Cuddling with a best female friend

NobodiesheroNobodieshero
edited January 2023 in General

I wondered if anyone had ever done this before. One of my best friends is a girl I know who I went to school with. I talk to her all the time about everything. We've always been platonic.

We go to gym together sometimes and other stuff too, hangout ect. At one point years ago I actually trained her (how we met)

Recently she left her husband and she has been going through similar crap that I went through. Well awhile ago I mentioned the whole idea of a cuddlebuddy to her ( I wasn't asking her just talking about the concept) and she really likes the idea. It's one of the things she really misses.

We have known each other a solid 10 years. I'm pretty positive she would say yes. But I was worried about causing her hurt or confusion so soon after her separation. Like I don't wanna stir the pot and make her life more difficult.

Would if I developed feelings for her, or vice versa? How do people not get attached when doing that? Would if it made our friendship feel wierd after?

Has anyone ever done this? What happened and what was the after effects?

Awhile ago we were hanging out and sitting together on a couch together basically touching each other and it was just really relaxing feeling her body so close and I thought, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It's been over a year for me since I've had any sort of physical comfort other than a hug.

I'd really like to hear about someone doing the same if anyone has a story. We are both very emotional people so that's why this stuff worried me. I'd hate to lose such a close friend

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Comments

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited January 2023

    If you're concerned you might get feelings I would not try exploring that. If you two organically develop feelings and its.mutial that's different , just that if you feel like it might be too much for you if you start being cuddle friends I'd avoid it, especially since she is fresh off of marital strife and signals and feelings etc might get really mixed up and skewed . You said she is a best friend of yours , so I'm sure that it is important to you to not mess that up.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited January 2023

    You really have to exercise some caution when it comes to affection between friends . There's a reason sites like this exist. What we see here as normal is not necessarily normal to others and you also dont want to get mixed feelings and create strain on your friendship. I say this not because you necessarily will, but you did bring up a fear of catching feelings. Since she is newly single, there us a potential for that on both sides that you have to navigate.

    Not trying to dissuade you, just really think you ought to exercise caution with this. It's not a feel good follow your heart rom com remember, it's a best friend of 10 yrs. You dont want to catch feelings and have them eventually be an ex with a complicated back story .

    Majority of my best friends in life have been women . I love and adore them , and there are so many attractive qualities that each of them have , too many to name . However, if we caught feelings and became more than that, then our friendship and that dynamic would be changed and at risk of going in a bad direction. I have some people who are FWB, and they are not in the same group as my platonic besties for the very reason that I know we can have our sexual needs met , still be friends, and not get attached. You cant really do that with a platonic friend you've had for years , it just changes things too much .

  • Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN

    I met a man on here after my divorce who was also recently divorced. We hit it off right away and became very close. He was my best friend for a year or so. Always platonic. Eventually I caught feelings and couldn't hide it. There was attraction on his side as well, but he wasn't ready for a relationship. We drifted apart and are no longer in contact.

    I don't regret the time we spent together. We helped each other through a lot of BS with our abusive starter spouses. We even referred to them as the SS 😂 He showed me, with his actions, that what I've always wanted from a relationship is entirely possible, and not too much to ask for. He set a high bar for any other man, and I've since gotten into a LTR with a man who meets that standard.

    Whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I say, see if she's open to cuddling and always be honest with her. Let her know that you value her friendship and don't want to lose that. Encourage her to be honest with you about her feelings, and create a safe place for her to do that. Good luck!

  • cde123cde123

    I would say go for it, however since you explained it as platonic cuddling, it's absolutely your responsibility to keep it that way. You'll want to keep friend boundaries, which means not having a make-out session but rather just using gentle, appropriate touch. Many people wouldn't be able to handle this though, so if you know you can't manage your feelings, just don't do it.

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    I wouldn’t recommend it, especially after reading the details in your post both being emotional with the possibility of attachment. Yeah, it could be a nice thing if it works out but there’s also so many things that can go wrong if you want to keep her as a best friend, I would suggest keeping your friendship in tact and keep out the cuddling.

  • TNNativeTNNative

    If you are interested then ask her. If you are comfortable, share with her what you have said here. It will either be okay or it won’t.

  • [Deleted User]GreyAndGreen (deleted user)

    I've had this with a friend, and it was phrased in the sweetest way: 'You know, you can lean on me emotionally and physically'... and for us, that's what it was. Leg drapes, leaning on each other during movies... and for us, that was the extent.

  • BearBear

    There are a lot of what if's. It sounds like it's a good idea to just have a discussion about it. It also can stay at just a discussion if you two don't want to go forward.

  • NobodiesheroNobodieshero

    Yeah losing her as a friend is what I'm afraid of. I litterally talk to her about everything and it's hard to make friends like that, even harder as you get older. We have no filter in our communication and that's something that's so rare. I guess if we did I'd have to basically tell her all the concerns I have and why. This is different than just some random person as we are so familiar with each other.

    I think it would be easier to remain not attached if I didn't know someone well.

  • bobadevoteebobadevotee
    edited January 2023

    I’d recommend against it if you’re both as emotional as you say. Additionally, the length of the friendship isn’t really the deciding factor in these situations, but the nature of the relationship itself as well as what people’s personal values and ideas are regarding platonic affection.

    I have some friends who I know, just based on discussions with them and their social media posts, value intimate physical platonic affection. I know plenty of guys who have been in cuddle puddles at parties, tuck the homies in at night with a kiss, and will snuggle with their bros. Respectfully and without any romance or sexuality. So for them, I know I could always introduce cuddling into our friendship if I wanted to, and it wouldn’t be weird because it’s something they already do on the regular. It’s already a part of their values

    For anyone else I know, they’d find it weird or inherently associate it with romantic intimacy, so I wouldn’t proceed.

    It’s like a form of cultural awareness. For example, thumbs up is fine in America, but in some countries, it’s the same as telling someone to fuck off. You just need to know what the other person’s cultural ideas are on an action when deciding how you’re going to act

  • Ironman294Ironman294

    Rather than the cuddling, do either of you have any romantic feelings for each other? If you think a romantic relationship can develop then go for the romantic. And then the cuddling will be part of it. But best friend and cuddling and both single?
    The only reason a guy and girl best friend don’t date is if one isn’t attracted to the other or both or one are not available. If both are available and attracted why not go for it. If one of you starts dating again and or marrying would it really stay best friends? I don’t believe man and women can be best friends with no one having feelings. But that’s just me but I have watched lots of movies and lived for a bit and my own experiences. Good luck whichever way you go.

  • theHugAlchemisttheHugAlchemist

    I cuddle with almost literally all of my friends. We attend cuddle events nearly weekly. I love them dearly and sometimes I get feels, but if it's not in the flow, I just watch the romance-type feelings as they pass.

    However it wasn't always this chill, normal, or easy.. maybe y'all could attend a cuddle party and explore how it feels to normalize cuddling and separate it from sex (as much as that is possible) before cuddling together.

    Do major communication around what it means, boundaries, etc before diving in..

  • NobodiesheroNobodieshero

    Bobadevotee, yeah we both are, honestly I'm not worried about myself as much as hurting her or making her feel confused. She's such a sweet person and someone I care about.

    Ironman294,

    I'm not sure about feelings other than liking each other, we have a ton in common and honestly this is the only girl I've ever managed to be as close a friend as I am with without things turning into more. Part of it is that I actually know her now ex husband and even hung out with him before. So I sorta set very strict boundaries in my mind about her.

    I agree about the other stuff, generally your at least a little attracted to opposite sex friends .

  • BapaBobBapaBob

    @Cuddle_RN
    I loved the "Starter Spouse" term! 😆
    I always called it my practice marriage but I like SS too!

  • BrianLBrianL

    Closest I've gotten was went out with a few friends to see a show (music) at a coffee place, well, the standing area in front of the stage was getting a bit rough, and one of my friends came over to sit down. I'm not one to "get in the pit" as it were, so I was sitting down already. She leaned against me and I just held her until she calmed down. Nothing more. For one, she's married, for another, I don't look at people as anything more than friends. As she had learned when our group went to a ren faire earlier last year, I become even more protective of those I care for when drinking mead, and that night I had had a drink with mead in it. Can't lie, it felt good have that "cuddle", as brief as it was.

  • xeldaxelda

    I'll add some thoughts and suggestions:

    Look into yourself and be honest with yourself:
    Is there a part of you that is hoping for more? Maybe you already have some of those feelings? If so, what's kept those feelings in check for the last 10 years?
    If the only/strongest barrier has been her marriage and you are actually hoping for more, then approaching it through cuddling isn't being honest with yourself or her. If you don't think you can keep it platonic, I'd recommend holding off and giving it more space.

    If you think you have good internal boundaries that have kept feelings from growing, or it just isn't there for you, then you could consider having a conversation with her about it. Give yourselves both lots of physical space to have that conversation... not while you're already in a physically close space, like on a sofa watching a movie; that could be too vulnerable a moment for either of you to be honest with yourselves.

    Talk about the pros and cons, like you did here. Give her (and yourself) lots of mental and physical space to say no. Maybe while you're out for a walk, or doing another public activity where you can still have a private conversation. Consent is only an enthusiastic, "yes!"... everything else means, "no" and let it be that.

    I hope that helps!

  • NobodiesheroNobodieshero

    Xelda

    A long time ago this girl actually liked me, and actually in highschool I liked her. But this was so long ago those things don't exist anymore, were very platonic. We've talked about everything, our relationships ect, she's told me about men she found attractive, I've told her about women I've dated. It's like an open channel. At the gym, we'll go back and forth about girls that are attractive in there lol I basically talk to her like a guy. So there's a pretty high comfort level about things. No exaggeration when I say she's a best friend.

    I'm actually like 100% confident she would want too. Since I mentioned this to her awhile back she's brought it up several times and said now she wants a cuddle buddy. I also mentioned that if you ask a guy that, you won't get a cuddle buddy, youl get a fwb and to be careful.

    I guess it's really up to me. As far as feelings I don't know. We did sorta have a conversation about it once and I layed out 2 scenarios A: someone feels for me, but I don't feel it back. Or B: I feel for them and they don't feel it back. Or, there is also C, where both people feel something. I think maybe C is what I'm most afraid of. If that happened and things went bad, I'd lose a good friend.

    I might also just be way overthinking like always. This is the exact reasoning behind me wanting to find a random stranger

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    It's better to overthink than underthink :)

  • MailleweaverMailleweaver

    @Ironman294
    It is most certainly possible for a man and woman to be friends without it turning romantic or sexual. My best friend is a woman, and we've been close for 10 years. She's aromantic and asexual, which is part of what makes our friendship so great. I'm very much the romantic and definitely not asexual, but I need friendship more than romance (with sex being a component of romance) and my heart is already reserved for my ex girlfriend. I love being able to open up to my friend and make any kind of affectionate gesture without worry that it'll be interpreted as a romantic or sexual advance. And I love being secure in knowing that her switch won't flip, either. She'd be easy to fall in love with if I wanted to open that part of my heart to her and she has said that if she ever was able to fall in love that she'd want it to be with me, but that's not what our relationship is about so it's not an issue. Not having to be on the lookout for that undercurrent makes our friendship so easy. I wish more people understood that friendship is so important. I can't seem to talk to any other woman without them thinking that I'm shooting my shot.

    Romantic love, infatuation, and even sexual attraction can all be a choices if it's really important to you and you put some effort into knowing yourself. We aren't animals controlled by instinct. I still love my ex girlfriend dearly (despite not seeing her in years) because I choose to continue to nurture that love by myself for my own benefit. We sometimes wish each other happy birthday or happy holidays through text and occasionally share some of what we've been through in our separate paths, but that's it and that's fine. Neither of us asks anything of the other. Keep a deep love alive in your heart to warm the core of your being and you won't feel the cold desperation that drives people to give up control of their emotions and desires. I'll enjoy the warm glow of being in love until my beloved decides she wants to blow those coals back into a flame of desire. She's the only one I let have access to them.

  • Ironman294Ironman294

    @Mailleweaver as I said men and women can truly be best friends as long as no one has feelings for each other. Otherwise it’s just a longing and wishing on one sides part and can be quite sad for the one that has feelings.
    If neither one does and never will then by all means, I just know from experience that being friends with a girl, it can be tough if there are feelings involved.

  • PrettyLuvPrettyLuv

    I agree with @Ironman294 on this one. Just ask yourself 2 questions honestly:

    1. Do you see yourself ever marrying this woman?

    2. Are you willing to risk losing the friendship to find out?

    If the answer is no to any of these, don’t cuddle. Don’t bother.

    If the answer is yes to both, then go for it. Keep it platonic and if more develops trust that your intentions are honorable thru & thru.

  • NobodiesheroNobodieshero

    In my experience a friend is more valuable than a gf, friends are basically forever and gf's come and go. Unless they become your wife lol but even that....

    Thanks for the input maybe it was a bad thing to ever mention to her because I planted the seed in her head.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    I know if it were me and she was my best friend, I wouldn’t want to put myself in a position where I may catch feelings and lose the friendship.

  • TruePowerTruePower

    I would keep it limited, for example, couch sitting w/ something to watch or a book. No bed sharing, no caressing.

  • Ironman294Ironman294

    I don’t have a female best friend but definitely female friends and if they wanted to cuddle I would be cool with that. They don’t want me, if they did we would be dating, lol. So no danger there.

  • MrPaulMrPaul

    Let love be your inner guide, not fear. Love for yourself, love for others.

  • PrettyLuvPrettyLuv

    You could always introduce her to cuddddddddle commmmfoooort. Hehe

  • NobodiesheroNobodieshero
    edited January 2023

    Figured I'd update this, and this is also a good place to put my thoughts.

    So we ended up cuddling, but not really intentionally, or not planned anyways. We were hanging out watching the breakfast club, which I've never seen! Can't believe it, such a good movie. We were talking about some things and she got sad, personal stuff. So I put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

    Before I knew It we were cuddling on the couch, it was actually really nice. We went and layed down together and eventually she fell asleep in my arms and she seemed so happy. We talked about it more, I'm not sure where this goes because she's litterally one of my best friends. But I really enjoyed it, I haven't felt sad since like I had been and our conversations are the same, just maybe more intimate now, like a higher level of comfort.

    I don't think either one of us is really ready for a relationship for various reasons, but nothing felt wrong about it at all like I thought, it felt like we just healed each other

  • [Deleted User]KYtransplant (deleted user)

    As long as you both continue to agree on boundaries and check in to make sure you are both still want to continue in the same direction.

    It's when conversation delves too deep into the 'what if' category that things get the other person wondering.

    I haven't been on much because I have been busy with work, life and my steady cuddle partners.

    One has become a very dear friend whom am I enjoying spending as much time with as we can.

    Not even just cuddle time, we've taken several vacations and are always looking to plan something that would interest us both for the following month.

    But being much younger then I am at some point you will probably want a permanent relationship with someone.

    That particular aspect of life no longer fits me. I would rather have Cuddle partners and friends.

  • Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN

    Thanks for updating! I'm happy for you!

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