Having such a torrid time in life the last 3 years. Lost my mom in late 2018, then my dad at the start of this year (which brought complicated grief because we were never close), almost got caught in a tornado and lost my job at the end of 2019 and been unemployed since, went through an awful "situationship" with an ex friend which ended right before COVID, moved last summer and been isolated almost completely since, live with my sister and her bf, both of whom I do not get along with at all, lacking physical contact for months at a time, haven't made progress in college in 3 years and even got suspended from my degree program at one point, got diagnosed with BPD and did therapy for 9 months before quitting this week due to funds getting lower and little to no progress made in months, connecting with people solely through online and no interactions in person apart from my narc sister who I try to avoid, struggling internally with loneliness, depression, rage, suicidal thoughts, maladaptive daydreaming, and so much anxiety over driving or going anywhere in an unfamiliar area since I moved here last summer, only started taking some walks in the area 2 months ago because of that, and just all around completely lost right now not knowing where I'm going, who I am, who I want to be, and where I want to go and so on.
Sound bad? I've had worse periods actually, but life has never hit me with a storm this bad in such a short amount of time. Life has sucked since late 2018 and it often feels like improvement is never coming. The only thing I did improve was some of my relationships like with a childhood friend of 15 years, an online friend of 8 years, and my nephew, plus I made a great sports group chat and added several guys who share that common interest. I do wish I had more friends and relationships in general though. Not just people to chat with, but authentic, consistent connection. Online or real life, don't really care, I'd take either. I just feel lost and stuck but having more positive people around sure would help in making life more bearable. Don't expect anyone here to care. Just thought I'd get this off my chest somewhere.