Any advice for someone that is new here?

AKnightOfGondor · October 2016

Hello there cuddlelists,

I have just signed in here and have found not really anyone close by for me in my region. Any advice on this? Also I am curios to learn your experiences on here and any advice that you would like to bestow upon myself.

Sincerely, AKnightOfGondor

October 2016

It seems this site is rather inactive and has few regular members. I've yet to meet anyone in person from the site. There are meetup cuddle groups around the US and pro cuddler sites.

October 2016

Here are my personal tips for anyone who is considering trying platonic cuddling:

Tip 1: It’s generally a smart idea to meet the person in a public place a few times before arranging a time to get together and have some cuddles. You could even bring a friend if that helps you to feel safer – or at least let someone know when and where you will be meeting them.

It’s an important precaution so you can get a feel for the individual and see whether you would feel comfortable. I advise that people go with their gut feeling on this one.

Tip 2: Communicate openly about what you like and don’t like, and what you are/are not comfortable with. At the start it’s often good to ask for permission before you do anything, though over time it’s likely that you will both get to know what the other person prefers and it won’t be necessary to ask all the time.

Tip 3: In order to prevent things getting sexual, it’s generally best to cuddle with clothes on, avoid discussing sexual topics while cuddling, and don’t watch movies together with strong sexual themes. Also, it’s wise not to cuddle while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Tip 4: It’s a good idea to communicate your boundaries before meeting people, as this helps to clarify your intentions and weed out people looking for a hook up or romantic date. A good rule of thumb is no touching of the breasts (for women), genitals, and bottom – and no kissing on the lips.

Tip 5: If you don’t know the person, it often helps to start by watching some movies together (either at the cinema or at one of your homes) as it gives you both something to focus on and makes it a bit less awkward.

Tip 6: Think about what you will do if things don’t work out well and you don’t want to continue being cuddle buddies. It’s important to have strong boundaries and to be able to say no if you don’t want to continue.

Tip 7: Remember that some feelings of arousal and/or attraction are perfectly normal, especially if you have gone a long time with very little physical touch. I would advise you find an open-minded and accepting close friend, mentor or therapist to help you talk through your experiences and process your feelings.

Tip 8: Be patient when looking for a cuddle buddy, whether you’re searching online or through your existing friendship networks. It actually took me ten months to find my current cuddle buddy, but it was well worth the wait!

Many people find one or more cuddles buddies more quickly, though it will probably vary depending on the size of the town/city you live in and how specific your preferences are.

For more tips, check out the article "How to Ask Someone to be Your Cuddle Buddy": https://www.jordangrayconsulting.com/2015/12/how-to-ask-someone-to-be-your-cuddle-buddy/

October 2016

Here are four more tips:

Tip 9: If possible, it’s usually best to have more
than one cuddle buddy, to reduce feelings of exclusivity in the
relationship and to avoid becoming overly dependent on one person.
Platonic cuddle buddies are by nature a low-commitment relationship, so
it’s a good idea to have other people to turn to in case your cuddle
buddy moves away, suddenly becomes very busy, or doesn’t want to
continue cuddling for any reason.

Tip 10: If you have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment
style and you haven’t had much touch for quite a while, you may find
that starting a cuddle buddy relationship triggers more feelings of
anxiety and touch hunger at first. This was my experience, and it can be
difficult if your cuddle buddy doesn’t need as much touch or regular
contact as you do. Again, it’s a good idea to have a trusted friend,
mentor or therapist to confide in and process these feelings.

Tip 11: It’s best to try to find someone with
similar needs – because if you want to meet twice a week and they only
want to see you every month or two (or vice versa), it could be
challenging. It may still be workable, but it’s not as easy or enjoyable
as when the desired frequency of contact is mutual and
reciprocal. Thankfully my first cuddle buddy was in the same boat as me,
as we both wanted to meet up fairly often. Also, it could be difficult
if you have conflicting schedules, so it works better if you both tend
to be free on the same days and times of the week.

Tip 12: If you want to keep things purely platonic,
it’s probably easier to choose someone you wouldn’t naturally be
attracted to. That’s not to say it’s impossible if you cuddle someone of
the gender you are attracted to, but there will be more built-in
frustration and you will have to be more careful about boundaries. So if
you’re a heterosexual woman, it may be simpler to only cuddle with
other women or gay men. If you’re a gay guy, it may be worth
considering cuddling with a female or straight male friend.

See more here: http://www.feelingintuitive.com/

HugCuddle · October 2016

Safety tips (esp. for women cuddling with men):

Tip 13. Talk to the guy for a few days before cuddling. If the conversation becomes sexual,
then you might want to consider someone else.

Tip 14. When cuddling with someone new, have a friend sit quietly in the same room, or in the next room (with an open door).

Tip 15. When meeting in a public place, take a pic of his driver’s license, or have him send the photo before you meet.

Tip 16. Take a pic of his license plate.

Tip 17. Run a background check on him. (This is probably too expensive to do for every guy, but it’s an option).

October 2016

Depending on where you live, court records may be public. They are here in Maryland and I've utilized their judiciary website many times, including prior to meeting cuddlers. A few times, it has paid off by alerting me to potential concerns (theft and drug charges) and other times have turned up little to nothing. If you live in a state where these records are free to view online, it's a very useful resource that I highly recommend. I am also open to give anyone my legal first and last name to research should we be discussing a meeting, since I have nothing to hide.

October 2016

I have some great advice, leave now while you can lol :-)

docgatorb · October 2016

@Morpheus before someone actually touches you!

October 2016

Sunflower, that is a great list of tips and an excellent contribution to the CC community. I actually enjoy that we are still small in number. Though it is sad to see profiles who have been inactive for months and years, our smaller honest community lends well to avoiding all the bot accounts that plague many of the online dating/meetup community.

Moviefan, you are very correct in advising caution and care but you miiiight just be overstepping the line. I understand many people have walls and difficulty trusting, but you probably don't need to be running so many background checks. That might scare off some truly decent folks.

All the best, everyone.
-PJ

AKnightOfGondor · November 2016

Thank you all for the excellent tips and to all others that have participated with the conversation! I will be sure to keep those in mind!

MrPapaveraceae · November 2016

That's awesome Sunflowerfield, thanks!

November 2016

You're welcome @PJLion and @MrPapaveraceae! Glad you found the tips useful.

November 2016

I also agree that @moviefan's tips seem a bit extreme to me.

I think there are plenty of other reasonable precautions such as meeting up with the person in a public place 1-3 times before cuddling with them, going to see a movie at the cinema and cuddling there rather than at home, and even bringing a friend with you the first time you meet them if that helps you feel safer. If you go alone, it's good to notify a friend/family member where you're going and what time.

November 2016

I think I would be freaked out if a potential cuddler did tips 14, 15, 16 and 17 :-|

Mailleweaver · November 2016

It is unfortunate but reasonable for people to be afraid of each other these days. It seems like a good idea to me for people to exchange pictures of their driver's licenses or plates to leave with friends or family the first few times you meet up so it's known where to start an investigation if you miss your check-in after the scheduled meeting. But don't leave the picture on the cell phone that you take with you; it can't do much good there.

You could even use the activity as a way to break the ice by talking about how silly people tend to look in ID photos, about some ridiculous experience you had while renewing your license or plates, or about your relationship with the person you're leaving the picture with. If both people choose to be open to sharing, then even strange, awkward things like trading driver's licenses can turn into a way to build rapport and trust instead of just being awkward.

Background checks seem extreme, but if you're cuddling with someone registered here then be sure to use the karma tab on each others profiles to give some feedback to the community about the person. That can act in the stead of a background check as people build a reputation in the community, and it will make it less scary for someone else who might want to cuddle with that person (or you) later.

Public feedback can also help people become better cuddlers. If you or they find some less than positive feedback on their karma tab that was just too scary or uncomfortable to talk about face to face, there is an opportunity to become aware of possible problems and address them for future cuddles. An example could be that maybe someone doesn't know their hands go out of bounds when they're asleep. In that case, feedback can let them know to avoid situations that would let them go to sleep or to ask their cuddle buddies to keep them awake. Or it can make you aware of something you may want to talk with them about if you consider cuddling with them.

Communication is good for everyone except those intentionally causing problems. Just communicate with each other (both with cuddle buddies and with the community.) If someone won't communicate, then just drop them and communicate with someone more honestly open.

November 2016

I only realized through reading in this thread but the need for more legit cuddle buddies is great. I assumed I'd be able to find someone I fit well with in a short amoun of time but that is near impossible I see. Should I wait it out? Has no one had this same experience?

November 2016

Leaving karma on here is very important. I'm quite sure that most people don't do it and I'm sure most people won't leave karma if it's negative because they're afraid the person will turn around and leave them negative karma. The positive reviews will help others decide though whether or not they want to cuddle with that person.

November 2016

My advice for someone that is new here is to only post cuddle related posts in the "Cuddle" Forums.

November 2016

My advice is to be polite. Nothing chases people of off a site quicker than being a hater just because they exist. lol

November 2016

^ Agreed

Mark · November 2016

At this time it's fine to post non-cuddle forum topics that encourage friendly discussion.

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Any advice for someone that is new here?

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