For those of you with adult children that don’t live with you, how often do you communicate with them?
I suppose I can also ask, for those of you who don’t live with your parents, how often do you communicate with them?
I ask this question because I have basically set an expectation that my Daughter communicates with me daily and lets me know she’s okay. She went away to college after high school and never moved back home. She’s lived with her boyfriend for 3 years now and has never been a problem. She’s my only child, she’s going on 28 this year. We are very close and have a great relationship. I just like to know that she’s okay. She has days where she will talk my ear off all day long but she also has days where I’ll get a text and a selfie and all she says is, “just checking in Daddy.” She’s very polite and respectful and doesn’t give me grief, I can just tell like I said that there are occasional days where she’s not having it. It makes me wonder sometimes if I’m well within my parental rights or if I’m just being extra.
Personally, I think daily is a lot tho I've been better with my parents in recent years. I might call them once a day or every other day or maybe 1-2x week or text if I'm really busy or stressed. They understand. When things were not at their best, I might have talked with them 1-2x month max as a young adult but things change. Our personalities and values were very different when I was growing up - pragmatic and hardworking Chinese immigrants vs. a hippy and martial arts fanatic.
But in the end, if it ain't broke, don't fix it is how I see it. Interesting topic. Thank you.
Once per week and that’s only with an alarm to remind me. Daily would be extremely difficult and I’d definitely have some issues if that was a “requirement”, especially at 28. Boundaries are a wonderful thing.
@Morpheus posted: "She’s lived with her boyfriend for 3 years now and has never been a problem. She’s my only child, she’s going on 28 this year."
If you want my brutally honest take on this, which I assume you do since you posted this...deep breath...
1 - She's very much a full-grown adult. 2 - She's in a long-term, live-in relationship.
These equate to a hard truth. You are no longer her "person". You aren't the one who needs to be called if there's a car accident, or if she locks herself out of the house. Her boyfriend is. I'm sure as a father, this is a stab to the heart that you don't want to hear or acknowledge, but there's my view on it.
@Morpheus posted: "It makes me wonder sometimes if I’m well within my parental rights or if I’m just being extra."
Again, brutal honesty...
You have no parental rights. You chose to have a child, she did not choose. Parents have responsibilities, not rights.
It sounds like while you have a great relationship, which is wonderful...you are holding on a bit too tightly.
If you care to know my opinion, I would suggest that after some deep thought and maybe a some tears, you sit down with her, or call her sometime, and tell her that you love talking to her and you will always feel the urge to protect her, but that you know she is capable of taking care of herself, and that her boyfriend is her daily person.
Tell her you no longer expect daily communication from her. Tell her she's free to call or text any time, always, but that you are releasing her from this pressure.
My guess is she would respond positively, be relieved, and that you will continue to hear from her regularly...but because she wants to, not because she has to.
big, warm hugs I'd give you a cup of tea and some nice warm coffee cake, if I could. 🫖
~~~
As for me...
I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 17. My choice.
I'm 37 and live with my boyfriend of nearly six years. My mom is in another state. It varies with her...sometimes a few weeks or more, sometimes numerous times per day. I will PM you with details I don't feel like sharing, here.
~ Sunset Snuggles
🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover
When my parents were living, I called once a week. I initiate contact with my kids once a week, but it's usually by text. When we get together face to face, there's usually a bunch of catching up.
Two of them are married, and I fully want their wives to be the center of their world.
I would characterize my relationship with all three as being healthy.
My opinion is that "healthy" looks different for different families.
Like @JoyfulHeart said, everyone’s healthy routine is going to be a bit different. One persons once a week is another person’s daily, etc. For me I maybe reach out about weekly, sometimes I forget and feel like I should do it more often.
A daily check in sounds too much for me though. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong but if you’re concerned about being overbearing I like @SunsetSnuggles approach.
Having daily communication is just a bit too much in my opinion.
There are days where people aren't in a great mood, are tired/exhausted, want to have their own company etc.
I think a better form of communication would be once every 3 days
This way there is also more to speak about as couple of days have passed too.
@Morpheus It sounds like y’all have a good relationship. I would speak directly to her and see what she says.
My sister in law used to talk to her parents daily, until the day they passed away or she passed away. A bit of codependency going on there. I, on the other hand, called my mom once a week or once every two weeks in recent years. Probably less at age 28. Speaking to my dad was more random, but that’s because our relationship was much different than yours and your daughters. So, this is why I’d just speak directly to her. Family dynamics can be so different in each family.
@Morpheus I have a late 20s daughter who is married and lives several hours away. It is NOT an expectation but on average I would estimate we text about 5 days a week (pretty evenly split between her initiating or me initiating the texting). She calls me about once a week on average and we visit in person (me going there or her coming here) probably about once every 6 or 7 weeks on average.
I KNOW her primary relationship is her husband who I like and get along with very well. She and I have a great relationship and she values my thoughts on a wide variety of subjects.
As she was growing up we had all types of deep and meaningful discussions. She always knew my approach was to offer insights and “things you need to consider when deciding about ______” but that I NEVER once told her “you should / have to _______”. I always stressed “the decision is up to you but here are the things you might want to consider when making your decision, and you know I will support whatever you decide. If she asked, I would say “I would do _____” but that was only if she specifically asked, “what would you do?”
My greatest joy in life is that now she returns that favor. I am in a senior leadership position at a not-for-profit organization (a multi-million dollar budget and rapidly approaching 100 employees). There are times when things happen and I can tell my judgment is clouded by emotions. I can call her and discuss the situation, leaving out names and identifying information / details to protect sensitive information. She now talks me through tough choices I have to make and she takes the same approach I do when the roles are reversed.
@JohnR1972 That sounds like a good, healthy relationship and that’s my goal with my family.
Very close to my kid, we text or call maybe every other day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We both initiate, I don't demand, I'm not possessive. We have our own lives. My kid will always be the center of my universe, but it's totally normal and expected that it's no longer reciprocated. They have their own family now.
Growing up I chatted with my mom daily or every few days. I would visit my mom and dad weekly. My dad was not a phone person, so we talked only in person.
I didn't really know my dad too well until mom went into hospice. I would drive him 3-4 times a week to visit her. We would chat on the ride too and from of the visit. I would call him daily at his request to check in on him, especially after she passed.
I truly miss not chatting anymore and regret the times I took it as a chore.
for those of you who don’t live with your parents, how often do you communicate with them?
Well, I call and talk to my mother (as I didn't have a father growing up, it was just her) every few days to every other week. 😊❤️ It used to be a lot more but sometimes my mother let's her mouth get the best of her so I likely won't bother with calling her for a few days to a couple of months. Lol!😄 Funny thing is she'll KNOW that she's pissed me off, and that's when she'll start to CALL ME...Smh, she'll do it as her way of "apologizing" versus actually apologizing. 🙄😏😌
Yes, it's odd but that's just her and how she's always been since the day I was able to recognize her as my mother at a very young age.😊
Lol!😁 I think that's why I am SO ADAMANT about apologizing to my son a lot, whenever I am in the wrong towards him.😌 Yep! That's just her, she has never apologized (even when she's in the wrong) nor has she said "I love you" to any of us as our mother either. Nope! My mother believes in showing acts of love and care, versus verbalizing love and care towards us.😊 In her mind, raising, feeding, clothing and providing shelter (for us three) is ❤️ALL THE LOVE❤️ she needed to show/give us as her children growing up.😊😏
And til this day as adults too 😊
My mother would flip if I didn't talk to her daily. But I've cut her out of my life. My sister is now who I go to for anything I need a parental but especially maternal figure for. It's very rare for us to go a day without talking. We usually talk a few times a day. But I suppose it's different as she's my older sister and not my actual mother.
@CuddleHugs01234 - She is an amazing person and I am blessed to have her in my life. My other daughter (mid 20s) still lives with me but is preparing to move out later this year. I also have a great relationship with her and anticipate us staying close even though we may be living hours apart.
I wish you all the best with your family. I know a lot of parents (men in particular) who have very distant or strained relationships with their adult children.
There’s been a lot of great input. Thank you all. I do want to add that I don’t demand she contacts me daily but more so I expect it. She generally doesn’t contact me on her days off unless she needs something or specifically wants to talk to me because she’s usually off doing something with her boyfriend. I’m gonna take some time to reread everything and take it all in.
Daily for me, is too much and them. I expect weekly and I usually initiate it. They probably never will imitiate it on their own.. because i secretely think they like to ignore my text and message me way later in the day....lol but i am also assumimg it is because of working (we work different hours) or doing things that young adults do with friends (video games) and living their best life. I love my kids to death and they will always come first in my world but I also taught them how to fly once they moved out. Plus, I love the new freedom I have.. which now ends up in boredom.. with no more games to drive them to, or playing taxi for with their friends and malls...but i do miss them terribly. 🥰
I talk to my adult daughters on the phone every 1-2 weeks, though my youngest calls me out of the blue and texts me a lot.
I call my mom once a week, and she likes to talk so when I have to drive alone on long trips, which I do a lot, I call her and we chat sometimes for 2 to 4 hours off and on.
I feel very lucky to have a great relationship with my daughters, their partners, and my mom. Had a good if a little distant relationship with my dad when he was alive. Love his memory dearly. ❤️
I think @SunsetSnuggles nailed it. You and your daughter clearly love each other and have a beautiful relationship, but requiring daily communication is often draining for her, and couching that requirement in "parental rights", especially for an a full grown adult, is over the line.
One of the biggest struggles parents face when their children grow up is recognizing that their children are fully separate beings, full grown adults that require respect and healthy boundaries just like any other adult. What makes this extra difficult is the shift between the parent-little kid relationship, where it is your responsibility to set rules and guide their actions while their brains and bodies develop enough to do that for themselves, to a parent-adult relationship where suddenly they don't need you to do that for them anymore. It's a shift from them having no choice but to see you, respect you, respond to you, etc. to one where they can absolutely choose not to do any of those things and there's nothing you can do about it if that's what they choose. It's a scary thought! But what parents most often miss is that a relationship where your adult child chooses to do those things is what they truly want. Wouldn't it be so much sweeter if your daughter chose to contact you? If she was free on those bad days to share what's bothering her, if she wanted to, because she values your input and support in her life instead of just fulfilling a requirement?
And I want to be clear, fully removing this facade of authority that tries to control and force her to stay in touch with you, WILL be scary. Making this change means that you will have to accept that she is absolutely be free to choose to not contact you every day, or even every week or once a month, or even not at all if that's what she truly wants and needs, and that no matter what she chooses you will still respect her choices just like you would respect the autonomy and choices of any other adult. But you also have to trust your daughter. Trust that even if she doesn't contact you every day that her love for you hasn't changed, trust that she knows what she needs better than you do, because that's what you raised her to do! It's what all that time parenting her was for, to prepare her for a healthy adult life. This is the ultimate test of parenting. Only the children you raise can say whether you're a good parent or not, no one else in the world can know that as clearly and truly as they can, and when they grow up and fly free into the world and are free to make their own choices about how they interact with you is how you'll know.
Sadly, most parents are too afraid that their adult children have the ability to reject them to even let them choose. They refuse to trust them and the relationship they've spent their whole life building enough to let go and see what happens, so they try to control them instead. Demanding things instead of asking, attempting to keep up the facade that nothing has changed and that they in fact can still make the rules, when they simply can't, pretending they have a leg to stand on to force their adult kids to do anything, all because of that fundamental insecurity that their adult children won't still love them the same if they don't force them to. It's incredibly heartbreaking to see. Hell, It's become so common it's even everywhere in media! Countless movies, shows, books, artworks and songs paint a picture of frustrated adults managing clueless, out of touch parents pushing in and demanding things and never really knowing their kids at all. I don't think that's the life most parents truly want, and I don't think that's the life you want with your daughter.
So my answer is, take some time to reevaluate what you really want in your relationship with your daughter. Take the time to focus on recognizing your own fears and understanding why you want to require her to do this, and what kind of future this kind of demand and the fear at the center of it will inevitably bring. I lost what could have been a beautiful relationship with my parents because they refused to sit down and be honest with themselves like this, and I don't want that to happen to you and your daughter.
Of course I don't have a grown child like you so my opinion would probably differ due to our age, life experiences, etc.
I think that it is nice that you like to check in on an adult child of yours. It shows you love and care for them at all stages of their life. So keep this about yourself. However, if they feel like you are too involved or not letting them act like an adult then something needs to change. So if you are feeling like she doesn't like the current arrangment then talk to her. Do not say something like, "How dare you do a poor job on some days to check in." No accusations of anything whatsoever since this could back fire and in some cases ruin your relationship forever. Personally, I am an independent person so if I had to check in daily like that the days I would barely say anything would be the days that say, "I am not a child who has a curfew or whatever anymore so I am tired of living like I do but I will at least send something since I care about them and just to not start drama". But you two need to compromise and find what works for both. You are allowed to care. She is allowed to be on her own now without parents following her every move. There are times this is done wrong and the adult child will end any contact with the parent. This is not what a parent should aim for. So meet her where she is at in her life. Let her know you are there if she needs you but don't be strict on her. She needs to use her wings now and fly.
@Runawaycuddles I lost what could have been a beautiful relationship with my parents because they refused to sit down and be honest with themselves like this, and I don't want that to happen to you and your daughter.
Oh, yes. This happens a lot. I am in the same boat with you actually. Luckily, our friend here still has a chance to keep a beautiful relationship with his daughter.
@HarleyGirlKate
Love the system you have in place and that is the kind of system that works. You still love everyone but give each other space too. Don't change what you do. I can only wish I had a beautiful set up like this if the rest were willing to set one up!
CW: heavy family trauma, narcissistic abuse
I talked nearly daily with my mother until she passed away. Her death showed me how co-dependant our relationship was, and the last 10 years trying to untangle my mental health has shown me how dysfunctional our whole family dynamic was under the surface. We weren't "close knit" and "typical".... we were often abusive verbally/emotionally to one another, had zero sense of personal boundaries, had major mental health disorders going ignored and hidden, enabled each other to continue with addictions and abusive behaviours, and inflicted trauma all around all while putting on faces of perfection for the world.
Over the past few years I've finally been getting proper therapy and been understanding just how effed up our family was. I've had to learn how to set and maintain boundaries, how to say no, how to not feel guilty for saying no. My father, despite good intentions, tries to control us kids under the guise of wanting to "help" us and then takes out his own anger issues on us when we don't conform and aren't grateful. I've tried to get him to join me for family therapy multiple times, but he brushes it off.
I'd started to cut contact with him back during the pandemic for my physical health, and that mental/emotional breathing room started to show me just how much anxiety I have around interactions with him. While my therapist cannot officially diagnose my father, he suspects he's also undiagnosed ADHD/ASD like my siblings and I, with a hefty dose of childhood trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms (his brother just committed su*cide at 63 after years of addiction and mental health issues and zero family support). Therapist suggested I need to be more firm with my boundaries with Dad, so when he pushed the line too many times this winter, ignored my "no's", and then verbally berrated me for ending out conversation as I'd said I would, I had enough. I've been fully no contact since Christmas and ..... I feel like I can finally breathe. For the first time ever, I do not feel guilty for not responding immediately to his calls/texts. I don't feel bad for him trying to guilt trip me over being "ungrateful". I don't feel guilty over him REPEATEDLY ignoring my boundaries for his own comfort and control. Frankly, this is the most "adult" I've ever felt.
I'm not sharing all this to at ALL suggest your dynamic is the same, @Morpheus , but rather to highlight the extreme version and what similar patterns they do have. The fact that you're asking this at all shows you're leagues ahead of my father in self-awareness and being proactive.
When kids are little, parents often want to protect them from the world, and the easiest way to do that is through controlling how the kid interacts with the world. However, as the kid gets older and more independent that control starts to become more difficult. In healthy dynamics, the parent starts relinquishing control and learns to deal with the anxiety of not knowing how to keep their kid safe in small doses at a time. But some parents struggle for one reason or another and hold on tightly to that control for longer, making the anxiety a larger problem they eventually have to deal with. For my mom, this manifested as expressing her anxiety to us kids constantly so that I became afraid of all the things that could go wrong, became hypervigilant, perfectionistic so that nothing ever could/would go wrong. I became the "perfect" kid/teen/adult so my mom wouldn't have to worry...and instead I always was. And for my dad, his way to deal was to ignore problems until they became too big to do so, and then to brute force his will into the situation, sure that he could fix everything by taking control and taking away our choices.
The best thing a parent can do for a child of any age, struggling or thriving, is to actually listen to them, respect their autonomy, and take care of one's own mental and physical health so as not to pass it off onto the child. A lot of times, despite best intentions, parents cannot hear what their child is saying because of the filter of who they believe their child to be and what they anticipate the child to be saying in advance. And a lot of times parents don't even think to ask, they assume, based off of who their child was when they had control over them.
Adult kids don't need to be checked in on every day unless they say they need it/ask for it. Otherwise, it's the parent's insecurity playing out and that needs to be addressed on its own. Like others said, have a conversation with your daughter in a neutral space, and ask her if she enjoys/needs the daily check-ins, and if not what might work better for her. Perhaps negotiate, adult to adult, and then work on whatever feelings come up for you as a result of a change separately.
Tl;Dr: Sometimes parents are acting from their own anxiety/insecurity, and never think to treat their adult kids as, well, adults. Talk with her and ask her what she needs/wants. Just be sure to work on emotions that come up rather than forcing your kid to deal with them for you.
I don't have kids because I can't find a reliable, honorable, trustworthy man with whom to create a family, but to answer the second question about how often I talk to my parents -- never/almost never.
My highly narcissistic father, I have no contact with at this point because it's toxic to my health and sanity. With my mother, we're cordial now and she's apologized for some things that happened to cause a deep rift that deepened over time with subsequent wrongdoing, but it's complicated. I basically never hear from her and she doesn't even truly know me or seem to want to get to know me. Neither does my father. I'm not a priority in their lives. And I'm tired of being the adult in the room with my parents, and I'm not going to do all the work, nor can I convince people to self-reflect on the damage they've caused to their children (there's 5 of us), so I basically consider myself an orphan with two living parents at this point. I credit my eldest sister who's nine years older with primarily raising me.
I miss and grieve the amazing parents they could have been in my life but chose not to become.
As for why you asked this question and some feedback on that -- she's 28 and has a significant other with whom she resides and you believe is safe. Expecting her to checkin daily is a bit much. What makes you feel the need to ensure she's okay everyday? Does she have a terminal illness? High risk job? Something out of the ordinary you're concerned about? What is the fear? What's motivating it, truly???
She's an adult now so you don't really have "parental rights" in that way at this point. It's really nice that you care about her, but it is healthy to let others, particularly our adult children, individuate. I encourage you to have a conversation with her about it and how she feels with your expectation to check in with you everyday, and go from there.
@cuddlefaery I can relate to what you are saying about your family. It's a long and difficult process to learn to disentangle oneself from things that we used perceive as normal.
It's a process that I've successfully begun, but have not yet finished. I have respect for others with the courage to engage in that journey.
@Morpheus I haven’t read all the comments yet but I only want to ask, did you call your parents every day when you were that age? Did you want to talk to your parents every day when you were that age? Your daughter is an adult woman.
Edited to add, of course, when our parents are elderly, that is a different story and we do check on them constantly to be sure they’re safe and well. But when I was 28 I was trying to get away from being checked on all the time I was very independent and I did not need my parents in my business!
I call my parents every morning on my drive to work and see them on the weekends. My siblings and I text on a daily basis. We have group chats that include all my nieces and nephews. My sisters live very close to my parents so they drop in on my parents on a near daily basis. I couldn't imagine not communicating with any of them for days at a time.
My wife, who has not lived in her home country in about 15 years talks to her family on a nesr daily basis., depending on sleep schedules. (Think 12 hour time difference)
@carrieanne my Mother passed away in 2007. Prior to that though, I called her every day. I very rarely missed a day. To this day, 17 years later, I occasionally reach for the phone to call her only to remember oh wait, I can’t call her anymore.
Oh wow, even when you were young, you called her every day? That’s really amazing. My mom and I were very independent of each other. We talked maybe once a week. My mom passed away in 2004. The biggest thing with parents is that we don’t ask them enough questions until it’s too late. There’s so much I would talk to my parents about now that I didn’t when they were alive. And my children don’t ever ask me any questions and they get very bored if I want to talk about our family history. I told him someday you’ll want to know these things
@carrieanne my Mom passed away at 54 only two years older than I am now. I was 35 when she passed. I don’t remember ever not ever not talking to her on a daily basis. I talked to my mom a lot, always asking her for tips on cooking among other things. There’s still a lot of family history that’s confusing but I know what I need to know.