I think most people on this site don't want what they say they want

Profile: "I like and want all these things."

Real life: "I don't know. Maybe I just liked imagining and saying these things, but I'm afraid of actually doing them."

So is this mostly a soundboard for cuddly thoughts sometimes? Most I've seen here abandon, shy away from actually connecting, making plans, getting together, following through, doing anything in real life or even virtually... so are we ruled by fear and pop-culture stigma and peer pressure, or do we actually want what we say we want?

I'm not into hyper-critical and comformative pop-culture or religious boxes, I believe people should be honest about what they want (in the right places) because it's a part of who they are, and actually go for what they want, not shy away because they're afraid of real-life connecting or touch or the complications of communication or not fitting into expected cultural norms... otherwise they're like a flower behind glass in a room with a little window with the sun shining in where the rays something cross the glass, and they wilt and stay in their boxes in their separate rooms saying sometimes that they want to be together.

Is this natural human behavior? "I want the things but not really". Is it not easy enough? Are we confused? Why do we seem to keep choosing to stay in our boxes or shut the window or burrow into the dirt instead of going out into the world with the fresh sunlight and air and earth where we can interact to get what we want?

Maybe we we want something other than we say we want... and would prefer to be in a different box?

Comments

  • I agree that a large percentage of people I've come across on websites like this (and similar Facebook groups) aren't actually that serious about doing platonic cuddling. There could be all sorts of reasons but when the rubber meets the road, lots of people shy away and pull out - both male and female. People often join more out of curiosity, perhaps seeking entertainment and just interested for the novelty value more than anything else.

    I suspect it often has to do with fear and social anxiety, and also the fact that cuddling with someone when you aren't dating or close friends can feel quite strange and unnatural initially. Even I still find it a bit jarring sometimes, after doing platonic cuddling for the last four years, though I'm much more used to pushing through that initial awkward stage.

    There's also probably a large percentage of people who actually want a romantic/sexual/dating relationship on some level, but may be emotionally unavailable or maybe just had bad luck on mainstream dating apps. Or maybe they just really want a partner who loves cuddling, as there's a lot of people who just aren't super cuddly but still want to date.

    I've had a number of enthusiast cuddle buddies and sometimes they drop out if they get attached and/or realise they would prefer an actual dating relationship long-term. I suspect a lot of people think that platonic cuddling will be easy and straightforward, but then realise in practice it's not as simple as they imagined.

    People have varying degrees of need for physical touch as well, so some people might just want to cuddle others as an enjoyable recreational activity or a source of entertainment. Those people might get bored more easily and be less inclined to stick it out long term, while for others it feels like a core physical and emotional need.

    TL;DR: There's a whole range of reasons why people are ambivalent about platonic cuddling, and don't know what they really want.

  • I think most that join this site are truly serious about cuddling but are so shy or scared to take that first step that they just peruse the forums and live vicariously off of others. I’ve had a few cuddlers that have booked me and when I check their profile, it says they’ve been here for three years, so I bring that up at some point m, mentioning how experienced they probably are with cuddling. They go on to tell me that I’m one of their first cuddlers because they were apprehensive to try.

    I definitely believe some are on here to watch the world burn and troll the site. They jump into conversations in the forum spewing something hurtful and hope to get a reaction. Nonetheless, I think most are just scared or need a little push or just need a lot more time to adjust to the idea of becoming intimate and making a connection.

  • The question posited is nothing more than common sense. Most people are hesitant to engage a stranger in real life in casual conversation and now you are asking them to reveal and tell you their secret wants and needs that they probably keep hidden from friends and family. I think it is perfectly normal that they take a step forward and two steps back as that is how things are in modern society. Look at a queue at an airport to board. I find that the older passengers are more likely to try and engage whereas most people have their eyes averted, headphones on, or other postures as a wall against social interaction. Sad, but that is what has become of society.

  • edited May 16

    Sorry if this sounds negative... just frustrated at the twists and turns, often apparently for no reason due to lack of communication. Watching flowers in boxes is only nice for a while.

  • edited May 16

    Thing is just cus someone is on a cuddle site doesn't mean they are going to throw all caution to the wind and forego social norms and lstop istening to their gut . Most people don't feel ok about just jumping right in with an internet stranger particularly if it's something new and anxiety inducing to them . And after all that , if they do decide they are ready willing and able , it doesn't mean they are going to want to cuddle with or share things with you specifically . And they don't really owe a reason or justification for any of the above either

  • I think everyone on this site, would like a cuddle partner, who is :
    1. Free
    2. Local, to save on commuting time and cost
    3. Available 24/7, in case their need to cuddle, once awakened, occurs at any instant ; but not wanting to cuddle, when that would be inconvenient.
    4. On the same page, emotionally, whatever that page happens to be at any time.
    5. etc.

    What we try to do, is find someone who vaguely meets a reasonable proportion of that ; and any commitment, with the feelings of a human being at stake, deserves an appropriate amount of deliberation.

    Others join in one set of circumstances, and then stay even when their circumstances change.

  • I have the exact set of requirements as geof1000 just listed. No disagreement there.

    Unfortunately, just like in real life (say, a dating site) a lot of women are using this just as an Ego Boost and never actually intend to go further - just keep entertaining the hypothetical "what if" scenario :)

  • "Watching flowers in boxes is only nice > for a while."

    Damn, that's one helluva great quote!
    Pretty please, can I use it too :) ?

    All sarcasm aside, it's really"business as usual" around here. I really don't see a reason why people would suddenly behave differently on a particular site.

  • "On the same page, emotionally, > whatever that page happens to be at any > time."

    @geoff1000 : that's a tough one. Most women use this particular one as a very successful filtering technique, because it's so hard to achieve it for men (in women's eyes).

    Fun fact, last three women in my life all used the exact same BS, but ironically , it was me who was emotionally available and they were the ones who haven't done the hard work and emotionally processed their last relationship.

    But, their dating profile mentioned it as a No.1 requirement :)

  • edited May 16

    Desires change. Needs change and vary. We're human beings who are always trying to figure things out: our feelings, our thoughts our, needs, our wants. And in the midst of all this life often happens. Life happens and everything we think or thought we wanted or needed gets thrown for a loop. Hence change becomes our constant companion. And we're constantly trying to internally gauge what we want and need with who we're with, where we are and what is possible or likely. Often we just don't say it. Which maybe part of the problem. Maybe.

    Maybe we're all guilty of saying we want something then realizing we don't later on.

    Maybe we're all guilty at one time or another being " flowers in boxes" waiting behind glass windows for rays of sunshine we never learn to synthesize.

    Maybe it's what makes us human: to seem confused to others about what we want and preoccupied in our own worlds about what it is we want as against what we think is available as against what we should or could settle for. So many variables to contend with. The higher the emotional and physical stakes the deeper the seeming ambivalence.

    So many maybes. But the fear, the guardedness, the wavering is all part of "burrowing" in "the dirt". What if that is also an innate need we all have as human beings at different phases in our lives? What if in our attempt to lick and or heal our wounded inner selves we create little "boxes" to help us filter out perceived potential danger as a defense mechanism?

    After all we're on a site of people with diverse life experiences. No excuses. But what if in creating our little "flower boxes" we neglected to fill them with nutrient giving soil that would allow us to absorb and radiate healthy photosynthesis in our environment? What if what we say we want we later realize in observation and with experience that it's not available to us? At least in the way we say we want it?

    Lastly, is it so much a question of not wanting what you say you want or wanting and or needing more than you think you can get or is available to you?

  • The first time I went out to buy a pair of shoes on my own, I looked at a few, tried on a couple of pairs, then picked the ones I liked best, paid for them, and left with them in a box. I knew that if they fell apart the next day, or leaked when I stood in a puddle, I could get my money back. I also knew that within about a year, they'd be worn out and I'd need a new pair.

    Finding a partner for cuddling or dating, is soooo very different.

  • edited May 16

    @Siberian76 I can truly relate to what you say about emotional availability. It requires hard work to process and heal old wounds to the inner self. It's indeed something many of us women flippantly talk about but rarely often do. Because it also requires us to strip ourselves of old habits that are unhealthy and destructive. It often requires us to look hard at ourselves and acknowledge our not so good qualities that keeps us making the same mistakes with others.

    And it is also true that men don't often do that inner self work. Not because they don't want to. Very often they just haven't been conditioned to. But in my experience I've found that when a man truly takes the time to work on his inner self he is far more transparent and consistent than some of us women. I'm not trying to be sexist here. I'm just saying that in general when people (male or female) take the time and effort to constructively address their past wounds it puts them in a place that makes them far more emotionally available and transparent than those who do not. I'm also saying more specifically in my own subjective experience that a lot of us women use the phrase emotional availability as a tool to advertise who and what we aren't. It sounds like a nice catch and hook kind of phrase to make you seem enlightened and "awoke" even if you're not.

    Truly when you have spent time working on your inner self you don't need to advertise emotional availability as a requirement for connecting with anyone. It just shows in the way you communicate and carry yourself in interactions with others. That applies to both men and women.

  • I think y'all just need to be more understanding of people. Whatever reason someone may decide not to cuddle with you is valid. Whether they are simply shy, have trauma issues or other personal reasons, are just uncomfortable with you, think it's too sketchy to go meet up with a total stranger to cuddle, or due to the fact there's a literal worldwide pandemic going on rn, or /any/ reason they may change their mind or decide they do not want to cuddle with you, is valid, and you should respect them.

  • I think y'all just need to be more understanding of people. Whatever reason someone may decide not to cuddle with you is valid. Whether they are simply shy, have trauma issues or other personal reasons, are just uncomfortable with you, think it's too sketchy to go meet up with a total stranger to cuddle, or due to the fact there's a literal worldwide pandemic going on rn, or /any/ reason they may change their mind or decide they do not want to cuddle with you, is valid, and you should respect them.

    Totally agree. Also the harsh reality is, cuddling with a random person off the internet is just going to feel super weird and uncomfortable for the vast majority of people in our society. It's not something most people would do with someone they aren't already emotionally close to, and might feel a bit like walking up to a stranger and telling their life story. It's a level of intimacy most people take a long time to reach with someone, and rushing it can feel very awkward - like they are pushing past their natural emotional and physical boundaries.

  • edited May 16

    Whatever reason someone may decide not to cuddle with you is valid.

    I'm not saying it isn't, but it's not valid to say it's only because of me when you don't know all of my experiences or what's in the other person's head.

    I'm not butt-hurt about a couple of people just not wanting to do something with me (that's ridiculous), I'm frustrated that it seems more often than not, people post stuff, say they wanna do any of it in conversation with you, even make plans, and then just fall out, and I've heard many say they haven't done anything and/or won't do anything. I've had many good experiences here... but I'm calling out people who say one thing and do another, who don't actually mean what they say, who won't actually do in real life what they say they want here.

    If they get cold feet or scared, alright that's understandable, especially if the other person said or did something scary, but if there's no indication of that, or the person keeps saying they want to do this or that, then just keeps floating away... what are they doing here? Playing games. They don't actually want what they want, they just want the fantasy. Go find a dating site; go find a zoom party.

    A lot of profiles hardly say anything... which if it's sincere is better than a bunch of stuff you don't actually mean. At least be honest; I've seen some profiles that even just say "I'm not sure" or "just checking this out"... perfectly understandable! But if you got a bunch of stuff on your profile that you actually won't do, or are afraid to move beyond the keyboard, then clean it up so people aren't getting the wrong impression, or get the gumption to get yourself out there. Otherwise you're just a string-dragging lurker. Lurk all you want but just don't drag the string at least...

    Anyway, point it all back to me if you want, but generally jumping to negative conclusions about someone venting about repetitive nonsense and blaming them for everything just seems evasive... I understand people being cautious, that's nothing to complain about. But if you're gonna say what you're looking for here, there's only so long you can drag a string before it becomes obvious that you're not serious about it.

  • @davebutton I get that. What you describe are undiagnosed incels and their profiles are shrines to the Walter Mitty School of Wishes They Will Never Do. After awhile you will develop a natural divining rod in your mind to detect their nonsense and ignore it.

  • edited May 16

    @FunCartel Good point.

    Edit: I wouldn't call them incels though; I know some have sex and want more affection, but won't break the mental ice wall in real life... that's what I'm talking about, the mind prison. Figure out what you want, state it, and go for it.

  • The painful honest truth is that any kind of interpersonal connection requires some degree of vulnerability: mental, emotional and so on. In order to be vulnerable one needs to be real with oneself and process one's internal wounds thoughtfully and constructively. Many people's answer to their past wounds is mental detachment or icing. It's easier for them to wall off those wounds with manipulative distancing behaviors than to address them honestly. It's the way many people are. And that is often why their actions at times appear confusing, frustrating and hurtful to others who have actually spent time dealing with their own past pain.

    Certainly with time and close observation of words and actions such behaviors become easier to detect and filter out. And eventually you even begin to understand the deeper pattern of self abandonment and neglect behind such behaviors before it ever gets to the point of frustrating or irritating you. The more self attuned one is the clearer such patterns of behavior appear. The more skilled one gets at handling them. That's been my own subjective experience anyway.

  • From my experiences, most of the female cuddlers look at this site as just a way to make good money. The suggested rate by the site is 80.00 (which in my opinion is too high to begin with) and then some want 100 or more. Had one recently who wanted me to pay additional for her babysitter. Very few have any cuddle experience and really don't know how to connect, especially with a stranger. Those who have been doing it for awhile may be better, but length of time does not always translate to a good cuddler. I have had a few good ones, some that were a waste of time and money, been ghosted after they made an appt, and had some who never had the courtesy to respond. It's a mixed bag on this site for sure. All you can do is look at their profile, read any karma, and hope you make the right choice. I am still hopeful, but becoming less and less interested. I agree with @geoff1000 on what we all would like from this site.

  • The first time I tried parachute jumping, I was very keen. The training was interesting, but on that day it was too windy to jump. After a couple of weeks of optimistically visiting the airfield, we finally got the OK, so I put on a jump suit and a chute, and practiced on an aircraft on the ground.

    After a few minutes, we got enough pupils together for the plane, it took off and climbed to altitude. The instructor told me to climb out onto the wheel and hold onto the wing strut, tricky in a 90 mph wind.

    Then I had to let go.

    I had to fight against the decades of conditioning, which had taught me to not fall off high objects. The only way I managed, was to convince myself that it was just a wind machine and a big aerial photograph, but for the few seconds before my parachute opened, I was sure that I had just committed suicide.

    The next 5 jumps were the same. I never got over the idea that I was doing something really dangerous, and didn't want to lose that idea of self-preservation, in case I became reckless without a parachute.

    I guess human relationships are similar, the reality can be a lot more scary than merely imagining the experience, and we want to keep our "radar" on, until we are very sure about someone.

    As the saying goes "It is better to be on the ground, wishing you were in the air ; than in the air, wishing you were on the ground". It is similarly better to be hoping for a "relationship" / arrangement, than trying to get out of a bad one. Being on the site, is like having a ticket in the lottery ; it means you might win.

    I think most of us are looking for something long-term, so that needs a lot of hard thinking. In the meantime, a pro-cuddler is probably a good idea, like a tandem parachute jump, where an experienced person is pulling the ripcord.

  • Being someone who has taught full on classes on asking for what they want...it is the most challenging thing for everyone in my classes. So yes...people may want something...and in writing it is so much easier to say it and in real life it stretches people.

    I have had people on here want to cuddle and no show..I've had people think it was a sexual thing (thankfully I always meet at a cafe found to have found that out). I've seen people so scared of this practice..scared of not being able to control themselves.. do something wrong...not be able to do it right..fear of crossing boundaries unknowingly.

    I've been a cuddler for years...long before I did it professionally. And now that I dont do it as a profession...I see people grow so much when I give them total compassion as long as they arent yanking my chain and wasting my time! Which you never really know on this.

    I hear and feel your frustration and most people dont know how to go for wh they want. I wish I could put together a whole different school system!

    Take care!

  • One danger of having a very clear idea of what you want, is that it is then very difficult to be satisfied with something else. A more vague idea, can better cope with the probability that the outcome is uncertain.

  • I will 100% agree with the fact that a lot of people are just shy / nervous. I've had people look at my profile, and never message me. I then see them on my visitors list, and will just message, say Hi, and connect.
    I've been told a few times "Thank you so much for actually sending the first message... I was so (nervous / scared / unsure, etc).
    I'm definitely not saying you should be aggressive in messaging others. But, it can definitely help to acknowledge that it's normal... Align with them (I often tell them the story of my first cuddle), and let them know they can ask any question they may think are silly / stupid. (They aren't)

    @cuddletime222 - That sucks you haven't had a great experience with a bunch of Pros. Out of curiosity... looking back (at the messaging conversation before hand), would you say that you would be able to tell those that are good at what they do, vs. those that aren't. (Actually another curious question) Do you / they (the other pros) chat a lot before meeting? or is it just very transactional? "hey, cuddle Monday at 5..." "ok sure!"

  • edited May 17

    @geoff1000

    One danger of having a very clear idea of what you want, is that it is then very difficult to be satisfied with something else. A more vague idea, can better cope with the probability that the outcome is uncertain.

    You are 110% right. Also, if you don't make a goal, you can't fail at it. So if you just have a "vague idea", then you don't have to beat yourself up afterward when it didn't work out.

  • @davebutton

    What's quoted in the spoiler gave me more clarity about what you mean, and I've experienced it, at least once. Then got better at being able to detect it and not entertaining it. We shouldn't have to get better at it. Though, unfortunately, because of how humans can be, we need to.

    "I'm frustrated that it seems more often than not, people post stuff, say they wanna do any of it in conversation with you, even make plans, and then just fall out, and I've heard many say they haven't done anything and/or won't do anything. I've had many good experiences here... but I'm calling out people who say one thing and do another, who don't actually mean what they say, who won't actually do in real life what they say they want here.

    If they get cold feet or scared, alright that's understandable, especially if the other person said or did something scary, but if there's no indication of that, or the person keeps saying they want to do this or that, then just keeps floating away... what are they doing here?"

    One of the things that happened to me months ago:

    A guy messaged me here. We seemed to want the same things, our conversation felt like it flew naturally. We exchanged contacts, video called. I told him a bit more about my disability and he said that was not a problem. We conversed some more. Then everytime I'd try to make plans to meet, or perhaps he too would, he would make up an excuse. He led me on for a long time, and he sadly seemed to have it all figured out. He laid the plot(?) about how essentially he runs and works for several companies, looks after his ~80 something year old grandma, and ill dad.

    I made an effort to be understanding and patient given what I thought was his situation. He'd talk about cuddling with me, asked my cuddle preferences, etc. He seemed to have all the time in the world to chat, except when it came to reality, when it came to meeting me: he'd be slow to respond. Cancel plans again and again because excuses - His ol' grandma this, his ill dad that, so on. Even one of the times not canceling before-hand and me showing up to the location, which was around the end of it for me. At some point we did meet once, had a good conversation. He gave me hope, said he'd like to meet again. Then back to square one. :(

    Long story short, he finally after wasting months of my time, energy, etc., came clean that he essentially felt uncomfortable about being seen with someone with a disability. Though said that once I could go to his place, he'd "let me know". Another excuse, another lead. Not to mention, him thinking that I'd accept being treated like that because of my disabilty.

    Some of what I'm trying to do to help me combat this:

    Not taking people seriously until they prove that they want what they say they want. Until they prove their supposed acceptance of me, and my disability. And not entertaining such conversations "I'd love to cuddle with you, I need to cuddle, I wants cuddles, I feels lonely" until they are adequately proving all that's mentioned. And by not being too giving with chances.

    The serious ones will agree and show for it. The inauthentic ones will get out asap, or agree and try to play with people's feelings. The better we can get, the better for us.

  • I think there's a word that describes such people, though I can't think of it. Along the lines of catfishes. People who chat with others online at length though fail to show for it again, and again.

  • @Dante_S Most of the conversation is setting up the meeting, etc. You can pick up some about their personality in advance, but in my estimation, you really can't tell how good of a cuddler they are going to be until you actually cuddle.

  • @cuddletime222 I find that really interesting to be honest... because all of my clients, I've generally had conversations with for awhile. Some are in another city, so you have time to chat back and forth. Heh, cuddling isn't just about wrapping your arms around their husk. (lol). It's about feeling comfortable / open with each other and cuddling the 'soul' as much as the physical person. (If that makes any sense!).
    Then again, I know women have a lot more clients than I do, so maybe for some it's quantity over quality.
    (Thanks for sharing though!) And sorry, I kinda derailed this conversation a bit.

    One of the interesting things I've seen on other websites... metrics and such...
    How often do they reply? etc.
    And I guess "What percentage of people that message them have a cuddle session with them?" would be an interesting metric as well. Although you don't always message someone with that intent at all. They might just post something interesting in the forums, or their profile makes you laugh, etc.

    I was actually thinking about this today on my motorcycle ride laughs. What if when you rated someone... it wasn't just 5 stars. It was rating things like "empathy" or "friendlyness", "I felt like the cuddler cared about me?" shrugs. That's getting more towards a full professional business. But I hate hearing about people who are just on here for the money =/

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