When to report, as opposed to just being aware

muddlemandmuddlemand
in General

I'm used to this and other networks and I know why asking to chat off-site too soon can be a red flag. But it can also be perfectly innocent, especially from a newbie who isn't familiar with this kind of site. For this reason I keep chat on site until I feel we're getting to know each other at least a bit - but I don't report just for offering to move to WhatsApp/wherever too early.

Should I? When a stranger who's only just joined messages asking my availability (I'm not a professional), it's a nuisance but not their fault so I explain. When they give their phone number in the second message, I generally say I don't share mine with strangers. But at that point would you report? If yes, what reason to select; it isn't (yet!) non-platonic and certainly isn't abusive language etc.

Obviously if early messages mention "finding the one" or hoping for a romantic relationship etc etc, that's non-platonic. Again, I explain, but I do then report. This is different, this is only a phone number shared.

Also, in profiles - if a phone number, or kik/Instagram/Telegram/Signal username is in a profile, is this reportable? Even in the extended FAQ I can't find this, but I from memory I thought it was warned against somewhere. I also tried editing my profile to see if that made guidelines visible, but no.

I don't want to get anyone into trouble, let alone banned, whose intentions are good. If they're under a misapprehension they aren't to blame! they may choose to leave once they're better informed, and realise it isn't what they were expecting, but reporting is a different matter.

Comments

  • disneysamuraidisneysamurai
    edited November 1

    It’s against the rules to exchange personal contact information until both of you agree to have a session through the booking mechanism. I definitely see it as a red flag if someone wants you to contact them off the site without setting something up first.

    That rule only applies to professional providers. She is not a pro. - BlueIris

  • AdentoAdento

    yeah I get spooked and uncomfortable fast when that happens. I can see how that can be innocent especially when you’re not doing it professionally. That said, when someone has your contact info it’s harder to discontinue communication if you find out they do want something that you don’t.

    I would just give a friendly suggestion that they get to know you a little better before taking things off-site. I think the red flag after that would be pushing or refusing.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod
    edited November 1

    @muddlemand It is not against any rule for two enthusiasts to exchange numbers at any time. If someone is insistent about moving the chat offsite right away, you may consider that a personal red flag. I myself consider it a red flag for various reasons. Why would someone who only wants to engage in innocent getting-to-know-you chat be in such a crashing hurry to take it off site? It usually indicates someone who wants to speak about things that are against site rules.

    If you have set a boundary that you don't want to do that and the other person is disregarding your "no" and being pushy about chatting offsite, that's an acceptable reason to report. I think you're wise to withhold your number until you get to know the person better.

    Yes, listing methods of contacting someone offsite on their profile is against the rules and should be reported. It only results in an advisory being sent and the information removed from their profile.

    I appreciate your not wanting to get anyone into trouble, but no one gets into major trouble from minor infractions. Mods do investigate thoroughly before taking action. Whether anyone gets into trouble is based on a broad knowledge of their rulebreaking behavior, often from multiple sources, and the account history.

  • muddlemandmuddlemand

    @BlueIris thanks, yes, I was going to say that 🙂

  • muddlemandmuddlemand

    @Adento yes definitely if they take it badly. Most simply hadn't thought of that possibility and thank me for pointing it out. To me, when it hasn't occurred to them that's a minor green flag! Because it would occur to predators/scanners,you know the "doth protest too much"and reaction.

  • muddlemandmuddlemand

    And @BlueIris (again - this reply system is so clunky!), can you link to the rule against contact details in the profile? I couldn't find it. I also wouldn't know what reason to select when reporting; I thought contact details would be one of the options, maybe it used to be? but this morning it wasn't.

  • DeathbyChocolatDeathbyChocolat

    I've been here for a while and I've been on this site for a while as a professional it's to your preference because people do this very often but if you feel weird you're boundaries are not everybody else's boundaries follow the rules

  • MrPaulMrPaul

    I offer to optionally continue chatting on another platform that’s mutually acceptable, simply because this site doesn’t offer voice or video chat or even real time text communication unless you keep the website page open. I’m not in a rush, but it’s like emailing here.

  • muddlemandmuddlemand

    @DeathbyChocolat I think I missed your reply - yes, I do move off site as soon as I'm sure they're "real" and that we communicate reasonably well. This site isn't great for messaging. I'm not a professional but at some point you have to move to WhatsApp or similar. But not in the first or second message, that's way too soon to have a feel for how we'll get along. (Especially for meeting, we may need to use our phones to find each other when we get there.)

    If I was a professional I don't think I'd mind people skipping straight to contact details, but then I'd have a button "Book" and it would probably be less about whether we click.

    The reason going off site straight away is a red flag (for most people and on all sites, not just here) is that if anything turns nasty, messages kept on site are viewable by the mods. Also deleting their profile as soon as they've got you off site makes it almost impossible to report,, if it becomes necessary, and that leaves them free to scam any number of others which the site wants to prevent.

    On the personal level, it isn't usually a problem but if I say not yet and they get annoyed, at least they've made it an easy decision! (Conversely, refusing a voice call/video chat can be a warning sign. But leaping to that without any chat just feels weird.)

    (I once chatted with someone that I eventually realised wasn't in my country , but they were pretending to be 30 miles from me; it gradually became obvious they didn't know the area at all. If we'd had a voice call I think it would have been obvious.

    I also once explained to a contact that getting to a coffee shop isn't an hour out of my day but a whole day out of my week (I'm rural) - he suggested he pick me up, and I had no say I'd be an idiot to get in his car the first time we met, but the fact it hadn't occurred to him almost felt like a green flag. And he took it very well once the point was made.

    I have to say that a woman, not long ago, in her first message asked my availability on a specific day as she'd be passing through - after the usual "I'm not a professional" I suggested we chat and she tool offence. I pointed out that I could be an axe murderer for all she knew, gave some tips about red flags and personal safety, and suggested she look through these forums, and she replied that she was reporting me as non-platonic (I think because I'd said not everyone has pure intentions)! So, another reason for chatting a while before the next step! I never did work out how she thought cuddling can be physical only without a sense of being friendly.)

  • muddlemandmuddlemand

    @MrPaul Agreed, it becomes necessary at some point. But not in message 2, not before getting at least an idea of the other person?

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @muddlemand
    I think you're going about this perfectly. You inform, don't report unnecessarily, and you gauge their reaction to the information. This is exactly what I do, emphasis on the watching their reaction part.

    If they immediately apologize and never ask again, it was just a lack of knowing site norms/rules. If they get angry, make demands, or give any number of ridiculous reasons why you should comply, then that tells you everything you need to know (not least of which is that they don't respect boundaries).

    As for them asking your availability, technically that doesn't imply you're a Pro, but yes, tons of guys miss the fact that some of us choose to remain enthusiasts. I get requests to book a session all the time, and even have female Pro's reach out asking me for advice in the industry. I just kindly let them all know I'm an enthusiast and I don't charge.

    Regarding the contact info sharing on a profile, the guidelines of this site are in a mess of six different places (literally - Terms & Conditions, Cuddler Contract, Client Agreement, Forum Rules, FAQ, & Extended FAQ). The closest I believe there is on this subject is here in the Client Agreement under Use of Website:

    "You are only permitted to exchange contact information (e.g. phone and email) after confirming a session using the booking panel."

    https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/terms/client-service-agreement

    I have always taken this to mean no contact info should be in any enthusiast's profile, because that is often a way to try to get Pro's to contact them off-site without a booking. I do report this, and it's simply removed - it won't get anyone banned.

    You're doing great! 😊

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • muddlemandmuddlemand

    @SunsetSnuggles, your second paragraph is exactly my attitude so thank you for reassuring me. It's just a question of gauging it, isn't it. I still can't find the rule as applicable to non-professionals, but given that rule for professionals your conclusion makes sense IMHO. And never mind, as long as over-reporting isn't going to cause anyone problems I'll probably err on the side of caution from now on.

    Thank you 🙂

  • DeathbyChocolatDeathbyChocolat

    I must state that I was a non-professional for a long time, back when I was younger than I am now. Therefore, I require engaging in conversation and seeing photos before transitioning off-site. Please keep in mind that the platform was not as refined in the past; certain features were not even available, and policies have since been updated as needed—often because it takes only one bad apple to disrupt the environment. No offense is intended toward anyone engaged in sex work, but that is not something I do. Consequently, if your intention involves anything beyond cuddling with me, I will report you immediately.
    Men often know when they are behaving inappropriately, as half of these individuals only seek to cuddle with women. In my view, if the true purpose is fostering connection and community, neither gender nor age should matter; that is my perspective. Furthermore, some individuals attempt to employ reverse psychology to see what they can get away with, particularly targeting those who may be less inclined to articulate their limits. For this reason, it is essential to stand firm on your boundaries. Ask admin if this feels inappropriate I literally cannot stand when people message me like this is a dating site do not be being flirty with me be acting like you're booking an appointment to get your nails done or your hair done or a barber appointment because that's essentially what it is this is an act of service. There's a difference between joking and being flirty I am not anal.

  • iguanacuddleiguanacuddle

    As someone who has offered to chat on WhatsApp in my initial message here are my thoughts. We are all connected to a thousand different apps and services already. In my area I have reached out to many of the people who have been online within about a month or so, and also some further back in the year. I think if I really want the best chance to connect with someone it would be on another chatting platform they already potentially use.

    Now, despite my strong desire for connection and really hoping to find some cuddle buddies sooner, I make it a point to keep the message casual and no/low pressure as I don't want anyone to feel like I'm trying to be pushy when I truly am not. If someone told me they would rather chat on here that would be the end of the WhatsApp conversation right there.

    My problem i suppose is that I haven't gotten many replies back from locals online recently, and so maybe my logic behind communication is flawed. :p

  • MrPaulMrPaul

    @muddlemand I agree, a couple of messages at least before going off to another chat service is fine. Eventually I want to either hear a voice or better still have a video chat before making plans to meet. It’s a lot more difficult for scammers or bad actors to fake a voice or video call, so for me it’s the quickest way to weed them out.