I unno. I tried.
My wife told me that she was getting really angry at me for singing "I'm a Believer" on repeat. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face ...
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wiped his bum.
@DurhamGuy1 🤣🤣🤣 Good to see cannibals care about their hygiene.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?
An envelope
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a “g” and it’s gone.
@Ineedahugortwo …those are riddles, not dad jokes 😋
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
@DurhamGuy1 bummer, you’re right! 😂 Here it goes go then..,
Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
Because it has a million degrees!
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can’t opener.
I don't like Buns from yesterday...
I prefer currant buns
This is a long one; apologies in advance.
This story is about a pair of newlyweds, Bob and Betty Hill. They were in Eastern Europe for their honeymoon. They’d rented a car, and were driving along a highway to get to the B&B they’d chosen.
It was around 8pm local time, and pitch black out. Light rain soon became a thunderstorm with a torrential downpour. Visibility was almost nonexistent as Bob tried to see the road ahead.
Suddenly the car hydroplaned and slammed into a large tree, knocking both unconscious. After a short time, Bob awoke. The rain was still pouring, and Betty was still unconscious. The car was wrecked, and there was no cell service, so Bob did the only think he could think to do: he picked Betty up and started walking down the side of the highway.
Before long he saw a dim light in the distance, so he soldiered on. The rain had completely soaked his clothes, and he was freezing. Each step had become a burst of pain, and his back screamed with the effort of carrying his new bride, but he kept going.
After what seemed like an eternity, he finally arrived at the source of light: an old, huge house that almost looked like a castle. There was no bell, but the doors had huge knockers (“why thank you Doctor”), so he tried one.
THOOM. THOOM. THOOM.
After a few minutes, the door slowly opened, creaking as it did. Standing in front of the couple now was a small man, hunched over somewhat. “Kin I help you?” he said in a thick accent.
“Hi, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We were in a car accident some miles down the highway. Our car is wrecked, my wife is hurt, and there’s no cell service. Can I please use your phone?”
“I am sorry,” the man replies. “We do not have a telephone. But the Master is a doctor; perhaps he can help. I will get him. Please wait here.”
The little man goes off. A few minutes later, a tall, elegantly dressed man comes down the stairs. “Good evening,” he says crisply. “How can I help you?”
Bob replies, “Hello sir, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We were in a terrible accident, and my wife is hurt. Can you help?”
The tall man thinks for a moment. “I’m afraid my assistant might have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. However,” he continues, “I have had some medical training. I will do what I can.” He turns to the small man. “Quickly Igor! Take them down to…the lab-or-a-tory!”
Igor leads Bob (still carrying Betty) downstairs to the basement lab. Bob lays Betty down on one of the exam tables, then sits on another as the Master comes down the stairs. The Adrenalin starts to fade, and Bob passes out, apparently more injured than he thought.
The Master goes to work. Trying everything he could think of, he even gave Bob and Betty both transfusions. Despite his best efforts, Bob and Betty Hill both succumb to their injuries and die.
Despondent, the Master heads upstairs and goes to his Conservatory. Sitting at the piano, he begins to play a sad, beautiful melody, and as the music gets louder, it can be heard even in the basement, where Igor is cleaning up.
All of a sudden, he sees Betty twitch a finger! Bob moves his head! Betty kicks her leg! Bob suddenly sits up!
At this point, Igor cannot contain himself. He shouts out:
“Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
(I’m so sorry)
@bytor LOL That is not where I was expecting that to go.
Child: why are you sad? Dad: I didn’t have enough time to go for a jog today Child: you say that everyday Dad: it’s a running joke
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aid for repair. I've heard nothing since.
The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
My wife asked me if she was the only one ive been with.
I said yes, all the others were 9's and 10's
I LOVE these!! lolol
What do you call a street walker who sells spaghetti?
A PASTAtute! lolol
Lame. I know...lololol!!
Can a deaf person become a gynecologist?
Yes they just need to be able to read lips.
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?
Receding Hare-line
Cheapest meat you can find are deer balls
They’re under a buck
I once had a conversation with a dolphin. We just clicked.
What happens if a dinosaur 🦕 kicks your butt? You will have a MEGASAURAUS.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
...He needed space.
I just spent a lot of money on a belt that won't fit.
...Huge waist.
Maybe it's because I'm on this seafood diet.
...I see food, I eat it.
Why did the blind miner fall down the well?
...Because he couldn't see that well.
Why don't monsters eat clowns?
...Because they taste funny.
I don't understand cloning at all.
...That makes two of us.
I read a great book about zero gravity.
...I just couldn't put it down.
(Begrudgingly crediting Alien: Romulus for these jokes... the only redeeming quality of this lame addition to the franchise.)
Why would I drop my dad and my name isn’t Jokes!
What did 0 say to 8? Nice Belt
What do you call a musical puppy? A subwoofer.