Men, how do you feel about sending messages that end up getting ignored?

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  • I know this is an old discussion. I joined 2 weeks ago and I contacted one woman in my city who has no photo as I do. She never contacted me because I didn't know she is a nonpro or whatever reason. I thought all of them are. As in life (applying for job, meet a woman, or a cuddler) move on to the next. If you already posted a date and time for a pro cuddler's session, politely message her to cancel within 2 days because some I bet will charge you even if you never heard from her lol.

  • I agree with one of the posters above about the "keepers." I knew a gal once who treated guys with "guy-respect." She was just a friend, but all I would could think of when I was around her was "One-in-a-million. What a gem!!" Don't let them go, (if you are lucky enough!)

  • I joined yesterday and I have received over 10s of messages. I am thrilled about it but honestly I wasn’t even ready for it. So don’t be offended there are people like me. For others, if you make a genuine connect, it’s their loss if they don’t respond that’s how I see it.

    I also see a major imbalance in gender ratio here so that’s the other problem. So girls profiles are becoming like celebrity profiles here. Celebrities get several fan mails but responses are received via lottery. Plain fact. Sad but true IMHO.

  • Not to be flip, but this sounds like a topic for an Economics PhD dissertation. :) Cuddlygirlhugs, I wonder if you would mind me messaging you, not about cuddling, but about the response to joining the site. I have had a similar issue on Meetup with a professional meetup group.

  • Of course I would welcome getting info from other ladies on their "site-joining" experiences, if that's the right term, whether similar or different

  • It saddens me that so many of you think that we don’t owe each other some manners...

    We’re not talking about owing each other a cuddle, sex or date, just a message saying you’re not interested.

  • It seems that "what we have here is a failure to communicate." There is no way for well-meaning guys to see the avalanche and empathize with the girls that are now snowed under. And look to be snowed in as long as they are on the site.

    Does that seem about right?

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    I've sent plenty of messages that didn't get a reply. I see it as a time-saver: I spent some time reading their profile and composing a message, sure, but at least I didn't have to waste more time reading a "no thanks" message. No response means "no thanks" ...and, personally, I find it easier to deal with. For one thing, silence gets less of a But whyyy? response from my brain, and for another, once you've actually made contact with somebody, it can be hard to let go.

    "They said 'no', but they spoke to me so now we're talking!" is what some stupid part of my brain seems to insist. And then it wants to go on talking, which is an even greater waste of time (since the person I'm talking to already said 'no'). It's one thing to strike up a no-meet internet friendship, but if the other person doesn't really want to talk to you....

  • I respectfully disagree:

    It is like that old nonsense: "Silence implies Consent"

    Silence does NOT necessarily imply consent:

    Silence could simply MEAN deafness, or muteness, or ignorance, or incomplete knowledge, or imperfect understanding, or distraction, or that my bluetooth is turned up too loud

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited February 2019

    @mmpacom: So, in your view, if someone you send a message to doesn't respond... it might just mean that you have to try again louder?

    Edit: That is possible, but the odds are low. It's best to assume silence means 'no', and leave them alone. If it turns out they just missed your message, you'll be pleasantly surprised—if they misunderstood your message, you'll probably communicate better with someone else.

  • @DarrenWalker, nowhere did I use the word "louder"

    I simply state that, especially online, but also in real-world experience, there is no possible way to know what "silence", per se, means

  • Even a polite rejection sometimes opens things up to extreme negativity. I don’t like it if I don’t get a response either but that’s just the reality. I agree with @DarrenWalker . Just interpret no response as no thanks. Whatever their feelings are it’s a close enough translation.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @mmpacom: I agree there's no way to know for sure. But there's definitely a best assumption.

  • Also, respectfully, "louder" implies that I can be heard

    What am I basing that assumption on? (The design of this website, which is clearly flawed, maybe fundamentally so?) Maybe I cannot be heard, "louder" is futile, and I have no way of knowing that.

  • Women get so many messages on here that it’s easy to get overlooked or lost in the noise. I sent a message to a woman in the summer of 2017 and didn’t hear anything until four months later. She’s one of my best friends on the planet now. So you just never know. I’m not saying getting no response doesn’t feel somewhat like a rejection, but the other party is someone you’ve never met. They might be the greatest person on earth or the worst. It’s not worth worrying about.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited February 2019

    @mmpacom: I was speaking metaphorically—in this context, "louder" can be interpreted literally (for example, to overcome all ranges of deafness except complete, or a too-loud Bluetooth), or metaphorically (e.g., overcoming ignorance / incomplete knowledge of a new message by producing multiple New Message alerts).

    On this website, it is possible that someone you've messaged just hasn't seen the message yet, and you can be "louder" by sending more messages.

    It's also possible that someone didn't understand your message properly, and you can be "louder" by trying again with different words.

    But it's far better to assume that silence means "no thanks" and get on with your life, because if they didn't see your message they may well get back to you even if you don't drown them in New Message alerts (like @acvf1972's buddy eventually did), and if they didn't understand you, you'll probably find it easier to communicate with someone else.

  • Anyway thanks for the friendly discussion.

    I am going to research into this further. Maybe an FAQ on the top that gives typical real-life experiences might help everyone and let them know what to expect.

    If girls consistently report something like "I got 74 messages in the first three hours!!!", it might go a long way to further mutual understanding.

  • @DarrenWalker

    I agree: in life, louder is sometimes better; on the other hand, sometimes not

    The rub is, on this site, by its very design, there is no possible way to tell: maybe if they find out a way to fix that, everyone would enjoy themselves more

    Let us all hope for that day ?

  • Welcome to the internet. Get over yourself. Lol

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @mmpacom: Hmm. "Message read" notifications are fiddly and prone to malfunction (as seen on Skype), but they're doable. "Message understood" notifications would require an algorithm that could read first the mind of the sender, then the mind of the recipient, in order to confirm that the message was understood as the writer meant it to be.

    In my experience, messages are rarely actually lost on a site like this: if you sent it, odds are very good that it ended up in the other person's inbox. Buried under a lot of other messages, maybe—but there.

    A lot of things in life are uncertain, alas. You just have to do the best you can to improve certainty with whatever tools you have (an understanding of how odds work here, an algorithm to tell you when a sent message has been read there, and who knows? maybe someday a machine that reads minds). In the meantime, "silence means 'no thanks'" is the least likely-to-be-annoying-to-others assumption you can make... so I'll stick with it.

  • Ah, an interesting, spirited, yet honest and heartfelt discussion consigned to the wastebasket

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited February 2019

    @mmpacom: No, no! Don't consign it yet!

    You want to be sure the person you're trying to talk to has your message in her inbox somewhere, right? Be reassured—the site works well, messages don't typically fall between the cracks—it's very likely to be in her inbox (even though you can't see it there).

    And you want to know when she's read it, right? Silence is easier to bear when you know she just hasn't gotten to your message yet.

    Especially if you also know how many other messages she has, so you also want to know where your message is in the inbox queue, right?

    And you want to be sure she's understood it properly, right?

    All these things may well be possible in time. Technology is amazing. Terribly buggy at first, yes, but amazing. Give it a hundred years or so, and all your sending-messages-on-CC dreams might indeed come true. The problem is that we're not there yet, and we have to deal with what is, not what might be. So, at the moment, it's best to keep quiet when someone doesn't respond to one of our messages.

    See, that's not wastebasket-worthy, is it?


    Edit: Oh, wait... you meant to "@" @labelz, didn't you. Whoops.

  • @DarrenWalker

    I was thinking of a more simple approach: one would "friend" (however the logistics work) a person like on Facebook and WAIT to be approved -

    AND you would see "they have 113 friend requests pending"

    Not that this would solve anything, mind you, but it would least call attention to the situation : namely, there is an order of magnitude more guys messaging girls than vice versa

    No fun, I know, but...

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @mmpacom: Not a bad idea. I don't like Facebook, so I have an instinctive aversion to putting anything Facebook does on this website... but anything that makes it blatantly obvious how overwhelmed women get on here seems like a really good idea.

  • @DarrenWalker , you misunderstood me

    The "consignment" comment was wrt the considered contribution of @labelz

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @mmpacom: Yeah, I figured that out a few minutes later and added an edit. Whoops....

    Sorry about that.

  • I think some men also need to understand that, us as women, we literally get FLOODED with messages! FLOODED! Sometimes it’s overwhelming to constantly have to have those elevator conversations. And this site doesn’t do a very great job at screening folks. I had someone send me a message with their number, I reverse phone lookup the number, the guy had 3 separate charges of arson! One in 2008, 2012, 2015. Is that a super horrible thing? No! Do I know the stories behind these charges? No! But it makes me wonder what else is out there? Will I be safe cuddling with a new person? I see stuff like this and it just gives me flashbacks of the horror stories from POF, Blackpage, and Craigslist.

  • edited February 2019

    Eh when I first joined I had the avalanche of messages. I actually prayed for the day I fell off of the look who's new banner because I didn't want the attention like that. It got a hell of a lot better after that point. I also think my profile content probably isn't popular for people to want to message, and I am absolutely happy about that. The people who have been contacting me are people I actually want to know. It just took about...3 months of being here to stabilize conversations.
    I am also certain that my profile has a lot of factors others would not like so that has come back and helped against the landslide lol its kinda freeing to be out of the message woods as a woman online. I use to just pretend to be a guy to avoid it in the past. Now I just have to be my own natural self to get avoided! ??

  • @StrawberryPop @laylanie

    What you think of the idea of "friending" or some kind of screening / user-approval

  • @mmpacom you mean besides the karma points?

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