Men who don't cuddle men, why not?

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  • edited July 2021

    Whoa!! Skreeeeetch!!! Pump the breaks!!!!

    When I agreed that those comparisons are absurd, it by no means was to say I thought that cuddling had a sexual component.

    I can't speak for others, [obviously, but still] I believe there's a vast difference between consoling/comforting another in need, and the act of a prolonged
    reciprocal exchange of intimate affection between two people of the same, opposite, ambiguous, unknown, ungendered, etc. gender identities.

    Also, comfort, affection, intimacy, are not all the same to all people and are typically on a fluctuating spectrum with varied influences. As are preference, romance, sexuality, attraction, etc. ~ All that said, the thing that really chaps my cheeks are the double standards that crop up in this particular topic (every single time!).

    It doesn't matter if one is walking the street naked, towing a bed with blinking lights that illuminate the message, "Take me I'm yours!' If they are then approached by someone ready to "take" them, and they say, "No" then the answer is, "No!" Full stop. Really, for the love of all that is blessed about consent, please... Please, treat others the way they wish to be treated! If they haven't told you, then you don't know. So ask.

    Also, people should be allowed to advertise free furniture in whatever way they want without people assuming they're looking to get busy on it!

    And if men don't want to cuddle men... That should be fine too! Ultimately, what they do with another consenting adult is none of your/our business. Nor is their flippin preference of what a "good cuddle buddy" means to them.

    Sheesh!! To put it another way...
    If someone isn't down to cuddle me [one who is likely the descendent of a long ago 'Yeti meets Giant' interlude], for whatever their reasoning, I don't want them to end up cuddling with me out of some skewed, "woke" obligation, to "cuddle everyone" (just because it's what others say is right). I want them to cuddle with me, because they actually want to cuddle with me.

    Whoa! Okay then (...re-centering myself)...
    Soap boxes sure are slippery!! I'm gonna go ahead and hop down before I hurt myself or someone else (or the soap box - because after all I am kinda giant-ish).

    ::adding::
    Whoops ~ TLDR
    Ditto to what @pmvines said!!!

  • nobody is saying anybody has to cuddle anybody! but when the standard reply popping up in this thread is “because i’m not gay.” theres a certain irony in saying the camp going “well, hold on a sec” is the one trying to shame anybody. do what you feel people - but watch your assumptions and how they got baked in

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited July 2021

    @arkham: Yes, precisely. That standard response is a very odd one.

    You would never be platonic with another man because you're not gay? I don't know how to tell you this, @Libra0, but that doesn't make sense.

    "You rub shoulders, legs, put your fingers through each other’s hair, hold hands, etc.," you say?

    As the oldest of ten kids, I've seen boys (and girls) give each other shoulder rubs. As part of an extended church family, I've seen men (and women) giving each other shoulder rubs. As a Coloradan, I've seen people of all sexes easing one another's leg muscles after a long hike or bike ride.

    I've seen women playing with one another's hair and never thought it was gay. I've seen men in church holding one another's hands and never thought it was gay.

    The thing about platonic intimacy, see, is that it's platonic.

    Not sexual.

    So sexual attraction doesn't come into it.


    Now, of course, if you don't want to cuddle somebody, don't cuddle them! But if the only reason you're not comfortable touching them is that they're not your sexual type—well, people you are comfortable touching might want to steer clear of you. At least on this site.

  • @arkham read through the entire thread, and search for other threads on the topic. There are plenty of thoughtful posts stating why some aren't comfortable with it as well as plenty of no thanks just not interested. I am strongly opposed to homophobia and would certainly call it out if that were the primary response, but that just isn't the case here .

  • [Deleted User]DarkLordChungus (deleted user)

    I don't want to discover that I'm a homosexual liberal soyboy cuck. I eat cheeseburgers and do sex on women because that's what God intended.

    This is sarcasm. But do keep in mind that there are people who actually think this.

  • edited July 2021

    @DarkLordChungus ~ had to Google "soyboy cuck" because I had no clue what those meant.

    Apparently, 'Soy boy’ is a catchy new insult being thrown around by far-right internet trolls. ​The origin derives from the negative effects soy consumption has on the male physique and libido due to increases in estrogen production.
    [Oooh... A science based insult! One point.]
    It's a dig at one's masculinity playing on his fear of being anything like a woman. "Because as we know, a woman is the worst thing you can be."

    'Cuck' comes from "cuckold" and is a weak or servile man (often used as a contemptuous term for a man with moderate or progressive political views). A cuckold is a man whose wife is sexually unfaithful.
    In biology, a cuckold is a male who unwittingly invests parental effort in juveniles who are not genetically his offspring.
    [Oooh... Another science based insult! One more point.]

    the above is mostly plagiarized then edited info from multiple sites ~ thanks Google!

  • You would never be platonic with another man because you're not gay? I don't know how to tell you this, @Libra0, but that doesn't make sense.>

    Once again, someone gives scenarios that don't matchup to the question at hand. These are apples to oranges arguments: of course kids can give each other shoulder rubs, men hold each other hands at church, easing each other leg muscles of the same sex. And you don't have to put a label on that. That has nothing to do with anything. Why would a heterosexual man, 'platonicly' or 'intimately' cuddle another man in bed, on the couch, in the tub, wherever, given everything than entails what makes cuddling so special? Unless there was something more there. I just don't see it, and 99% of the men on here looking for female cuddlers I'm sure agree but are worried about being labeled something. And to say you don't want to cuddle another man because you may turn gay is an asinine statement. We have to give our reasoning and you make us feel bad we won't cuddle other men? GTFO

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited July 2021

    @Libra0 says:

    [O]f course kids can give each other shoulder rubs, men hold each other hands at church, easing each other leg muscles of the same sex. And you don't have to put a label on that.

    Why does adding a label change the thing?

    Whether I say "the singers were rubbing one another's shoulders, sitting beside one another, giving one another hugs, playing with one another's hair, and otherwise showing one another platonic affection backstage at the Acappella concert" or "the singers were cuddling backstage at the Acappella concert," what they were actually doing is the same, isn't it? A bunch of straight, mostly married men hanging out with their friends.

    Why would a straight man not cuddle with another straight man on a couch before a big show, or anywhere else? Cuddling is awesome!

    Their wives were doing the same thing elsewhere. Were they being gay when they played with each other's hair, held hands, and laughed together? Was there "something more" there?

    It's platonic, for Pete's sake—whatever label you put on it.


    And, as previously mentioned: don't cuddle anybody you're not comfortable cuddling! Just... think about why you're not comfortable cuddling with them, and if it's because you see cuddling as inherently non-platonic, well....

  • [Deleted User]CharlesThePoet (deleted user)

    I've cuddled with other men for the same reasons I cuddle with women.

    It's comforting, it gives us pleasure, it strengthens the bonds of our friendship, and it makes it completely certain that we are not alone in an often scary, painful, mournful world.

    None of that has to do with sexuality.

    I feel pity for you @Libra0 that you seem to feel, quite strongly, that it does.

  • edited July 2021

    Why would a straight man not cuddle with another straight man on a couch before a big show, or anywhere else? Cuddling is awesome!>

    cringe…

    or "the singers were cuddling backstage at the Acapella concert," what they were actually doing is the same, isn't it? A bunch of straight, mostly married men hanging out with their friends.>

    A bunch of straight, married men cuddling each other is merely just hanging out? I guess we hang out in different groups. I’ve never experienced this behavior nor seen it.

  • @CharlesThePoet Well said! @DarkLordChungus hahaha! I continue to enjoy your Interesting humor. @Libra0 and everyone, I feel like it’s a personal choice or preference to decide who you do and do not want to cuddle (by whatever factors you chose). My personal comfort level is “everyone” or in other words no gender preference but not everyone currently feels the same comfort level and thats ok too. This original thread was started in 2017, some of the men that gave reasons of why they will not cuddle other men, now many years later are open to cuddling men too. There are also men that still share the same views of not cuddling other men, in my opinion either preference is fine. Many men that I have shared cuddles and or massages with started that they lived a Straight married life long term, at the age of 40 or 50 opened up to cuddling and massaging guys too and now have no problems. To them it was a new experience that they wanted to try. Again whether you want to cuddle one gender or not, we must all be true to ourselves, only do what we are comfortable with and mutual consent is important. Regardless of personal preferences and other personal factors that differentiate us, why not come together as an accepting and non judgemental community!😁We all do not like to be judged or be told by others what labels we have to fit in, instead lets peacefully relax, create a safe space for everyone, enjoy meeting new people and or cuddles!!!😁😎🤗

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    You don't have to end a quote with a >, @Libra0. Just preface the paragraph with one, and it's all good. Like this:

    A bunch of straight, married men cuddling each other is merely just hanging out? I guess we hang out in different groups. I’ve never experienced this behavior nor seen it.

    Guess you weren't raised in conservative Christian groups! Or maybe you just never got invited backstage at the Christian concerts. Who knows? We all know different people, I guess.

    Anyway, my point stands: hugging, rubbing shoulders, playing with hair, and so on, are things just about everybody can do without sex being involved. Platonic, you know? If cuddling is sexual for you, maybe this site isn't.

    That's all.

  • @DarrenWalker to @Libra0 point Ive never sone those things with my male friends either . It never occurred to any of us to do those things together and probably never will. When we hangout we just hangout I guess.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited July 2021

    @hugonehugall: All right, so you've never seen men who're comfortable around each other hanging out. (My condolences.)

    So think about this instead: are the things themselves innately sexual? If, for instance, you saw women leaning against each other, relaxed, laughing, obviously very physically comfortable with one another—would you assume they were gay?

    Put another way:

    Does this photo look gay to you?

    What about this one?

    This one?

    This one?

    Yes, gay people can do these things. Straight people can also do these things. Asexual people can do these things. Pansexual people can do these things. In fact, you can be platonically intimate with your friends no matter what your sexual orientation is!

    Sex, you see, has nothing to do with platonic affection.

  • @DarrenWalker
    I believe you are failing miserably at whatever you are trying to get across. None of those photos look "gay". They are groups of people enjoying each other's company. What are you trying to prove exactly. ZERO of the people you have posted are CUDDLING each other. Get it?? And I would argue none of the photos you posted are the groups even being "platonically intimate". A group of straight males hanging out DO NOT normally cuddle with one another. And if they did, I would't imagine they would equate 'cuddling' as just hanging out with my bros.

  • edited July 2021

    @DarrenWalker just because we don’t cuddle each other doesn’t mean we’re not comfortable with each other. That’s the most ridiculous thing I may have ever read in the forum. One’s got nothing to do with the other. I’m 100% comfortable around my boss but you don’t think I am unless I crawl up next to him and cuddle him. Ones got absolutely nothing to do with the other. I’m comfortable hanging around with tons of people male or female doesn’t mean I need to cuddle them to prove it. And it’s not a gay thing or straight thing it’s a we just don’t do that thing.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @Libra0: Congrats! Lying on top of another man (or two) doesn't look gay to you. Sitting in another man's lap, leaning back against him while he wraps his arms around your shoulders—it doesn't look gay to you. Well done!

    ...Unless you didn't actually look at the photos that closely, in which case never mind.


    @hugonehugall: Physically comfortable. The way so many women are with their friends. "Comfortable" meaning "comfortable enough to fold your hands on his knee, lean on his shoulder, put your hand on his stomach, pull him close against your side."

    Did you look at the pictures?

  • edited July 2021

    @DarrenWalker : I don't know why you are so adamant on these two old black and white pictures of men posing for a photo op. And no, I didn't look at the photos very closely to pinpoint everyones exact hand placement and shoulder alignment. They just seem pretty innocuous to me. I don't think it's a litmus test for anything. You are really grasping at straws here my man. And no, I personally don't feel very physically comfortable putting my hand on my male's friend stomach, and pulling him closely against my side. There's really no reason to do that.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @Libra0: Yet the women do it, and you're not insisting they must be gay—so these things must not be intrinsically homosexual.

    (If you're interested in seeing more pictures from the days before gay panic made men too scared to be properly comfortable around one another, you can visit this article on The Art of Manliness.)

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    Also... "there's really no reason to do that"?

    • It feels good for you
    • It feels good for him
    • It meets physical touch needs
    • It shows trust
    • It shows affection

    I'd argue there's no reason to not be physically affectionate with your friends. All kinds of people who aren't worried about being seen as gay do it!

    Not with people they aren't comfortable around for other reasons, obviously. But with good friends? Heck yeah.

  • Why don't I? Under certain circumstances I would. At a cuddle party, I would cuddle with another man who asked me to. I wouldn't ask another man, partly because I tend to make the [possibly erroneous] assumption that he would be uncomfortable with the request, due to the cultural pressures he has, like me, experienced throughout his life. In short, I have an aversion to asking for things when I'm afraid the answer might be no, or a reluctant yes.

    In the case of cuddling pros, I have a theory on why I choose to only seek women to cuddle with. It has to do with what I see as a distinction between the words "female" and "feminine". I think of female as being a physical trait, while feminine has more to do with the kind of energy a person radiates. Because I've been wounded in the past by women, and I have a desire to heal that wound, I seek arrangements where I can interact with women in a healthy way. This not only includes cuddling, but also my therapist, and several of my closest friends. In the case of cuddling, where I'm making a financial commitment, I want the experience to fill the purpose that motivates me to do it.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @JoyfulHeart:

    I have an aversion to asking for things when I'm afraid the answer might be no, or a reluctant yes.

    Oof. The club... I am part of it.

    Thanks for sharing!

  • @DarrenWalker I'm getting better. I guess that gives a clue to how scared I used to be. Cuddle parties have been a great growing experience for me.

  • @JoyfulHeart I completely agree with the distinction between female and feminine. Re your comment about cuddling women because you have been wounded by women and want to heal, I can relate but more so in terms of men . I've not always had the best male relationships so my best friends and more comfortable relationships have always been with women . I consider this to play a role in why I feel most comfortable with cuddling women ( or rather feminine energy , because non macho men and trans women I feel more comfortable around )

  • I'd argue there's no reason to not be physically affectionate with your friends. All kinds of people who aren't worried about being seen as gay do it!

    There’s a difference between being physically affectionate with my male friends and actually lying down and cuddling them, and I have no plans on doing the latter with them. That’s how I will finish the matter because it’s getting redundant. Peace.

  • "Cuck" and "Soyboy" now defined... 🙄

    Also, it seems like the phrase, "Because I'm not gay." means different things to different people ~ So on a couple levels is a problematic response to the question posed (or to any - IMO).

    It's really unfortunate because stating that pretty much answers nothing and instead creates a hard-to-bridge chasm that separates us from any real understanding or insight into what one's motivations are, and at best is a convoluted mess from that point on.

    A late comment, but FWIW @arkham ~

    "I shouldn't have to be a newborn or a dying soldier to be allowed to give and receive comfort just because I'm a man. It's a need to both give and receive comfort and it has nothing to do with sex and I'm sorry you're too narrow-minded to recognize that holding or being held by anyone actually has nothing to do with your sexual preference."

    Absolutely!! But you'd said earlier you'd only cuddled with a female and, based on the platonic nature, now think you'd be fine with cuddling men too. Right? I wonder if others just haven't been a participant in such a cuddle yet?

    "Comfort is a need as well and it's what I was seeking and what I received. I shouldn't have to be a newborn or a dying soldier to be allowed to give and receive comfort just because I'm a man. It's a need to both give and receive comfort and it has nothing to do with sex and I'm sorry you're too narrow-minded to recognize that holding or being held by anyone actually has nothing to do with your sexual preference."

    Yep, yep, yep!!! And... well... maybe...
    Could be narrow minded or, as above, narrow experienced.

    Basically...
    Yes! to a lot of your points...
    Yes! to to those who may miss out on some extraordinary cuddles because they can't, or don't want to, cuddle someone of the same gender (yet/ever) and who therefore say, "No"...
    and Yes! to individual preferences we may disagree with.

    Unless their harming a nonconsenting other ~ Obviously that's a No!!!

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @Libra0 says,

    There’s a difference between being physically affectionate with my male friends and actually lying down and cuddling them....

    Frankly, if you're insistent that you'll only cuddle people you're sexually attracted to, that it's impossible for you to cuddle a same-sex friend without being gay, and that cuddling someone isn't the same thing as being physically affectionate with them—I'm worried for anyone you may meet through this site.

    No matter who you are.

  • @quixotic_life Thank you for the measured take and good-faith response. I'm on vacation now but just decided to check back in on this thread anyway and your post made me glad to have done so. In agreement with all of it

  • Oh fun! @arkham ~ Happy Vacationing!!

    And thank you too... 🤗

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