Do you pick people you're attracted to?

liorlior
in General

I'm new to this and figuring out the best way to do it. How do you pick a cuddle partner? I've already seen some profiles of people who I don't immediately click with. I want to trust the cuddle partner.

I've only ever really cuddled with partners, or my family when I was young. Friend cuddles have only been very momentary.

My first idea is to pick someone I'm attracted to, but to not do anything sexual/romantic with them during a cuddle session. I can imagine this scenario would be easiest if it was someone I was attracted to but wasn't attracted to me (maybe because of their sexuality), so that nothing sexual would happen. I have a lot of self control. Is this weird or wrong?

I think I would be potentially fine with a romance developing as long as it was discussed outside of cuddle sessions and there weren't any moves made during the session.

How do you pick a good cuddle partner? Do you pick people you're potentially attracted to in a romantic/sexual way? I would like to pick someone that I am attracted to in a friend way, if that's possible.

I think it might be more difficult than I anticipated to connect with someone I'd feel safe with for cuddles.

«13

Comments

  • [Deleted User]rebsmith4 (deleted user)

    I pick partners where there is some physical attraction...and attraction is attraction. There is no physical attraction “in a friend way.”

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    Being attracted to someone shouldnt be important for platonic cuddling. Just need to not be disgusted or triggered negatively by someones appearance. Like if someone looks just like an abusive ex you used to have.

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)
    edited September 2019

    I find that I feel most comfortable connecting with people I am 'attracted' to in terms of their personality, overall energy and whether or not I enjoy chatting with them. I want to feel at ease in someone's company. Apart from making sure they have basic hygiene taken care of and don't have terrible breath, or reek of cigarette smoke, etc - then I don't find that physical/sexual attraction is important. In fact, I would probably want to avoid someone I found wildly attractive in this sense.

    Also, I would probably not feel comfortable knowing that my cuddle partner had chosen me based on their attraction to me. Just more opportunities (IMO) for them to cross the line into expecting or wanting something non platonic to happen - or have them starting to pressure me into dating them. Just not worth my time and energy to have to deal with that potential scenario.

  • liorlior

    @SJSpooner I think I would feel the same if someone picked me because they found me sexually attractive. I guess that's why I felt the need to unpack what I was feeling and figure out the best way of doing things. I appreciate this discussion.

    @rebsmith4 I definitely experience attraction in a friend way - mostly to women and gay men.

    @melancholy I guess attraction is more than what someone looks like. But you can get a fair amount of info about character from what a person looks like as in how they dress, if they smile, where they are in a photo. Unfortunately I don't find many people attractive in this way (both sexually and platonically) and red flags go up for me very easily.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited September 2019

    @DarrenWalker can elaborate on this subject in a really mind-opening way and I hope he does. To put it briefly, there are multiple ways to be attracted to someone. With that in mind, you can find someone attractive physically in a strictly friendship context. Being in control rather than acting on it is another thing.

  • liorlior

    This conversation has helped me realise that when I pick a masseuse, how they look does matter to me. I tend to pick people who I think I would connect with, like I would guess we'd have a good chat if we met at a party. Age doesn't normally matter. So I've widened my age range on this website. I guess that picking a cuddle partner might be similar to picking a masseuse, in this aspect?

  • DonLonGDonLonG

    I'm sure everyone is different and has their own criteria for what they find attractive. I have multiple factors that I internally award points for when I like/agree with them, or take away with potential conflicts.

    Pictures can be helpful with a lot of things. I have a local here near me who I immediately dismissed because as far as I could tell, she could be the twin of my niece. It might have been helpful if she had more than that one picture, where she is looking at the camera with the same pose as my nieces' Facebook profile pic.

    What is more important to me then physical attraction, is if they are compatible with my interests. I give a lot of freedom for religious beliefs, but if you think the world is 6,000 years old, and dinosaurs are just sculptures that archeologists carved out of the rocks, we might be a little too different. Physical attraction might be enough for someone who wants to lay there in silence and never talk. But for me, I am looking to connect with someone else. I need to know what they think and feel in order for the experience to have substance.

    When I see someone with lots of pictures but only two sentences, it tells me they might be just interested in attracting someone who values looks over personality. It's entirely possible I have talked to someone very compatible with me, but I may have missed it because there wasn't enough information on their profile, so I never knew it.

    If they are new, they are probably still working on it. But if they joined last year, and the profile says, "Laid back, down to earth, easy-going person with good humor looking to see how this site works." 90% of people think that description is accurate for them. Not only is that not actually communicating who they really are, but if they only have one sentence on their profile, it also tells me that this isn't important enough to them to spend time on it. That may be untrue, but since I literally don't know them, I have no other choice but to make assumptions.

  • hirickyhiricky

    Good heart, great communication, safety and connection are the basics for a good session.

  • drossdross

    Profile context clues. Like the female who named herself "Dark Passenger". As a Dexter fan, I wouldn't be comfortable in a "trusting" and intimate platonic situation with her.

  • BoomerSpoonerBoomerSpooner

    @dross I think she is a Dexter fan. Sounds like you are taking it literally more than she is. I can appreciate the creativity of the show and be an Uber fan of it without being what it portrays. I think she just has a twisted sense of humor which I can appreciate.

  • drossdross

    @FunCartel Thats fine for you, but since we as cuddlers are putting ourselves in such a tenative situation, I try to mitigate anything I perceive as a potential red flag. I mean, ive seen posts advocating women carrying weapons, "just in case". The least I can do is avoid users who chose the names of fictional serial killers as handles. Its all about being comfortable, right? Who are you to determine what my level of comfort should be and what specific variables should affect it and how?

  • BashfulLonerBashfulLoner

    In my mind attraction is important. At least important enough for the initial look at the profile. But attraction isn’t always sexual. I have seen some women on here that I’d like likely not choose to cuddle with because i feel an initial sexual reaction. I also have seen people that i wouldn’t cuddle with because of the opposite.

    So when i say attraction is important, it may not be physical. It may be something in there profile that makes them interesting to me. It may be a curiosity in what they say or don’t say. A nice smile goes along way for me. I enjoy being around people that i think make me happy, not horny.

    I wouldn’t say that looking for physical or personality attributes are wrong, but i will say that depending on the attraction you should be careful. Sometimes what’s good to you ain’t good for you.

  • BoomerSpoonerBoomerSpooner

    @dross Who are you to attribute things to me I never said? All I said was you seemed to be taking someone’s name literally, then I said I see what she called herself as humor. Never said what you should or should not do about your comfort level.

    I will say that maybe you should ask for clarification before you get nasty and attack someone. It is a forum, and, believe it or not, ideas, thoughts and opinions are sometimes challenged. Just try and be civil about it.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited September 2019

    ...I'm blushing. Anyway!

    Like @Catloaf said, there's more than one type of attraction. You're obviously familiar with sexual attraction (the draw that pulls you to have sex with somebody) and romantic attraction (the urge to have a romantic relationship with someone).

    If you like looking at someone and don't want to look away, that's aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic attraction can slide into sexual attraction pretty easily, but you can also stick to pure aesthetics—like they're a sunset, or a landscape. Or a cat.

    If you really want to touch somebody (non-sexually), that's tactile attraction. There are some textures that I'm very tactilely attracted to—fleece blankets, for instance. Some types of fur. Have you ever had what almost felt like a need to touch someone else's hair? Tactile attraction.

    Then there's intellectual attraction: being intrigued by somebody else's mind. You want to talk with them, debate with them, maybe work together to build ideas about stuff.

    If you just feel really good emotionally around someone else—like they make you feel happy or cosy or warm inside, like you can be open and honest with them and it's safe, like it'd make you really happy for them to be open and honest with you in return—that's emotional attraction.

    Then there's the people you'd like to follow around because you just wanna keep on smelling them, the people whose voices are so amazing you never want them to stop talking....

    There are all kinds of different types of attraction.

    For a cuddle buddy, I think the most important thing is to pick somebody you're not tactilely or olfactorily repulsed by. If you don't want to touch or smell them, you're probably not gonna have a great cuddle! If you're aesthetically repulsed by them, you can just not look at their ugly face. If you're intellectually repulsed by them, they probably feel the same way: you shouldn't talk. If you're emotionally repulsed by them, don't open up emotionally. And so on.

    Just because you're not attracted to someone in a certain way doesn't mean you're repulsed by them, btw. I mean, there are lots of people out there who (despite the fact that you don't feel the urge to stare at them because they're just so good-looking) you don't think are hideously ugly!

    If you're not attracted to somebody, you're probably not repulsed by them either. "Neutral" is a thing.

    Unless you're so crushingly unlucky that every type of attraction leads to sex/romance for you, it is absolutely possible for you to cuddle with somebody you're attracted to in a friend way and leave sex and romance right out of it.

    Good luck, @lior! You're on the right site.

  • CatCuddlerCatCuddler

    @lior Thank you for asking this! I have thought a lot about the same thing. Hopefully we are all here for the same thing, which is NOT sexual experiences. But cuddling is very intimate too. Is it shallow to only want to cuddle with people that we find attractive?

    There have been some insightful points made already on what "attractive" can mean for us. I tend to feel like someone that I am or could be attracted to is the safest person for me to be vulnerable with. I think that this has a lot to do with my personal experiences in the past as mentioned by @melancholy. Anyone who seems parental in appearance, mostly due to age because not all parental QUALITIES are bad, kind of makes me feel uncomfortable, at least in terms of being vulnerable with them. And I have not had many good emotional experiences with men, especially straight men. So that narrows it down to a very specific population that I feel immediately comfortable connecting with. Certain people just make me feel more comfortable right off the bat, probably because of feeling that I can connect with them in a meaningful way.

    That being said, there are many I'm sure in the other populations of people that would be a good fit for me, it just takes me time to get to know whether I feel safe with them. Those are some of my thoughts anyway... Hope it helps!

  • DonLonGDonLonG

    You are definitely on to some of life's truths there @DarrenWalker with the different flavors of attraction. Watching you cut through a forum topic and dissecting it into understandable pieces like a great gladiatorial combat of intellect makes you one attractive master debater.

  • BoomerSpoonerBoomerSpooner

    I find this topic altogether humorous because attraction can never be quantified. I have cuddled people I was physically attracted to, others that I would never date, some I would not be friends with, and others that I cuddled simply because I said why the hell not and had no idea why I decided to cuddle with. Humans and what they like or do not like are objects and desires you will never be able to ascribe hard and fast rules to. I do not even know why I choose who I choose half the time.

    But you can derive a sense of who people want to attract based on their profiles and pics. There are several women who display ample views of cleavage in their pics and they will attract guys looking for a little extra in their cuddle sessions. There are others who give you a sense of who they are through pics of things they enjoy or writing about them. This could possibly attract someone interested in social outings or a relationship. I could go on but I think everyone gets the idea. I think in some ways the better question is what type of people are people’s profiles trying to attract? I think you would get more honest answers because people can be decidedly oblivious or evasive when you ask them directly about their preferences or attractions. I will be the first to admit that sometimes I take a complete leap of faith about who I choose to cuddle with nary a clue why. The why is often inconsequential as many of these serendipitous choices turned into some of my best connections and sessions.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited September 2019

    Attraction to someone as a person is def important . Doesn't have to necessarily be looks . There is attraction to personality , lifestyle , interests , spirituality , etc. I don't want to cuddle with someone who I do not otherwise feel I would want to hang out with or be friends with . I don't look at it through the same lens as I would if I were seeking a romantic partner .

  • liorlior

    Thank you all very much. @DarrenWalker I like your categories of attraction. I just love kids, I want to squeeze little babies fat little legs and cheeks. That's tactile attraction. Perhaps I wouldn't need more cuddles if my friends had kids! Kids can be tactile - the perfect model for non sexual touching. If there was a local baby cuddle party, I would go to that. I guess this is a lot less creepy coming from a woman than a man? But maybe still a bit taboo?

    I can't be around people I'm emotionally repulsed by.
    Thinking about it, I don't think any of my friends are ugly. But they might look good to me because I love them already and love changes visual perception. Or perhaps I end up with good looking people in my life because I'm aesthetically shallow. I don't think it's true but it's possible.

    I'm the opposite of you @FunCartel. I know why I'm doing something most of the time - I'm very self aware, reflective, and analytical. You probably are more free than I am to be spontaneous.

    I'm quite picky about who I let into my life - I don't have much energy, so I don't have much social contact so I want to make it good when I do have it. So I think I need something more than neutral if I'm going to spend time finding a cuddle friend. I think I may be too sick to make this happen for myself - it's as much effort as dating, and I don't have the energy for that. I would date if I could. I'd definitely be open to platonic cuddling but I think the practicalities may get in the way.

  • phenom_xmphenom_xm

    Unabashedly, yes

  • BoomerSpoonerBoomerSpooner

    @lior Oh I am very self aware, my career depends on reading people inside of five minutes and sniffing out agendas. I need to be liked in my career or else I would not be successful which I am in spades. I have to stay ahead of everyone mentally and otherwise. But....in my personal life I want more risk because people are messy so I try out cuddlers I may not normally come across in everyday life. Often this is predicated on mood. I schedule my cuddles 1-2 weeks out and sometimes I see someone that is my “type” and I ask myself what are my motivations for scheduling with them. Sometimes I go through with seeing them and other times I do not. Then I see someone who is definitively not my type and I ask why not? These are the people I will often schedule because I am learning more and more that preconceived notions are just that—notions and have no basis in fact. I have cuddled the obese to the skinny, from black to white and everything in between. I have found the only ones I do not have a taste for are the lazy. I have cuddled those with diametrically opposed political views from mine where we found common ground and humanity. None of my near 60 sessions came from analytics—it all came from a leap of faith and experience. Do I have preferences? Yes. But I think following preferences alone regardless of the “category” of preference can deprive one of unique experiences. I know my views have been altered by trying people outside my preference zone.

  • liorlior

    @FunCartel that sounds awesome. It's great to meet new people. Before I got ill, I had a similar attitude with dating. It was great to meet such a range of people. Unfortunately my circumstances limit me a lot, and partly dictate my approach now.

  • MrCuddlenityMrCuddlenity
    edited September 2019

    To a certain extent. At my age, I like a lady with some looks but I look highly for personality, common views, genuineness, knowledge of cuddling, and how many karmas she has and what was said. I usually ignore those who hardly say anything in their profiles. How would anyone pick a cuddler if you have no general sense of who they are. When I look at a lady's photos, it does tell many times what she may be like. I don't really need a very attractive women because she is may not be here very long on the site. I also consider different groups of women from different backgrounds and regions of this country. I like a learning experience as well and not be close minded. Since I am not getting married anytime soon, I look for the ones for the long haul

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @lior: I think natural selection tends to result in the kind of human that's drawn to hold and cuddle and protect baby humans. After all, babies need all of that. A kind of hardwired tactile attraction to the young of your species makes sense when those babies need cuddles to survive and grow up healthy. Right?

    The only reason it'd be socially taboo is if for some reason society thinks you're the kind of person who'd damage the baby instead of helping it.

    [mutter] Dumb society and its dumb ideas about men and what the word "attraction" means.... [mutter]

  • calineurcalineur

    No. Wait...🤔. Yes.

  • BoomerSpoonerBoomerSpooner

    What I am most impressed about is a thread on attraction did not devolve into a deep discussion on boners.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    As am I. The trolls have been gone a few days though, just wait for it...

  • [Deleted User]MacaronCuddles (deleted user)
    edited September 2019

    I pick cuddle partners based on looks. It’s not being shallow. You want to cuddle who you feel attracted to. If I hire a pro for a session then I pick the young and attractive ladies. Preferably girls that share stuff in common with me. I like to workout and stay fit so I choose girls that share the same attributes. When cuddling with these girls it creates plenty of pleasant conversations because we share a lot in common.

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    I pick cuddle partners based on their minds, primarily. Misanthropes who are into cosmicism are the most appealing to me.

    The one situation in which I’d pick someone purely on looks is if they were dressed as a cenobite from Hellraiser. That would be cool.

  • cuddlekittycatcuddlekittycat

    From my ( the pro cuddler ) point of view, i definitely do not choose people i'm attracted to -- this is one of my jobs & most are older men anyways. I'm sure the guys choose based on looks but it would be harder for us ladies to get any clients if we only chose attractive young men lol

Sign In or Register to comment.