How could one improve communication skills?

Travismo

I’ve always had a very hard time talking to people, especially through text, and it’s made it nigh impossible for me to find cuddles without just hiring a pro. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem paying a professional and I appreciate beyond words that you wonderful people exist or else I’d have no cuddles at all. But I only have so much money to throw around and honestly the thought that no one would spend time with me unless I was paying them is popping up more and more often.
Anyway, I was hoping that someone might know of some sort of class or maybe a book I could read that would help me figure out how to greet people and carry on conversations. It feels very much like something that just comes naturally to you unless it doesn’t, but if anyone has suggestions I’m all ears.

DaringSprinter

As an autistic, I feel you deeply here. Normal communication isn't something that comes naturally to me, either.

For me, what's worked best is studying things like spelling and grammar: reading a whole lot of published books to get a feel for how to communicate in text, how to express what I want to say in a way that's easy to understand. Just about any genre works for that!

In person... well, in person I still kind of suck.

But online, I'm pretty decent at getting my thoughts across! The next tricky part, of course, is figuring out what thoughts to communicate and which to keep to yourself....

At present, I tend to err on the side of openness. That may change later. I'd say to try stuff out, see what works for you.

JoyfulHeart

@Travismo to answer your question, my suggestion would be to keep practicing. Many kinds of skills can grow in that way. That said, I think that communication issues are very common in the human race, and I suspect that some of the difficulty you have is just as much the result of the other person's communication difficulties. Keep doing your best, keep being yourself, and I believe good results will come.

Also, it is my wish for you that you find someone who will cuddle with you "just because."

Travismo

Thanks, @DaringSprinter, I feel much the same. It’s not so much knowing how to convey my thoughts as it is what thoughts to convey. Initiating a conversation is definitely the biggest hurdle.
@JoyfulHeart I think you’re right, I’ve been trying to meet as many pros as I can to practice meeting new people and I think I’ve improved at least a little. Perhaps I could try the same thing with messaging. Thanks for your input and your well-wishes. Prosperity and love to you and yours!

Lovelight

"But I only have so much money to throw around and honestly the thought that no one would spend time with me unless I was paying them is popping up more and more often."

What makes you think there are no enthusiasts who would spend time with you?

"Anyway, I was hoping that someone might know of some sort of class or maybe a book I could read that would help me figure out how to greet people and carry on conversations."

To greet people/start a conversation, you can say something like "Hey" followed by positively mentioning something you noticed about the person's profile, or empathizing with something they said, etc. You can also ask them questions, especially open-ended ones. Though give them* a chance to ask as well, if they are comfortable and interested to talk, they will reciprocate. If they don't, it usually has nothing to to with you. So best do move on to others.

Other than that, I've not read them, though you might find these books fruitful:

Furthermore, here are a couple of links you can give a read:

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/amp/ncna1005941

https://www.wikihow.com/Talk-to-People?amp=1

https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-ultimate-book-for-someone-who-wants-to-be-a-good-conversationalist

SoftHairForDays

@Travismo - I agree with what's been presented above. If there is anything specific you're having trouble communicating about, my inbox is always open and I can give you suggestions if you'd like. 😊 I do tend to think that communication (overall) is difficult for many people, so you're not alone in feeling this way.

CuddleDuncan

@Travismo

Firstly, some threads you may already have seen which should be helpful in making cuddle buddies:

• How I Found Happiness on Cuddle Comfort

• How I Found Happiness on CC Part 2: The First Meeting

Secondly, an observation. From you initial post it is clear that you are worth talking to. (It is thoughtful and well written.) This leads me to two conclusions. First, your communication skills are just fine: there may be an odd gap but you'll fill those in soon enough. Secondly, the thing that is "missing" for you is therefore something slightly different.

Thirdly, a comment. You remark, "It feels very much like something that just comes naturally to you unless it doesn’t". Now, it is true that it comes 'naturally' to some people, but that doesn't mean that it's not a learnable skill. Because it absolutely is. The people to whom it comes 'naturally' mostly just happened to learn it when they were three years old.

Fourthly, you ask what thoughts to convey. This also takes practice. The answer is, the nice ones. Not too personal, especially at first. Your target for an expressed thought is not 'the most amazing thing they have ever heard' it's merely something which 'isn't offensive, or too far below the average'. Err on the side of openness (as @DaringSprinter suggests) if the thought is about you: err on the side of caution if it is about them. Never ever say anything bad about anybody or anything.

Fifthly, great advice already in this thread. Take it all.

Lastly, some tips - sorry, life hacks.

Always remember that you deserve a cuddle buddy as much as anybody else. That doesn't mean you are entitled to anything, but it may help with confidence in crucial moments. You are not a supplicant begging for a favour: you are a worthwhile human being taking part in equal negotiation. If this conversation doesn't lead anywhere so what .... there are seven billion people on the planet, it's only a matter of time.

Get the basics right. Know your stuff. Go through the respectful's posts at the start of the FAQ thread again. Scroll back half a dozen pages on this board and the professional board and skip through any threads that look like they might contain snippets of advice.

Practice the basic shape of communication with a stranger. Say something interesting and relevant about yourself, then set up the other person with an open conversational goal. An open question is a good way of doing this. "Australia? No, I haven't been but I did fly over it on the way back from New Zealand. Hours of red desert, it was wonderful. What's the best thing you ever saw from an aeroplane window?"

Care about the other person. If you are genuinely interested in somebody it's much easier to talk to them. On a related note, put yourself in their shoes. Have you been in a similar situation yourself? What did you feel? They will be different of course, but it's a starting point.

The essence of civilised behaviour is putting the other person before yourself: if you are both doing that, you will get along very quickly. If you are doing it and they are not, you will get somewhere ..... before you realise that the situation is inequitable and you're better off without them. There are two types of people, Radiators and Sinks. Sinks have their value, but they aren't worth chasing. Also they are more common and therefore, like buses, there will be another one along in a minute.

I haven't done this, but if you're writing to somebody with no profile picture you could say, "I see you have no profile pic. Is this because you don't want to be swamped with messages, or are you a vampire whose photo cannot be recorded?" with appropriate emojis.

The Queen meets a vast number of people, and when she is stuck for something to say she famously has a standard question. "Have you come far?" It's a good question, and can be adapted to various online and in person situations.

With a professional you know well, ask them to help you practice a role play with you where they take the role of a potential cuddle buddy who you are meeting for the first time. Not everybody will be willing or able to give this a shot, but there's no harm in asking. It's likely to collapse into laughter, but that's ok. Alternatively, role play where you are the professional and they are a nervous first time client.

Finally, what you are trying to do is teach yourself a learnable skill. You are already past halfway there. You are already doing the right things. If you keep going, it is certain to work in the end.

I think just realizing we are all growing and learning. And we all have room for improvement. I know I make mistakes in how I communicate and how I might come across. So, I think owning up to mistakes and frustrations is useful. Apologizing if you maybe upset someone. Care about other people and not just get into yourself too much, but think about them also. I think I might have to own up with doing this with even one of the people here in this thread, but hey, it is nice to also be vulnerable with how you feel. Though, knowing when to guard yourself is good as well. Guarding as not letting things in that cause yourself to dwell in negative thoughts. And if those things come in, again, own up and admit what you did. Maybe with someone who you trust. Idk if this helps. I am not trying to make a self help guide. Have a good one.

TheFunCartel

Ok. At the core of what I do for a living is exactly this. Because I deal with architects and commercial designers all day long in my line of work on projects that range from a few hundred thousand dollars to billion dollar projects in Dubai, I need them on my side or at least interested quickly in me and my presentation or telling me their dilemma so I can solve their problem. As @DaringSprinter said there is a considerable difference between the written word and speech. I have seen some highly intelligent people write with perfection and stumble in a basic conversation and it is pretty apparent why.

Those who stumble are usually in their head too much and talk without purpose and forget one basic tenet—observe, observe, observe. First thing I do when I sit down in an office is scan their pics, awards, plaques etc. Hey, their diploma may be on the wall saying University of X. I may have never been there, but I might say “I have heard a lot about that school. How did you like it?” The key is always to get them talking because the conversation will flow from there. A person’s personal items provide a lot of visual clues that are a treasure trove of questions.

If you are not in their space this works as well. Their clothing is always a great ice breaker. “Cool shoes, where did you get those?” or “Interesting color.” Keep the questions open ended and let them respond and fill in the spaces. Maybe they have a shirt or cap with their favorite sports team or band—ask them if they have ever seen them live or how long have they liked them. Second tenet—PEOPLE LOVE WHEN YOU HAVE TAKEN NOTE OF THEM IN SOME WAY. This does not mean false flattery; it means I have studied you and I am interested in X.

Third tenet—be humble. Too many people talk to impress and this is actually a turn off. My favorite phrase to use on potential new clients or when I am at a networking event is to simply say “You are the expert on this can you tell me about that in layman’s terms?” Most people love to hear that you respect their knowledge and are effusive in giving it to you (especially when they have a cocktail in hand). Remember, striking up a conversation is not about ego, intelligence or your insecurity—it is about drawing in the other person. Asking basic questions is the first invitation to them to engage with a fascinating person—you. But let them want to know more about you by wanting to hear about them. Everyone has an ego at work whether they care to admit it or not, and when one takes an interest in something about them, the inquirer becomes a bit more enticing to them.

Fourth tenet—be comfortable in silence. Ask your question and provide some time for them to respond. If you asked a question like I put forth above, “ Cool shoes, where did you get them?” let them ponder for a few moments. If they are mulling a bit too long then speak, and be relatable. A good reply would be, “I get it, I wouldn’t want to reveal my sources either.” This seems small and insignificant, but it isn’t. The silence puts the onus on them; they either can’t remember, don’t like you and are scheming to escape you, or they really do not want to tell you. But in their silence they are ceding control of the conversation to you, and when you make your response of “I get it, I wouldn’t…” you have either taken the pressure off them and they are grateful to you, you have changed their minds about you, or they reply that they really couldn’t remember. OR….

…Fifth tenet—not everyone is going to gel with you or want to engage with you at that moment. I can be very chatty but I am very much a leave me alone type on airplane flights. I take my seat and the Beats go on my head. This is nothing personal! You have to be ok with someone not wanting to talk. It happens and it is their loss. I understand that I have probably missed out on several interesting people on the several hundred plane flights I have been on, but it was never about those people—it is more about my distaste for air travel now days and my coping mechanism is cocooning in my own aural world until the wheels touch down again. Someone else might have a hectic, noisy job and sitting on a bench in the noon sun in silence is their way of decompressing.

Finally—practice, practice, practice! If you never talk to anyone then you are only talking to the person that needs practice—you!

MxSmith

Thinking back on our cuddle session and how absolutely wonderful it was talking to you, I'm flabbergasted. But I understand there are certain moments of conversation that serve to get things started and if anxiety creeps in, even the best of conversationalists may find themselves without words.

Covid doesn't help the fact that people are still avoiding natural places you might normally meet and have normal conversations. I think the first step is finding the setting. I tend to become friends with people I have reoccurring simple interactions with. I meet strangers at coffee shops, at work, in class, at a random BBQ. Those people you have natural ordinary things to talk about. And during those simple interactions (I find small talk to be boring, but also important. Thats when you feel someone's general vibe and notice initial red flags). Small talk is actually when the first step of trust is built. After the normal boring interactions is when you get to the good stuff; vulnerability, intimacy, friendship, romance. If you want to take a class, I'd recommend looking at psychology classes. I remember learning in a psych class that the #1 reason for attraction more than anything else is proximity because proximity creates familiarity. If you are regularly running into someone, you will feel more comfortable around them and are more likely to chat and already feel connected. Proximity can also backfire like a song you hear too much on the radio. People can get tired of seeing you all the time. Its a balance.

My most basic suggestion is just to be curious and affirming. Most people want to feel known and appreciated. But seriously , (not as a pro cuddler) YOU ARE SO DELIGHTFUL!! I'm tempted to say "its not you, its them", but whatever, I understand how anxiety derails our natural skills sometimes.

Good luck!!

TheFunCartel

@MxSmith Small talk might be boring but if someone is not adept at It they will most likely not progress further down the road with anyone, especially an intimate partner. A class can only help so much and proximity is pretty much common sense. We become enamored with people we see or converse with often. More than anything, small talk is practice, practice, practice because you improve and you also learn to tolerate rejection. Small talk was already becoming a lost art and then the pandemic aggravated it further. But those who can penetrate the first wall of human contact naturally are rewarded far more often than those who can’t even strike up a conversation. I think @travismo sounds like he is struggling with small talk. And normally a fear of rejection is the heart of any anxiety.

Small talk may be small but it leads to big things. In addition, good small talk, while appearing superficial, will make someone want to have those more intimate, deeper discussions with you. There is no magic wand to it other than doing it, being introspective about what you did right or wrong and continuously tweaking your approach.

Chris04

How can one improve......
Meaning, one already have knowledge....
My answer: Practice

MxSmith

I just wanted to mention a thing I recently discovered. Not sure if I can list the website, but there is such a thing as paid platonic friends, which is far less expenstive than cuddling. The one I was looking at is specifically no cuddling allowed, but you might be able to find some people to enjoy other activities with.

RadiantHugs

@Travismo there is great advice provided here already, but one thing that really helped me is to develop a sense of being able to learn how to 1) laugh at myself, and 2) laugh right along with others when I'm at the butt of a joke. When you no longer worry in your head about how others will perceive you and how to shape your words so they will "land" a certain way, conversation flows naturally and easily. Also, IMO the key to being a good conversationalist is to build great listening skills; you want to ask the questions and actively take an interest when people get talking about themselves.

MCcuddles2

@Travismo I see that you are in Portland.

I found a circling group in your area.

https://www.meetup.com/Authentic-Portland/

These groups have meetups which are designed around social games. The social games are very structured and teach you the art of connection. They allow you to experiment and play with connection.

This helped me immensely in the past.

I encourage you to attend the meetups.

Travismo

I appreciate all of this useful feedback, you guys are much more helpful than google.
@CuddleDuncan thanks so much for these resources, lots of good advice To read through!
@MxSmith you are probably the easiest person to talk to I’ve ever met, likely a combination of your natural charisma and our many shared interests.
@MCcuddles2 that sounds like a great opportunity, but unfortunately I’m in Portland TN, which is a drastically different place than Portland OR and the only social games we have here are beer pong and cornhole.

MCcuddles2

@Travisemo well the good news is, due to the pandemic, the games are online. So you can still participate. You can participate in the online games of any big city. I will guarantee that this will pay dividends in terms of social skills.

Travismo

I don’t know how I never knew about this, but this Meetup app seems like a great way to meet people and practice socializing. Thanks!

MCcuddles2

Not just the app, but the particular games i linked you too.

Though the app is great too.

PeopleLikeUs

The term to Google is "Interpersonal Communication Skills"

I would never have guessed by your OP that you felt troubled in this area. It is extremely well written. There is a little tact involved in drawing people into something like the idea of cuddling.

I've had three or four rewrites on my profile. The best advice I got along the way was to open with what I have to offer others and to close with what I expect or would like to get from others. The middle can include descriptives.

I have come across some outlandish approaches that I think are better than mine. But a genuine original approach is a must. You want it to reflect who you are which you seem to do.

Travismo

I’ve never really thought about it, but it’s a lot easier for me to write on the forums than to message an individual. I have the same experience with public speaking, I used to perform in theatre and it was the easiest thing in the world to just memorize a script and then repeat it in front of an audience. But talking to one person is very stressful. I think the real issue for me is the paralyzing anxiety when I’m trying to think of what to say or how to respond. Sometimes even a simple question like “what kind of movies do you like” will cause my brain to shutdown and suddenly I can’t remember any movie I’ve ever seen.

sillysassy

Oh my!!! So much good information here.
A few people mentioned that a fear of rejection is at the heart of anxiety.
In my experience that seems to be true more often than not. I think it is lovely that you see your strengths (theater and such) but are interested in getting better at things that don't come as easily.
I agree with most people here, in the sense that you come across very well in the written word. You seem like you are amazing and with a heart that desires knowledge, hopefully you will find whatever it is you need.

You are a beautiful human Mr. @travismo and even though TN might not have the same MeetUps as OR, I love love love the MeetUp platform. They have so many groups organized for a plethora of interests. Its actually how I found Cuddle Comfort to begin with!!

Good luck in your journey.... You seem to be well on your way. 😊😊😊

Lovelight

@MxSmith

"Covid doesn't help the fact that people are still avoiding natural places you might normally meet and have normal conversations."

I concur, I think it's making some people 'conversationally illiterate', and more anxious or socially shy. I somewhat or mostly went from being immensely socially shy: could barely even look at new people, particularly men, in the eyes. Or say hi to others, it was so bad that I sometimes tried writing "Hello" or something on a piece of paper to show them and even that I think was never a success. To eventually becoming more confident, hence, I hope my newly found 'social confidence' still has enough to last for however long it needs to.

Speaking of which, @Travismo I think it's great that you had the opportunities to socialize in person with pros. Another tip that I faintly remember is: don't worry so much about the outcome. Meaning when you come across someone new, especially in person, don't feel like it has to go anywhere. Instead, start with building rapport. Also, whatever self-perceived imperfection you may have, many people are probably too caught up with their issues, or perceived imperfections to notice or care about yours. We are more than our imperfections.

It's also worth noting that, there are people you'll find are easier for you to connect with, as you've noticed. While others might need a bit more effort or something to possibly get there. I neither say this to keep pushing someone who seems uninterested, nor to lose ourselves trying to solve the ~unsolvable. Though I am at times interested in understanding the reasons why my conversations with some flow naturally from the get-go. While with others, it's rather dry. Which at times prompts me to wonder how I might be able to improve that.

Though I also keep in mind that it should be a team effort if I'm to have a good rapport with someone. In doing so, it helps to also not quickly discard others as people we could potentially have a good connection with. Because just maybe you caught someone on a bad day, a day that they aren't much of a conversationalist with new people. So instead of passing judgement on them or thinking it's because of you, you can consider offering them a snickers bar. Or at least the distance they need and the openness to reestablish better contact with you, should they want to. Though I wouldn't wait around much if any, cause ain't nobody got time for that lol.

I actually had a case like that at least once that I recall. *There was * a lady next to me at a library mumbling about how she can't figure out how to do something on the computer. I gave her the solution to which she reacted *with hostility *. I simply said something like "okay..." And went on about my day. It hurt a bit to help someone and to be responded with like that. Though I thought maybe she felt insecure or something. Then ran into her another day, I'm not sure if she apologized, though she was friendly to me and I actually ended up helping her again with something else. Which she was she wasn't hostile about, and if I properly recall, she was grateful for.

Babichev

Communication is an ongoing learning process.

One of the things that I do is pay attention to ways others communicate that seem to work well and then adopt those approaches.

xandriarain

I was pretty socially awkward most of my life and was an outcast in school. What really helped me learn to get comfortable talking to new people was my time in sales. After knocking on the doors of hundreds of strangers whom I knew would probably see me as a nuisance I grew indifferent to rejection and got comfortable making friendly conversation with complete strangers. I was forced to quickly find common ground with strangers and break the ice. There is also the famous "How to win friends and influence people". Also, many male enthusiasts struggle to find female enthusiasts on here due to the ratio of men to women on here so I wouldn't take it super personally.

Disclaimer: I don't recommend door to door sales as a career, it was absolutely awful moneywise and the people I worked for were very crooked but it was a great form of exposure therapy for me

TheFunCartel

@Babichev That is the best advice on this thread. Totally on point.

Babichev

@FunCartel - thank you. Where I’ve been acutely aware of this has been in my professional life. I assisted under some great instructors and then was mentored by some exceptional clinicians. I would notice how they would articulate certain concepts that were particularly clear, or how they adapted their communication to a particular person because communication is never one size fits all. Of course, then we have our own trial and error as we encounter our own real life situations. Although I don’t think of it specifically as “communication,” one of my greatest pleasures in life is good conversation and that is about communication, isn’t it?

Part of it is about learning to express our thoughts well but equally important is the listening and understanding of the other person. What interests them? What is their point of view? What is their communication style? What is interesting about them? What are the questions that will get them to open up and tell their story?

UKGuy

Practice is probably the key. The more you do most things, the better you get. I think knowing when to speak and knowing when to just listen is an important factor. Since I'm naturally an introvert, most of the time, I'm more of a listener than a speaker. Face-to-face communication is by far the best. Unfortunately it is becoming rare and rarer these days. Communication via text or email is especially difficult because the other person cannot see your mannerisms and body language or hear your tone of voice and they often misunderstand your meaning.

Hmm
There are lots of responses and so much of variety in thinking 🤔
My take on this is.. it depends.. and it’s always not your problem Travismo or anyone who might feel that way. There are many girls here who might not like to respond be it professional or not. They just don’t. It could be their preference and might be procrastinating as well. For the same message I got responses sometimes and I didn’t get any at times. Only difference, is the girls that you are writing to. I would chill and hope that people should keep their end of bargain, that is to respond. Yes, No, may be, whatever.. no response means nothing

Babichev

@stdisc0827 - That is another issue altogether that @xandriarain also brought up.

@Travismo , communication may not be your problem. You seem able to communicate very well here. However, the unfortunate facts of the matter is that many men find it difficult to connect with enthusiast (non-pro) cuddlers on this site. The ratio of men to women is about 4:1. Of the women on the site, many are pros, so the ratio of men to enthusiast women is undoubtedly higher than that. A number of the women with profiles on this site are inactive (check the “Last online” part of their profile.) And of those with profiles who are nominally active, many are still reluctant to cuddle with men unknown to them, especially if they are of an age they consider outside of their preferred range. Of those of us who do actually connect with men from this site and get together with them for cuddles, many of us have discouraging experiences i.e. guys who are pushy or definitely pushing boundaries.

So, there’s an unfortunate problem - perfectly nice men who want to engage in platonic cuddling with women but can’t find an enthusiast with whom to cuddle and women who get a lot of messages from men but are either reluctant from the start or do cuddle and then have a bad experience, adding to their reluctance.

The concept it great and it does work out but in practice the execution can be difficult and that is no fault of yours.

Morpheus

Look up toastmasters in your area. It’s more about public speaking but can help you immensely.