Men who don't cuddle men, why not?



  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)

    Yeah I'm really surprised people assume men can't be nurturing. There are men with more gentle, nurturing personalities, and many men develop this side of themselves when they become fathers.

  • @Blueiris Thank you for your nurturing comment. I like to think that I am a nurturing type, but still not comfortable cuddling a guy outside of a structured cuddle party. Hugging random strangers on a street corner with other huggers can be a lot of fun. There are some Free Hug groups that do this on a regular basis.
    <3 Jim

  • I agree with Jim, I consider myself very nurturing. I have 18 employees, all males and all younger than me. It's one of the things I enjoy most about my job, employee development. I have the opportunity to help these young men grow as people. I find it very rewarding.

  • For me it's a preference, I prefer women as I'm naturally attracted to women. And I think that's a big part, if I'm attracted to a girl to some extent I want to be near her, if I'm not I don't really feel anything (that's kind of the definition of attraction, I think).

    I tried lightly cuddling with some other guys at a cuddle party, but it felt weird to me. If it's like a backrub or massage I'd be fine with, but extended hugs just feels unnatural to me. I myself am a fairly huggy person, and I tend to greet and say farewell to all my non-acquaintance friends (guys and girls) with a hug. That's kind of my thing.

    Another part of it is from the friendship standpoint, I would like to find and become good friends with more women, as my 2 closest gal pals moved out of state.

  • edited September 2017

    @pmvines "I get replies, both paid cuddlers and non paid, but not from everyone. I usually just try to make small talk and be friendly. Cuddling rarely even enters the conversation, as I rarely ever see anyone in my town on here. I have heard complaints from some of the folks who I speak with on here that they are a little weirded out if someone they don't really know anything about just out of the blue wants to go meet for a cuddle, or start to come on strong. Even though this is a cuddle site its important to still remember that most people aren't going to want to just drive across town to hop in bed or sofa or what have you to snuggle with someone they don't know, and some of the women on here are getting the impression from men that this is the expectation."

    Exactly! Same as on a dating site. I think it fair to assume that many women would be put off if on a first date the man wanted sex immediately. Doesn't matter that that may be the end goal for each party. It's all in the approach. Because of my readings on the forum, I've put on my profile that I do not guarantee I will cuddle with just anybody. It's one thing if you're contacting a pro to be upfront and direct about what you want, but it's quite another can of worms if she's not.

    @Sunflowerfield "Oh and like others have said, most men smell kinda funny. Even if they wear deodorant and have good hygiene, I find men in general have stronger natural scents than women and are less pleasant."

    When you find the right guy who smells "right" to you, you won't think that way. His pheromones will be irresistible, and you'll want to get next to him, even if his deodorant is starting to wear off a little. That's my experience, anyway. There are some, though, that even when freshly showered have sort of a metallic natural scent to them. That, unfortunately, is not the right aroma for me. I've run into that only a few times in my life. Most of the men I've ever gotten close enough to smell, smell fine to me.

  • [Deleted User]StarFlower (deleted user)

    @BlueIris Pros have the right to refuse service--not in a discriminatory way but in a discerning way. I can't think of one person who's actually ended up becoming a client who up and messaged me they wanted a session with me at such-and-such a day and time; they just don't end up passing the other steps. Either they won't send a photo, or they exclusively want to text or email. For someone in my area who's an actual potential client, that doesn't fly with me.

  • Here's some interesting background on societal views of this topic

    Funny thing is, even though I know the history and am affectionate with my male friends, I'm still only comfortable cuddling women.
    I think one of the conundrums is that, because many men don't get much platonic touch, touch becomes more sexualized for them (possibly one of the reasons some have a hard time with boundaries).
    Women also start practicing boundary setting at a much younger age in general. For alot of men, we don't begin to get the experience of wanting/needing to say no untill much older because we're not getting that type of attention. I'd say there is easily a ten year difference or more with this.
    Also, though they are important compliments to each other, touch deprivation is the opposite side of the spectrum from boundary setting.
    I'd guess that men dealt with less touch deprivation when male to male affection wasn't so sexualized.

  • the only "cuddling" ive done with guys is when were play wrestling each other. Outside of wrestling ive never gone past hugs or chest bumps.
    personally i think most guys are always trying to show their strong side to other guys. maybe thats why its hard for us to get intimate with each other? i dont even see guys just holding another guys hand(that isnt a father figure)

  • It's really interesting to see the difference in male bonding and tactilness based on cultural and societal upbringing.

    In Asia young men tend to be very touchy with each other (same with young women though coed public affection and touching is usually frowned upon.)

    When I went to Japan in High School the students there would hang all over each other in their same sex friend groups during class breaks and in public outings. I'm talking hand holding, arms around each other, even sitting in laps. It was interesting to see that mirrored a bit in the home. Opposite sex casual touching was very little but my host mother was very tactile with me and my host sister and my host father would often hug or sweetly ruffle his son's hair.

    At least for Japan the cultural roots of this behavior goes back thousands of years. Women found comfort and affection from other women in the higher society (at the court level wives were only supposed to be seen by husbands etc.)

    Men were mostly surrounded by other men and it was accepted that they would touch and even have a sexual relationship with another man as a "phase" but would eventually get married and do his duty as a male to his family.

    Obviously this has changed over the thousands of years but you can still see it in friend groups in Japan today. There are few mixed friend groups and women usually hang with women and men with men and receive affection and contact from that friend group. It's not uncommon to see adult males out for a night hanging off each other and hugging each other. Though the public touching does decline in frequency with age.

    I believe it's pretty similar in Korea as well.

    Anyway I just think it's interesting to contrast how men interact with each other in America/western society to other cultural groups.

  • [Deleted User]Kater (deleted user)

    I am new here. I have no problems with hugging a man. But cuddling one is just to much and would discomfort me. The only man I have cuddle with is my own brother (that was not a problem, cause bro-love you know:D).
    But I prefer cuddle woman, maybe cause I am straight or they smell better or just because it gives this peaceful vibe to be needed.

  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)
    edited September 2017

    When you find the right guy who smells "right" to you, you won't think that way. His pheromones will be irresistible, and you'll want to get next to him, even if his deodorant is starting to wear off a little. That's my experience, anyway. There are some, though, that even when freshly showered have sort of a metallic natural scent to them. That, unfortunately, is not the right aroma for me. I've run into that only a few times in my life. Most of the men I've ever gotten close enough to smell, smell fine to me.

    @BlueIris yes that may be true but wouldn't that be more appropriate if I'm looking for a dating relationship? It might be hard to keep things purely platonic if their pheromones are irresistible. Interestingly with the guy I'm dating now, I didn't like his scent that much at first but it has grown on me and I've got used to it. Interestingly there have been studies which show that middle aged men actually smell bad to most people:

    "Interestingly, despite its uniqueness — and contrary to the stereotype — old-person smell isn’t exactly bad. The participants rated it as less intense and less unpleasant than body odor from younger donors. By gender, participants rated middle-aged men’s smell as the yuckiest and most intense, and old-man smell as the most pleasant and least intense. By contrast, middle-aged women’s scents were rated as more pleasant than old-lady smells."

  • edited September 2017

    @Sunflowerfield Hi! I understood your comment about men and their scent to be a general statement: "Oh and like others have said, most men smell kinda funny. Even if they wear deodorant and have good hygiene, I find men in general have stronger natural scents than women and are less pleasant."

    I countered with my experience supported by a few facts and ending with "most men smell fine to me." Doesn't matter if it's a dating relationship or not. I'm just sayin', most men do not smell unpleasant to me personally, thereby politely disagreeing with the statement that "most men smell kinda funny," but then most of the men I'm around work in offices and shower frequently. I think it very appropriate in a cuddling situation that I am not repelled by the way my cuddle buddy smells. :)

    Even if I am attracted to the way he smells, or to him in general, I'm also capable of recognizing that attraction and still keeping the cuddle platonic. It's not an issue for me.

  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)
    edited September 2017

    That's fair enough @BlueIris, but I think smell is such a personal, subjective thing. It's a bit like if I said, "Most cheeses smell funny" - most people would assume it's just about my personal preferences and idiosyncrasies.

  • [Deleted User]navyman35 (deleted user)

    Not my thing

  • [Deleted User]Batboy (deleted user)

    It is all cultural. I've cuddled women, but they were friends who know I am gay, and they understand that it's about caring, and about needing care. I've limited my profile preference on here to men, because 1) im not sure how women who don't know me will act and 2) I feel a need for affirmation from other men, including men who are not gay. Im not sure how it will work out here, but the men who have sent me messages so far are mostly from straight guys who want to know more about me, and not about my bod or sexuality. Im very confident this will go well, and I expect some bumps in the road.

  • [Deleted User]OzVisitor (deleted user)

    I couldn't cuddle a man. I guess it's partially being a heterosexual male that I've never ever thought of men as someone to cuddle, and partially being brought up with the "men don't cry" / "men don't show feelings" type upbringing that it's much harder to be open and vulnerable with other guys.

    Paradoxically, while cuddling - like getting a massage - is not a sexual activity with a lady (well, unless it's a cuddle or massage with a significant other, that's different) it becomes a freakishly weird sexual activity if it's with another man. I'd be far too uncomfortable with it.

    Of course, being a man, it's then difficult to find female cuddle partners because they have either had or anticipate bad experiences with creepy dudes who have pushed boundaries in the past.

    Ladies, some of us are sincere guys who just want a friend :)

  • [Deleted User]gibbster97 (deleted user)

    its not a manly thing to do..lool

  • I'm perfectly okay with cuddling other guys I trust a lot, but I've had a really bad experience in the past where I can't really trust other guys all the time anymore.

    Beyond that, in my experience, a lot of guys approach cuddling with other guys with a sort of cynicism that I just can't get over.

  • @gibbster97 I think men are a little too concerned with what is considered culturally manly.

  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)

    It's funny that a lot of guys complain about bad experiences with men making things sexual, when that's the same reason why a lot of women won't cuddle with men.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    Move over, Dr. Phil, CC in the house.

    Everyone is so definitive about about men and women, I'd be curious if anyone would change their tune if a transman or transwoman entered the equation.

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)

    Bad behavior is bad behavior, the behavior itself has no gender, the perpetrators do. I think most of us agree that the vast majority of the kind of bad behavior we discuss here is perpetrated by men. My guess is that those men, if they arranged a session with a transman or a transwoman, they would behave just as badly as they have with women, and in some cases with men.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    I probably wasn't being clear.

    I'm asking how many would even be open to arranging a session with a transman or transwoman in the first place.

  • I'd have to get to know the trans person before I could make that decision. I'd also like to meet a woman in person before establishing a cuddle relationship with her. So I guess there isn't really much difference in how I'd handle the different situations.
    <3 Jim

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)

    That whole conversation gets complicated because so few people even understand what being transsexual means. The few transsexual individuals I know from my daily life have enough issues with getting and keeping a job, or using a public washroom, I’m not sure they’d invite the kind of misunderstanding they would encounter here. I’m not speaking of very trans person but the small handful in my small circle of acquaintances.

  • [Deleted User]useyourname (deleted user)
    edited October 2017

    Though I am straight i am somewhat curious to try cuddling a gay man, i probably would only do it with a guy who is very feminine and smaller than me. A larger masculine/male straight or gay would be far too threatening to me..

    I'm sure everyone agrees that cultural upbringing plays a significant role but I think something more fundamental is being missed. Males generally more sexually active/competitive and women are more selective biologically speaking. Afaik, males are programmed and built to compete for mates.. males are generally larger than females and more agressive. This is ubiquitous among animal species and more relavantly in primates. Females are typically more selective as the investment into a child rearing is costly and far less frequently possible than males who can father mutiple children simultaneously.

    You can see the male sex drive with the number of lifetime sexual partners a typical gay man has compared to women(gay/straight) and straight men. It's the male sexual motivation bouncing off other males. Without cultural or sexual preference involved I think by default males would generally view other males as threats in a territorial fashion as they would be competing for the same pool of mates.

    In short, I believe not cuddling other men is an instinctive response that is either reinforced or overridden by culture. I would suspect it's even difficult for gay males to stay platonic due to the shared male sexual drive. Just look at every dating app/forum out there and you will notice how there are far more men competing for attention and how males are generally less selective about partners.

    Anyways that's my two cents, really sorry if it offends anyone.

  • Thank you, @useyourname, for your thoughts. You're not being offensive.

    I don't know too much about biology of gender or of attraction, to be honest, but our perception of others' genders/sexes must be mainly a cultural thing. I hear what you say about gay men not being too platonic when left alone, but I promise this isn't the whole story. Well yes, huge chunks of gay culture may be sexualized, but there's lots of gay hugs&cuddles too.

    But I've started this thread not for science, but to learn more about men's cuddle "instincts" (no matter how instinctive they are), and I thank you for sharing.

    I'd love to hear from you when you ever get to explore cuddling with a man, or explore how larger masculine men feel threatening. I'm not trying to convince you otherwise! I think I may even relate, I'm just saying that experimenting with those feelings (and men :) ) could be interesting if you want to do so.

  • @useyourname Yes, gay guys are going to hook up, but it's not like we don't have criteria and standards. Just because we're attracted to other men doesn't mean we'll do just anyone with a penis. The bar scene does sometimes means that guys go home alone. Modern apps accelerate the potential of meeting other guys to hook up, go out for coffee/drinks, and make new friends, but if you think guys are settling/indiscriminate/not selective, you might be wrong: age-ism, racism, and selective masculinity/femininity/androgyny are rampant.

    With gay guys and cuddling, staying platonic isn't difficult - it's an agreement that both choose to follow. Both men are responsible to communicate and establish ground rules.

  • One of favorite people to cuddle with is my best friend, who is female. She spends the night once a week or so and we cuddle all night. It's not weird at all. Just 2 human beings that care about each other snuggling. Never anything sexual ever. To me, people are people. I don't care their sex, color, age.

Sign In or Register to comment.