I once had a conversation with a dolphin. We just clicked.
A guy sits down at a bar. "Is everything okay?" The bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month." The bartender says, Well, maybe that's a good thing.... a little piece and quiet?" " Yeah but today is the last day. "
My brother and I went bowling two months ago. He saw that the bowling alley was hiring and he decided to apply.
I told him, “Go for it. If they don’t pay well, you can go on strike!”
Has anyone tried silent tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racquet
I once dated a magazine collector. She had issues.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed space.
I spent my portion on a belt that wouldn't fit. Huge waist.
Why did the blind miner fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?
So it could hide in a strawberry patch.
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't get down off an elephant. You get down off a duck.
What's the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
I can see there's no point in asking you to mail a lettter?
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping up and down with joy at all these awful elephant jokes.
Newsflash: Four blind philosophers trampled by elephant.
Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.
Why is it that your feet smell and your nose runs?
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the lights.
What happens to an illegally parked frog?
It gets toad away.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon?
The food is great, but there's no atmosphere
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? She'll be having a baby in the spring!
Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it fit!!! So proud of myself. It was a pair of socks, But still. Let's be positive here.
Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks? Because they're meteor
Two olives are on a counter. One rolls off and falls to the ground. The other says, "Are you okay?!" The one on the ground says "olive"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 'Cause the P is silent
How many tickle’s does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles!
I gave away all my dead batteries this past weekend. Free of charge
5 ants moved into an apartment 5 more joined them now they’re tenants
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A chocolate Baa.
I got hit with a violin, clarinet, and a flute today.
It was an orchestrated attack.
What happens when you put a duck in a cement mixer?
You get quacks in the pavement.
Why was the widow sad and lonely?
She was ghosted...
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
Did you know that dogs can't operate an MRI machine?
But cats can
What do you call a lizard that tells jokes?
A stand up chameleon