Navigating being around a No contact parent or other family member ....

MeltMyWayMeltMyWay
in General

This is a new type of forum post for me and I'm being really vulnerable here.

Has anyone here gone no contact with a parent or close family member and then had to be around them again because of a funeral, wedding, or some other family event you couldn’t really avoid?

How did you prepare yourself for that?

I’m asking because I’m about to be in that position, and I’m realizing I don’t know how I’m going to feel when I actually see them.

I went no contact for a reason. It wasn’t impulsive, and it wasn’t easy. There was a lot behind that decision, and I’ve worked hard to create distance and protect myself. I don’t want to reopen the relationship or undo the boundaries I’ve put in place.

But grief and family have a way of putting people back in the same room.

Part of me thinks I can just be polite, keep my distance, focus on why I’m there, and get through it. Another part of me is scared that seeing them in person is going to bring up things I thought I had gotten better at carrying.

And I hate that I even have to think about this when I’m already going home to Detroit because someone died.

For anyone who has been through it — what helped you? Did you decide ahead of time what you would or wouldn’t say? Did you avoid them completely? Have someone stay close to you? Give yourself permission to leave if it became too much?

And when you finally saw them again… was it as hard as you thought it would be?

It's been 7 years since I went no contact with my father.

I’m not looking for advice about reconciling. I’m just trying to figure out how to walk into that room, protect my peace, and still have enough of myself left to grieve and be there for the people I love. I haven't slept in 2 days and I think it's more than being upset about losing my sister in law, I feel a lot of anxiety.

Comments

  • JubalJubal

    Practical answer is that it's often easier to have 'formal' social contact in public settings like this with a person who you would otherwise not interact with at all. i.e. If you have to interact at all, a simple "thank you for coming", followed by "excuse me, please" and walk away.

  • AutumnGratitudeAutumnGratitude

    As per @Jubal and sending You Love and be with You in my thoughts 💖 You got this beautiful soul @MeltMyWay 🫂💖🌅

  • BearBear

    Not immediate family. Just cousins and an aunt and uncle. The cousin just reached out recently. I’m not sure how to respond.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    Good advice thank you. That's how I had dealt with him the 20 years prior to no contact at all.

    However, this person in the past) has tried to take advantage of public situations by forcing a conversation and physically cornering me and making it about them. This is someone I am still frozen in fear of.
    In the past I have avoided weddings, birthdays and other events ... But this one I need to be there for my niece and nephew and my brother.

  • mauvefoxmauvefox

    I'm so sorry. this is so hard, and what you're describing as far as the fear/frozen reaction is very real. And how brave of you to go in support of your loved ones in the midst of this.

    Are their other safe people in the family/friends who will be there, who are aware of the situation with this person, and who are not immediately involved in the event itself (because they will be too busy).
    If there are, can you enlist their aide in this, to try to be watchful for you, to notice if this person has you cornered and can come and get you.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    @mauvefox I put about 2,500 miles between me and everyone about 4 years ago. And haven't been home since. Not really sure as far as friends form the past. My best friend is getting married the day before the funeral so he won't be available... He is who would normally be there for me. And my next closest friends have since moved out of state as well. My other sis n law will be there. I was just thinking that I will prob just hang with all the kids. That's actually what ended up happening last time I was somewhere he was because it got really ugly. The 2 of my brothers whom are normally my buffer will be in too much grief I won't put it on them.

  • CuddlesWithCatCuddlesWithCat

    Honestly it’s hard but just trying to block out feelings emotionally, like the grey rock method. It’s the best against abusers and toxic people especially if you can’t avoid them.

  • IsMeArrgghIsMeArrggh

    You don’t owe them anything and are not obligated to talk to them or give them your time. You are not wrong in your decision or how you feel. You treat them with regular respect any human receives from you by simply acknowledging them when they approach you and or say a brief hello but they deserve nothing else from you. Simply excuse yourself and move to another area if need be. Remember that you deserve peace and respect. Good luck and I’ll be sending good vibes your way.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    Thank you to everyone who's responded. I'll be running around crazy today getting packed and trying up things here. Last minute trip for 3 plus weeks is a lot to prepare for. I will be reading everything over next few days but wanted to thank all of you and thank you all for the personal.messages as well. I will get back to everyone 🫂

  • TXFrankTXFrank

    @MeltMyWay Condolences on your loss.

    My late ex-wife was toxic, and it was always a balancing act to be around her. When I had to be (e.g., granddaughters HS graduation). When my older son got married 12 years ago, I knew the wedding itself would be okay, but there was concern about the reception. I really wanted to be there, but was afraid of her causing a scene and ruining a special occasion. My sister-in-law and my other 3 adult children sat her down and told her to be on her best behavior, and stay away from me, and it prevented any major problems.

    I agree with the above advice that the best scenario is to avoid contact as much as you can, keep any you can’t avoid short and formal. I’d add maintain your boundaries, and do your best to stay amongst groups of people. If he tries to “cut you out of the herd” to talk alone, refuse.

    I pray your travels go smoothly, and that you are able to be there for your niece, nephew and brother.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    Thank you

  • ahumanahuman

    Avoiding only makes anxiety and all the bad stress built in your body worse. You have set boundaries, stick to them.

    My first thought was to not get cornered. As mentioned above Grey rock 'till death!

    TRE(trauma releasing exercises) yoga, pre-trip, plenty of it to help release the trauma and stress built up inside. Let things pass, ground yourself and feel as it gets released.

    Once in the a space with the person, I like to think about how miserable they are and how much better my life is without them. I laugh everytime I see them trying to get attention, knowing how much they need it in anyway they can get it. Keep emtions in check infront of them, give them nothing they are looking for.

    As you feel anxiety rising, ground yourself, breathe, remind yourself you will get through this.

    Ruminating thoughts always go through my head before and thousands of scenarios, what I would say, what they would as well. Learn to let go. You can't control them, only how you react to them.

    Best of luck, you got this, safe travels and enjoy your trip.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    Thank you

  • GroundingLightGroundingLight

    @MeltMyWay
    First, girl I’m from Detroit too! 🤗
    Second, take your power back. There’s a part of you still allowing him to have so much of it over you.
    Message me! Id love to talk. I can help. ♥️

  • BR123BR123

    I’m no contact with my family as well. The only exception is my oldest sister, because she went no contact with the same people that I went no contact with.

    I can’t speak for her, but no contact for me includes funerals, get-togethers, hospital visits, death beds, weddings, etc. And this goes both ways.

    That may appear cold to some people, but I was sort of primed for it. I don’t celebrate holidays or birthdays, including my own. I bury myself in various projects for years at a time. And I’ve always lived a fairly nomadic life.

    I don’t know what your spiritual practices/beliefs are, but I believe in reincarnation. So, to me, all of that family nonsense is a trap to enrapture a person’s emotions and eventually their soul. I told my younger sister, when you die and see family members on the other side, even if it’s me, go the other direction, lol. Because, when family is weighed against eternity, it just doesn’t move the needle. Yet, parents and society likes to make you think that it does in order to keep the machine going. However, to me, family is just something to make this carnal journey a little bearable. But, the moment it becomes insufferable, my mindset is to get rid of it totally and completely.

    The key for me is not doing it out of bitterness, animosity, or any other negative or dense emotion. So, I’ve deduced that the world only requires a penis and a vagina in order to get us here. Everything else is a bonus. If the penis is attached to a father, that’s a bonus. If the vagina is attached to a mother, that’s a bonus. But, a dad who isn’t fatherly is just a sperm donor, and a mom who isn’t motherly is just an incubator. Not accepting who’s who, and what’s what is where a lot of people’s issues stem from. (Not you personally, but generally speaking).

  • JojoGriffJojoGriff
    edited September 22

    Sending you lots of love and support. I know it is better to face our fears, but it doesn't mean you cant choose the terms for how that happens and what that looks like...

    Cultivating allies within the space and group is always helpful and important... focus on the love and support you can offer to the people who are there that are close to you... your niece and nephew and your brother. Your willingness to put in all this effort for them is beautiful.

    Focus on those opportunities and embrace them. Intentionally choose what you dwell and ruminate upon in this time to prepare... on enjoying face to face time with all the folks you're looking forward to seeing and supporting. Consider how you want to show up and be present for all of those people. We get to curate who and what occupies our conscious thoughts. Do you want to walk into those rooms full of fear and anxiety about interacting with your father? Or do you want to walk into those rooms filled with love and gratitude for all the family and people you'll have there that you care for, who are going to be so happy to see you? It's a skill we build through practice... we can't always control the thoughts that pop into our heads, but we can choose the ones we spend time focusing on... we can build more helpful neural pathways.

    And it sounds like you're already building your own game plan... Play with the kids... stay close to your people... Give yourself permission to leave if it becomes too much... all constructive helpful solutions... talk it thru with people you trust and more will come... and use whatever solutions you need to get some sleep... we all need sleep to function... give yourself permission to do whatever you need to so you can get your rest...
    Building a support network who will be present, or available on your phone... you don't have to carry this yourself... you're a beautiful caring person who (obviously... here alone!) has many people who want to show up for you... any way you choose... let them... embrace the love and support you've cultivated... 🙏 🤗 💛

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    I've been no/minimal contact with a good portion of my family for several years now, and it was long overdue. Unfortunately, it's also meant more distance from the healthier, safer people in my family, because I refuse to be manipulated into attending events just because "we're family," and everyone's time to socialize is limited as it is. I've gradually accepted that the people who care to maintain a relationship will, even across distance and time - and the ones who are ambivalent won't. 🤷🏻‍♀️

    I'm dreading when my 96-year-old grandfather passes. He and my dad are the two worst offenders in my family, and the two I struggled hardest to cut ties with. After years of reinforcing boundaries, grey rocking, and finally just not responding at all, they've seemed to accept that I'll come back when I'm ready - though they still clearly don't understand why I put the distance there in the first place. I know that when my grandfather dies, the manipulation and guilt trips will start up in full force again. Honestly, I've been considering not attending at all. It's not worth the stress and mental health backsliding in the name of maintaining relationships that aren't worth it and aren't willing to meet me halfway. I can privately grieve the good memories without having to publicly perform for others while gritting my teeth through backhanded comments and outright verbal attacks.

    Whatever you decide, do it for yourself - not in the name of "family," history, nostalgia, or societal expectations. If I do end up going, I'll bring an anchor person to help me hold my boundaries and not let the bullying get to me. I'll also have an early exit strategy, and I'll likely escape to a bathroom or other quiet room if needed. I'd also schedule time with my therapist before and after, as well as dedicated quality time with my loved ones away from the stress. Those of us who grew up in chaotic, dysfunctional, or abusive homes know how easy it is to slip back into old unhealthy patterns - especially when tired, stressed, or when old triggers are used against us. Take care of yourself first, and let other people's opinions be their problem, not yours.

    Blood family isn't automatically the best family. Found and chosen family can be just as meaningful, if not more so. I've been actively choosing to focus on the people who show up for me, rather than the ones who'd rather leverage blood ties for their own gain and self gratification.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    Gentle hugs for your loss. 🧸

    I agree with those who say if he approaches you, half a civil sentence and then extract yourself immediately. Ideally, you would be with someone who can help, but you already said that isn't really possible.

    I am no-contact with my dad, and he came to my grandma's viewing. My mom was in contact with him, and told me when he would arrive. I left twenty minutes prior and went shopping until they said he was gone. Then I rejoined the family. I was lucky that he didn't come to the funeral. I understand it's a different scenario.

    I've had many nightmares where he shows up, and generally what my unconscious mind does is not give eye contact, and leave. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, in reality. Proud of you!

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    I am grateful and overcome by everyone's support ... Thank you all 🫂🫂🫂

  • AngelNextDoorAngelNextDoor
    edited September 23

    I am so sorry for your loss, and that you're having to navigate this on top of it. That is a lot for anyone to carry. And the fact that you still have the courage and grace to even attempt to show up, knowing that someone who represents such a painful part of your past will be there — potentially reopening old wounds even if they're on their absolute best behavior — makes you a legitimate badass, in my opinion. 🤍

    I was the first person in my family to go no-contact with my mother. Thankfully, everyone has since followed suit, but unfortunately, that wasn't the case yet when my brother died. I had already been no-contact with her for years, and suddenly I was faced with having to see her at his funeral.

    My family has historically been much more comfortable sweeping things under the rug than actually addressing them, so on top of grieving my brother, I had to deal with a LOT of “you should reconcile with your mother” and people trying to make me feel guilty about her loss while I was still trying to process my own. At the same time, I was trying to be a rock for my father, who was quite literally disintegrating in real time. It was a lot.

    Thankfully, my father's side of the family had already quietly orchestrated interference in advance. They essentially ran interception anytime she attempted to come near us. That was originally at my father's request because he genuinely couldn't bear to be around her at the time.

    Ultimately, my father chose to graciously acknowledge her and give her a hug. I did not.

    And I think that's the biggest thing I took away from that experience: grief does not erase the reasons you went no-contact. A funeral does not create an obligation to reconcile.

    You are allowed to decide what you need in order to get through an already devastating day. That might mean acknowledging them. It might mean a brief interaction. It might mean having trusted people run interference so you never have to interact at all. None of those choices makes your grief, your boundaries, or your reason for being there any less valid.

    If you do decide to go, having people who know the situation and are willing to physically stay near you and intercept on your behalf was invaluable for me. It meant I didn't have to spend the entire funeral monitoring the room or preparing myself for an unwanted interaction. I could focus on why I was actually there.

    You don't owe anyone a reconciliation arc just because you're sharing a room during a tragedy. 🤍

  • VibeSeekerVibeSeeker
    edited September 23

    Jubal advice sounds pretty good to me having several no contact family members. I did see one at a family funeral last year. I was cordial but did not make any attempts to engage further than the quick hello and such

  • sin67sin67

    Hello meltmyway. I keep thing very simple and focus at the moment. I don’t think stead if the meeting because I makeup things that might never happen n then mess up my time that I might never get back. So I let the moment decide for itself. I keep my nerves firm n don’t relent to emotions. Emotions makes you loose self control. Stay in control at all times. Say hello to everyone and slowly sneak away. May be after meeting your family you might decide to keep in touch with a few of them. People n emotions n feelings change as one matures. Take life easy. One step at a time. Hope you have a decent weekend with the family. Will keep you in my prayers.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    Thank you so much everyone I appreciate you all. All y'all's advice has truly helped me this week. I started out filled with anxiety and y'all showing care and giving great advice and some of you reaching out personally. ... All.of you have eased my anxiety some. I'm certain Friday and Saturday will go smoother because of y'all
    Thank you thank you thank you 🫂🫂🫂

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