait time and will get dinged by the quality control rep if they have not.

    It assumes the recipient is ok with it and no real responsibility is taken.

    And that will be the official conclusion when a recorded conversation is played back unless the recipient contests it, and that is another reason to throw this into the call.

    As my starting role with my company, I was a Customer Service rep for about 2-3 years. I once picked up a call and apologized for the long hold. the guy goes " you don't really care, do you?", I almost wanted to say "you know I don't give a shit, but I just have to say it"

  • BearBear

    When I apologize, I don't use the word sorry. Along time ago a woman chastised me for using the word and said that people overuse it and are never sorry. Plus I know a lot of people who say it when they shouldn't be and have done nothing wrong, but they obviously have been gaslighted a lot. if I realize I did something wrong, I will apologize. If someone points out that I did something wrong I will apologize as well. I will also admit to being wrong if I am shown that I am so.

    One of the examples that was brought up with somebody saying they're sorry they hurt or offended you and the excuse was you hurt or offended them. One could be accident the second one is definitely intentional. I don't forgive spite.

  • frankparker9frankparker9

    I love the point some people have made about how it isn’t necessarily the exact words used that makes the difference, and that you can generally tell if an apology is sincere in person, but not so much over text. It’s easy to forget (as someone who texts a lot, and maybe prefers text sometimes, or thinks I do) that text does not replace face-to-face communication and can easily lead to misreadings of tone and unclear meaning and intent!

    I would never say “I’m sorry but” if I was really apologetic/conciliatory/remorseful. At the same time, I have given and received, “I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intent to …” (eg hurt their feelings). Just like with physical hurts, sometimes we hurt each other by accident, and we still apologize. Intent matters. I even got an apology from my ex-wife, years after all this conflicty stuff happened that we still haven’t really resolved, that was of the form, “I’m really sorry you felt that way. That wasn’t my intent,” and while she clearly didn’t understand where I was coming from whatsoever, and probably didn’t even recognize my version of events, she seemed sincere. So I thought, you know what, that counts for something; I mean she feels bad even though she has no idea what I’m talking about and probably doesn’t feel responsible.

    It’s all about context. “Thank you for waiting” does land better sometimes than “Sorry I’m late.” “Sorry I’m late” can sound self-centered and make people feel like they need to reassure you that it’s not a big deal, whereas “Thank you for waiting” is an expression of gratitude. It all depends on context, though, and the nature of the relationship (personal? professional?), and whether it actually was a big deal or not.

  • JargogleBearHugJargogleBearHug

    Keep the “ifs” and “buts” out of your apologies. If you are truly sorry, you own your mistake, so those words have no place in your apologies.

  • interalia626interalia626

    I find "how can I make this right" is often a constructive add-on to a sincere apology

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I always feel compelled to offer an explanation when i have one. My intention is mostly good, that doesn't always result in the good.

    " i meant to ...., i thought i had it right"....im sorry.

    "I'm sorry but...." is always wrong imo

    If the behavior doesn't change it's worthless.

    As for forgiveness. I may offer that but my actions don't necessarily align the way you think.i will forgive anything, but i will likely not allow you the latitude to fail me again. I love you though.

  • starrynitecudsstarrynitecuds

    When this was discussed several months ago during a dinner with my friend, we never discerned between face to face vs text vs phone call. Since then, it's really made me carefully word an apology and evaluate those I receive.
    Thank you to everyone who provided their insight!

  • KuddlyKoalaKuddlyKoala

    Basic, genuine apology

    "I'm really sorry that I made you [insert emotion] by [insert what you did]. It wasn't my intention to make you feel that way. I will refrain from [insert what you did] in the future. Is there anything I can do to make this better?"

  • [Deleted User]Ripley54566 (deleted user)
    edited October 2024

    @KuddlyKoala Don't forget also, that sometimes the best resolutions to a problem involve compromise. Sometimes the things we do that upset people felt necessary to us in order to meet our own needs. There are often ways a third solution can be found that satisfies the needs of both parties and doesn't upset either.

    If you are required to simply refrain from doing anything that upsets the person, and they are unwilling to work with you to find a resolution at any point, then the dynamic has potential to become one sided and controlling.

  • OverTheMooonOverTheMooon

    I recall seeing some 'study' confirming that saying sorry IS worse. People rated guilty people worse if they said sorry vs blowing it off or redirecting. Maybe it brings it attention?
    Like a child getting hurt. If you come over and worry and baby them, they cry. If you act normal, they might not.
    I've also just gotten this advice a lot in business settings

    Forgiveness is an energy thing anyway. It matters more that they feel sorry, than what they say.
    Demanding "IM SORRY" from someone feels like an ego thing

  • OverTheMooonOverTheMooon
    edited October 2024

    .

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited October 2024

    Flagged and reviewed. Removing comment due to politics. [CharlieBear]

  • KuddlyKoalaKuddlyKoala

    @Ripley54566
    We're talking about apologies, so I don't think that's relevant to the topic at hand. If you are apologizing, then you did something wrong and acknowledge that it's wrong.😅

  • [Deleted User]Ripley54566 (deleted user)
    edited October 2024

    @OverTheMooon Eh who cares. The point here is to take accountability for something you did that you understand as being wrong.

    The only justification you should need is the knowledge that it is the right thing to do. The way anyone views you because of it is irrelevant.

    @KuddlyKoala It felt relevant to what you said, but I do I agree it's getting a bit off topic. The topic of resolving conflicts may be better off discussed in another thread.

    "If you are apologizing, then you did something wrong"

    I don't agree. I think a person should always apologize if they did something wrong. Unfortunately this isn't always the case.

    Sometimes people say sorry even if they aren't being sincere as a way to appease the other person. Not as a way to show remorse.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I also think we should consider that an apology given does not always admit intentional wrong doing on your part.

    Example: while helping to clean dishes after enjoying a meal at a friends house while they tend to something else, you discard of a plate of food sloppily left at the table. The intention was to help in the needed work but the result is discarding of food the host may have wanted to keep as left overs. An apology is warranted and the wrong doing being acknowledged is on both sides. A change in behavior is two fold, the host should indicate what they plan on saving and the guests initiative should be checked. (I know some people take this initiative without permission because the host may be know to say no to help)

    In this scenario the guest may want to offer a reason ( i would) and the host needs to accept their responsibility in the situation ( i would)

  • [Deleted User]Ripley54566 (deleted user)
    edited October 2024

    @ReltvlyCanshes That's a pretty interesting point to bring up. Ultimately I guess we are just as responsible for the outcome our actions had as well as the actions and intentions behind them themselves.

    I also personally believe that expectations are something you don't generally place on others unless there was prior communication to meet said expectations.

    In this case the guest should apologize without any expectations that the host will do the same.

    You can't force others to be the decent human beings you want them to be. You simply have to be a decent person and hope that others will do the same.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    Never an expectation. You can never expect people to do the right thing , you can only take responsibility for your own actions. I just learn how to interact in the future based on whatever transpires. Live, learn and love. Or not

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