Men who don't cuddle men, why not?



  • [Deleted User]useyourname (deleted user)
    edited October 2017

    @umarmbar @sideon
    Thank you both for your insights, at the end there I may have made some poor assumptions based on my own personal experience. As a matter of experience with female cuddlers it seems impossibly hard for me to avoid arousal and momentary thoughts of sex, even if there was little attraction. Maybe i'm just terrible at cues from women but it appears as though the women I've been with are much more capable of keeping their mind and body language in the realm of platonic interaction (or maybe its just far less obvious haha). Only once have things escalated when it was made verbally clear my cuddler was open to more than cuddling. That said, I have never crossed boundaries and have always remained respectful to women, and I really appreciate those who have spent time with me.. just unbelievably positive experience to be able to be genuinely open and honest about myself to another human being without having to put on a front/facade to attract their attention.

    And lol, I suppose it doesn't have to be a woman to find that kind of interaction but I am certain I would not find it comfortable to be with bigger guy in an intimate position haha, my mind would go haywire thinking i'm in some sort of danger..I WILL FIGHT YOU ! As some context I have anxiety disorder so I tend to focus on possible threats..they're often irrational in substance, but who knows, i'm open-minded and willing to go out of my comfort zone.. so if i'm exposed to male intimacy enough and nothing funny happens then I suppose I wont see any rational reason to be so homophobic and threatened. I guess it just really matters to get a clear idea of the persons motivations and intentions towards cuddling and establishing clear boundaries as has been mentioned.

    Thanks for the responses.

  • People are people. We all have our own agenda. We have our comforts and discomforts. I'm a professional but I do a have a "cuddle crush". It's normal and natural. I remain professional although my mind wanders during our cuddle to less g-rated activity. Why do we over think everything? Be a good, respectful human and try to be happy. It's a balancing act but once you master it it's a happy life.

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)

    @useyourname. I don’t blame you, but you’ve bought yourself into a media stereotype when you start talking about the huge number of life partners the average gay man has. Men can be dogs ( no offense to my genuine canine friends) and many men will attempt to bed as many women as they can. But would you really say that the average man has sex with many women in his lifetime? No, the players are just more visible by the wreckage they leave in their paths. Gay and Straight men are not as different as you think. And actually, society’s recent openness to same gender relationships, including marriage have made it easier for men to be monogamous. I could elaborate on that, but I’ve already lost most of the audience here.

  • [Deleted User]SexyBrit (deleted user)

    I must be honest beyond vague thoughts of cultural upbringing and gender preference I can't really say why I would shy away from it.

    I guess we all have preferences and that's o.k. as long as you don't express them hatefully.

    It deserves some more thought on the matter methinks...

  • umarmbar, in response of the OP,

    the best way to relate to personal preferences is reflecting on a food, color, song, movie, video game, performance, that you simply prefer to not experience. Humans have an accumulation of various past traumas or preferences due to individual culture values. The world of politics has always been in a culture war ranging from national, community, state, family, and global scales. Personal values are a simple fact of life. By relating to people with different opinions than you, you broaden your views to love others.

    Not accusing anyone of judging because I love the fact that the OP asked to relate and clarification instead of accusing, labeling, or name calling.

    I love this quote because it captures the essence of relating to confusing opinions than your own.

    "If you judge people, you have no time to love them"
    -Mother Teresa

  • edited October 2017

    I am new, well I never really cuddled with a woman. Oddly (can't figure why) though my age range at the moment with men and women greatly differ. With women I really prefer younger to a little older. I guess its a lot to do with nervousness and the newness. Sometimes I back out. Sometimes I go for it and list on my profile as everyone. Also for some including myself, I wouldn't really feel comfortable cuddling a woman in public. Likewise with men cuddling men. I think some... most in this regard are so judgemental, they don't know the whole story and just seeing same gendered people together up close even if they have no issue with LGBT? they will think of it as a relation worse think that you two are necessarily LGBT?. Most people are not out. This can cause big issues and judgement over all. However, I am a tryer at least once (with limits). :)

    I think also some subconsciously associate this with more than cuddling as opposed to human to human contact. Also I think I feel comfortable for the most part with resting against flat chest thus, high preference for men, so that's one thing.
    At the end, we have comfort and preferences for various reasons. Though it helps to try to recognize why we feel how we do about things. :)

  • I often cuddle my male friends that I've known before joining the site but I've had some bad/unwelcome experiences with men via sites like this. So from now on I'll stick to women unless there's a certain definite connection.

  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)

    @darrenmillar it's fantastic that you cuddle your male friends! That's really encouraging to hear. It's understandable that you would be a bit put off by bad experiences with men on sites like this... seems like both men and women have bad experiences with thirsty men on these sites.

  • @sunflowerfield it's not only thirsty men.. Some women are just as insatiable. But I find that women more often than not take no for an answer. :)

  • I'm of the "NO means NO" club, regardless of gender.

  • I second Sideon.

  • True Darrenmillar, some people just join for the wrong reasons whether consciously or subconsciously. Some think that it's an easy gateway to a relation or otherwise. Which it is not, when one says cookies they mean cookies not bread. While there is a possibility that people can fall for each other regardless of how they met and sometimes it's one sided (dealt with accordingly, no means no) finding more just should never be the aim in the first place.

  • Men are just socialized differently though it can be changed , change is hard for people . Women cuddling, playing with hair holding hands etc is very accepted . Many ( not all) are uncomfortable with a basic hug even some with male family members

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    Someone saying "because I don't want to" is a sufficient enough answer for me.

    In a way this thread is kind of silly as there are plenty of people who wouldn't cuddle with a certain gender, age, race or marital status.

    I guess it's fun to analyze and over-analyze but at the end of the day I doubt anyone really cares. :3

  • I am sure there are plenty of reasons one could come up with to not cuddle someone independent of their gender so really, whats the point?

  • Fir me it helps me open my eyes to some things with less judgment . Understanding where things come from . No one is required to explain their preferences . I think you can have healthy discussions with out judging and learn more about people , sometime lose some preconceived notions . Be a better friend or caregiver with new knowledge or understanding .

  • I do love to give and get hugs and have no issue hugging my male friends. I have had several gay friends who I probably hugged more, just because it seemed to be a little less awkward. Not sure why really.

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)

    @pmvines I grew up in a family where hugs were rare. It wasn’t a lack of love, just my mother’s discomfort with physical poor dad. My older sister married into a hugging family and I’ve learned to enjoy hugs with her kids and grandkids. Took me a lot of time.

  • @Greybeard when I was young, you could not touch me at all. I don't know why, but I couldn't even tolerate the way clothes felt against me. My dad would even basically hold me in his lap and not let me go because he didn't want me to grow up not being able to tolerate touch. Now i take advantage of any opportunity i have to give or get affection, even though I'm still only comfortable with it if i trust and feel comfy with the person, but when the trust and comfort is there its really nice.

  • [Deleted User]navyman35 (deleted user)

    Not my thing, "dont shame me for my opinion"

  • I'm a bisexual female, so it doesn't bother me to cuddle either sex, but I agree that people should consider cuddling the same sex more. While it may be uncomfortable, so can cuddling sessions of the opposite sex.

  • [Deleted User]APV (deleted user)

    My reasons are as follows:

    First, I as a male have been doubted in my own compartmentalization of cuddling away from sexuality. The more time I spend viewing this message board, the more threads/posts I discover attacking males in general regarding our supposed lack of respect for women's wishes/boundaries/etc.

    I also expect whoever I'm cuddling to enjoy my foot massage skills, and if open to it, return the favor. Therefore the appearance of the feet matters to me. Women generally have better-looking feet with a broader range of toenail polish colors than cis het dudes ever get away with wearing, neatly trimmed toenails and hair that is usually nonexistent, invisible, or intangible.

  • 👻💀🧛‍♂️👻

  • It's almost like human beings have preferences for different things...amazing discovery!!

  • @MrMarkAndrew ~ Snort!

    @APV ~ Yet another reason we wouldn't be a good match...
    😒🦶 = Nope!

  • Disclaimer: I have not read anyone else's post in this thread, except the one above mine.
    I think the strongest reason I don't cuddle men is that I did not grow up cuddling a man. I did not grow up with a father. My dad died when I was two years old. He was 23. I cuddle my children, and I think that is a normal experience that children and parents do. But it is easiest for me to relate to cuddling with a woman, because that's how I grew up. I can relate to cuddling with a woman as cuddling with my mother. I have experienced the nurturing nature of a woman my whole life. I have not had that experience with a man. Most men that I have met or interacted with do not exude warm cuddly feelings. So, it's hard for me to get in the mindset that I would want to cuddle a man. Will I hug a man? Absolutely! I hug men close to me, my pastor, my brothers, and some friends yes!. Will I cuddle with them? No.

  • [Deleted User]natickben (deleted user)

    Because in the two instances I cuddled men, both were actually trying for sex-including one who put his hand down my pants.

    (NOTE: I am not at all saying this is a result of their sexuality, rather, it seems to be something a lot of men of all sexual orientations do, and I have no interest in going there again.)

  • edited July 2021

    Imma go ahead and say it: rape fear.
    To explain, I mean this as an underlying and unspoken expectation in our society. I think in many cases that I would enjoy a cuddle with a man if only there wasn't the fear that comes with either experiencing unwanted sexual aggression, or perhaps a fear of the treatment that homosexuals receive in society.

  • In my opinion, as the cuddle is platonic not sexual, there should be no problem with anyone cuddling their own gender (providing boundaries have been discussed etc) :)

  • Because men are gross. Ewwwwwww.

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