her live-in boyfriend is the one who is top on the "need to know" list.
This. If you are not financially and/or legally responsible for her, paying her health insurance, or otherwise taking care of her daily, then the person/people who ARE, the people who would be the ones to call 9-1-1 and know intimately what to tell doctors what is going on in ber life need to be her emergency contacts. Even my own controlling, overbearing dad recognized this. "What am I supposed to do from 3,000 miles away? Put your boyfriend down as emergency contact and he can call me right away if something goes wrong." I may not have epilepsy, but I do have multiple major health issues including serious allergies, asthma, and medications which can cause anaphylaxis that I carry an EpiPen and inhalers for so the threat of having to go to the ER is always there. The few times I've had to go, my roommates and/or boyfriends at the time made sure to contact my family if I was unable to.
It's absolutely understandable to worry about the people you love. But it's unnecessary to be so entangled in their daily lives if you live apart unless it is a mutually chosen entanglement. It blurs the line between concern for well-being/safety and letting anxiety control you and them.
I have enjoyed reading all of the comments. I understand that everyone’s comment came from their view points based on their personal experiences and I appreciated everyone’s input. I was not offended at all by what anyone said.
I do think that there was a general consensus that I force my Daughter to contact me daily which is not the case at all. I said I set an expectation. My Daughter is a sweetheart but also very strong willed and minded, no one is going to force her to do anything. I don’t “berate” her or guilt her either. I have simply let her know that I have an expectations that she contacts me daily to let me know that she’s okay. Whether she chooses to do this or not is her own decision. She absolutely has days where she does not contact me and when she does miss a day or two, I don’t give her a difficult time at all. She’s heading out of town tomorrow to visit a friend and will be back on Thursday. We spoke tonight and I wished her a good time. I know her well enough to know that I’ll be surprised if I hear from her before Friday and that’s fine.
After reading all the comments and taking it all in, I will say that I am not changing. I still have an expectation that she contacts me on a daily basis. Expectation is very different from an order or command. The most positive thing however that came out of this thread for me was some soul searching and I think I now realize why I have this expectations.
So thanks again.
@SunsetSnuggles
that her live-in boyfriend is the one who is top on the "need to know" list.
Recently, she called me and said, my fence is broken and my dog keeps getting out, can you please come and fix it. I said your boyfriend lives with you, can’t he fix it. She said yes but I want my Dad…. and please bring food 🤣
@Morpheus 😅 That's cute. And also a subtle slap to the boyfriend. Maybe he needs to pony up a bit?
As for your longer post, of course you're free to make your own decisions, and people on the internet can't tell you what to do. The massive majority was clear and I'm disappointed in your decision, but I'm sure you'll lose no sleep over that.
I will just say that a parental expectation and a demand are not far apart. What stops you from telling her you no longer expect this? Fear that she doesn't really want it is the only thing I can think of. And why would you want to put an expectation on her that she doesn't want? That's how resentment is bred. Just food for thought.
I do think it sounds like you guys have a really good relationship. Thanks for being open to thoughts and advice, and handling them all with grace and maturity.
~ Sunset Snuggles
🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover
I do think that there was a general consensus that I force my Daughter to contact me daily which is not the case at all. I said I set an expectation. -- @Morpheus I will just say that a parental expectation and a demand are not far apart. -- @SunsetSnuggles
I do think that there was a general consensus that I force my Daughter to contact me daily which is not the case at all. I said I set an expectation. -- @Morpheus
I will just say that a parental expectation and a demand are not far apart. -- @SunsetSnuggles
Again, SunsetSnuggles nailed it. It's not that we think you are "forcing" your daughter, Morpheus, but that perhaps you may be underestimating the weight parental "expectations" carry in coercing children of any age to do things against their will. It's very, very common for "expectations", like "respect", to be used as a form of emotional manipulation - sometimes unintentionally, often not-so-subtlely. Parents will often ignore the cognitive dissonance that is teaching children they must show respect to earn respect....while demanding/expecting unwaivering respect.
Here's a question for you, @Morpheus - what makes the difference between a "demand" and an "expectation"?
Going strictly by dictionary definitions, from Collin's American English Dictionary: demand, countable noun - A demand is a firm request for something. expectation, countable noun - A person's expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.
Essentially, most people can use "demand" and "expectation" interchangeably, as both imply voicing firm/strong beliefs about behavior. However, if one is going to be more pedantically accurate about it, demands are placed upon other people where as expectations are the emotions/thoughts we experience ourselves internally. Thus, when one says "I have X expectation of you", theoretically they are voicing their belief that the person should behave in that manner. So the question becomes - how much weight are we putting into that "should"? When it comes from someone we care about, someone in a position of authority, someone who has power over us, let alone all of the above .... that "should" is essentially a demand because failing to meet that expectation isn't an option.
So what happens when that expectation isn't met? Are you disappointed in her? Do you tell her that you are? Does she have to make it up to you? What are the consequences? Because if it is truly an expectation, and not a demand, there shouldn't be any consequences - expectations are internally held beliefs which she may or may not also hold/agree with.
So if your use of demand vs expectation is different from what I, and I believe others, understand, then it would be helpful to explain so word usage isn't getting in the way.
Oy. Vey.
After reading all the comments and taking it all in, I will say that I am not changing. @Morpheus
Then what the %#+* was the point in creating this thread?? 🙄
I guess I need to be a bit more blunt than my last comment that was ignored.
The dynamic you’re describing sounds like a codependent, enmeshed, anxiously attached relationship with your adult child who has a SO that she lives with who should reasonably be her primary person to ensure she’s safe and healthy everyday, regardless of her having epileptic episodes once a year, and if something happens for him to let you know.
Wanting to hear from someone — no matter how earnest the motive — is not the same as “expecting” to hear from them. That is not a reasonable expectation in almost any relationship other than a spouse, TBH. Not sure why you’re still not hearing this after all these people explaining it in 27 different ways, other than we’re not telling you what you wanted to hear.
This is not a reasonable, or healthy relationship dynamic, expectation in the circumstances you describe. As a few others highlighted, as a parent, when we tell our kid at any age that we “have an expectation” about something, that’s basically the same as an order and guilt trip all rolled into one. And that’s not reasonable because it’s not really a choice. If she chooses to not meet your “expectation,” what is the negative consequence? A decent person doesn’t want to disappoint people they care about, especially a parent/authority figure.
Sounds like it’s time to deal with this anxiety around letting your adult child be an adult, and this struggle to accept this phase of her life individuated from you and primarily attached to somebody else now.
@TheMidnightOwl I really hope your above comment is read, objectively considered and taken to heart. I think that comments that really offer a helpful POV are often skimmed through and not actually evaluated as a logical solution.
@TheMidnightOwl while I am also disappointed in Morpheous' response, I don't think your reaction is exactly warranted, either. He created the thread to get feedback and hear other's experiences - and that has happened. Expecting change to happen immediately from that is unreasonable and rather too idealistic, especially when it comes to family dynamics.
Breaking the pattern of family trauma, co-dependancy, and unhealthy attachments is extremely difficult and doesn't usually happen in a single generation. Heck, it wasn't really even until millennials became dysfunctional adults and started therapy that we really started discussing this topic publicly - and broad access to the internet for such discussions also started with us. I have a lot of hope for Gen Z and beyond because I see them breaking so many patterns, questioning things, and communicating more openly than ever before.
@carrieanne We can hope…
@cuddlefaery I was highlighting that this seems to be another situation where someone asks a question about something as if they’re open to all viewpoints and changing if necessary, but truly, they just want validation to continue doing what they’re doing.
I don’t expect immediate change from people, but notice that anyone saying what he didn’t want to hear got ignored or pushback — which indicates the OP likely wasn’t all that interested in legitimate feedback, just confirmation to continue. Which was obtained by some, as expected.
In line with what you highlighted, I agree. We live in the Information Age. If someone truly wants to know whether their relationship dynamic or an “expectation” they have of someone else is healthy, talk to a therapist (which is my field and why I have the stance I do and asked the questions I asked to determine more of the circumstances, which were ignored) or find some Psychology Today articles or some legit resources on these topics, not ask a bunch of strangers on the Internet.
And then when one is told what they’re doing isn’t healthy by several of us strangers on the Internet, he doubles down on convincing himself it’s ok and we’re all wrong because “…everyone’s comment came from their view points based on their personal experiences.” Despite my viewpoint being informed directly from thousands of hours of education, training, research, and experience on such topics.
So it begs my question — what was the point in asking, unless it’s as it appears — just wanting confirmation to continue. Can you see why I’d be frustrated by that after taking the time to formulate a legitimate response to what I initially thought was a legitimate question only to be ignored and dismissed as just being opinionated? That was my mistake.
@Morpheus: She said yes but I want my Dad…. and please bring food 🤣
Aw, that's so cute! 🥰❤️
@Morpheus Do what you and your daughter thinks is best for the both of you. No one knows your dynamic better than you and your daughter.
I'm honestly astounded at some of the responses I've read on this thread.
@cuddlefaery Thanks for coming to my defense when I was away doing other things. Your understanding of me and my posts is accurate. I'm a very literal person, not by choice, but because I don't know how to be otherwise. I've spent my whole life trying to understand the unsaid meaning in words and to understand when things are said without meaning, but I largely just can't. To me, words only mean what they say. It's part of why I don't participate in the forums much. My profile has a heads-up about this for anyone who wants to message me.
When I spoke of "my vehicle" many people somehow didn't understand it to be my vehicle and needed it clarified. I added "that I drove [it] for work" to give context, not to contradict myself, but I guess it was taken for a contradiction. To me, using something for work doesn't imply that it belongs to the employer, and attaching "my" to an object (things that aren't people or places) indicates ownership and not just circumstantial association. There was plenty more of that kind of thing in the conversation where the explicit meaning of my words was bypassed to read some unintended hidden meaning. I try to be clear, but I'm not very good at it since I can't see the hidden meanings that other people look for to know if necessary reinforcement is missing or if my words are carrying unintended stow-away meanings.
Thanks for being open to thoughts and advice, and handling them all with grace and maturity.
Thank you, I appreciate that. And to clarify, I didn’t ask for advice. I asked what your experiences were and I have appreciated you all sharing your experiences.
I’ve been going thru something like this w/ my parents for a few years now. It took that long for me 2 figure out what was going on behind the more typical parts of a relationship (communication, love, support, friendship):
My parents only partially see how much power they hold over me.
n that’s what this sounds like 2 me: maybe like in the past u haven’t fully acknowledged the power imbalance between u n ur daughter.
By asking her 2 do something, she may not kno that she has a choice in it w/o losing ur love n support. For me, this started at such a young age n so intuitively that I wouldn’t have been able 2 put it into words til I was an adult.
That’s how it was 4 me, n from other people I’ve known closely.
I think u can talk 2 her n explain that u don’t kno. I don’t kno how u’d guide her into making her own decision at this point, b/c this power imbalance could b so deeply imbedded in the way u both communicate that it will take some therapeutic help 2 gain that level of awareness. Just talking about it may make it very difficult 2 c.
If she asks 4 ur validation during the convo, or if she flips it back around on u, like: “well what do u want?” or: “is that OK?” or maybe a rapid fire “whatever u want” kinda response….all probably mean she’s people pleasing, b/c she’s afraid 2 say no.
If that’s the case, I’d suggest naming it, first. Find some support around whatever u name, like a book, a therapist, a group, more forums, etc….
I think the most important thing is 2 trust ur instinct on asking 4 help. It’s a very difficult thing 2 do in my experience, n u should b very proud of urself 4 modeling this 4 ur daughter n 4 the world.
—Benji
So I sometimes feel embarrassed to talk about my current living situation, but just thought I'd share since I feel safe to do so on cuddle comfort. I did move out of my parents' home and was living with my then fiancé for a number of years in an apartment. I did not contact my parents every day, but usually at least once a week. That being said... I didn't have a lot of reason to do so, since I have and currently still do work with them 5 days a week (6 during income tax season). Sure we didn't always get to discuss personal things while busy at work and it's not the same as going out to dinner or something, but at least we did see each other and communicate in person. I didn't see them that often on weekends or days off, which my mother would sometimes try to make me feel guilty about (just let it roll off my shoulders though), and sometimes missed some events, but usually not big ones like Christmas and such. Currently I have moved back into their home, as that relationship ended in 2021, I was finishing my CS degree, and wanted to figure out my future before moving somewhere else. It's taken a bit longer than I expected, but after some boot camp style training, I received a job offer and am waiting to hear when my start date will be. So things will be changing a lot relatively soon. I may be required to relocate somewhere, which is why I wanted to wait before signing any sort of lease. All that being said, not working or living with them will definitely change my dynamic and I'm sure I will keep in contact with them more than I did back when I lived with my ex-fiancé. If I'm able to remain local, I'm sure I'll visit a few times a month, otherwise if I have to move, then I'll have to plan that accordingly.
Edit: Forgot to add that the guilt trips my mom tried, while I let them roll of my shoulders, probably subconsciously caused me to want to communicate less and do the opposite, as I don't appreciate people trying to control me.