@quixotic_life If we have no idea what others want, what we would want in that situation, is often a good first guess. The second reasonable guess, is usually based on our prejudices and stereotypes.
However, I'd generally recommend doing unto others, that which is most easily undone. The medical profession has been doing this for years ; giving emergency blood tranfusions of type-O negative, on the basis that it doesn't react badly with any of the types.
Pros do our best given the situation and we are trying. I do chat sessions via skype for people at request. I know there are more who would if asked.
@geoff1000 ~ sure true... But "good enough" leaves room for improvement.
"If we have no idea what others want, what we would want in that situation, is often a good first guess. The second reasonable guess, is usually based on our prejudices and stereotypes."
I don't believe your "first guess" could be made without the influence of prejudices and stereotypes.
Prejudices are preconceived opinions that are not based on reason or actual evidence.
By assuming, "I'd like ____ so they'd like ____", is filtering through a prejudiced opinion (which may or may not be correct - we only know for sure if we ask).
Stereotypes are a widely held but fixed and oversimplified images or ideas of a particular type of person or thing.
So, the person may seem to be like you and it may be natural to again think, "I'd like ____ so they'd like ____", but this employs stereotyping in that you have stripped their individuality and lumped them into 'your' group.
"...I'd generally recommend doing unto others, that which is most easily undone."
IMO, although it may sound good, I don't think it's good advice to be giving because nothing we do can be undone, including doing nothing.
In principle though, we're on the same page.
Instead of arguing semantics, or watering down the gist, can we just agree to model getting another's input on what they actually want before we act (instead of trying to filter our assumptions)? It's pretty foundational in cuddling convo, so why not apply that everywhere?
~QL🕊
PS ~ I'm going to guess the Pros are fairly well versed in this, or should be by now, so we should probably give this a rest on this thread (you can have the last word though ~ I just don't think I have anything more to add that would be helpful right here 🙂).
@quixotic_life The problem I find with some people, is that they don't always say what they really want, or answer honestly when asked. There seems to be some kind of relationship communication game going on, where we have to guess, and interpret, and read subtle cues. It's a minefield for those without such skills ; and having the best intentions, is an unacceptable excuse for getting it wrong.
Similarly, people sometimes don't want to hear the truth, the harsh reality of a situation ; and instead want a sugar-coated version. They would rather have the hope of "jam tomorrow", even when that is just a product of their imagination ; and apply the principle of "shoot the messenger".
It never hurts to be comfortable with and in someone's silence and insecurities.
It never hurts to pay attention to what and how you communicate as well as another's response. Communication is a lifelong learning process. Some are naturally better at it than others. Some just need to be reflected to in order to help them along in expressing their thoughts clearly.
As strangers we know nothing about each other's backgrounds. The nuances that shaped our attitudes to and beliefs around how we communicate and express ourselves. Hence communicating with another especially when we are strangers is an exercise in patience and open empathetic observation that seeks to understand rather than criticize or judge another. That patience and empathy sometimes mean we need to listen to what is being said or demonstrated rather than what we want to or are only comfortable hearing.
As human beings we're all guilty of that. And in this platonic world of social cuddling amidst a pandemic we just need to be more mindful. We at times need to be more comfortable with the silence of others as we hope they're comfortable with ours.
@Bles +1 👏👏👏 Well put! ♡
@ubergigglefritz I've definitely been lucky that my significant others I've had during my time cuddling have been understanding and supportive. And deception is a heavy burden to carry and I don't envy someone who makes that decision. But not knowing the circumstances people come from, makes it hard to say something so one size fits all.
@quixotic_life I really like how you teach it. Learning consent and that it's okay and healthy to ask for what you need and what those around you need.
""Do unto others, as they would have you do unto them"... ... and if they haven't told you what that is, ask."