@hugo_stieglitz's incredibly thick sarcasm slew me. I'm dead over here.
In other news, male body types are great for playing Super Smash Bros with while cuddling on the couch, be you male, female, intersex, or any gender whatsoever. In my experience, anyway. You can take turns putting your legs across the other's lap, resting heads on shoulders, etc.
Manly personality types are typically pretty good at not being bothered by direct communication, so you can work out exactly what you both want from the cuddle beforehand—like, "I want to vent, but I don't actually want any solutions, I just need to get it out and feel like I've been heard" or "I don't want to talk at all, just listen to music and feel like somebody cares about me" or "I just want to play video games with somebody who feels like a brother" or whatever.
And obviously there are intersex body types and a whole host of non-feminine personality types: you don't have to limit yourself unless you really do have to for whatever reason.
On a site with a male-female ratio like this one has, removing limits (where possible) can help.
….Against my better judgement I’ll comment.
OP Dylan if you do stay on the site (which I casually encourage you to) Id definitely encourage you to take the advice many people have given about not expecting too much from it. The general other advice could also be helpful to some irl situations as well. I find it way easier to get affection by meeting people at a bar than any website btw. It’s still not ideal though. To relate, I remember feeling frustrated my first year or so on the site (10+ years ago?) Because I couldn’t even get a reply from anyone for the longest time (there weren’t pros back then.) Also, when I I’ve gone through some of my own extremely rough periods I’ve noticed, as you may have, that instead of people empathizing and wanting to offer comfort, they were almost less likely to be affectionate towards me. At the same time, when we read the accounts of women, we can see that they go through an almost opposite experience of misery. If a woman goes through something rough, there’s no lack of being able to find affection to help with it. Their problem is more that they they may get pressured and/or fear for their safety. (And a bunch of other stuff I don’t have the capacity to express along with a bunch of other stuff I don’t understand cause I’m not a woman) The reason this site (and this thread for those more specific) is depressing (I’ll admit I can find it depressing at times as well) is because it accentuates very intimate ways in which our world is broken and our social fabric torn and both men and women suffer for it. I should add that I believe much of this ultimately stems from women being treated as property for centuries (?) Though that doesn’t make any of the effects we as men feel less painful. Due to our predecessors (and current society to various degrees) subjugating women, we’ve devalued mens intimacy, sexuality, and touch. And that’s gonna feel shitty, especially when you’re suffering and can’t find affection. Touch and connection are needs btw, the research is there and they shouldn’t be belittled. At the same time I believe those needs don’t trump the need for consent (in case that’s misunderstood) To end on a happy note, we have one thing we can probably all relate on. It’s rough out there.
@me2 It can be hard to know when to post here, but in your case you picked a great time to post a very thoughtful, well-written thread that explains a lot.
@achetocuddle aww thanks
****_**I'm confused, you added yourself to a site, of PRO cuddlers, and obviously KNEW as all do when you signed up it is a pay to cuddle site. Both of my parents are dead, none of my family is within 1500 miles of me lol but I realized my depression and anxiety deemed it necessary to get medicated over the loss of my momma. So I'm thinking you may need to hit that route up, and maybe try therapy as you're complaining and havin a tizzy over the fact STRANGERS who cuddle for cash aren't cuddling YOU for free, this isn't therapy as a whole, and even that is PAID. You need to direct your anger and fit to a licensed professional so you can get help. That was super low and toxic to read. Not being mean, but old enough to call truth on ALL THAT. start out with a genesight test itll help. honest **_****
@MidnightSunset it baffles me that people go on sites and expect free. This site CLEARLY states its a PAID SERVICE, and do you have any clue how many of ALL OF US have therapists lol AND THEY GET PAID AS WELL FOR THEIR SERVICE.
Actually, @BamaCuddleKat, the cuddle pros on this site are a somewhat recent addition. When CuddleComfort started it was all enthusiasts, and there are still a fair number here. Mostly men, but some women and non-binary folks, too!
@Dylan2693 - What your voicing is that feeling we as men have on the inside when we are at our lowest. What happens is women (and others judging from your post) can feel that negative energy and be turned off or just not want to be around it. Which feeds into the negative spiral you've descended into.
There is no easy way out. It's really true that no one can love you until you learn to love yourself. You have to be honest with the man in the mirror about what needs to change so that you start attracting people into your life, instead of driving them away.
I feel for you. It's your choice whether to let your ex-wife and the divorce continue to destroy your life or allow it to free you to live a better one.
As someone who's had the same mindset (not specifically for here, just in general), it would probably be best to bail on the site for a while. Using any kind of social media in pursuit of genuine connection is a trap. Work on making yourself happy; hit the gym, try out a new hobby/focus on existing or old hobbies, be amongst friends/find new irl friends.
The only good advice in here has been to use the site passively, but it seems like you need more than that right now. Best of luck.
@BamaCuddleKat
To the OP: I'm really sorry you've had such a disappointing and frustrating experience! I just want to say I hear you, despite not being male - so there are some aspects of your experience I may not fully relate to.
However, I want to reassure you that most people - especially women - just don't cuddle with platonic friends at all. It's almost certainly not personal. It's actually very rare to find people in our culture who enjoy and are interested in that. Most women will only cuddle with immediate blood family (such as their children, or maybe a sister/parent) or with a long-term, serious romantic partner.
Women will often give hugs and pats on the back to friends, but that's usually as far as it goes at least in Western societies (like Australia, the USA, England, etc). I have a wide circle of platonic female friends locally, and none of them cuddle platonically with anyone, regardless of gender. Sure they will give long hugs when times are hard, and maybe even hold hands if someone is grieving or very ill. But that's normally as far as things go.
I did have one friend who liked extended hugs on the couch and was more affectionate, however she was of a Chilean background where that was normalised between friends. And even she would only ever do that with female friends or a long-term male partner. She would never have engaged in that with male platonic friends, for safety reasons and because she is very religious - so she did not get close to men outside of marriage.
The harsh reality is that most people in Western countries only cuddle with others when they are interested in dating or a long-term relationship. If people want a hookup or FWB, they often avoid cuddling because they don't want to fall in love or get attached, and cuddling produces oxytocin (the attachment hormone).
Platonic cuddling is confusing for a lot of people because it's supposed to be casual yet often feels very emotionally intense and intimate. It's incredibly common and normal for people to fall in love and get very attached. I would say the vast majority of people choose not to engage in it for this reason.
There is also a not insignificant proportion of women who just don't like cuddling at all, and are fairly touch averse. I know several women like this so that reduces the pool of people interested in cuddling in general, with anyone (even partners or children).
@Dylan2693 - I've seen a lot of good suggestions on this thread, so unfortunately I can't add anything else (that hasn't already been suggested). I understand it's difficult for men and women enthusiasts to find other enthusiasts though.
If it helps, I've cuddled with one or two "cuddling enthusiast" ladies on this site without issue. It's not very COMMON, mind you, and there are long stretches of no cuddles, but...
I wonder if OP would consider looking for people to cuddle who aren't pretty females? There's an ocean of lonely, broken, aged people who are unable to cruise the internet and voice their pitiful sorrows. I hear echoes of the complaints of incels, angry at the world that has shifted against their born advantage. Meanwhile, so many souls silently bear their loneliness, looking out at a world completely uninterested in their solitary but shared plight. It's a bit like complaining about the lack of a decent steak during a famine.
@August1 you're right, I'm definitely an anomaly. My point was that the anomaly was created by patience, effort, thoughtfulness, etc., not by any accident of circumstance.
I agree with you that their is no evidence from the OP for a concious or deliberate sense of entitlement. But I do believe he has unconscious attitudes or beliefs which are preventing him from finding cuddles, because the original post does contain clear evidence of that. This is not specific to him, it is extremely common.
His disappointment and frustration is clear, and I sympathise and empathise with him because I had it too, albeit in a lesser amount. Mine was over two months, not two years.
@TouchSanctuary the fact that women don't cuddle is a far cry from making the conclusion that they have less need for it. All humans have a near equal physical and emotional need for it. Society norms, family environment growing up, trauma around touch, current physical touch exposure, etc, all can affect our current activity and need or create mental blocks that make us think we don't have that need, but we are all biologically built near the same. 🤷♀️
@BamaCuddleKat your post is all sorts of wrong and sad. 😔 I really don't envy the men on this site, even those ready and willing to hire a pro. Thus sort of the point of this post. This country is huge. While I can't offer regular cuddles to everyone everywhere, I can at least offer one and a place to stay. It's a mess on here. 😩
This thread in general is a bit depressing ngl
@BookishGuy I'm the same, but I didn't have to do anything special to my profile for it. So I think I'm just lucky and the OP has been unlucky. I don't know the full story and all the details, though. I haven't seen what his messages look like, or how many people he's messaged.
@UCpaaHVg6u0 That's true, most every guy wants to cuddle the pretty ladies. But we don't know what the OP's preferences were. When I was still actively looking for enthusiasts, I'd reach out to different age ranges to no avail, so it didn't make a difference atleast in my experience.
@TouchSanctuary Great post. I was beginning to think of a similar theory but you nailed the main issue imo. And w great insight!
@TouchSanctuary I totally agree with what you are saying (well, what I can relate to at least.) I have been very averse to physical touch, but for me it’s strange that cuddling with a stranger doesn’t trigger that response. I don’t know if that is common or not but I find it pretty fascinating.
Hey man. I wouldn’t give up just yet. Here are some tips. First of all you should probably just pay some money and spend some time with some pros. Yeah, it costs money, is limited in time and always leaves you wondering about whether they would rather be elsewhere. But on the whole, I’ve never really had an experience that I didn’t enjoy and feel was worth it. $100 or so isn’t nothing but time is money and it saves you a lot of time and frustration.
One benefit of this is that you can build up karma which will make everyone feel more comfortable meeting you. When you have none it’s OK just to ask for it too. Gotta start somewhere.
I don’t feel like there is any real replacement for cuddling outside of having a relationship. So I don’t think you’ll do well just giving up on it. You’ll grow angry and bitter which will make it all that much harder to meet someone and break out of the cycle. Maybe take a break but try to recharge and get back to it.
Another problem is that you are in Indiana. I have a hard enough time finding people in Boston and I have karma. I only really find this to be easy (non-pros) in New York or San Francisco or major cities like that. There just isn’t a big enough community. The supply and demand isn’t in our favor.
Occasionally you can have luck on dating sites finding people to cuddle with. Even if that’s all you want to do. Places like Tinder aren’t primarily about that but there are tens of millions of people on there. Try putting up a cuddle specific profile and see if you get any responses.
I don’t really know much about competitors to this site but there are some. If you are in Indiana, you’re going to need to be leveraging everything you can find.
I had a thought about my post on how men can improve their chances of cuddling enthusiast women.
Here's the link again:
I wrote it over a year ago, and I've linked to it many times since. Yet today I realised that I have had not one single message saying "I tried it and it really worked, thank you". Neither have I had one single message saying "I tried it and your advice sucks and you suck". Not a single response. (People frequently write to me for other reasons.)
Which is odd, because threads on "this site is useless you can't meet women here" are a fairly regular feature. We know there are loads of men out there who are struggling to meet enthusiast women.
We also know that there are enthusiast women who can't find a cuddle-buddy. Which suggests that any man who takes the advice seriously, and lives in an area that does have some women enthusiasts, has a reasonable chance of some success. At the very least an improvement on what was happening before, even if it doesn't quite lead to a cuddle.
All of which makes me think nobody is doing it.
And if that's true, that means that the men who can't find cuddles are not willing to invest any real effort in finding cuddles. They are not willing to learn.
Thoughts?
I'd love to hear from everybody but especially men who have tried it, or have read it and haven't tried it, or frankly didn't even click on the link.
@CuddleDuncan I've taken your advice and the advice of vets and doing pretty good so far. Still pretty new. Ty!
@CuddleDuncan I haven't followed your guide. But I've made many changes of my own, to no avail. Asked for help from other members, to critique my responses, my profiles, my pictures. I haven't noticed a difference as a result, so I decided to largely ignore meeting with other enthusiast cuddlers unless we meet through the forum, or they message me first/enthusiasticlly or something like that. Maybe following your guide will help, but I've already decided I'm not so into finding enthusiast cuddlers anymore.
@hugo_stieglitz, [edit] I should have known I was missing something by skimming the thread. These threads get so long so fast, I just can't keep up. I apologize for taking you to task.
Thanks everyone for your replies to this thread and in messages.
I'm not going to deactivate my account, but I'm going to set it up as a passive platform instead of being more proactive and a daily user. I'll update my profile to have more pics and a more in-depth profile and see how it goes from there.
@hugo_stieglitz. From reading your post I could only assume that you were being sarcastic. You are just not good at conveying sarcasm so you might want to give that a rest.
@Dylan2693
I'm not going to deactivate my account,
YES! Good, glad you are staying.
@cylee1180 brilliant! Delighted to hear it.
@sunnysideup to be fair, at the beginning I treated the process as something of a military campaign. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to do that.
@Dylan2693 🤗 glad to hear!
@Dylan2693 ❤ I totally think this community has important friendships and connections for you. Glad you are giving it another chance.