@BooksnTeas hopefully you read one of my earlier comments fully. I would have NO issue with sharing with a close friend you trusted we were meeting. Where I draw the line is you having a copy of driver's license firing it off to stranger I don't know who know has all my personal info. This not only threatens my privacy but what about my safety ? You said you want safety for all people right doesn't that include me as well ? How should I feel safe if you or another complete stranger I don't know have a copy of my driver's license or if I hand you over everything else you asked for earlier my place of employment , and my social media info. You wanna see it in person when you arrive to compare notes fine ... I'll even meet you in a public setting first. But the safety you ask for is also two way street.
@Pegasus2020 the gun was a little sarcasm, but the mace wasn't. Why not keep a small thing of mace if you're that paranoid. If you're that concerned for your safety this may not be the path to choose.
@Kense I agree, this isn't for everyone. Same as bungie jumping or shopping on Black Friday.
Not a fan of mace in small enclosed places either.
@BooksnTeas I appreciate and respect your concern for your physical safety in general but especially when meeting new people. That feeling and being physically safe is important to you and you take it very seriously. I can only share what has worked for me. Some of which has already been suggested and you may have also tried. When I do host someone new I meet with them first at a McDonald's or Starbucks or any open place. When I meet them my sister and daughter know the time,place and duration. Or I talk to them by phone before I meet them. That way I guage where they're at. If I choose to take them home, I tell my closest neighbors before hand. They already have my basic information. In addition I have cameras all over my house hidden and buried. And a security system that's connected to the police department. When I travel as guest my car has a camera attached to my gps. In addition I get consent for us to take pictures of each other before and when we meet. Which I keep on my phone. In addition my sister and daughter are made aware and so are my closest neighbors. But I'm also very hyper vigilant to what is said, done by the person and how I generally feel around that person. If something doesn't feel right, it's over. Like I said you are most likely doing all these things already but I'm just sharing what has worked for me. Regarding public places I choose whatever feels comfortable to me. I look for open spaces, accessible exits and human traffic. Hope that contributed to and stayed on topic.
@Bles what do you do if you're traveling out of town on vacation or a buisness trip and decide you want to meet someone ? Or do you refrain from meeting new people when you're away on travel ? Just curious
I have a viable solution I'd like discuss with an admin. How would I speak to someone?
@thundabuddy If you use the Main menu and goto Settings, at the bottom of the page is a link Contact Us. It gets u to the owner
@BooksnTeas
Here's a slightly elaborate, safety protocol:
Only plan to meet with people who have been on the site, and have Karma. Message a person who left positive Karma, verify not a creep. Meet in a public place if either of you feel that it shouldn't go further, then it shouldn't.
Set up safety apps to check in on you and your team. Here are two interesting ones: https://getbsafe.com/ look at the the voice activated feature (you don't have to touch your phone) https://kitestring.io/ is interesting because it checks in on you. If you don't respond it notifies your people.
Once you've reached a destination, check in with the app or your person. If you haven't done it already, have a conversation about rules of conduct, consent, etc. Check in with your person. Check in with your person right after you've left.
@NYCcuddleguy Absolutely great suggestions.
@BooksnTeas Woke is a two-way street. Yeah you don’t know me and what I might do. But I do not know you either and what you might do with my identity. You need to respect my decision that asking for personal info is a deal breaker for me. I did not say I was going to try and talk you into anything. It means you go your way and I go mine. How that is offensive to you puzzled me. You will get rejected for a lot worse on here. What I was stating Is not even rejection, just a realization of incompatibility. That is woke—being adult and realizing not every person will fit your needs or wants and being ok with that. You want absolute safety and so do I, but not at the cost of financial and reputation ruination. Best to just walk away as we could never satisfy the other’s demands.
@hugonehugall I generally refrain from meeting people when I'm traveling. I did it once. I'll never do it again. Only and only if I've already cuddled with the person and know him or her. But when I travel to meet someone new my three tools are my phone, my people and my gut intuition.
@BooksnTeas --with everything practically said regarding physical safety-- doesn't matter what plumbing one has or who you are, 'minority' or not (I effen hate that term). I understand there are a lot of people who are toxically entitled who need not be around others they wish to disrespect. It's sad and it's the way of the world, unfortunately.
I would also propose sending the client a text getting the message somehow regarding your specific boundaries and reminder about TOS, including heavy consequences of challenging, ignoring and violating them.
Put it in your profile if you must, including request for a reference, perhaps linkedIn account name, the place they work, a pic of them holding a copy of their ID / driver's license....whichever works.
I came up with my own in draft form, _a personal checklist of requirements for myself and message to send a client, _again -- cisgender or not, I don't care what underneath that belly button boundaries will be enforced.
_** Do what ever it takes to make yourself secure**_ (sorry that this is a long post, though)
...for the English majors out there, relax... it is only a draft
My personal pre-meeting _requirements _(before I even choose to respond)
Ignore compliments of any physical attributes, misplaced or inappropriate romanticism in text, or chat prior to meeting now or in the future. Second iteration of 'boundary violation' are ignored, too. There is to be no expressing expectations of future meetings due to past negative experiences with others. stay in the moment, stay connected to your inner self and use that as a guide to see if there is a fit first while we try to get to know each other in the context of platonic interaction. Contact via the chat platform is required. we will not exchange personal phone numbers Go over the all different cuddling positions and find which one you like. If you have a significant other be sure to inform them of this session
In person requirements (to the client)
Be sure to go over the consent model* prior to meeting and to list your preferences and requirements as well in the chat. Tell me the different cuddling positions you like best.
I do not allow kisses, rubbing or any physical compliments now or in the future. There are plenty things to talk about in the world. You will be advised only ONE TIME to not challenge or violate my boundaries as I will not do that to you (due to the more than sufficient time allotted to go over the requirements of understanding boundaries and consent prior to meeting). The second iteration of enforcement immediately ends the session with the reason explained, no f**ks, refunds or future appointments given. (I really hate to go there, even though the horse has rotted down to its bones.) Speak up regarding your feelings in context of the session and TOS, feel free to make suggestions and ask for feedback during the session at all times if you need a different position of cuddling. A closed mouth gets no respect.
Post cuddle directions for Client:
Saying 'Goodbye, see you next time' hugs are appropriate. Share what emotions have been experienced Post a comment/feedback on the Cuddle Comfort Site Feel free to set up another appointment.
I wrote this because of the uncomfortable, one-line responses,etc. I got before upping my account and other experiences in social media life. I want to project a positive experience while at the same time, let the person know that I'm strong, serious and someone with boundaries, the client has the freedom to speak up and leave the session, too.
I hope that what I've said is near to the answer you need -- but if not , I'm sorry, but I tried.
@snugbuddy - thanks for the tip, I'll look for that.
@DrJames - thanks but I don't want to just keep myself safe, I want to be with someone who is knowledgable that someone knows who I'm with. For me that's helpful to feel I can trust them.. not just know that I can run away from them if needed.
@hugonehugall - sorry, I didn't realize you said you were ok with someone sharing a trusted friend they were meeting you. I would really love to hear how that could happen.. that's what I'm posting here for. I would only just want a basic level of information and for someone to say "yay, go tell your friend you're safe with me for the next __ hours. I trust myself so much I feel ok being known to someone else." The thing is, I listed things I'd thought of that might take care of that to show that I've been thinking of this and that's what I'd come up with. If you have a better idea (any idea- introducing someone to a neighbor.. anything where a person is not feeling generally like they are not known.) I don't care what it is or how it's done. I don't need to give anyone info. Those were just earnest ideas.
@Pegasus2020 @Kense - the thought of using weapons to meet someone is beyond me. I wouldn't meet someone that I didn't trust. That's the point here.
@Bles - thank you so much. Those are lot of great safety measures. Part of my point is that I'm tired of having to navigate the safety concerns as a woman (or whoever is vulnerable traditionally, or within a power dynamic.) I love the idea of taking pictures of each other and sending to a friend. That is exactly the kind of suggestion I'm looking for, with that I'm wanting the person to agree I could send a photo out if that's what I do. This is not about me having proof if something goes wrong, it's about knowing I'm with a person who trusts that wont happen and proves it by being known. I also love the idea of talking to a neighbor or roommate, I just would want the person to meet my roommate, shake their hand and say hello or something. While I have tons and tons of respect that this is something people earn money doing professionally, I'm not in that position I'm seeking comfort and don't want to be responsible for being the therapist in the room, this is not a business so the camera stuff is overkill in my case. Again though, it's not just about having self defense and protection, it's really about being with someone who understands the power dynamic in this world, and doesn't want to someone in a vulnerable population to meet them without being known to someone, either a friend or whomever.
@thundabuddy - good on you, hope your suggestion works. I have had some thoughts too, but was hoping to get some idea that they already existed here or somewhere else or were being done in some way as a thing, that my thoughts were not just something I was going with alone, asking a site to create a new avenue for safety is something to do, but the energy here I'd hoped would be fruitful.
@NYCcuddleguy - Thanks so much, all good safety suggestions, I just want to be in a room with someone who is down with being known.. if we both were registered on the safety app that would be cool. Then he'd be a person who's accounted for and not some anonymous that I'd be responsible for not dying around. All the checks and intuition that everyone is mentioning- they are things I already have and do.. it's just that I'm tired of that at the end of the day when everyone does these vetting things, that when two people decide to go alone with one another, that in this world where we all know that something can happen, we are still placing the responsibility on the people who things can happen to rather than the people who can do things.. I'm just tired of the world being like that, it's not comfortable, and cuddling within it is not comfortable.
@FunCartel - yes, best to realize incompatibility indeed. Also, there are thousands of American men today who 5 years ago would not feel compatible with women who removed consent after "leading them on" who have learned that their boundaries were insane. We're moving in that direction. I don't want anyone's info.. I was listing those as examples of the the things I'd been able to think of and asking for maybe better suggestions.. that would help me be in a room alone with someone who is not anonymous to either friends or some third party who knew I was with them... not because I think they may be bad, as I mentioned I am experienced with my own intuition.. which is leading me these days to be exhausted at the idea that I've been lucky and might one day not be. This is a burden most women and trans bear, those of us who have been lucky, that you may never feel. So I'm sorry that I triggered some upset in you that someone might steal your credit card.
@rheaah - wow. I want to acknowledge you, and come back to your wealth of suggestions when I have time to actually think. Thank you. I noticed you'd mentioned asking them for a linked account or pictures of themselves with license.. really that willingness to not be invisible is important to me. I really think it's odd that people are meeting women alone and just thinking it's ok to ask people to meet strangers, and not try to uplift a culture where women ask men not to hide in shadows and be invisible to the outside world.. like, do we live in a r*p^ culture or not.. are we perpetuating it when women are meeting men who are invisible and hence unaccountable or not.. are we going to do anything to shift our world or not? I'm meeting men who think my intuition is enough.. and what about all the other women who can't rely on intuition.. this is a shared world, and I'm participating in it.. it's really hard for me to meet people who don't know my friends and think that's ok for women.
People have suggested that this is not for me if I'm that sensitive, and it's like, yeah, maybe I can opt to only be in public with people and do more traditional dating... and.. that's me leaving a problematic world- no doubt that is the position of sheer privilege.. I'm just gonna move on here where I don't have to worry about what's going on. I may, but it's definitely not my style to imagine I've done something for myself when I wasn't able to address a clear issue that remains for other people. But, we only have one life, and you can try as best you can to raise awareness to some problems. The problem here is that the responsibility for safety is at the end is on the people who are vulnerable, and that there should be more shared responsibility.. that the menish folk on here are worried about their identity and don't have an answer on how I could hold someone accountable, other than that this may not be for me. Who is it for?.. women who want to keep on knowing how their own intuition has kept them safe for so long in a world of impossible statistics and who have to keep hoping their luck will continue. I'm wanted to come here to relax, not to cross my fingers that some guy who seems really nice is not going to switch when we are alone. Again, I've really not had much of this problem.. maybe it's just that I'm feeling vulnerable these days and I don't want to be the one who has to promise myself I've checked everything twice.
@BooksnTeas apology accepted I know I said a lot so it's understandable if that was missed. Also Im not sure if this is a thing or not still but there community services and or groups that offer free self defense classes to women , college students ect ect ... I also believe some police depts did this at one point , they still may. Also a lot of martial arts studios & kickboxing gyms will give you a one month free membership to convince you to join them. I know it may not sound like much but it'll give you the opportunity to pick up a few basic techniques that could turn out useful & also let you tone some 💪💪 at the same time lol. And one other thing this may sound small and or silly if you're going to meet someone new at their place for the 1st time agree to cuddle on the couch or whatever comfortable living room furniture they have available. For some ( Im not one of these folks mind you ) the bed or bedroom still has underlying sexual overtones. So maybe one of your rules can be no bed or bedroom cuddling on the 1st meeting.
@BooksnTeas oh and as far as how someone could let me know a friend knows we're meeting .... Easy just say as part of the booking process " A third party is aware that we're meeting " that's all that really needs to be said.
@BooksnTeas you know how it goes, if you don't solve 100% of the problem people feel that you haven't solved it. Small steps will help people be safer, there isn't such thing as 100% safe anyway.
You don't have to wait for someone to get murdered for wanted to cuddle before taking action.
@BooksnTeas I think you missed my serious post on how I see a weapon in this context.
I take personal responsibility for my safety and carry 24/7/365. I believe you are looking for the group/culture to ensure your safety. Two different philosophies.
An excerpt from my earlier post follows:
If you feel you need to take a gun to one specific place or for one reason, any reputable trainer will tell you don't go there. Stay away.
This doesn't mean that those sufficiently trained and armed continuously should disarm themselves. It means avoid situations that clearly are risky.
@Pegasus2020 it seems you & think similarly in that at the end of the day you're responsible for your own personal safety in this world and that can't always rely on the rest of the world to look out for it. It's up to the decisions you make and the situations you decide to put yourself in most of the time. Of course there are some exceptions but you get my point.
@Pegasus2020 also in the tristate area (NY, NJ, CT), the scenarios where you can legally carry are so limited that most people just don't.
Nothing like going to jail or getting sued for self defense!
My advice to those who are concerned about their safety: never relax, not even for a moment, even during the cuddle session. Stay vigilant at all times. Have a weapon near at hand. Never turn your back on your cuddler, either before, during, or after the cuddle session. When you get out, or when the cuddler leaves, celebrate your own survival. Congratulations, you have made it through! Since the experience has likely been stressful, I recommend that you then take at least a week off to recover before starting to screen the next applicant.
Guns ?? Mace ? Pepper spray? A knife was mentioned somewhere in the forum .
Folks , you are defeating the purpose of cuddling , don’t be in such a hurry to cuddle someone on this website if you have to curl up into a fetal position and tell your partner that they can hug you but that if” you so much as twitch like you are moving to my private parts I’ll mace the crap out of you “.
That sarcasm breaks my heart and demonstrates an unfortunate level of insensitivity to women's experience. Enjoy your privilege sebastian23.
And what privilege might that be, littermate?
@cuddlerforu24
"Guns ?? Mace? Pepper spray? A knife was mentioned somewhere in the forum."
Is Tactical Hugging a term? If not I want to coin it. Here is an illustration to help visualize it.
I feel like everyone has intuition and if things don’t feel right than don’t meet up. I would say the most important thing as men on here is to at least have one karma comment on your profile. Even one comment makes a world of difference in making us feel safe.
@sebastian23 strength
Strength is not a privilege, littermate.
@sebastian23
a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.
Hmm, fits for me. So does being of the gender that is not generally hunted as the object of another entitled stronger gender's sexual satisfaction. A gender that is conditioned to put us down in order to feel superior and decisively manly. And that combo makes safety of utmost concern to us women daring enough to offer ourselves for snuggling to strangers. Derision is one of the weapons of man code enforcement and the pecking order within which we are at the bottom. Keep us there! Make fun of anything that threatens you. Like vulnerability. Vulnerability. Vulnerability. Vulnerability. Help! Help! Help! Help me feel safe. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? How silly. How foolish. Ha ha ha!
Not saying there aren't advantages to having a female body. Am saying you're advertising a level of insensitivity that will cut down your available cuddle pool and likely will handicap you in getting close to us delicious darlings.
@DonLonG sweetness
Littermate, you delicious darling but also poor thing, to be of a gender that is so oppressed and victimized by the oh-so-brutish male. But at least we've found out that we would not be good cuddle partners—me with my astonishing level of insensitivity and you being, well, judging by your profile pic, nothing more than a bag of bones (do you only cuddle on Halloween?) are obviously not bound for cuddle bliss. But I would be willing to give you a chance if you should care to drive to Iowa. I will of course need to see your driver's license, have you register with the local police as a visitor to the area, and meet all my neighbors. Then we can begin!
How about insisting that all men have a professional cuddle first, as a physical interview ? They can be asked what the man was like, and be told the meeting is taking place.