Cuddling and Assisted Suicide

edited March 2019 in General

Greetings, friends and enemies. I have an entirely hypothetical question to ask you all. While I’m especially interested in hearing the thoughts of professional cuddlers, I’d appreciate any input.

In the United States, physician-assisted death is legal in eight jurisdictions: California, Colorado, District of Columbia, Hawaii, Montana, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington.

Unfortunately, assisted suicide is restricted to those who are terminally ill, or are suffering a great deal. With that restriction in mind, here is my question:

Would you cuddle with someone who, in short order, would have their life ended by a doctor?

If you are a professional: how much money would compel you to perform this grim service?

If you’re an enthusiast, would you even consider doing such a thing with a stranger—or would you need to know the individual?

(Of course, these questions also apply to those in other countries.)

(Let’s also assume that there’s no legal red tape for this act. The dying only needs to show interest in some manner—through speech, or through a written note prior to their physical/mental deterioration.)

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    Interesting hypothetical.

    I wouldn't have any objection to easing someone else's passage from this life. (I'd just want to make sure the doctor didn't get confused about who was doing what!) I expect someone in that situation would prefer a friend to a stranger, but I'd consider cuddling anyone who wanted to cuddle at the end of their life just the same as I do anyone who wants to cuddle before they reach their deathbed.

  • @DarrenWalker

    Your kindness is one of the many reasons why I adore you. God bless your heart.

  • I am so fascinated by this topic, thank you for sharing! A big passion project I'm looking to develop is a non-profit service to cuddle elderly folks in nursing homes, hospitals, etc. People who are sick and "old" generally receive very little comforting touch, especially those who don't have family to support them. I would absolutely love to cover this in my future company, although I don't have an answer for you now for my current practice as a lone woman with a solo business. I can't imagine I would have any hangups about it mentally speaking, but I also haven't considered any/all logistics regarding this particular situation. My only concern would be my own physical health of course, as any type of contagious and fatal illness would be less than desirable... Other than that, death is nothing to fear, and I don't see it as grim, it is simply another aspect of life. Why shouldn't those going through such an intense and possibly scary event feel loved and safe? Fantastic thought, thanks again for the share :)

  • edited March 2019

    A bit difficult to answer.

    In terms of A.S. my thoughts on it are unclear. My feelings are also uneasy. Though, I think I can separate my views from my ability to help provide another comfort. In a case like this, although I considered people I don't know, I think I have to know them well. They got to be non smokers, as well.

    Though, just recently, I've been thinking about just helping to comfort babies. Especially, babies that don't have families. İ did have that experience once that I stopped a baby/toddler(?) from crying by patting their back, etc. İ was said to be the "baby whisperer." İt was like at a summer camp place. The baby was given their meds, fed, taken care of. Though, was missing that nurturing touch, and I was able to provide them. It also made me happy. So, something I hope to someday start doing more.

    @hogboblin what about you, how would you answer your own question?

  • edited March 2019

    @inparadise

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the matter. I think that your approach to this scenario (and your stance on death) is admirable.

    @Lovelight

    It’s a difficult situation, to put it lightly, and I could understand how one might be uneasy about it. I don’t think I’d be cut out for it myself. Simply put: unless I knew the person, I’d likely have difficulty meeting their needs. I wouldn’t want to come off as cold or indifferent.

  • Wooow. Now this is a topic!

    I don't have hang ups on cuddling those in this case. Stranger or not. My personal concern is that this now becomes a sense of martyrdom and I can see someone boasting that they "cuddled the uncuddleable" (not quite a word, but I hope it still makes sense).

    I would mostly be concerned that the person going through assisted suicide would be treated as a girl Scout badge rather that a person seeking connections which may be too human of a concept to feel the true gravity of the situation.

    Even after saying that, I now question my intent. My heart says "absolutely! Show this hypothetical person the love they deserve!", but in the back of my mind I still wonder "Are you doing it for the right reasons? Is it the person or the idea of the person the reason you would say yes?"

    I would also think that this person would prefer that this would be someone they knew also, but if for some reason there is a wish for a stranger to be there, then so be it.

    In summary, the real answer is I don't know, but I hope that I am the type of person that would and I aim to be the person that would whole-heartedly.

  • @hogboblin yes, that was part of my concern, as well. Does one go in there with a smile. Does one go there with neutral expression, with sadness throughout, how... I suppose, beginning with neutral, and letting them be the guide can help. Though, how well one can control their emotions, expressions, etc. is also important. Though, then in some ways I'd feel like an actor matching the mood of the other, etc. Somewhat possibly tossing, and catching eggshells. So, things like that can be a bit of a hurdle. Other than that, anybody that's comfortable, and can do, I think it's wonderful.

    @laylanie that's cool. While many would prefer their loved one/s. I think some might not even have someone so, anybody able to provide that comfort there most likely is a need.

  • [Deleted User]SoulcuddlerZ (deleted user)
    edited March 2019

    I must say... this is indeed a very interesting topic, and more pressing as I think of it. Being selected to cuddle with someone and provide comfort to ease that person's passing can be a privilege. It can be a somber and joyful moment at the same time, depending on how one looks at it.

    Anyway, I'll temporarily sticky this thread for 24+ hours as of 15 MAR 2019 07:53 EDT.

    EDIT: Sticky removed as of 17 MAR 2019 15:40 EDT.

  • I work in the hospice field, and am around terminal people as well as those who are actively dying. I have been to the homes of people just after having passed multiple times, and have been present as the person has passed before, holding their hand or hand of their loved ones, or sometimes both. I am not sure where my head is on the subject of cuddling someone as they are passing due to assisted suicide, which is what i gather from OP post is what is being asked. I know it is very important to continue to provide talk/touch thoughout the dying process with person as well as family. It helps a lot in the bereavement process and in coping with grief. Good topic. I had topics like this in mind when i started the thread on arguments and debates. Great idea for a topic and thought provoking @hogboblin

  • @laylanie

    Ideally, the imminently deceased would be comforted, or made happier, whether or not the cuddler’s motivation is altruistic. Of course, that can’t really be guaranteed with enthusiasts. But, I can totally see some professionals filling that niche—which would be entirely sensible, fine, and worth special compensation.

    @SoulcuddlerZ

    Thanks for pinning the thread. I feel as if I’ve finally contributed something of worth to the forum!

  • I don't think I would have a problem with cuddling with someone who is making the transition between being alive and dead. It seems silly to cuddle with someone who is dead but when you are cuddling, I guess there is some sort of connection made and I think I would have a hard time letting go. At the end of a cuddle session, it's difficult to just up and leave. I would want to stay until the moment felt right even if the person isn't alive anymore. Also at the end of a cuddle session, there is always some sort of closing of that connection that needs to be done by both people. Imagine you're cuddling someone and they up and vanish. That would make the session feel incomplete. My worry would be that these unended connections would build up over time and cause problems. Being around a lot of death probably isn't good for the long term psyche either. There tends to be a high depression/suicide rate among doctors and paramedics that I assume is associated with the above phenomenon.

  • Having recently gone through the suicide of my dad, who was not unwell, and the prolonged agony of my mom's death, who was bedridden and had no quality of life for at least 6 months, I have many thoughts about this.
    I learned that you probably cannot prevent a suicide if one is determined to end one's life. I also learned that in home hospice, it is fairly common for a caregiver to give the patient a little more morphine than is needed which causes respiratory failure, followed by death. I told my siblings I felt my mom was in pain and that she needed more morphine. Minutes afterward, she quietly passed. I think I did the best thing. I should add that I am in CA so the rules are more lax here, nonetheless, I don't think I would have done differently had we lived elsewhere.

  • @SoulcuddlerZ
    A priviledge is great way of describing the comfort, support, of being there for someone in their final moments so they are not alone.

  • I know of someone who does something similar, more like touch therapy for the elderly people who are in obvious need of human contact. Thought provoking. I myself have been considering to help elderly but I don’t think I have the guts to be with someone who I know would be gone soon. Just the thought shivers me. Maybe because I just came out of 10 year long relationship, I am not ready for something to this scale. You need a strong heart.

  • As a Hospice nurse I have held many patients as they have left this world. So I would have no issue doing this and would hope someone would be there for me at my time.

  • If anyone wants information there is an excellent national organization that has free information on a variety of end-of-life topics. They work with both the general public and the healthcare professionals:

    https://practicalbioethics.org/

  • @safensecure4u2 I agree. I have been there with touch with more than a few people as they passed. While I know I should not judge, I find it almost offensive and extremely self-centered that the living would shrink from cuddling the dying or those about to die. We are all human, we will all die, and we will all want someone there to ease the transition.

    Much respect and kudos to safensecure4u2 and pmvines. Both of you do a service that is selfless and loving at its core.

  • Are we cuddling them as the lights go out?

  • [Deleted User]Zundar (deleted user)

    I would for sure, in a heartbeat.

    Everyone dies alone, regardless of how many people are around them when they go, but if I was able to make someone feel a little less alone with chat and cuddles before they went then that's something.

  • I stayed with my mom as she died. Before that we were all there with my father in law when he died. We also moved in with him, taking care of him for the last seven years of his life. Of course I would do this.

  • Wow. I would be amazingly honored to provide this service. I would do what the client wishes, but I would love to spend some time with them before (either before the actual AS that day or a prior day entirely) to hear some of their stories from their life and anything else. My heart warms just thinking about being able to help someone feel safe and nurtured as they drift away.

  • I agree with many here that this is an interesting topic. Cuddling someone who is terminally ill or in immense pain and has a doctor there to assist in their suicide, and ending their life. Being 100%honest I don't think I could if i was a professional cuddler. The stress to me would be too much. Ive held peoples hands as they were passing naturally. Im pretty sure I couldn't provide a service like this under this situation. Really intense thought provoking situation.

  • No assisted suicide where I live but I do have some relatives who work for hospice. If you need someone with you while you are dying 100% of-the time they will find someone who is more than happy to be with you. I’ve been there a few times and it’s intense, so I don’t blame anyone who wouldn’t be able to shoulder it. Personally I am not sure I could do this professionally all the time due to burnout but I do think more people should volunteer to hug or hold peoples hands at the end. I hate the thought of anyone being alone.

  • @chubbybunny Your statement that it's intense. Is that because it's someone naturally passing? Or turning off life support? How was it timed in the situations you're talking about since AS isn't legal where you are? Is that why it's intense? I've been with all my animals when they were euthanized and I watched The Suicide Tourist about physician assisted suicide which actually showed the process. They were all peaceful and not stressful at all. Emotional, yes, but I wouldn't classify it as "intense" when someone passes in that way. I am for the legalization of AS because of that. People deserve the same respect we give animals when it is their time or when they have suffered long enough. ?

  • I think the intensity of the situation is determined by the level of emotional attachment one has to the person dying. Even if it is a gentle, peaceful passing if you loved the person deeply then it is intense. In addition, if you have been fortunate and never had someone close to you pass in your presence then you really do not know how intensely you may feel.

  • Nothing has been as tough for me as losing my last dog. He was my soulmate and best friend. Don't underestimate the intensity of losing those we are close to of another species ? I was just saying that being in the presence of him leaving through euthanasia was not at all traumatic when compared to by natural causes. The trauma of him leaving had nothing to do with being there in that process, but just him leaving my life as a whole. ?

  • @hogboblin , this topic has peaked my interest. I was reading up on how assisted suicide actually is allowed in various places. I am in Ohio and here it is currently not allowed. However, I was fascinated on the requirements in the State of Hawaii! Their requirements for allowing assisted suicide is really interesting to say the least.

  • [Deleted User]Cuddlee85 (deleted user)

    I would feel honoured to be able to provide someone love, support and comfort in their final moments of life while transitioning.
    To me, no price difference or any further compensation needed compared to a non AS cuddle session. The biggest compensation here would be the opportunity for such a privilege in the first place .
    How beautiful and meaningful, to hold space for someone while they breathe their last breath in the loving embrace of another human being. Just my 2 cents :)

  • [Deleted User]BluShadeCool (deleted user)

    I would be honored to do this service if asked.

  • Being a person with a disability, who has become a big cuddling fan, I know the value of being cuddled now. I'm not suicidal but since I have never been married and not going out with anyone, there are times where I need the feel of human touch and experience being with a woman firsthand. Everybody needs some type of human contact with another. Cuddling has allowed me to personally get that contact and remain positive, even when times are not so good.

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