Feel so lonely and stuck in life

[Deleted User]edh96 (deleted user)

Having such a torrid time in life the last 3 years. Lost my mom in late 2018, then my dad at the start of this year (which brought complicated grief because we were never close), almost got caught in a tornado and lost my job at the end of 2019 and been unemployed since, went through an awful "situationship" with an ex friend which ended right before COVID, moved last summer and been isolated almost completely since, live with my sister and her bf, both of whom I do not get along with at all, lacking physical contact for months at a time, haven't made progress in college in 3 years and even got suspended from my degree program at one point, got diagnosed with BPD and did therapy for 9 months before quitting this week due to funds getting lower and little to no progress made in months, connecting with people solely through online and no interactions in person apart from my narc sister who I try to avoid, struggling internally with loneliness, depression, rage, suicidal thoughts, maladaptive daydreaming, and so much anxiety over driving or going anywhere in an unfamiliar area since I moved here last summer, only started taking some walks in the area 2 months ago because of that, and just all around completely lost right now not knowing where I'm going, who I am, who I want to be, and where I want to go and so on.

Sound bad? I've had worse periods actually, but life has never hit me with a storm this bad in such a short amount of time. Life has sucked since late 2018 and it often feels like improvement is never coming. The only thing I did improve was some of my relationships like with a childhood friend of 15 years, an online friend of 8 years, and my nephew, plus I made a great sports group chat and added several guys who share that common interest. I do wish I had more friends and relationships in general though. Not just people to chat with, but authentic, consistent connection. Online or real life, don't really care, I'd take either. I just feel lost and stuck but having more positive people around sure would help in making life more bearable. Don't expect anyone here to care. Just thought I'd get this off my chest somewhere.

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Comments

  • I do care, & that was me 2018 … I was in the lowest point In my life … when people say “rock bottom”, I was literally 1 mile under that … I have no idea how I made it out of that year … just sharing this so you know you’re not alone in your feelings & there’s light in the end of that dark tunnel 🌌

  • [Deleted User]Navj026 (deleted user)
    edited October 2021

    Hey man.. I understand. Sounds really hard.. I have been through a small bit of that.
    What helped me was just physically taking part in group activities (understand this is harder now with how things are.. but still possible) - whether it's a Church, sports team, small group playing cards, a part time job (money can help feel better too), anything to get out of your head when it's negative.. even once a week - gives great relief

    If you can find 1 person who will listen to you.. if not, maybe paid counseling can help

    I understand you're maybe not looking for help.. and just want to vent.. but I was feeling quite stuck today, and on reading your post, remembered that we're not all alone!

  • edited October 2021

    ☝️You told us about your dark side
    What about your positive side.
    Do you have any hobbies🏊‍♂️🚣‍♀️⛷⛹️‍♂️, qualifications
    🤔 why don't you join gym🏋️‍♂️, yoga classes 🧘‍♂️you can make friends there
    Do voluntary work
    Go shopping centres
    Parks
    Work with a job that's include been part of a team move job to job till u find right friends
    @jacobnav602 ☝️ i agree with you

  • @Ahmedali999 imagine someone telling you to do yoga in your most down moments.

  • Edh96,

    You ARE going through a really hard time. Reading through the series of events I couldn't help but realized how much you ARE doing! I know it doesn't feel like it, but getting up everyday and putting one foot in front of the other at a time when so many swings have tried to knock you down is courageous and extraordinary, even though I know it doesn't feel like it.

    It's really hard to put yourself out there to build relationships. I don't really have any online relationships, but I have a great network of unperson ones. It wasn't always this way. Here's what I did.

    I looked at people who were on the periphery of my life and identified people I wanted to be closer with...people I liked, people who I knew would make me a better person. Then I set a reminder in my phone, "text so and so" at the same time every week, just checking in. Then we made plans to hang out, coffee, walks, hikes. Stuff we both like. Then I found out all their favorite things (music, flowers, snacks) and I would drop off surprises at their house when I was in the neighborhood. Within a year...I had two REALLY good friends.

    I also joined some community groups for interests I had. Rec league volleyball, Toastmasters for public speaking (amazing people) and a book club, and met phenomenal people who inspired me and encouraged me.

    There are ALWAYS more possibilities and less limits than you think.

    You've got this.

  • @cuddles_ndream 🤦‍♂️ that's right, my bad 🤗

  • [Deleted User]Navj026 (deleted user)

    @Ahmedali999 thanks

  • edited October 2021

    🤗

  • 🫂👥💋

  • @edh96 That’s a real rough sequence of life events. You are doing great taking those steps to connect with others. @Jkay post is quite inspirational in idea to find good in person friends.
    If we learn to love ourself and be kind to ourselves it makes it easier to trudge through what life throws at us. One way to feel your own worth is to volunteer helping others. It not only helps others but also can find connections with others that care.
    If college isn’t working out but the subject is something you are passionate about, immerse yourself learning about it online. It’ll give you another purpose and prepare you for when you can go back and finish college.
    Take heart..one day at a time!

  • edited October 2021

    @edh96 that's one hell of a rollercoaster. Sorry to hear about your losses and struggles.

    I am glad you are taking walks, especially walks in nature help*. And that you are having online interactions such as with your sports* buddies and have improved your friendship with your friends*.

    I can sympathize with some of the things you're going through and I'm sure at least a handful of others here can too. Even if they may not say so. I've been here for a couple of years and seen so many people who are kind and supportive. Along with many of them struggling themselves. So yes, there are many people here who care about being supportive of you.

    Speaking of which, if you need someone to talk with, you are welcome to give me a call. Or message, whichever is best for you.

    You may also find this post helpful https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/11420/sharing-our-experiences-hopes-to/p1 . I started it to share my experience and set goals to improve my situation in hopes that others will find it helpful. And that I in turn may benefit from hearing others'* experiences or what helps them.

  • edited October 2021

    Dude. I get it. I plan to write my autobiography and no one will believe one person could possibly endure so much hardship, torment, abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and injustice. I can hardly believe it myself when I take a step back and see it objectively. Sorry you’re going through so much.

    Therapy and my late mentor have saved my life. I’m in yet another sh*tstorm of betrayal and injustice that never in a million years did I see coming my way, and it has taken the last shred of care for anything out of me. I’m so burnt out on people and life and want to just quit on everything and never trust or care for another person. I’m really struggling right here with you. And honestly coming on this site and experiencing some horrible encounters and reading the forums and the rude replies I often get has only deepened my hurt, withdrawal, last shred of desire to connect with others, and subsequent isolation. Some people here are great, many are going to leave you feeling worse. Be careful in who you interact with.

    I encourage you to seek therapy if you aren’t already - particularly somatic therapy (EMDR, SE, DBT, etc.) rather than cognitive based modalities (CPT, talk, etc.). And as hard as it is, to find things that give you even the tiniest bit of joy or positive feelings. And try to do those as often as possible. I know how depression robs us of joy in things that once gave us joy so it’s hard to be motivated to try. I encourage you to try anyway. I’m talking to myself here, too.

    Also, if your living arrangement isn’t healthy I recommend finding a different one. Also, there are more open jobs now than ever. Having an occupation even if it isn’t a career move can be very helpful to our mental health and financial strain. Especially if it’s serving others. Just some ideas to consider.

  • edited October 2021

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  • @edh96 Thank you for sharing! I do care!

  • [Deleted User]edh96 (deleted user)

    @cuddles_ndream I know I'm not alone in my feelings, but I've felt so stuck ever since and it's just not getting better. I'm continuing to believe it will because I was in a very low place from 2013-2015 as well and things improved a lot in 2016-2017, so I'm hopeful that will happen again even though it's a lot tougher this time around.

    @jacobnav602 I mentioned in OP how much anxiety affects me. Also I've grown up sheltered and never really learned how to venture out in the world in my own. That plus the isolation and other issues cause me so much anxiety so I always just stay at home alone in my room.

    @Ahmedali999 See above response.

    @Jkay What you said you did in your third paragraph is pretty much what I did last year. I was talking to no one when the pandemic started and when I moved 3 months later, I identified those people and things are going well with them to this day. Definitely the most consistent relationships I've had in about a decade. As for your other tips, read my response to Jacob. It's just too hard with so much anxiety and other issues and being sheltered my whole life. Thanks for the support though.

    @DimpleGirl :3

    @craM <3

    @blisscuddles See my response to Jacob on the volunteer part. Thanks for the support though.

    @Lovelight Thanks for the support. It helped a little.

    @TheMidnightOwl I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much. I hope you can find peace and improvement in your life soon. And I just quit therapy because it was costing me too much as someone unemployed and I wasn't making any progress. We started doing DBT initially, then we started getting all over the place, and it ended up just being like talk therapy every week which did nothing for me because none of our convos or her insights/questions made any breakthroughs I hadn't already made on my own. Then when I decided to quit last Monday, she just gave a simple little email response the next morning and that was it. Felt kinda shitty after 9 months that that was all I got, but maybe I shouldn't expect more. I'll probably try therapy again in the future but with someone who specializes in treating BPD and not someone who says they do yet shows time and time again that she can't really help me with my struggles instead of being honest with herself, probably just for the paycheck. Who knows.

    @SuperManCuddles :)

  • I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you're struggling. 💜

  • @edh96 "Thanks for the support. It helped a little." Aight, hope you find things and people who better help you.

  • *gives hug
    It sucks going through a tough time. I care.

  • edited October 2021

    Try regular cuddle therapy it worked for me. It changed my mind 180 degree. I loved life after cuddles . Because it distracted my mind of being negotiate ☝️ but don't rely on it . I forgot about my real afflictions. find a true caring,literated pro who always can advice,and supports you.

  • @edh96 Firstly, reading your story sounded like reading my own a little bit. Except I'm older, and for DECADES I went through feeling like I couldn't focus on any goal long enough to make it work. Socially I became isolated mostly, except for some occasional times with a few close friends. It really was worse than I'm describing it. All this after entering sobriety at age 24. After my mother died, I managed to land in a friendly place where I eked by doing handyman work. I decided to do massage therapy out of the blue. I enrolled in school and took loans. The world opened up for me! Tactile stimulation, the giving and receiving, answers a call that had gnawed on my insides all along but I couldn't interpret what I needed. With my hands I help people relax, feel less pain, feel human in a stressed out world. They freakin pay me more than I ever made before, while helping me to be satisfied finally! And I'm almost 59! Doing this has helped me align myself better spiritually, which is crucial in a messed up world. The culture of massage therapy supports eating better and exercising and being calm and connected to others in a positive way. My advice is to look into this. It really might be for you.

  • @UCpaaHVg6u0 - here’s an interesting piece of research I think may have interesting implications for massage therapists: Dr. Robert Sapolsky is a brilliant neuroscientist whose areas of expertise are the biology of human behavior and the physiological effects of stress. He studied a troupe of baboons in Kenya over a 30 year period. They have a very hierarchical structure and everyone in the troop knows who they can pick on and who they can get picked on by.

    They spend a lot of time grooming each other, much more than necessary for hygiene. If facilitates social bonding. Those who are of higher rank get groomed more. Through behavior observation and blood samples Sapolsky was able to document the physiological benefits of social grooming . However, here’s something interesting: the one doing the grooming got more benefit than the one being groomed. I think that has interesting implications for massage therapists. Indeed, in my own life I’ve found that my work was calming in times of stress.

    @edh96 , that’s a lot. You’ve been slammed. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. I hope that in real life you find someone with whom you can cuddle but perhaps we can still be of support at a distance.

  • edited October 2021

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  • edited October 2021

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  • @Babichev I will follow up on that. I love good research that supports my deeply felt hurt instincts. Thank you!

  • edited October 2021

    @UCpaaHVg6u0 , Sapolsky has a lot of published research. I’m not sure exactly where that particular piece is published. I heard him say that at a keynote speech at a pain conference. He appears quite a bit in the documentary, “Stress, Portrait of a Killer.” You also see images of primates grooming each other quite a bit. Physical contact is a great stress buster for primates and other mammals.

    The documentary shows what has been learned about the toll stress takes on our lives in terms of our health.

  • Try yoga. Find strength in showing up for yourself, to better yourself, to better your mind body& spirit.
    You create your emotions, choose the best ones possible. 🕉

  • @karas_kuddles , we do not necessarily create our emotions and to tell that to someone who is struggling can be quite harmful.

    Our brain chemistry is influenced and controlled by many things completely outside of our control. Being born premature, being born to a mother who suffered from depression, the environment we grew up in, childhood adverse events such as abuse or the death of a parent, all of these things and more can have effects that can last a lifetime.

    There are circumstances in life that are out of our control as well. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, enduring the isolation the current pandemic has forced on many, are all outside of our control.

    Are there things we can take control of in our life? Yes. Are our emotions one of them? Not entirely. We can do things to influence them but we cannot entirely control them.

    Can yoga be helpful? For some people, yes, but it’s not a panacea. For some people it has been downright harmful. Same with meditation.

    It’s not so facile and to suggest that it is can add to the burden of those already struggling.

  • @Babichev , so happy to see you mention Mr. Sapolsky! There is an entire semester of his lectures at Stanford on YouTube and it is BRILLIANT!! You don't have to be a scientist to understand or appreciate or even enjoy his classes. Mark of a truly gifted teacher.
    The one on depression is particularly helpful, especially if you are prone to, or indeed in a depression. He shines a compassionate light on the big messy complicated ocean that is the human psyche, and relieves us all of some of the responsibility. I love him.

  • Yes, I’ve listened to that series of lectures, some of them more than once. I got to hear him speak in person and then had some conversation with him after his keynote address a couple of years ago. He’s brilliant.

    Here’s just a short one on depression:

  • edited October 2021

    This hour long lecture goes into the biology of depression. You don’t need to follow the chemistry to appreciate the message, that depression is a brain chemistry disorder, not a character flaw.

    One of the things that research has shown is that vigorous exercise (as opposed to moderate exercise) can help to alleviate the symptoms of depression. So can massage. Of course, the Catch-22 is that when one is depressed, it’s very, very difficult to work up the energy to exercise.

    By the way, I am emphatically NOT suggesting the OP is clinically depressed. I’m putting this information out for two reasons: one is that IF someone who is feeling stuck and lonely thinks that depression might be part of it, they can recognize it, realize they are not at fault, and get appropriate treatment. The other is that some of the ways of dealing with depression may also be helpful for feeling stuck and lonely.

    @edh96 , I’m so sorry you don’t live in my city because you sound like someone who would be nice to know.

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