First Session Left Me Feeling Awful

[Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
edited April 2017 in General
I had my first...what we call a cuddle session...Sunday evening. It is a guy on here from Kansas. We had talked for a couple of weeks. He kept blowing up my phone with compliments and pics of himself wanting compliments in return. He pursued me like someone you'd pursue for a date. One minute He's saying how great we'd be together...the next how he just wants cuddling. He emailed and texted and called daily. He love bombed me relentlessly. I asked if we could meet in person and he seemed to shy away from that. So I caved. I let him come over. We snuggled. It was a night of being told how hot I was and being rubbed on and fondled. 6 hours of him turning me on and of course as cuddling no sex. Then it was him snoring until 6am. The worst part is that he apparently has a thing for bellies. He wanted me to rub his belly and vice versa over and over. He wanted to talk about what kind of clothes I wore as a teenager and if I liked to show my belly. It was completely bizarre. He said he wanted to get together again but then has acted weird since then. I am done with him. He was a constant contradictory of what he wanted. He kept talking about this becoming a relationship and them would change his mind back and forth. The belly thing did it for me. I know people have fetishes...we all do. But it was too much for me. It was my fault too. I should have stuck to my guns about meeting in public first. Anyway...I just hope no one else has to got through this with him. I even tried to explain to him how in the future he needs to be more honest and about cuddling on here and not be playing with people emotions. He probably won't listen. He seems like a narcissist to me. Oh well.
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Comments

  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    I want to add that I understand that cuddling can make you aroused. I get that truly. But for him to start kissing me and rubbing it against me when he supposedly only wanted to cuddle made me very uncomfortable. I mean...I am a sexual person and if never cuddled before so it was uncomfortable that he made it sexual. He even kissed me...badly...but still. I just feel like I got nothing from this experience but used and deceived.
  • If someone is messaging you relentless like that and being such a pushy jerk you shouldn't relent and let them come over. You should block them.
    You need to be a lot more discerning in who you cuddle with. Sounds like this guy wasn't enough smooth or smart about it.
    Doing an overnight so soon is a big risk too.
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    You are right. I dont know what I was thinking. I was just inviting in the chaos. I told him I had been in an emotional abusive relationship and I didn't think I was ready. He came in like Mr Wonderful and I was stupid. Really stupid. I just wanted someone to hold me.
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    edited April 2017
    I also want to add that I did a background check on him. I had his lic plate number place of empl and phone numbers etc. I was even armed that night. I have a psych degree and was involved with a narcissist that ruined my life in many ways. I still fell for it. I fell for the charms and the lies. Even though that voice was screaming at me to run. We got into a fight before we met and he sent me a picture of him crying. Who...does that. I even sent the info to my daughter who is 22 and updated her in the night I was ok...so I wasn't completely unprepared safety wise. I just didn't listen to my heart. I'm not ready to cuddle again. I just wanted to share this for the sake of myself and others.
  • edited April 2017
    Wow, @Mrf1971. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I would say a couple of things: First, don't blame yourself. Yes, you ignored your inner misgivings. But he behaved like a predator rather than a good cuddler. Cuddling is about empathy and mutual comfort and caring. It's clear he didn't care at all for what you wanted or what you were feeling. He just wanted what he wanted, and that definitely was not platonic. He smelled vulnerability and went for it. You were the victim here, so don't be too hard on yourself.

    Second, I would urge you not to give up on cuddling. You don't want the last taste in your mouth to be a bad one. Take your time, don't rush into anything. But I hope you can and will find a true cuddle buddy as defined by this site. It's such a great thing when it goes well. Maybe read the stories of positive experiences elsewhere on this forum? It might help get your mind off the "awful" and remind you of good possibilities.

    If you do cuddle again, I'd suggest insisting on a first meeting in public. Get the vibe. First session should be an hour or 90 minutes tops, unless you both really want it to continue. No overnights until you know him well and trust him implicitly.  If at any point the guy becomes aggressive or pushy, you can cut it short and send him on his way. You are a non pro, so your cuddle partner is supposed to be a fellow enthusiast concerned with making you as happy as you are trying to make him. If he gets selfish or demanding, you can cut it short. I know you're not looking for a lot of practical advice right now. But when the horror fades in days to come, maybe some of this will prove helpful.

    Hopefully you left him some scathing feedback. Maybe reported him?  I don't know what level of offense officially justifies that, but this would seem to. Again, I'm sorry you went through this. I believe there are some good people here. I hope you get to meet some of them!
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    edited April 2017
    Quietman775...thank you for your kind words. I apppreciate everyone's comments and the private messages as well. I agree with everything that has been said. I actually called this man earlier before posting. I tried to explain to him that he needed to be honest with people on this site if he wanted to avoid this kind of drama or confusion. I have tried not to judge him. He only responded that he must be clueless and he never intended to be this way and basically took no accountability. To him...he enjoyed and I'm some crazy woman and he did nothing wrong. So be it. I tried. As someone familiar with narcissisic predators I saw the signs but thought I was being paranoid. He insists he is an easygoing accommodating great guy. His behaviors say otherwise. As for me...yes I reported him. This was big for me. Reporting someone and making this post on here. I've never done that. I decided I wasnt going to be quiet anymore. I will definitely follow your advice about any future cuddling. I'm still debating whether I can handle it or if it is right for me. I'm sure there are wonderful people on here. It isn't the sites fault. It is one predator. I want people to know I didn't post this to be a victim or get attention or revenge. I did it to be heard. To save someone else from my mistakes. Thank you all for the support you have shown me. ❤❤❤
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    I also want to apologize to those who don't like it when people post about men and bad experiences. I just read a thread about that on here. I dont mean to annoy anyone sharing this. I just felt like it needed to be said.
  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)
    Mrf1971 I had a bad experience with one person on this site, but I've also found three other great platonic cuddle buddies and it has been well worthwhile. I'm really sorry to hear it was so upsetting. Hugs!

    I was like you and made the mistake of inviting someone to cuddle the first time I met them - and I wouldn't do that again. I'd recommend screening the person a few times, first with a phone/Skype call, then meeting them 1-3 times in public before doing anything in private.

    One option is even to just go to the cinema and put your arm around them - or cuddle side by side while sitting on the couch at home, instead of full on snuggling and spooning in bed. I usually wait a while and meet up with someone several times and do less intimate forms of cuddling before attempting spooning or cuddling in a lying down position.
  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)
    You may also find this FAQ section on my blog helpful: 12 Frequently Asked Questions about Platonic Cuddling

    Other ways of double checking for safety include showing their messages to a close friend, and getting a second opinion before you meet them. They might help you spot the predatory/problematic people, and to steer clear of them.
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    Sunflowerfield...thank you so much for your comments and advice! I really appreciate it. I had actually thought the movies might be a good first place to cuddle. Great ideas. Thank you! ❤
  • [Deleted User]VIPirate (deleted user)
    edited April 2017
    The first rule of thumb that we should remember is to not blame, nor be judgmental of the victim in these situations. This wasn't your fault. It sounds like this guy was good at manipulation and taking advantage of you having been in an abusive relationship prior to meeting him. The good news is that this presents an excellent learning opportunity. Now you can move forward with a renewed outlook on things and that is extremely valuable. ♡
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    Thank you VIPirate ❤
  • @Mrf1971  If this jerk hasn't already been banned after you reported him, you should also leave him bad Karma, so others will be warned of his bad behavior.  Your post was about one individual, not about men in genera, so no apology was needed.  I too, encourage you not to give up on cuddling completely, but I certainly understand the need to take a break in order to recover from this unfortunate incident.  I am sorry that you were made to feel so used.
  • Much of what I wanted to say has already been sad, so before I say the other couple of things, I I'm sorry had a bad experience and I hope you don't give up. It took me quite a while, but I did find a nice platonic cuddle buddy here :-) 

    sounds like he was already not respectful of boundaries in your communications.   take away here is try to gauge that respect before getting into a vulnerable position. Sounds pretty rough, and I hope it wasn't traumatic for you, but it could've been worse. 

    Funny you used the term "love bomb" which is something I only heard for the first time last weekend. Apparently  it is not uncommon for narcissists to use this when  first trying to get someone to like them. Doesn't mean he's a narcissist, but it's interesting that he was bouncing in and out of behaving in that way.  

     You've been very respectful and almost apologetic  describing and complaining about your experience throughout this thread. Projecting onto you, I wonder if you are concerned about feeling judged or not believed. It looks to me a lot of people appreciate your share. 


    I have some questions for you; what are you feeling  about all of this? What did you feel in the moment and immediately afterwards? How do you feel now talking about it here?



  • I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. Hope it doesn't shut you off to cuddling other people. 
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    edited April 2017
    I_am_polylover...thank you❤ i cant give him bad karma because I met him the first time i was on here. I had deleted my account when he and I got into a fight before we had even met (I know). Apparently you have to have several messeges back and forth on here to do so. I am going to respond to more of the comments and questions later tonight when I get a chance...I work nights. Thanks everyone
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    Thank you Zionscalling ❤
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    edited April 2017
    OrionEridanus...I wish I could write out the entire story of everything I've been through especially in the last four years because a lot of this would make a lot more sense to everyone who's reading this. I have a BS degree in Psychology which is not enough to make me a counselor but just enough to get me into trouble lol. The term love bombing I have learned as I have done hours of research on narcissistic personality disorder after being told that that is what my former abuser suffers from. At least in the humble opinion of my counselor. 4 years ago I was engaged I had a car I had lost 60 pounds I was probably the happiest I have been in my life I ran my first and only 5K. I had joined a spiritual community that honors all spiritual paths and I had even decided to go to work for them as a prayer associate. This place is where I met my abuser. I can't even talk about him without crying and feeling guilt because the people that I still work for and the mindset of this community is that there are no victims and that your energy brings the bad stuff to you so it's your fault and you're just supposed to say a bunch of affirmations and suck it up and go on with your life and not point fingers. It's has taken all the guts I have to even post anything on here about this because I was so afraid of someone giving me backlash or yelling at me to stop acting like a victim. I know that I have accountability in any relationship I have whether it be friendship or a lover or even somebody to cuddle with. But this particular person I feel has broken me in many ways. And then to run into this guy on this website... how do I feel well I feel pretty devastated I'm sitting here now shaking and crying as I say this. I thought maybe I was being paranoid when he started exhibiting the same kind of behaviour as my abuser did. I kept telling myself Maria just get over it you can't lump every man you meet under the category of being a narcissist not everybody is out to get you. I came on this site because I was really desperate to have somebody hold me again. I'm very alone in my life. I was always a very independent woman I raised a daughter by myself I've never been married I've only cohabited with someone a couple of years. The effect that my abuser has had on me has been devastating I have lost relationships over this either people walking away or me pushing everyone away I've lost my spiritual community I've lost some of my best friends the only family that I communicate with is my daughter. I guess this is a lot of oversharing and I apologize. There is so so much more to this story my counselor said that I have had way more to deal with in the last 4 years than any person should have to deal with. And I am stuck where I'm at and it's my fault. I am stuck in a community I want no part of any more I'm stuck in a job that I don't want any part of any more it's like PTSD every day as a reminder of my abuser even his photography on the walls and every dark corner he pulled me into. I found out I am number 13 of the women he has done this to. Several from my work. My apartment is a reminder of him because of the damage that was done there and now with the guy that I met on here I stupidly let him into my apartment my place that is supposed to be My Sanctuary and my safe place which was really stupid of me. Desperation will do that I guess. So I guess that kindof explains where I'm at. By the way the organization I work for has nothing to do with Buddhism. Buddhism is the only place where I have felt safe and spiritually fed in my life and something I have recently turned to. I am proud to say I went no contact with my abuser May 31 2016. So...almost a year. I am proud of that. I struggle every day though. I know by sharing all this I won't find any cuddle buddies and that's ok. Who would want to cuddle with a hot mess...lol. I just feel good that I shared this and hopefully the guy on this site won't mess with anyone else's life.
  • [Deleted User]Unknown (deleted user)
    Perhaps there is a professional male cuddler you can see .  Unfortunately , you may not have one in your area.
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    Fyi the guy I met on this site still has a profile so he hasn't been deleted.
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    A professional would be nice if I had the money. I dont even have a car right now. First time in my life that's happened. I lost everything in the toxic relationship. I'm not saying that for pity...just fyi.
  • you could have PTSD from being abused (and narcs do abuse you in many different ways, even if it's covertly and mostly unnoticeable), i know i've got/had cPTSD and done a lot of work on myself since i found out. you could have a whole host of other things also, which is why you 'attract' that type of person...attract is in apostrophes because you don't actually attract them (they aren't fussy who they manipulate) but they can figure out your boundaries pretty easily and push them or break past them and this makes you an easy target and one of their primary choices.

    greg zaffuto, and many others self help gurus, do give advice on why it wasn't your fault exactly. and i learned from richard grannon that you have probably been groomed from childhood to be the perfect 'victim' for a narc, sociopath or any toxic person.

    i do believe the best way to not feel messed up is to find yourself someone you can relate to and understand and learn as much about yourself as possible from these people, as well as learn about abusers and how their minds work (the 2 i mentioned above are the ones i relate to, there are many others so hopefully you find someone you can relate to too). both these things should protect you from further abuse and hopefully make you feel better about yourself, although you might always have some issues i felt i had less after learning why i was comfortable having people like this in my life and was accepting them for who they are. i definitely have a lot more insight now just from the above's help, and it was all free, via their facebook and youtube pages.

    hope that helps. :)
  • You are not a victim and your courage in your share is truly beautiful. I want you to look around this virtual room and see the support and love you have been given  by everyone in here who replied.  No backlash, no blaming.

    Reading it makes me want to offer you a huge hug, to ask you to stop calling yourself stupid and other constraining labels, and tell you that I would  (and have) cuddle(d) people who are in difficult places (thinking of a friend of mine, not met through this site.) 

    While I do believe we are all in charge of protecting our own boundaries, I know that not everyone has been taught how to do this by their parents; it was an alien concept for me and I learned about it late in life. I can tell you about some of the resources I fishnet in my journey and a specific one that may help you given your past.

    I once dated a woman fresh out of a marriage with narcissist and sexaholic. I loved her dearly but her experience left her unable to trust her own judgement and others. She broke up with me though we remained BEST friends for a few years after. FWIW, she has been in a relationship with a nice man now (who reminds me of me in many ways :) ) for 4+ years now, cohabiting for over 2. It took her time to get there but she did. Timetables will vary for everyone, but it was a good few years before she was truly able to date people. 

    Your mention of Buddhism makes me think you would be open to reading this marvelous book I know "There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate"  by Cheri Huber. It is a light yet pithy read. Hand written pages with little cartoons, only 150ish, and it took me a year to go through it as I reread and contemplated. (I am Christian, and I have randomly adopted some Buddhist outlooks and practices I encountered without always realiigmvwhatvtgey were as a way of being closer to God. )

    I wish you could clear out some of tte psychic drain in  your life with a new job and apartment. 

    I also think you might benefit mightily from attending a workshop with the Human Awareness Institute. (They do offer some financial aid. ) Having attended four of these workshops  I believe you will find a great deal of acceptance and understanding and feeling held and valued there. They are not a hard sell on their products; they truly are a non-profit run by people who really want to teach people how to connect with others and themselves and through that make the world  a warmer place. HAI.org

    Feel free to message me if you would like to learn more about some of the resources I mentioned or just talk.

    i wish you the best 

  • @Mrf1971 hey I just made a profile here and I'm willing to try cuddling with you in a way that isn't sexualized. I noticed you mentioned that you've never cuddled in a non sexual way. I believe cuddling is a fantastic experience that can really help one feel genuinely good, especially if you pull the sex aspect out of the picture.

    My only problem is that I probably live very far :/
  • [Deleted User]VIPirate (deleted user)
    edited April 2017
    @OrionEridanus I admit, my own use of the word "victim" probably did not properly convey my thoughts on the matter. I thought that I had seen a bit of judgment in an earlier post, but it could simply be that tone was lost in translation as it so often is via text. No worries, though. I agree that there is a lot of love and support here and it's wonderful to see people come together to help out. :)
  • @Mrf1971 Sharing is actually probably more likely to bring cuddlers to you than it is to run them off. People like me who understand what it's like to hurt every day would be happy to be able to help someone else who's hurting. I'd like to share cuddles with you if I didn't live 5 hours away.
  • Dear All, It is so nice to see how our community understands the problems that can arrive when things go wrong, @Mrf1971 I hope you can see the site is working and dose bring people together with a common way of life.
    There are friends on here who can change you feelings do keep trying to meet people.
    Love all, John and his trees Auckland NZ.
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    edited April 2017
    Thank you all for the comments and suggestions. I'm sorry I haven't replied to the recent ones yet. I'm feeling a little under the weather and my beautiful friend/coworker died today. 31 years old. I'm feeling a bit numb. I want to reply in more detail later. I have been to therapy...at least about a year ago. I need more. The guy I saw just sat there saying I need to be happy and gave me a happy face pin. Seriously. This cuddling thing has got me thinking about how my family gave NO physical affection. Except my eldest brother but he left home when I was 4. Most all my cuddling was sexual. Except a friend if mine...Stephen...and my daughter when she was young. Stephen was a guy I fell in love with but nothing physical happened. Then he came out to me first. The only male attention that was non sexual...and it was wonderful. As far as setting boundaries well...I've never been good at that. I'm too extreme. One way or the other. A lot to work on. I was raised in a emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive environment. My mother being the abuser. From that my previous therapist said she was Narcissistic possibly. Lets just say when Mommy Dearest came out I watched it with my mouth hanging open thinking, "Oh my God there are other moms like this too". I only bring it up as me seeing patterns. It is funny how you get little and big epiphanies of what made you what you are. I don't know if anyone believes in this kind of thing but a psychic friend and some healers I know all say I am an empath. They said I attract people who use me for energy...feed off me if you will. It is all confusing at this point. It is like what is my role in fixing this. Indont want to think about who did what or what happened what I've done in a blaming sense anymore. In just want to fix me. Btw...a guy on this site who says he's a trucker was trying to message me to come by and cuddle. No pic or anything. Lol...guess he hasn't read anything on the forum?
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    Irene thank you ❤ I have read everything I can get my hands on about Narcs and continue to. I agree...about the ptsd or in this case probably cptsd. I am open to whatever healing and learning in can get my hands on. One of the most interesting things that happened was my friend Mike who I've known since high school and is a great guy he told me I needed to watch a show called Jessica Jones. It's about a woman that has superpowers she's like a comic book hero but her one nemesis is a man named kilgrave. I don't know if you're familiar with the show so if you are forgive me. Basically this man has the ability to make people do what he wants simply with his voice. This is going to sound crazy but honestly that's how it felt when I was with my abuser. Obviously I'm not a victim and I did have control over any decisions that I made ultimately. But the show really got to me because I was like okay this is what it feels like in that particular case it was like I was outside of my body watching myself do things and put up with things and make my life all about this man and I have never been like that before. I was like his own personal little puppet. My friends and family we're also concerned because they said you've never been like this you were in an independent woman and what is it about this guy. People kept complaining they're like he's a jerk he's not even that attractive what are you seeing in him? I've tried looking back at other relationships thinking maybe this was a pattern but honestly this was the only one where I just completely lost control it was like an addition. And even though I ended all contact with him last May I am just now to the point where I'm not looking around wondering if he's going to show up. It was like he did all of these horrible things but it was like heroin or something I still wanted my fix. So...messed...up. and I look at people that I know that seems to really love drama in their life and I think okay and I like that because to me I feel like I'm avoiding drama all the time at all costs I've completely shut myself off from everyone and everything yet it still Finds Me or am I bringing it to me it's all so confusing. And of course the people that I work with because of their beliefs Roa saying what kind of energy are you putting out that your drawing this type of person or man to you. My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything too much which I really believe because honestly I can't even think straight anymore from trying to figure this all out like my brain feels like it's going to explode. Lol...man I talk a lot. LOL!
  • [Deleted User]Mrf1971 (deleted user)
    Rokksteady thank you ❤ that sounds wonderful. You do live a bit if a stretch from little ole LS MO though...LOL
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