Feeling a bit disheartened

SeriousSnuggler

I joined a few months ago and I have yet to find someone who is here genuinely looking for platonic cuddles. Mostly I discover this through messaging, which is great. Less time is wasted and my safety is not at risk.

Many of the people I chat with just don't know how to have a conversation. As an enthusiast, this is super important to me as I don't want to spend time with someone I couldn't be friends with and have deep, meaningful talks with while we spend time together.

Those two things are frustrating enough but what I am really losing hope in with CC is the few people who I have decided to meet with in person seem to think there may be more on offer. Some have talked about the possibility of dating even though I never brought up anything of the sort.

But worst of all is the men who decide to see if they can get away with groping me while we are cuddling. They do this even after one or more face to face meetings where I explicitly state I am not interested in anything other platonic cuddling.

I have had 3 cuddling sessions and all 3 have tried to make a move. I have done what I know and have read on the forums how to screen people. I've been up front and crystal clear with my expectations and yet this keeps happening.

To head off the questions I have reported people but 2 of them either deleted or deactivated their accounts before I could do anything. I know that there are people out there who are looking for strictly platonic cuddles but I will say from my perspective it's hard to be an enthusiast woman cuddler with so many bad actors out there.

lonelytauros

Since you’ve had three cuddles, and all three were pushing your boundaries, you might want to consider hiring a pro

SeriousSnuggler

@lonelytauros I appreciate the suggestion but that was not the point of my post. I'm here to try and make genuine, authentic platonic connections. It is exhausting for me to sort through the people who are misrepresenting their intentions.

biancalovecraft

Hey! I feel all your pains, but can tell you from vast experience that people who don't communicate ideally can be really wonderful people and cuddlers. You have to lead, and I know that's not always conducive to a vulnerable, cuddly mood. You have to set a standard firmly and be direct. Hang in ❤️

LadyVel

🥺🫂
I'm sorry to hear that your first experiences have been bad here. There are men who genuinely want to platonically cuddle but it can be difficult sometimes to find them.
As a pro, I have definitely had my fair share of weeding through people.

An idea...change the consent method you are using?
I am guessing you are using a "blanket yes" consent where you state your boundaries clearly before a session and go from there?

There is another method called "ask and wait" and it's exactly as it sounds. If any boundaries are known, can state them, then each person asks if it's okay to do something before doing it. It gives each person time to pause and check in with their body and feelings. Then they get to say yes, or no, or can give an alternative if they are no, or to say no, is there anything else?

P1: may I hug you?
waits
P2: yes you may.

P2: May I play with your hair?
waits
P1: Not right now but could you rub my back?
P2: yes!

You can state to the other person that you'd be wanting to do use this consent method for the cuddle (at least the first 1) and could make it a rule to ask each time or once it's been cleared, can do the same action again without asking. It allows both people to explore their own boundaries and helps stress than consent to touch is very important.

Once trust has been established, you can either continue this method or stop needing to ask and go with just your boundaries.

I wish you safe and warm cuddles. 🫂

SweetPeaJen

It takes awhile to weed through the sleaze sometimes. LOL I don't meet anyone without chatting for quite awhile on the site. Sometimes weeks, or even months of talking. Keep your communication on here. If they have other intentions they usually eventually bring them up, and you can stop communication then. It took several months, but I finally found a local person who is only interested in platonic cuddles and friendship, and we have become very good friends.

Perhaps put something in your profile about not looking to date? I know that it should be a given, but it's apparently not. LOL! Be very upfront that if your boundaries are crossed, you will leave, and report them. And LadyVel is absolutely right about having them ask if they can do something before doing it. If they object ("Oh, I just like to go with the flow" 🙄), then they aren't here for the right reasons. Feel free to message me directly if you have further questions!

Bear

@LadyVel
I didn't know that was the name of it. That's how I learned to Cuddle when I started going to Cuddle parties. Would somebody knew I always ask and wait. I don't give a blanket yes until I get to know somebody. It does put the person at ease.

@SeriousSnuggler
I hope you find what you are looking for.

JasonCuddles

The ask and wait method worked very well for me.

In response to the OP, the only, possibly not great, advice I have is to go slow. In my experience the people who push are also impatient.

SuperManCuddles

Welcome to the site. Sorry that you ran across many boundary pushers. I hope that you find platonic cuddles as well. I have attended many facilitated cuddle parties before. These type of parties have created a safe space for many people seeking platonic cuddles. The party is led by a trained facilitator, boundaries and consent are discussed/practiced prior to cuddling. There are also at least 2 people that you can talk to if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable at any moment as well. You search the internet for cuddle party in you’re area.

natickben

I'm sorry this happened to you. And yeah, I honestly don't know how there are any women who cuddle on this site given the preponderance of this bad behavior.

sillysassy

@SeriousSnuggler
I’m so sorry that you keep getting boundary pushers 😕
I can relate. And I’m not going to tell you that you’re doing anything wrong because it sounds like you have a really strong sense of what you are looking for and also a clear method of screening. Kudos to you for reporting the bad behavior as well.

I know that there are people out there who are looking for strictly platonic cuddles but I will say from my perspective it's hard to be an enthusiast woman cuddler with so many bad actors out there.

You are 100% spot on. It is disheartening to encounter so many who don’t want to engage in cuddling JUST for cuddling sake.

I also don’t think there is an easy answer or some cliche phrase that will help remedy the situation.

The most beautiful thing you have said is how much you know yourself and how strongly you align with an ideal. ALSO it sounds like you value yourself enough to know that you will NOT SETTLE!!

GOOD JOB YOU!!!

You deserve to find honest, authentic cuddle connections!!

There are some out there… this is true. But finding one or two needles in the haystack takes a lot of perseverance.

Again. So sorry you have encountered the riff raff. Sending healing hugs your way. 😊☀️🌼

JohnR1972

@SeriousSnuggler - 3 out of 3 bad cuddles would certainly be disheartening for anyone. Sorry to hear about your experience to date. 😢

FWIW, assuming that sample of 3 was drawn from a random sample of men on this site, statistically that means somewhere between 37% and 100% of the men on this site behave that way.

I know it is not 100% but whatever the true percentage is, it is way too high.

Chances are though that your sample is not random, you are likely being targeted by predators because you are new. I am not at all justifying their behavior, just commenting on why you may be seeing so many men trying something - predators know they have a better chance of “slipping in” before new members of this site figure out how to optimize their screening process.

It sounds like you had a decent screening process if you were engaging them in conversation online then meeting in public before ever meeting to cuddle.

Just one suggestion, you may want to connect with other women enthusiasts in your area and see if there are any trusted cuddle partners they would recommend. Also, if you are looking at a man’s karma, you might want to look at whether the karma was left by a pro or an enthusiast. I suspect some pros MIGHT be less inclined to leave accurate karma for fear of retaliation karma which would potentially hurt their income (not throwing shade at pros, just acknowledging the inherent incentives / disincentives in leaving karma).

Good luck!

Ltkit

@SeriousSnuggler , I'm sorry you've had these experiences, which I know are shared by many here. If I were near Cali I would definitely video chat with you to see if we vibe and the cuddle you if our boundaries synced. I hope you don't give up on therapeutic cuddles because with the right enthusiasts or pros it can be very healing. 🌻

CuddleHugs01234

@SeriousSnuggler I’ll send you a pm about my thoughts.

And I just saw you’re super close to @lonelytauros. I haven’t cuddled him because of the distance, but I can say I’d cuddle him in a heartbeat!!!

And I love what @LadyVel posted!

BashfulLoner

@SeriousSnuggler its not as easy as it sounds. Yes even those with the best intent have their own intentions. I've experienced some of the same things but mostly don't get past the chatting. After a few exchanges i get left without any response. Im guessing because my intentions are either misinterpreted or they are interpreted correctly. They move on to find more of what fits what they are looking for or they just give up on the site. To put it another way - i don't have the answers sway.

SeriousSnuggler

Thank you to everyone for your comments, thoughts, and suggestions. One of the reasons I posted was because I was feeling like giving up on CC and hoped that others would hear and be empathetic which is what has happened.

@sillysassy your post meant so much to me! Thank you for your validation, affirmation, and support 💛

@JohnR1972 two of them did have several 5 star karma left and yes most karma is left by pros. It is just an added level of frustration that the karma system isn't trustworthy or accurate or that some people or maybe just on good behavior for pros? I know there are other discussions on this topic so I don't need to derail here but what's the point of karma if it can't be trusted and we need to follow up and investigate where it came from?

@LadyVel Wow this was incredible advice! I was indeed using blanket yes. I didn't even know about the Ask & Wait method. Be sure that I will certainly be using this moving forward! I appreciate your insight.

Erin_Elle_

@SeriousSnuggler I’m sorry you are feeling disheartened. I can empathize. 🥰

LadyVel

@SeriousSnuggler No problem. I hope it helps and works for you. 🫂

Katota

Many of the people I chat with just don't know how to have a conversation.

@SeriousSnuggler HA! You notice that too, huh?😁😉
I'm dealing with another one of those right now, I'll likely be giving up communicating with him too eventually. It's exhausting having to continue to always LEAD the conversation with someone🙄, so I relate to your plight on that. 😌

Some have talked about the possibility of dating even though I never brought up anything of the sort.

Yep, I have connected with bozos (luckily I have not encountered many of them in person, thank goodness 😉) on CC who believes in "cuddling equals dating/sex/marriage"...UGH!😌🙄😖

But worst of all is the men who decide to see if they can get away with groping me while we are cuddling. They do this even after one or more face to face meetings where I explicitly state I am not interested in anything other platonic cuddling.

Sighs...So sorry that happened to you, especially after trying 3 times. That's awful!😑

That's not happened to me yet, so far my experience with the 3 cuddlers that are listed on my profile have been pleasant and respectful, minus one cuddler with bad breath issues...🙄😖 BUT, he was still a good cuddler👍 NO boundary crossing issues from him or the other 2 cuddlers listed.😊

I've been up front and crystal clear with my expectations and yet this keeps happening.

CONTINUE DOING THIS^^^👍👍👍
No matter what, state your boundaries and stand your ground. Doing just that, helps to keep me motivated to meet those who are genuinely interested in meeting up with me for platonic cuddling. I encourage you to keep doing just that, and listen to your gut too. If you get that "🤢queasy uneasy feeling🤢" in your stomach that this person just doesn't seem to FULLY understand what PLATONIC MEANS...Even IF they SAY they do, but you still got "🤢🤢QUEASYNESS" in your stomach: DON'T MEET THEM!🤚😑

LOL! NOPE. DON'T. MEET. THEM.🛑🛑🛑

As a woman, I firmly believe in QUEASY FEELINGS being a good sign to avoid danger and possible dangerous situations.🛑🤚
Listen 👂 to THE QUEASY🤢👍, and you'll be okay!😊

it's hard to be an enthusiast woman cuddler with so many bad actors out there

THIS IS TRUE^^^👍👍👍
As a woman enthusiast I understand, just be careful with whom you select to get acquainted with and cuddle with😌...Listen to THE QUEASY🤢 and let it guide you, and may your experiences get better here on Cuddle Comfort. 😁🫂

CharlieBear

If someone pushes your boundaries, def report them and if you are having an issue because they deleted, reach out to me cause we can still ban them if needed. That helps when identifying new accounts they may make.

CharlieBear

Also I am so sorry you have had bad experiences. There are genuine cuddlers out here. And yeah, don’t trust karma, especially if it is low-effort karma being left.

charkh1992

Unfortunately, sometimes some people have the intention of booking sessions with you. Then exchange numbers. Then have the session, then next thing you know they're texting you to see if you can go further and push boundaries. I've noticed it's becoming a problem.

SeriousSnuggler

@Katota being the one to lead all the time is exhausting! Particularly since that is part of my day job I'd love to not have to do that 100% of the time in my hobbies as well. And you are right! Trusting your gut is key! Even when you can't put your finger in the 'why' it's important to listen and walk away. Thank you for affirming that lesson!

bobadevotee

@SeriousSnuggler honestly, I think you need to be more realistic on your expectations. redacted So many guys message me wanting to purchase a girlfriend experience. And so many guys “fall” for their cuddlers (ie. Get obsessed, stalk them, expect them to leave their husbands for them, get furious when she reiterates it is platonic). And of course they’re horrid conversationalists; if they had solid social skills, they’d be able to meet women out in the world with ease. They wouldn’t be on this site.

There’s many reasons your boundaries aren’t being respected. None of it is your fault.
1. Lots of guys here actually get off on pushing boundaries. They then go brag about how far they pushed their pro in other forums off-site. It’s sick and they enjoy victimizing women, and that’s why they are here. They won’t pay for an actual SWer because that would be consensual. They want to push women here because they get off on it being non-consensual.
2. Lots of men think “no means yes”. In all age groups. But especially older ones. Don’t come at me old men, I’m telling you based off a lifetime of experience, a lifetime of old men harassing me nonstop ever since I turned 14. I don’t care if you’re “one of the good ones”.
3. Some think you legitimately are a SWer but are hiding it to not get in trouble with the site. This is the most charitable interpretation of their actions.
4. redacted They don’t respect women, so why would they care about your boundaries?

Sorry you’re having a hard time here, and I hope I don’t sound too harsh, but it’s the hard truth.

Bright side: you’re a woman. Your companionship is an in-demand commodity. I guarantee you that you can find normal, conversational people to cuddle with outside of this site who won’t grope you. Go talk to people IRL. Or if you need a site, I really advise something like Meetup, where there’s way more accountability since real names and photos are required.

Also, be careful. Even if those guys deleted, they can easily make new accounts and try to lure you out, and you won’t realize it’s them until it’s too late unless you screen very thoroughly. Wouldn’t be the first time it happened here.

TeaCuddle

@LadyVel Very insightful and supper useful

TheMidnightOwl

To the OP, I have SO MUCH to say on this topic but I don’t here. I’ll send you a PM.

hey_nikky

@SeriousSnuggler my best/most comfortable sessions have been ones that the Ask & Wait method was used. Definitely give it a try!

bekah_cuddles

@SeriousSnuggler Karma is very hard to trust. From my experience, guys who want good karma will be respectful during the first session (to get that good review and gain your trust) and then push boundaries during the very next session. Since many pros also rely on the karma they receive in return, they may hesitate to edit/remove the karma they left in fear of retaliation, especially if the guy has clearly worked hard to pile up all that "good karma". It's not a great system, but what I'd highly recommend is reaching out privately to those who left brief reviews to get a better idea of how their session(s) actually went - something I intend to do regularly going forward.

sunnysideup

@bobadevotee One thing I would add as to why some wouldn’t hire a SWer also might be because it’s probably a lot cheaper to hire a pro cuddler

I would also maybe add that the ones who have the horrid social skills are more likely to be the ones that hire pros exclusively, as it seems to be that as a guy to cuddle with an enthusiast your conversation skills have to be excellent or at-least normal (unless you get really lucky) (In OP’s case seems like she is cuddling with enthusiasts)

Also I would like to add that as a guy, I’ve been taught by society that in a way that being consistent and somewhat pushy is how you get ahead and even sometimes preferred behavior out of men. And supposedly you can be pushy while being consensual. I don’t agree with this I’m just mentioning some of the negative aspects of dating culture I’m seeing. Not that dating culture should spill over into platonic cuddling but there is a lack of respect for what platonic cuddling is

@SeriousSnuggler As @bobadevotee pointed out those realities sadly exist. There have been some female snugglers that have had consistently good experiences with men, and I believe it’s due to the way they screen people. These are folks like @SunsetSnuggles and @Cuddle_RN .

It’s not your fault for giving folks a chance but hopefully you find a way to filter out folks so that you’re only having good experiences

RedFox16

@SeriousSnuggler I can also emphasize 💗 @Katota and @sillysassy are kind, understanding and resilient enthusiasts and always have ALL the answers! They are great resources for any questions in the future ☺️ I hope you can have better cuddles in the future!

And thank you @sunnysideup for some extra explanation as to why boundary pushing happens.... understanding the "why" can help people know what to do about it!

WestJ

@SeriousSnuggler Sorry their is a lot of that. Try to find someone that has some good karma. It might not be perfect but at least it gives you an idea of the person. I would only cuddle with someone who actually has a filled out profile. You can also meat in a public place first.

You can also cuddle with a Pro that's what i do. I know you said you want a good connection but in my experience after a while I found a pro, we both have a really good connection and cuddle regularly.