boundaries for significant others

CO_dreaming

Just wondering what boundaries might be in place for romantic partners of professional cuddlers. I’ve done it before and tried to cope and be cool but the first time there was a meetup between midnight and 3 am followed by 4 am phone calls and lovey dovey texts for weeks afterwards things fell apart. So I’m curious as to how other people handle it. Is it anything goes or are there time limits or communication limits or what exactly do you do to minimize worries? Very serious question.

ksb30

Gotta be strong for that one, it would almost feel like an open relationship...

xandriarain

As a professional who’s been in a few relationships over my seven years in this field, it’s definitely an ongoing dialogue and discussion that requires transparency, communication, and a willingness to compromise. But also, you should have strong professional boundaries and keep things strictly platonic if you’re not doing that, it’s hard to have a monogamous relationship.

Velvet_Heart

II've been married for 21 years, and my husband trusts me completely. When I first started professional cuddling, though, it was understandably difficult for him. It took time, honest communication, and seeing firsthand what my work actually involves. Over time, he became much more comfortable with it. Now, he even helps me to set up my cuddle space before a session.

I think it can work if a significant other is able to truly see it for what it is—a profession, nothing more. The biggest distinction is that the cuddling I do with clients and the cuddling I share with my husband are two completely different experiences. There is absolutely no romantic or emotional attachment on my end during a client session. That part of me is reserved exclusively for my husband. The affection, intimacy, and emotional connection we share are on an entirely different level. There really is no comparison.

That said, I think my husband and I are probably the exception rather than the rule. Many relationships struggle with jealousy, insecurity, or a lack of trust, and I can understand why this profession would be difficult for many couples to navigate.

@ksb30 It shouldn't feel like an open relationship if your significant other approaches professional cuddling the way it should be approached—keeping every interaction with clients completely platonic and maintaining clear, healthy boundaries. Most importantly, though, there has to be complete trust. Without trust, no relationship will thrive, regardless of the profession. But, then the problem is much larger than just the cuddling.

I also want to add that, while my husband and I are a bit more open-minded and unconventional, we are not in an open relationship.

ShaneSchrute

There’s something about the name of this thread that makes me want to chime in. “Boundaries for significant others.” A boundary isn’t a rule for someone else. It’s a promise you make to yourself. It’s a compassionate way of saying, “If this happens, this is how I’ll take care of myself.” Boundaries aren’t about controlling another person’s behavior; they’re about protecting your own well-being while leaving others free to make their own choices.

MonkeyNeedsAHug

Well-said, @ShaneSchrute - an important point.

ksb30

I think in the end I would not be conformable with it if I was married and my significant other wanted to do professional cuddling and thats okay as I am protecting myself.

CO_dreaming

“ A boundary isn’t a rule for someone else. It’s a promise you make to yourself.”

A boundary is typically saying you are not going to tolerate certain behaviors. Yes they’re free to do the thing but you’re also free to leave if they do. And these are communicated prior to the thing so the other party knows the consequences. That’s how it typically works.

A boundary typically is not “well if this person does this then here is how I will cope”. You cope by leaving.

SpicyNSweet

"I’ve done it before and tried to cope and be cool but the first time there was a meetup between midnight and 3 am followed by 4 am phone calls and lovey dovey texts for weeks afterwards things fell apart."

Can you clarify this? This doesn't sound like you experienced your partner cuddling professionally. It sounds like you were being cheated on.

theHugAlchemist

My partner is the jealous type (so he says), but he does not care about this... He drops me off at my office sometimes when I have a session. He trusts me to be very boundaried with clients. That being said we got to know each other at cuddle parties, where everyone was cuddling platonically. So he has a reference for cuddling that's outside romance/sex.

We don't have rules for each other as such. This is actually my first monogamous relationship since 2019, but it's not like... "you're not allowed to do A, B, C" but rather a conscious and ongoing discussion about what we both want. We don't stop each other from doing literally anything, but there are things that could end the partnership, and we don't do those things.

@CO_dreaming did you date a pro that you met on here? Or were you in a relationship and then had the experience with the pro with the lovey dovey texts?

Sunrise_Snuggle

@theHugAlchemist I think he means that he was in a relationship with someone who claimed to be a professional cuddler. But it sounds like this person that he dated was actually a cheater that claimed to be cuddling professionally.

supadupa

If I met someone that I really lied and they me and they were a professional cuddler I would ask them if I could help them with their bills so that they wouldn’t have to cuddle. I don’t want to share my gf or partner with anyone and I would cover their bills. That’s if they ageeed tj it if they would not give it up that’s fine I wouldn’t have a serious relationship. Just casual or just be friends. I’m just the jealous type and I don’t knowingly cuddle with anyone that is married or in a relationship.
Everyone has their own preferences, that’s just my preference and pov.

CSnMUS87

While it's not a pro, during my most recent relationship my partner was aware that I was on here. I asked her at the beginning of the relationship if it's ok to be on here and how she felt about me cuddling others. It was a little awkward to ask at first, but wasn't difficult. She didn't mind me keeping friends and being on here, but preferred that I didn't cuddle other people while in a monogamous relationship with her, so I respected that and noted it on my through the duration of that relationship that I was no longer single and wasn't seeking to cuddle with anyone else at the time. When the relationship ended I removed that from my profile and after some recovery time started cuddling on here again. I feel like it varies from person to person. For myself I would say I probably wouldn't see a need to cuddle others if I was getting it regularly from a significant other. I certainly wouldn't be paying pros while I'm in a relationship unless it was maybe a couples cuddle session or something. The only way I could see myself cuddling while in a relationship is if 1. they also had an account here and did not want to stop cuddling (I believe things should be fair and equal for the most part so if they're going to be able to cuddle others, then I would like the same right to do so and if they don't want me to then I wouldn't want them to.) 2. we cuddled others as a couple, 3. We were in an open relationship, 4. We're in a poly relationship, or 5. Distance or circumstances keeps us apart or unable to cuddle each other for a long period time (perhaps a long distance relationship) and we both were honest and agreed to it. However for the most part I would stop cuddling while in a relationship unless one of those circumstances occurred. Since all my past relationships have been monogamous, it hasn't happened and I'm fine with that.

SurgeMan

Depending on the level of the relationship. I would stop cuddling and would certainly have the conversation with my partner that she stopped as well, especially hypothetically if you were a professional looking at it I would prefer to keep that energy for each other

Sunrise_Snuggle

I personally would not mind if my partner were a professional cuddler, with one exception. If it meant that she had SIGNIFICANTLY less time and energy for me, or if she cuddled me SIGNIFICANTLY less frequently because of her job, or if she were SIGNIFICANTLY less present with me when we did get to cuddle, these things would be deal-breakers for me.

However, this is not necessarily the case. There are plenty of professional cuddlers that still make their partner a priority.

But then, having kids (biological OR adopted) is a deal-breaker for me for the exact same reason. Because then the kids become the ultimate priority in absolutely every respect, including receiving cuddles. And I'm too selfish to deal with having kids.

For that matter, because someone mentioned open and poly relationships, I would potentially be open to an open or poly relationship as long two conditions are met. 1) I'm still treated as a significant priority in terms of time and energy investment. Not necessarily the ultimate priority, but significant. 2) It's not a hierarchical polyamory situation in which I'm the secondary and the primary holds ultimate authority over my relationship with my partner. Some common hierarchical polyamory practices that are problematic include, but are not limited to: veto power (i.e. the power, held by the primary partner, to end the relationship with a secondary partner), micromanagement power (e.g. restrictions, imposed by the primary partner, on specific forms of intimacy), restrictions on time commitment (as opposed to agreements that are fair to everyone), and restrictions on public displays of affection. All deal breakers. There's a difference between being treated as A priority, and being treated as the ONLY priority. Loyalty, commitment, and consistency can still be present in poly relationships. Loyalty is not the same thing as exclusivity.

xandriarain

I just want to add in based on some of these other comments, while I love my work, It doesn’t feel the same void for me that a romantic relationship does i’m also a cuddle addict and just have a lot of love to give. I definitely feel like it’s a different energy exchange with a romantic partner versus a client. I get a lot of enjoyment with both types of Cuddling, but it’s just very different. People often wonder if I still want to cuddle with a partner and the answer is not only do I want to cuddle them, generally don’t give them any personal space and cuddled them to the point where they overheat and get sick of me and I always make a lot of time for my significant others because I’m super needy and anxious preoccupied

CSnMUS87

@xandriarain That makes sense how it's different and it's great that you love what you do and have a lot to give. I feel like sometimes the way you described cuddling a partner and wanting to be around them a lot is something I can relate to myself to a degree. Definitely being on cuddle comfort helped to keep some of that down for me while being single. I've learned to give space when a partner needs it, but if someone likes to cuddle or hold hands or something all the time, I'm all for it. I myself am not sure how I would feel if someone I dated was a professional cuddler. I suppose that would depend on the person and circumstances.

MindTherapy

@CO_dreaming I have been there. It’s like you have to treat it like an open relationship unfortunately even though it’s not. I just kicked the idea of being in a relationship altogether. No matter how you cut the boundaries, it’s never right. If the roles were reversed, I would not be able to deal with it. It puts her in a complex situation. She probably really wants to be with you but is making a good income for herself. I don’t think there’s an easy solution.
@supadupa I think that’s very fair and reasonable and a very mature approach. It would give her time and space to transition. @xandriarain This is also quite true. It does not replace the relationship dynamic.

MindTherapy

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Bear

I’ve been cuddling and going to cuddling meet up since about 2013. I’ve also been single as well as dating in that time period. From my observation, I’ve come to realize that cuddling can be platonic for some people or very intimate doing the same act. Some people can see it as a friendly way to connect with another human. Then some people see it as something they would only do with their partner or spouse or such.

From some of the answers, I’ve read here. It seems very similar. Which could make the answers very different from person to person. I’ve been in monogamous relationships as well as non-monogamous. Right now I’m in a ENM & poly. I don’t see myself in a monogamous relationship in the near future. Yet, if I was looking to be monogamous, cuddling with still have to be on the table for both of us. The same as hugging.

CO_dreaming

“ This doesn't sound like you experienced your partner cuddling professionally. It sounds like you were being cheated on.”

“I think he means that he was in a relationship with someone who claimed to be a professional cuddler. But it sounds like this person that he dated was actually a cheater that claimed to be cuddling professionally.”

Since everyone wants details. I was dating someone who needed a second job due to money problems but had a lot of health issues and family obligations plus a long commute. I was familiar with this site and had some good wholesome experiences and told her about it. She tried it and it went ok for awhile. Made me nervous but I dealt with it.

Then one day I went to sleep at my place. Woke up to some weird texts asking if she should take a job and went anyway because I couldn’t answer. We had Life360 so I looked at the logs and about had a heart attack. Of course we had a big argument. When I saw her next I looked at her phone and saw all the texts and put it all together.

A cuddler here messaged her at 11:30 pm. She left to go to a hotel and didn’t get there until 12:15 am. Supposedly they cuddled and talked for two hours, she fell asleep for an hour, left at 3:15 am.

Except that wasn’t the end of it. Bunch of frantic 4 am phone calls. The next morning and for the next few weeks there were these weird texts. I can’t wait to see you. You feel like home. We really synced. I was sickened. I tried many times to get an explanation of things I didn’t like which made things worse. But she always insisted and swore everything was legit.

So yes we literally broke up over it. It deregulated my nervous system, caused a bunch of trust issues, and overall really messed my life up for months. We have been talking again and I wonder what else might happen.

This is why I am curious as to how significant others handle things and if there are specific boundaries in place or what. I just couldn’t handle this situation at all and I’m not sure if everything is totally preventable. Seems like common sense and basic courtesy of how your partner might perceive something would be a good start but I digress.

Sunrise_Snuggle

@CO_dreaming That's a professional cuddler that didn't maintain proper professional boundaries.

SpicyNSweet

Yeah, that's definitely not healthy behavior on her part, and absolutely NOT what people in relationships should be experiencing, whether or not their partner is a cuddler. Cheating leaves lasting scars, so of course you struggled to recover from that and I'm sorry. My fiancé is completely supportive of me being a cuddler, and we don't have secrets between us.

Velvet_Heart

@CO_dreaming I tend to think this may be a bigger issue that has very little to do with her being a professional cuddler.

From what you've shared, it sounds like there may have been some underlying trust issues already, and perhaps other challenges in the relationship as well.
If that's true, those issues likely would have come to the surface eventually, whether it was through cuddling or something else entirely.

Sometimes a situation like this doesn't create the problem—it simply brings existing issues into the open. That's just my perspective, but hopefully you understand what I mean.

cuddlefaery

I think the difference between boundaries and rules, mentioned previously by @ShaneSchrute and others, is an important nuance to this conversation. The word "boundaries" gets thrown around a lot both on this site and off, with a general lack of knowledge of what it actually means and how to use it. Thanks to an overly simplified pop psychology understanding of boundaries, it also often gets weaponized (intentionally or unintentionally) by individuals who struggle with anxiety, codependency, or who are abusive or in otherwise toxic relationships. Knowing the real difference between setting boundaries for oneself and communicating them, vs telling the other person how they must behave, can make a world of difference in how we navigate relationships of all structures - platonic, romantic, sexual, work, acquaintances, parents, children, etc.

I also think people view jealousy very differently depending on their background and how much therapy they've worked through. Our society tends to praise light jealousy and control of one's partner as "loving them more" or somehow being more committed. People who have explored what jealousy actually feels like, where it's rooted in their thoughts and bodies, and how to process it, often view jealousy not as good or bad, but as a warning signal that something in a relationship doesn't feel right. Maybe a need isn't being met, maybe a past trauma is being triggered, maybe there's unresolved anxious attachment happening, or maybe their partner is less emotionally literate or aware of the consequences of their actions. A lot of times people will just end a relationship over these mismatches, rather than navigate the more complex causes and negotiations that have to happen. And sometimes people's opposing needs just aren't compatible.

Personally, I'm in an open polyamorous relationship practicing relationship anarchy (all relationship types are weighted equally rather than prioritizing sexual/romantic relationships). I was working as a pro when my long-term partner and I first started dating - and even despite us being open, already having a strong base in social-emotional literacy and being very good communicators and negotiators, he struggled sometimes. His anxiety over my safety would get triggered if I didn't check in exactly on time or if I forgot to communicate a change in plans. Sometimes our neurodivergencies clash a bit. However, instead of just ending things, we worked through it. We talked honestly about how we both were feeling (him: anxious, me: stifled), and how we could accommodate each other.

Relationships are not static because people are not - they constantly need work, time, care, and energy to thrive. It's when we settle for a set plan of expectations and start assuming we're on the same page that we begin to run into issues and miscommunications.

Edit to add shameless self-plug:
This month for the CC Book Club we are reading a book about communicating and negotiating consent, which includes discussion of boundaries vs. rules and navigating more complex opposing needs within relationships. I highly recommend the book even if you don't participate in the club - it's a gold standard within the cuddle community for a reason!

VAdude

"When I saw her next I looked at her phone and saw all the texts and put it all together."

Why are you looking at someone else's phone and text? GF or not? Talk about boundaries...

cuddlefaery

Also of note: having an open relationship won't solve the issues mentioned here - it would just complicate matters. These are expectations, needs, and communication issues, and that can happen in any type of relationship regardless of structure.

I really wish people would stop suggesting open relationships as a magic pill for fixing poor relationship and communication skills. As someone who has been practicing ENM for more than 15 years, adding more people to the mix will just make any cracks explode and/or distract from the actual problems at hand.

CO_dreaming

“ Why are you looking at someone else's phone and text?”

Probably because when something seems off and I am given the pin and the phone is placed in my hand, imma gonna look and see what’s up.

cuddlefaery

@CO_dreaming if you're resorting to checking the phone instead of relying on conversations you've had, the trust is already broken - perhaps beyond repair. Trust is so hard to get back, and invading privacy won't improve things.

If it were me and I was feeling the need to verify my instincts by checking a partner's phone, that would tell me the communication has already broken down so far that we're either incompatible, or need serious professional mediation.

pmvines

If you are a jealous or insecure type then don't have relationships with cuddle pros or cuddle adjacent service providers. Problem solved. Not fair to them because they aren't inherently doing anything wrong and likely don't want you going through their phone behind their backs, and not fair to you because nobody should be spending their limited time on earth being upset and worried about the actions of others or if their actions will hurt you.

CO_dreaming

“ if you're resorting to checking the phone instead of relying on conversations you've had, the trust is already broken - perhaps beyond repair”

The trust was broken when I explicitly set a boundary of don’t meet guys last minute in the middle of the night, for obvious reasons, and first chance she got she met a guy after midnight and stayed until 3 am without my knowledge. I don’t think it’s fair to blame the lack of trust on the fact that I looked at the phone. Yes you’re right, trust was already broken.

In retrospect after typing that, it seems the real problem here is that I haven’t been willing to follow through with action on the boundaries I actually did communicate. That’s on me.